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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I had the best first online date last night

31 replies

Cat2014 · 08/06/2016 07:15

It was amazing. But I know there are a couple of factors that mean it can't be long term. So I need some advice really, just go with it and enjoy it while it lasts? Or end it now because of these factors that almost certainly won't change, to avoid being hurt in the future?

OP posts:

UpYerGansey · 08/06/2016 07:24

Watching with interest - no advice as I'm in the same boat - 5th date coming up this weekend. I'm trying hard to keep myself in check. It's not easy.

monkeychop · 08/06/2016 07:26

What are the factors OP. If it definitely can't go anywhere I'd say don't get caught up in any feelings and just have fun. Why can't it be longterm?

Resilience16 · 08/06/2016 07:26

Hi, glad the date went well. Realistically if there are red/Amber flags waving this early on I would back off and keep my options open by carrying looking. Don't settle. The next person might tick all your boxes so why compromise what you want with this person.
Good luck!x

TheNaze73 · 08/06/2016 07:27

I think Cat what the factors are, determine this call.

DoubleCarrick · 08/06/2016 07:29

I met a guy online. Had our first date. Told my housemate that night that I'd met the man I was going to marry. Been married 7 months now. Are the obstacles insurmountable?

Original poster

Cat2014 · 08/06/2016 07:31

He smokes
He's 25 and I'm 35
He doesn't drive and lives 30 mins away which could be awkward!

But
We had an amazing time, he's gorgeous, funny, respectful, we could chat for hours and can't keep our hands off each other - it's all just so.. Easy between us! But I came out of a difficult marriage recently so I'm wary it might be that he is so much fun and easy to talk to that contrasts with my ex and is making me so smitten (I do feel smitten..)
But the smoking is a big one. He didn't smoke last night at all when we were together but I know he found it tough.

OP posts:

monkeychop · 08/06/2016 07:42

OP those factors are fine!!
I'm speaking to a guy 10 years my junior, I have more in common with younger guys. Guys my age seem too boring some how
Smoking - heavy smoker? This would be off putting tbh, but he may well have plans to give up.
Distance - do you drive? Is there decent transport to yours? He must be used to public transport if he doesn't drive.
I thought you were going to say he's married or something....this is not a write off OP. Good luck!

ALaughAMinute · 08/06/2016 07:48

At a guess I would say the relationship is unlikely to work long-term but if you want a bit of fun and can handle it emotionally then go for it!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 08/06/2016 08:01

Age gap = no problem

Smoking = problem

He would have to want to give up for himself, he won't give up for another person.

Original poster

Cat2014 · 08/06/2016 08:47

Thanks everyone.
I don't know how heavy a smoker he is really - our date last night started at 7 and ended at midnight and he didn't smoke at all but he was in need afterwards!! And I know he realistically isn't likely to give up.
The transport thing.. I do drive and it's probably easier to, the age gap - not a problem now but long term it could be I guess.
But I reeeeallly like him and need this after a rough time - I just know I tend to get too attached and need some tips to stop that!Thanks everyone!

OP posts:

Resilience16 · 08/06/2016 09:32

Don't make the mistake I did. Bounced out of a really really shit relationship, met someone who I had a lot of chemistry with online, even though there were things early in that made me think hmmmm.
Ignored gut feeling, ended up in another shit relationship, which I stupidly thought was ok as was medium shit rather than really really shit.
It's easy to get wrapped up in the excitement and thrill of a new relationship (someone likes me! Someone fancies me! We've got so much in common!) that it is easy to ignore the signs that should really make you slow down and be less giddy.
Carry on seeing him by all means, but don't put all your eggs in one basket,and listen to that gut feeling. It is usually right ...
Have fun x

JellyBean31 · 08/06/2016 09:56

Must've been something in the air last night, I had a really good online date too. I'm not looking too far into the future tho, we had a right laugh & fancied each other ans that's good enough right now.

The smoking woukd be a deal breaker for me though

loobyloo1234 · 08/06/2016 10:19

I'm in the same boat Cat. Met a guy - he's 10 years younger. I'm 33 ... He is adorable though. Had our first date on Sat and seeing him again Fri. Trying desperately not to get attached but hard when we speak throughout the day. Aargh. Was planning how I'm going to put an end to this because of the age gap

No games, no drama, texts me back ... damn him and his age

SunshineOutdoors · 08/06/2016 10:23

I met now dh when I was 26 and a heavy smoker (he was 31). After seeing him for a little while I decided myself to give up as I knew I really liked him and it wasn't fair on him as he was a non smoker and I must taste horrible! It was my choice, not his ultimatum though.

