How to repair myself after an abusive relationship?

[tinz22]

Hi everyone, been lurking for over a year ( I think my subconcious was telling me something) but this is the point that I’ve finally had the balls to post. Does anyone have any hints on how to get over the abuse that was doled out by my exBF for the last three years?

Sorry for the upcoming essay but I’ve been holding this in for a long time.
I haven’t read Lundy’s book yet (arrived in the door today) but I get the feeling he’ll fit the Mr Victim abuser profile: he was diabetic, his ex girlfriends cheated on him, he’s dyslexic..you get the picture...poor poor him. At the start, any time he did something I found off-putting, he minimized, professed his love and pointed out that he was from a decent family who would never do that.
He drew my attention and compared me to other girls- he liked that I wasn't high maintenance or glamorous like them, every compliment who be followed by an “if only” or a “but”. I was skinny but I had a pot-belly as he called it “lovingly”. If I called him out on shabby behavior, I was made feel crazy, unreasonable and controlling. He routinely made sure to wake me in the middle of the night so at times I was getting less than 3 or 4 unbroken sleep as once I’m woken I’m fully awake.

It upped when I was stupid enough to move in with him. I became responsible for all the housework, organising, doctor appointments etc despite him promising he’d pull his weight, when I asked for him to help out I was made out to be an OCD cleaner (that included asking him to put peelings in the bin not the floor- we got ants, apparently that’s not unusual but it was the first time in 7 years of renting). If I booked holidays, he'd complain about all the things I did wrong. When I told him to book them himself so that he'd get what he wanted, he'd make out that I was too picky and he was worried I wouldn't like his choices (I grew up having caravan holidays, I am not picky at all!)

He left a whirlwind of mess behind him and would never tidy, gave out to me if he couldn’t find something that he’d abandon in the middle of the floor. I am beginning to wonder if he planted things for me to trip over, just so he could call me clumsy. The tidying issues culminated in his grabbing me by the throat when I asked for him nicely if he could tidy his “man-cave” room (which was meant to be a spare guestroom that he gas-lighted me into thinking I had agreed was for his stuff) as he’d booked a few days off to just doss and play a new video game. He made me out as a nag that drove him to it and I shamefully believed him.

Previous to that, I realise now, that there was constant low level physical abuse where he used to pinch my sides/dig his fingers in to the point of bruising. I was told I just bruised easily and I believed him. Even though I told him to stop, he kept doing it because apparently he couldn’t help himself, my sides invited it. Same with the groping in public and the spanking my ass until I squealed in pain.

The sexual abuse I seemed to have tuned out completely - it feels like it happened to a different person but I know that I've lost sight of what a loving sex-life looks like. He used to treat me like an object/porn actress; I had to dress up, do what he wanted, be hairless and if I didn’t I was made feel like crap and he’d sulk. He lied about getting an STI test when we got rid of condoms because he said he couldn’t finish in them- i only found out about that a year later. He kept pressuring me to do anal sex even after I said it upset me to talk about it. I didn't trust him not to do damage, i should have realised that was an indictment on him not me. There was one incident where he came up to bed after being up late gaming with friends, i was asleep when he penetrated and wouldn’t get off me when I said no and it was hurting me, its one of the only times he finished with PIV sex. He apologized but deflected the blame on me as we hadn't had sex in two weeks. He with-held sex as punishment, it was only when he wanted, I was rejected if I initiated and then made out that it was me responsible for our lack of sex.

In February of this year he went to a convention where he met a girl - he came home and told me flirted with him. He said he didn’t tell her he had a LT girlfriend and after I said how much that hurt proceeded to add her on FB, told me there was nothing to worry about I was his "girl". The abuse got worse, he began to completely blank me when I was talking to him, wouldn’t spend any time with me and insulted me outright while before it had been discrete. The little housework he did stopped. This was coming up to the end of my PhD so I assumed I was horrible to be around.

But turns out he had lined this new girl up (I'm not sure if he was cheating) and proceeded to dump me. I had to move out of our rented house back home which was 4 hours away because I couldn’t afford the rent on my own and I was too wigged out to find a new place. He made out I was at fault for everything, that I was toxic, that he was the poor victim of a mean girlfriend (at that point I didn’t know about the OW so I believed him). He said that touching me repulsed him. He kept saying he expected me to be angrier but I was too exhausted to get angry. When I didn’t give him the anger, he got nastier started calling me paranoid for protecting my own interests i.e. I didn’t give him back the key until I had my deposit in my hand.

It happened two and a half months ago now but it’s broken me completely, I'm a shell of the girl who moved down to that city. As I was in the write-up stage of my PhD (which he continuously sabotaged) and couldn't focus on writing, I started seeing a counsellor who has helped me to see I was dating a bonafide sociopath (some of his stories about what he got up to with friends are chilling and I’d be afraid to relate them in case I’d trigger someone).

