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How to repair myself after an abusive relationship?

69 replies

tinz22 · 07/06/2016 16:17

Hi everyone, been lurking for over a year ( I think my subconcious was telling me something) but this is the point that I’ve finally had the balls to post. Does anyone have any hints on how to get over the abuse that was doled out by my exBF for the last three years?

Sorry for the upcoming essay but I’ve been holding this in for a long time.
I haven’t read Lundy’s book yet (arrived in the door today) but I get the feeling he’ll fit the Mr Victim abuser profile: he was diabetic, his ex girlfriends cheated on him, he’s dyslexic..you get the picture...poor poor him. At the start, any time he did something I found off-putting, he minimized, professed his love and pointed out that he was from a decent family who would never do that.
He drew my attention and compared me to other girls- he liked that I wasn't high maintenance or glamorous like them, every compliment who be followed by an “if only” or a “but”. I was skinny but I had a pot-belly as he called it “lovingly”. If I called him out on shabby behavior, I was made feel crazy, unreasonable and controlling. He routinely made sure to wake me in the middle of the night so at times I was getting less than 3 or 4 unbroken sleep as once I’m woken I’m fully awake.

It upped when I was stupid enough to move in with him. I became responsible for all the housework, organising, doctor appointments etc despite him promising he’d pull his weight, when I asked for him to help out I was made out to be an OCD cleaner (that included asking him to put peelings in the bin not the floor- we got ants, apparently that’s not unusual but it was the first time in 7 years of renting). If I booked holidays, he'd complain about all the things I did wrong. When I told him to book them himself so that he'd get what he wanted, he'd make out that I was too picky and he was worried I wouldn't like his choices (I grew up having caravan holidays, I am not picky at all!)

He left a whirlwind of mess behind him and would never tidy, gave out to me if he couldn’t find something that he’d abandon in the middle of the floor. I am beginning to wonder if he planted things for me to trip over, just so he could call me clumsy. The tidying issues culminated in his grabbing me by the throat when I asked for him nicely if he could tidy his “man-cave” room (which was meant to be a spare guestroom that he gas-lighted me into thinking I had agreed was for his stuff) as he’d booked a few days off to just doss and play a new video game. He made me out as a nag that drove him to it and I shamefully believed him.

Previous to that, I realise now, that there was constant low level physical abuse where he used to pinch my sides/dig his fingers in to the point of bruising. I was told I just bruised easily and I believed him. Even though I told him to stop, he kept doing it because apparently he couldn’t help himself, my sides invited it. Same with the groping in public and the spanking my ass until I squealed in pain.

The sexual abuse I seemed to have tuned out completely - it feels like it happened to a different person but I know that I've lost sight of what a loving sex-life looks like. He used to treat me like an object/porn actress; I had to dress up, do what he wanted, be hairless and if I didn’t I was made feel like crap and he’d sulk. He lied about getting an STI test when we got rid of condoms because he said he couldn’t finish in them- i only found out about that a year later. He kept pressuring me to do anal sex even after I said it upset me to talk about it. I didn't trust him not to do damage, i should have realised that was an indictment on him not me. There was one incident where he came up to bed after being up late gaming with friends, i was asleep when he penetrated and wouldn’t get off me when I said no and it was hurting me, its one of the only times he finished with PIV sex. He apologized but deflected the blame on me as we hadn't had sex in two weeks. He with-held sex as punishment, it was only when he wanted, I was rejected if I initiated and then made out that it was me responsible for our lack of sex.

In February of this year he went to a convention where he met a girl - he came home and told me flirted with him. He said he didn’t tell her he had a LT girlfriend and after I said how much that hurt proceeded to add her on FB, told me there was nothing to worry about I was his "girl". The abuse got worse, he began to completely blank me when I was talking to him, wouldn’t spend any time with me and insulted me outright while before it had been discrete. The little housework he did stopped. This was coming up to the end of my PhD so I assumed I was horrible to be around.

But turns out he had lined this new girl up (I'm not sure if he was cheating) and proceeded to dump me. I had to move out of our rented house back home which was 4 hours away because I couldn’t afford the rent on my own and I was too wigged out to find a new place. He made out I was at fault for everything, that I was toxic, that he was the poor victim of a mean girlfriend (at that point I didn’t know about the OW so I believed him). He said that touching me repulsed him. He kept saying he expected me to be angrier but I was too exhausted to get angry. When I didn’t give him the anger, he got nastier started calling me paranoid for protecting my own interests i.e. I didn’t give him back the key until I had my deposit in my hand.

It happened two and a half months ago now but it’s broken me completely, I'm a shell of the girl who moved down to that city. As I was in the write-up stage of my PhD (which he continuously sabotaged) and couldn't focus on writing, I started seeing a counsellor who has helped me to see I was dating a bonafide sociopath (some of his stories about what he got up to with friends are chilling and I’d be afraid to relate them in case I’d trigger someone).

If you made it this far, I’m wondering have people managed to come out the other side of a relationship like this? I’m only 26 but I feel so very old, hollow and broken - that I’ll never meet a genuine good guy because I don't have that luck. I just feel hollow and like I’m damaged goods. I know I'm lucky to be free of him but I hate that he's not had to suffer any consequences for his behavior. Does anyone have any success stories to share?

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Vriksasana · 09/06/2016 20:02

bibliomania have you had the same problem, or pattern. Finding it really hard to feel anything for anybody who likes you. Developing feelings for men who have their coat on ready to leave you, but who are kind of gentle, easy going, interesting, communicative and therefore v attractive to me while they stand at the door of your heart, blocking the traffic

Never, ever again.

I keep remindinng myself that the first time I met the ''standing at the door of my heart with his coat half on'' guy, I liked him, but he didn't bowl me over on the first meeting. he grew on me because although he enjoyed my company and 'got' me, he did not value me. So literally, I fall for men who see me as the cake they want to have and eat but not, keep.