I think I am losing my boyfriend after his Dad passed away :(

[gandisupp]

I just joined up to try and get some advice or words of sense in terms of what might be going on here and hat it might mean in the long run for me.

My boyfriend's Dad sadly passed away quite recently and since this happened I feel like I am losing him.

I tried to be supportive and give space, but I feel so much space has been given that we don't even have a relationship any more. I haven't seen him for weeks.

His behaviour is a bit confusing. He seems genuinely to want to speak to me and he says such lovely things to me that show he feels a lot towards me but he also avoids me and has gone into his shell.

He says things like I deserve someone better and he is no good for anyone right now and all that which is nothing like him and makes no logical sense to me.

I have been pushed away to the point I feel like perhaps our relationship is over, and one minute he says he doesn't want that and the next minute he says defeatist things about me being too good for someone like him.

This is so unlike him, I feel like he is hiding away from me and it's been going on like this for almost three months months and we were only together for three months when this happened so it's been a strange situation, but I love this guy and really want him to come forward and rekindle the connection we had but I worry that maybe the situation has ended us.

He has so much going on in his life now...so much to sort out, huge changes and I realise love takes a back seat but I feel very confused. I feel almost as if he does not want to lose me, but he pushes the other direction.

Any advice?

Is he still able to go to work?

Does he have brothers or sisters?

I think texting him once a week is okay initially, but I'd then leave him to make contact. Your text is just checking in and seeing that he's okay.

Death affects people very differently. Some people behave out of character. Some get this feeling of life's too short and even in relationships or marriages of many years, they start changing.

You'll know within yourself when it's too much to deal with, then you're perfectly entiltled to let him go.

He does nothing but work. He has been quite manic on that front, always seems to be busy and racing around and he sees friends and does normal things. I don't think he talks to anyone to tell them he feels low. it makes me feel more rejected that he sees other people but not me :(

I have talked to him a bit about it and got very mixes messages. He has admitted he is pushing me away, apologises for it, says he does not want to lose me but understands if I lose interest and move on.

A few times he has spoken more openly and been a bit more telling. He admitted he found it hard to be close to me and build a relationship because he was afraid to lose anyone else, afraid for me to see him like that. Many things.

Being ignored is very painful, it just hurts, and I know I have to look at the situation and understand the motivating factor because he wasn't remotely like this before but it is difficult to be sat here all the time wondering what is going on, if he will ever want to speak to me.

He used to want to speak to me so much, I was his favourite person and it hurts now that he sees others and not me.

I'm so sorry that this is hurting you, but these aren't mixed messages. What he's telling you is that right now he can't do the type of relationship you want. When he says he understands he is pushing you away and understands if you move on he is openly telling you that this relationship cannot be his priority right now, and to be honest I suspect this is his way of trying to end things. He is being clear that he although he likes you, he does not have what it takes to develop a new relationship right now.

If you decide to stay with him you need to do so with full acceptance that things are going to be like this for some time - probably several months, maybe even years, and not put any pressure on him either for things to be different or to keep talking about your relationship. He has been clear that he can't do those things right now and to put extra pressure on him while he's grieving would be awful.

You also need to bear in mind that when the fog of grief lifts he may not want a relationship with you at all. In fact he may want completely different things from his life. There are no guarantees. Grief changes people.

My opinion is that you need to get out - you deserve to be happy too and he has made it clear that this is not going to be able to happen with him for quite some time. Also this was only a very new relationship. While you both felt strongly, there was no long-term commitment and no way of telling if it was going to last anyway. It's sad but often new relationships end because of circumstances and I think this might be one of them. So my advice would be to split amicably while you can and stay friends. If in the future you are both single and want to pursue a relationship then it's always an option.

Sorry OP but I don't think he wants to be in a relationship with you.

