Tell me I am lucky and to shut the fu*k up!

[TreadmillMom]

Sometimes I just feel so miserable and then I read other threads and think FFS your OH is not that bad get a life and stop bleating.
My mom used to constantly moan about my dad to us and is it possible I have inherited this never satisfied trait?
We have two boys 3.5yrs and 15mths, I work 3 days a week and OH works full time.
We bicker about the same thing and have been since we became a parents, who does the most around here?
My OH does the big things, house and car maintenance, financial revisions, hoovering weekly on average. He has a good job is very ambitious and I am genuinely proud of his achievements.
I do the daily stuff, dishes, cooking, laundry, shopping, general(not thorough)tidying up.
My husband lusts after me and is always physical and we have an adventurous sex life (quality not so much quantity these days) but that is mutual.
He tells me he loves me all the time yet I feel he treats me like rubbish. He is rude to me, sarcastic, he picks at the things I DO NOT do and frequently tells me I do nothing around here, though on an average evening you WIll see him on the sofa or laptop and me in the kitchen doing chores till 9pm. If I ask him to do anything say, carry up the clean washing for me when you are on your way up the stairs he behaves like Kevin The Teenager.
I cannot ask him to do anything for me, empty the machine, take something out the freezer, pass me this, pass me that without a strop whether physical or verbal. It drives me insane. I have tried the I will not ask you to do anything AGAIN route but it is exhausting trying to be superwoman and it is not fair, am I playing into his hands and that is exactly what he really wants.
I call him Charlie Stubbs (Coronation Street)because he is great at the reverse psychology stuff, he does not like it but I say I am only joking (I am only half joking).
If he has a day off, working from home or sick I dare not ask him to do anything, he always throws in my face that I am always bossing him around. I don?t tell him what to do; every request begins with a snively Honey, would you mind? Christs sake, I should not have to use that kind of language with my own husband should I?
I do love him but am no longer in love with him as he makes me feel bad about myself and I secretly cry, at this precise moment I do not want any physical contact, I feel like he is only interested in me for my body. How can he expect to talk to me this way and then expect me to be passionate, I have explained this to him in the past. He was deeply hurt but took the criticism on the chin (temporally).
Weekends are the worst. Before we had children we would lounge around in bed all the time sometimes getting up as late as 3pm. I cannot stay in bed past 7am these days, you are mums you know the score but he has not lost his love affair with his bed and does not get up until around 11am. I NEVER, EVER get a lie in. Recently I was out at a girlfriends party and got in at 4:30am and I still had to get up at 7! I was so upset. As long as the kids are tucked up in bed in the evening I can go out with my friends which is terrific but if he has to look after them on a Saturday or Sunday morning so I can get my hair done or check out the sales he starts a row with me saying stuff like I do not want to be with my own kids or when I get back he will be feeling upset and guilty cos he had lost his patience with the kids and been (in hindsight) too hard on them or smacked them unnecessarily. In 3.5yrs I have been out on a weekend day 3 times and it has always been the same. I will not be leaving the kids with him anymore. Ridiculous huh? I have told him if his love affair with his bed continues I am leaving, it is so unfair getting up knackered week in, week out listening to him blissfully snoring in bed and then shouting at the kids for stomping around or shouting.
Sometimes I think he is a little tough on them but I am old fashioned and I prefer him to be a disciplinarian rather than not.
He did get up for 2 or 3 weekends but is back to the old routine again.
Over Christmas we were off together 10 consecutive days, he got up early once, Christmas Day. I never got a lie in once.
Last night I got DS1 ready for bed and while OH was bathing baby I was putting away about 3 loads worth of laundry. DS2 was crying and OH was saying to him mom will be here in a minute to dress you. I said would you mind dressing him for me cos I am just putting away the washing; you know what he said to me? I was using the washing as an escape clause not to look after the baby! I was aghast, I suggested we swap if that is what he thinks surprise, surprise he said no.
Am I just an ungrateful winger? He plays with the kids solidly, I am allowed to wear what I want and go out any evening, I trust him implicitly, he is a hard worker, supportive to me on a professional level, we have great conversations about all manner of topics, he is funny, sociable, good company and we go out together as a family and as a couple and always have fun.
Tell me I am lucky and to shut the fu*k up!

Have a moan get it all out of your system girl.

A man who smacks the kids and treats his wife as a sex object/slave whilst being verbally abusive is worse than a child as they often don't know better he should by now. Time for a wake up call me thinks. Decide what you really want, provide the ultimatum if that's not enough up sticks and take the kids with you hun. Maybe it is the only way to get the message across.