Jollyphonics · 08/06/2016 10:46

Smoking - dealbreaker for me, but I wouldn't have met up with a smoker in the first place. However, if he knows it's an issue for you he may choose to try and give up.

Age - main issue with this is kids. If you want kids then realistically you will want to have them in the next 5 years, so you need to know if that's on his agenda too.

Driving - is there a medical reason why he can never drive? If not then this is easily remedied.

Personally I would go with the flow for the time being (I'm assuming smoking isn't as much of a dealbreaker for you as it would be for me, given that you agreed to meet him in the first place, knowing he was a smoker), and see what happens. As you get to know him better in the next few weeks you'll get an idea of whether any of this issues are insurmountable, and you can walk away at that stage without having invested much.

RedTitsMcGinty · 08/06/2016 16:21

Definitely something in the air: last night I also had my first date with an online guy I've been talking to - and he's 13years younger than me... We had a blast and we'll meet up again. I'd say enjoy it while it lasts (but I'm not looking for long term stuff though, so feel free to disregard me).

RedTitsMcGinty · 08/06/2016 16:24

Also - STBXH was 12 years younger than me. The age difference never had any bearing on our relationship. Sure, we've separated after 5yrs of marriage but that had absolutely nothing to do with the age gap. Go for it!

Fairylea · 08/06/2016 16:27

The smoking is a dealbreaker for me.

Age gap no issue - dh is nearly 8 years younger than me. I was divorced with a dd when we met each other (from plenty of fish!) and he had just dropped out of uni and living on his mums sofa We just really liked each other and have now been together nearly 8 years (and have a toddler son together too).

He also lived 30 mins away in a rural area and didn't drive ...!

It all worked out in the end!

Pinkheart5915 · 08/06/2016 16:35

I have no experience of on line dating. I say enjoy it have some fun!!!

The factors you mention
Your 25, him 35. I am 27 DH is 36 so we have nearly the same gap
Smoking. I don't smoke but it's no big deal for me if DH had smoked (he doesn't) I'd still be with him.
The distance can work with trains etc

HarmlessChap · 08/06/2016 16:39

Most smokers want to stop the other stuff is fine, go for it!

If you both want a relationship, but he insists on maintaining a nicotine addiction, he might be prepared to switch to e-cigs (vaping) which isn't as harmful and stinks less.

Original poster

Cat2014 · 08/06/2016 16:45

Thank you everyone :)
The kids thing isn't an issue as I have one and he has 2 boys- he had his first at 20!! So he doesnt want any more and neither do I..
I'm feeling more positive now :)
Early days will see how it goes and have fun. Good luck to everyone else! And yes- seems to be no games and no drama with the younger guys .. It's so much better!

OP posts:

Cheapthrills · 08/06/2016 17:36

I went out with a smoker I met online for about 6 weeks recently. He had played it down and said he smoked occasionally and was trying to give up. Turned out he would have to leave a restaurant during a meal to smoke (with a pretend excuse) and although he smoked in the back garden when he visited my home, the whole house stank the next morning! Deal breaker now for me.

Sounds as if you like him enough to tolerate it though so good luck.

UpYerGansey · 08/06/2016 18:27

What is it with all these young guys?
My situ is that he's said he doesn't want a long-term thing or a partner.
I get the sense he was badly burned in the past. I must take heed of that statement though, even though I think he feels the connection much more than he expected to...
He says he's been on his own for a while
He's 32. I'm 46. Not going anywhere I know - but as OP said, grateful for any tips on keeping the heart out of this!! I really enjoy being around him, and it's mutual.

lastnicknamefree · 08/06/2016 22:13

Ooh how weird so many of us in the same boat! I'm 44, had my 3rd date yesterday with a guy I met online, he's 36...the 8 year age gap wouldn't seem big at all except I have has all my kids and don't want more, he has none. After the first date I actually sent him a thanks but no thanks message and this was one of the reasons I told him I didn't want another date. I said go off and find someone 10 years younger than me and have a family etc but after a week we were still chatting and he won me round. Who knows where it will lead for any of us, time will only tell. One date at a time and enjoy!

Original poster

Cat2014 · 09/06/2016 06:56

I'm just loving it, he's so sweet, and funny, and his outlook on life is so refreshing. And he's intelligent. And he's bloody gorgeous! I'm not seeing him till next week for our second date which is probably a good idea but we are messaging. The smoking is the only thing now that still does bother me, as if it were to get serious I wouldn't want my son living with a smoker. But that seems so unlikely and such a long way off I am not thinking about it now!
I'm glad others are happy and enjoying, after my dh left I didn't think anyone would want me!!!

OP posts:

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