I went through this not long ago. The run up was maybe harder than the aftermath for me but all it requires is a lot of patience and love

I took a step back from him, and in a way let him grieve as he wanted. It was hard as I felt like I should be the person he wanted to grief on, although this is a selfish notion

He dealt with it in his own way - as we all do - and i think because it felt different to how I expect I would react to such a situation I found myself questioning our relationship

In reality thoigh that's not the issue. A few months on and my boyfriend is doing fab. It's never going to be easy but 'riding the storm' is a phrase I find appropriate. Be there when he needs you, but give him space

Just read this discussion because i am go7ng thriugh the same situation. I just noticed this is 2 years old. What haopened in the end?

I am in the same situation. My bf dumped me a week before Christmas after being together for 5 years, when there was a death in his family. I am heartbroken but i cant tell him thst as he is grieving. It just beeaks my heart that he doesnt want me or my support. Its been 4 weeks now and i am missing him like crazy. Its really hard not seeing him and feeling him. I cry every night. He said he needed space, time to think and a break. He took all his stiff and gav3 me my key back. Does this sound familiar? He is not contacting me and is not replying to my texts. I dont have any family to support me through this so its even more difficult for me. I just want my guy to be happy. His happiness means more to me than anything else. I have list over a stone in weight during this tome apart. I think if he was in his right mind and knew how much i was hurting he would be there for me. Men cant deal with so many emotions. I feel helpless. I feel like he didnt trust me to help him wirh this. I am giving him jis space but its killing me. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Bless you, you're a kind hearted, sensitive soul.

I'm going thru something similar, we met in Oct, love at first sight, making plans to move things along, moving in, marriage in the future, etc, etc.
Then just before xmas and family tragedy struck, we've had a conversation and at the moment she has no mental space or energy left for us.
So us has taken a back seat, a break, it maybe permanent, who knows, she has greater priorities than me.

In situations like this people process this time differently, you just have to let the person do whatever they feel they need to do.
I'm a great believer in 'If its meant to be, love will find a way', if not, it's just another one of experiences life has to offer, albeit not a pleasant one for all concerned.

I am also going through something similar. I am interested to know how this story ultimately resolved? Did you get back together or grow apart? I feel like there's not much hope for those of us waiting for the men to heal in our young, fledgling relationships.

The thing about forums like these is that everyone posts the problems and advice, but never comes back to update on the resolution...

GarlicSteak

Your analogy of the rock is truly enlightening in terms of bereavement and other seemingly insurmountable problems.
I know this isn't my post but thank you, that has put something into perspective for me.

I know this is an older thread but how did everything workout? I’m going through the same exact situation other than the fact I’ve been with my significant other for over a year

I just went through this myself. Turns out this guy was just manipulating the situation as an excuse to string me along. I learned some things about his past from other people during his absense from my life. I learned about the true story of how he strung along his former girlfriend for 10 years in this way, from one of her best friends. Turns out his game is to find a good “wife” material woman & string her along when he needs “breaks” to screw skanky women, but keep the wifey on hold bc he wants to get her stuck to him. (Why he was adamant for me to get off my birth control, he wanted to get me pregnant & stuck to him) He still will not “break up” with me so now I’m on block mode. He was an absolute terror of a narcissistic sociopath & I’m lucky to have gotten out when I did! Good luck to the rest of you. There are some wild beasts in this world!

@GarlicSteak

Thank you for that.

I'll be honest OP.
When my sister died I pushed away the guy I was seeing.
I just wasn't feeling it and I don't know why.
(He turned out to be a weird stalker so that was actually a good decision)
But...... A year on and I am still not in a great place.
I get on with things and everything looks OK.
I see friends and family and do a hobby.
But I am just not ready to see anybody.
I think you need to understand that this will take a long long time.
He's pushed you away.
So you need to stay away now.
Assume it is over and move on with your life.
If he contacts you then OK. But give him space.

My boyfriend ended up breaking things off with me but he was very gentleman about it. He told me that he really is not in the right place to be with anyone. I personally don’t know what it’s like to lose a family member so I can’t judge. Yes, it hurt and I’m still crying now but it’s for the best.