Damaging lessons are being imparted to your children by both of you. You are showing them that it is okay for Daddy to treat Mummy like something he's stepped in. Don't think that they don't see all this because they do and they pick up on your unhappiness.

You sound both ground down and defeated by him. You are miserable for good reason, him.

If you make an ultimatum you must stick to it to the letter.

What are you going to do?

In a much watered-down way, you could be describing my dh at various points. It makes me start to think about my realtionship too when I read things like this.
I am quite shocked to hear he smacks your dc; I think this would be a pivotal moment for me...luckily my dh is as soft as s**te when it comes to our dd. He just has a very anitquated (sp?) view on parenting - I think

Treadmillmom, you are lucky in some ways but let's face it financial security and a few laughs aren't enough are they? This man does not respect what you do as a mother and seems to be stuck in the 1950s

You don't sound like you want to leave him so that doesn't seem like a good ultimatum to give him, but I think if I was in your position I would make a note of all the times he puts you down or has a go about what you haven't done and on the next romantic evening without the kids say something to him along the lines of "I am deeply unhappy with our marriage. You say that you love me but respect is just as important. Over the last week you have done/said X, Y and Z which made me feel absolutely rubbish about myself. I've asked you politely to help me with things but you have refused. Why? {give him a chance to answer here } I can't always do everything and if you really want to resolve things with me you need to start behaving like a husband and pull your weight rather than like a teenager."

You say he listened before but then went back to his old ways - what about making up a rota of things you will both do around the house and agreeing it with him. When he tries to back out tell him he made a commitment and that means more than just trying for a few days. If he backs out he is teaching his sons that persevering and keeping promises is not important. To be honest, it sounds like he is the one using escape clauses not to deal with his children, does he feel insecure about how to be a parent?

And please don't stop asking him to help out! I wouldn't even debate it with him, he can do something or not but make it clear that you won't be doing it either. What about just saying, "The dishwasher needs emptying", that's hardly bossing him about it's just a statement of fact that both of you can ignore or do something about. If he behaves like Kevin, burst out laughing and say "You're behaving like such a Kevin". I've found laughing at DP's sulks has worked wonders

agree with the others, I gave my DH an ultimatum over NY cos he was being a twunt. seems to be better.

afriad smacking the children would do it for me as well thou, and DH knows that.

gotta admit as well since telling DH is this or that he's shaped up a lot.

This is all so wrong in so many ways. I dont want to sound harsh, but he treats you this way because you let him.

You have to change before he does.

If he still doesnt get it, pack his bags.

You arent lucky at all

He sounds like he needs a swift kick up the arse. He is the lucky one. He needs to realise that and its up to you to make him realise it, either by leaving him/kicking him out, or telling him to buck his ideas up or you are booting him out.

Nope, you're not lucky. Sorry.

(And I'm a bit aghast at the idea you're "allowed" to wear what you want. Since when do men decide what their wives wear?)

NQC, that struck a chord with me too

treadmillmom, you sound like you have a lot to cope with at the moment.
From your OP, there seem to be lots of things that you're a bit confused about:
"Sometimes I think he is a little tough on them but I am old fashioned and I prefer him to be a disciplinarian rather than not",
but then you comment that you will not be leaving the kids with him anymore. Is this because he has been "too hard on them" or "smacked them unnecessarily"?
But later you comment that you trust him implicitly.
TBH, it is of little comfort if he is funny, sociable, good company etc, if you are unhappy to leave your children alone with him.
I was also rather concerned about your comment that you are "allowed" to wear what you want.
Do you feel that you and he are equal partners in your relationship, because it doesn't come across as being that way at the moment?

I feel for you. He does seem to love you but not respect you and does not really understand how much you do! It woould be good for you to go away for a weekend and actually let him take control and see how much you reallly do do! Although you do not trust him to look after the children so it is a very difficult situation. Does he smack them as he loses his temper to quickly?

I do think that maybe you should sit down and tell him you have had enough and you do need a break as he is the one who gets the sleep ins and although he works full time you do too as a mother to two children!

My DH works full time and has one day off on a weekend, he said to me the other week (when he was still in bed) he has not had a day off for ages and wanted a lye in! I said "When was my last day off"!
I don't always think men get it as although they do work and are tired when they come home it has only been them they have had to feed, toilet etc all day! It would be nice to have a break occasionaly. I have to remind my husband that I have not had a minute to myself with out dd removing washing i just hung up, emptying drawers I just put washing in, pressing buttons on machine, and the list goes on. Our other halfs could not look after children and do housework like we do! Only one thing at a time (sorry to those few that can!)

I think your husband needs to be aware of this again and maybe you should just leave him to it and get your dad to check in to make sure all is ok and just dont go to far.

"I am ALLOWED to wear what I want" This was the one comment that made me shudder. For obvious reasons, it's your right to dress as you choose, not a priviledge. Sorry but I don't like this mentalty at all.

lucky? i don't think so. and i don't think you think you are either.

inconsiderate, rude, picky, demanding....lucky old you. and how nice that you're allowed to wear what you like though, what with you being a grown woman and all that.

no you are not lucky - the word 'allowed' is very worrying in your message

Perhaps Relate counselling could help your situation. You say you love him but are not in love with him...perhaps talking everything through with a copunsellor could be helpful.

I think that a lot of womwen moan about their husbands not helping out enough with housework and children a lot of the time jokingly, but it can be a real huge problem in a relationship. A whopper of a problem, not just something that can be put up with without resentment a lot of the time.

I agree with others that I could never accept my dp smacking our children, but that is a personal view.

Has he ever implied that you are lucky to be able to dress as you please? I would find that insulting and worrying.

You do highlight good points about your relationship which is why I mentioned Relate. Otherwise it would be a good idea to wiegh up the pros and cons of living with this man.

Good luck, whatever you do.

'help out' - wtf?

'help' = 'I know it's really my job but please will you do it for me ...' You are not asking him to 'help' you are asking him to do his part of the work

he sounds like a lazy, abusive, selfish s* to me. Dump him before he sucks the life force out of you. Do you really want your children to grow up think this is how partnership/marriage should be? Nice in public but horrid at home is BAD.

'i am allowed to wear what i want' - well, that's worth staying for isn't it girls?

And why are you still with this man?
No, you're not lucky.

He sounds horrible.

'I am allowed to wear what I want'

WTF?

He sounds like a manipulative bully to me

i'm sorry,did you say he's smacked them,as in the 15 month old baby as well?

please listen to the advice here,IME mners tell it like it is-i personally posted an 'am i being unreasonable' thread about an issue i had with my dp,and i was met with a resounding 'yes,you are!',so dont think for a second everybody gangs up against the man.

you arent lucky.i was in an abusive relationship for 4 years.we had good nights out,had a laugh etc some of the time.that didnt make it ok for him to be abusive,though.

OMG! Thank you for taking the time to read and giving me your honest opinions. I feel I?ve painted such a horrid picture of my OH he would be absolutely devastated, firstly at my posting and secondly at your views.
For the smacking, I smack but as a last resort after time out etc and in fact very rarely because my kids are well behaved (most of the time), I have never smacked the baby, that is just ridiculous but my OH did slap him on his leg on a Saturday morning I dared to go out alone, OH was frustrated cos baby would not go down for mid morning nap and kept crying and standing up in his cot, pathetic! Anyway, OH told me the same evening and he was crying, felt utterly ashamed with himself I was too grieved to speak, could not believe what I was hearing and mentally vowed not to leave them with him again unless it was the evening and they were already in bed.
I seem to have wound up allot of you with my, ??wear what I want?? line. I was just trying to point out that my OH is not a control freak like the husbands on other threads I?ve read, I do have allot of freedoms for a mother with two young children, I go out with my friends at least a couple of times a month and my husband genuinely would not turn an eye if it were more and I do dress in a funky sexy style and he has never once frowned at me, always tells me how good I look, that he is proud to have a wife that looks like me.
I just wish I could change his snappy, impatient, critical, rude traits.
Re the trust comment, I trust him not to stray with other women, like me he is a playful flirt but that is it.
So you see I do not have it as bad as others really do I? At least he told me the truth re the smack; I might never of known otherwise.
If he is doing a Charlie Stubbs on me then it has worked hasn?t it? I will not be leaving them again.

Tbh, this post doesnt really doesnt make me think things are any better.
Either you are happy with him (then why post) or you are not (as first post strongly suggets).

Again, apologies if it sounds harsh but it just sounds to me that you are just trying to justify his appauling behaviour by saying that it could be worse.

What if the baby wakes in evening when you are out and he/she won't settle?

TreadmillMom, if my husband told me that he had smacked our 15 month old baby, then we would be having an extremely frank discussion about his parenting abilities, and the future of our relationship.
Your baby wouldn't settle for a nap, so he smacked him?
The fact that you can go out with your friends whenever you like must surely be tainted by the fact that you cannot trust your husband to deal in a calm and loving way with your children?
What if one of them woke up when you were out, and would not settle?
All the advantages you have described would be meaningless to me, if I felt I could not safely leave my children with their own father.
His behaviour sounds controlling and bullying, and I think he should get some help with this. Do you want your sons to grow up thinking this is OK?
I hope you take steps to resolve this situation.