My boyfriend's father passed away overnight of cancer. Although I was told over a year ago that I was family, I wasn't allowed to see him for the past three months. My boyfriend left out at 11pm last night when his mum told him it was nearing the end. He messaged me at 4 to give me the sad news. I asked if he wanted me to take today off to be there for him and he said yes. 7 hours later he hasn't replied to my messages or phone calls and just rang me now at noon the next day, saying they had lots of visitors all morning and it kept it to family. That hurt me. I told him again that I had the day off for him, he then said he was out having food with his brother and their childhood friend. I asked why he doesn't want me with him and he had nothing to say. He said he would let me knot if it's ok for me to visit later.
Is it just me or is this plain selfish? I'm literally sat at home on my own and think I should be with my partner right now, especially when we've both said we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?thank you x

Is he a selfish person generally? If he's not, then he is in a very strange place now and may just need his family. Have very few expectations of him.
If he is usually a selfish person, then his grief will also be characterised by this.
Mind yourself.

ZOMBIE THREAD

What does that mean?

It means that the thread was started a few years ago, and just respcently someone decided to reawaken it from the dead, (in this case by asking for an update - } Then people start giving advice to the original poster, not realising that it is years old.

It is really hard for someone in your shoes. It's even harder to be the one who has to cope with the fucking great boulder that's squashed their life out of shape, but it's still really hard to be the one watching. I'm afraid you can't really understand until you've been through it; when you have, it makes it easier to cope with other peoples' grief somehow.

If it's possible, I'd say accept that you might lose him because of this, but since you clearly love him hang on in there until the point comes you can't. Just, like eveyrone says, he will need space. There aren't any hard and fast rules but maybe seeing him one every couple of weeks would be okay? Everyone's grief is so individual ...

My boyfriend broke up with me after his dad died. I'm writing this message from a painful place. I have been crying for a week. here is my story, I met this guy almost 3years ago and we kinda had an attraction towards each other. Last December we started talking and after three months talking we went on our first date. From that day we started an awesome relationship. It was the best days of my life. UNFORTUNATELY five months into the relationship his dad died they were super close like best friends. He lived with his both parents and siblings. Our relationship was long distance(live in two different states). The first week after it happened he turned to me and I was there for him as much I could on video calls. I offered to fly out and go see him and he said that he was busy arranging the funeral which made sense since he was always the man of the house even before the death of his beloved father. Three weeks later, I flew there to see him and everything was perfect. On the last day before I left, he broke up with saying that he is not good for me right now because he is getting irritated by small things. He said he needs his space and he can't be in a relationship now and he doesn't want to be in one ever again. Basically, he said that he doesn't see himself getting married or have kids which he said i deserve. I do understand that what he is going through is more important than the relationship and I'm giving him his space but I was wondering if he said this from a place of grieving and maybe in the future, he can love me again? Did anybody here go through this and their partner came back? it's been almost a month since his dad died and a week since we broke up. Every now and then we message each other. He says he is sorry he broke my heart and he has to live with that. I'm the only one he told that he is falling apart inside. He tells his family that he is okay. I wish I can take all his pain away. My heart hurts so bad. i love him so much.

I'm sorry, but you can't take all his pain away. He loves deeply, this man; he loved his dad deeply and one day he will be ready to love someone else, a woman, just as much. But it isn't now, and it won't be for many months. It takes at -least- (at -least-) 18 months to adapt a deeply felt death. I'm not sure you ever get over it, but you learn to accept it and live with it.

The best thing you can do for him is to accept that he's not in a place for a relationship and to become a friend to him again.

It's not that likely that he will come back to you once the worst of the grief has subsided, but it's also not impossible. I think you have to face that your relationship as partners might not survive though.

Hi this just happened to me. My boyfriend broke up with me saying he is moving to another state his died about 3 weeks ago. I don’t get it and I am so devastated and heart broken we were together for 3 years planned to move out of state together and now thing have fallen apart. I don’t know what to do.