If you made it this far, I’m wondering have people managed to come out the other side of a relationship like this? I’m only 26 but I feel so very old, hollow and broken - that I’ll never meet a genuine good guy because I don't have that luck. I just feel hollow and like I’m damaged goods. I know I'm lucky to be free of him but I hate that he's not had to suffer any consequences for his behavior. Does anyone have any success stories to share?

[FreeFromHarm]

Frieda, I know where you are coming from thank you for opening up, Op hopefully won't mind us hijacking her thread, we are all so very grateful moving forward and it is so heartwarming knowing we are not the only ones suffering in silence.
They say the that when a man cheats. lies and belittles their partners it is because they are inadequate in all forms of a relationship, and I think you will find this to be true, let that be our saving grace we never have to go through the moaning ever again :O) xx

[Vriksasana]

Another Veteran here. Interesting thread, I used to wonder what the formula was. I used to obsess over it nearly! Is it just time passing?? That is a large part of it, because anything really painful does take a while to get over. Going NO CONTACT is absolutely crucial. I delayed by recovery by 18 months because it took me that long to stop defending myself to him. So congratulations to all of you smart enough to go NC sooner rather than later.

Now I can look back over the last decade and categorise different stages, if it helps.... and I hope it does because this won't define your future! I actually feel a bit re-built, in my mental strength now. This might shock you but I wonder if it was worth it now. I feel I have the tools now to accept and enjoy whatever life puts in my path.

My recovery has gone like this so far.... still learning.

1. obsessing over his behaviour to me, googling everything to do with NPD, connecting with others on line. Constant state of anxiety. Still foolishly engaging with him, he'd put me up in the dock to cross-examine me and I'd try and defend myself against all of his 'charges'.
   
2. venting about what he'd done to me, had counselling (that was just more venting), vented to friends, told my life story to postmen, strangers, children's teachers definitely in a state of PTSD
   
   FINALLY COPPED ON AND WENT NC
   
   
3. began to move on, began to 'forget' that this was my history, but still had a REALLY low self-esteem, so I organised some psychotherapy for myself. That was difficult. She dug in to my parents' parenting of me and other issues. This really helped a lot. Can't recommend it highly enough. Very different from just counselling. That woman just sat and listened while I told her what I'd been through.
   
4. in the year to 18 months or so after the psychotherapy, I began to get more self-awareness identifying the root cause of my own feelings and reactions, I could see how I could react differently to things I couldn't change. I also read books such as Anne Dickson's A woman in your own right which I really truly recommend. But maybe you should go through things in the right stages and leave that one til after Lundy!!
   
5. So I tried a bit of dating - terrifying
   
6. bit of walking away from men who just aren't that in to you and that seemed to be all of them, walking away from predatory men who know you're vulnerable
   walking away from men who don't treat you right
   
7. walking away from men who won't commit
   
8. having such a finely tuned radar to misogynists and sexists that you can just tell before they've opened their mouths and so there's no need to formally walk away!
   
9. getting on with life, work, parenting, socialising, ticking off goals, but not having met a man who I like enough to go out with who reciprocates my feelings (for longer than a few weeks anyway).
   
10. reading various articles on line, psychology articles that interest me because I feel they speak to me, so I feel recovered, but self-awareness is still ongoing! and that's ok!
    
11. still single, yeh, but, feel ok about it, feel Ill either meet somebody great, or I'll be ok. I recently went to a lecture I wanted to go to on my own! I was pleased with myself, felt empowered and brave
    
12. ---------- ?? !
    
    

[FreeFromHarm]

So empowering Veiksanna, thank you , so much is true of what you have said .

[tinz22]

I hope she loses interest rather than he destroys her like he did me but you're right there's no point in thinking about it!

Frieda Clones is right! Pretty sure my ex was influenced heavily porn use too. And proud of it, including transvestite porn which he convinced me was normal! I can't believe as a virgin he held that over you but then again my ex acted as if he was the experienced one when I'm pretty sure I had a better grasp on what a normal sex life was. Rant away, I'm delighted that you've met someone really nice, it gives me hope but I'm definite that I'd prefer to be single than be with someone like my ex.

Freefrom you're not hijacking, sounds like all our exes are the exact same and I'm learning from your experiences too! Suffering in silence is how these guys keep power over us so I think its therapeutic to talk and rant it out!

[tinz22]

Vriksasana thank you for sharing your experiences. I've cut all contact (only blocked him completely on fb last week though ) and there's no way for him to get in contact with me except by email and that's rerouting any potential email from him to the asshole folder I set up for my previous ex. Thankfully you realised that he was still draining you by being in contact, people like our exes are toxic even from a distance.

I think my counselor is using a form of psychotherapy on me, if she thinks I'm in a negative thought pattern she challenges it so I'm hopeful that she will help me further.

It sounds like you're doing really well rebuilding! The right guy will come along when you least expect him to (as I'm hoping for myself).


I've explored the types of guy I need to avoid like the plague and I keep coming up that my ideal guy is self-reliant and tidy (hence I am obsessed with the idea of military guys who I'm aware come with a whole lot of their own problems)...unfortunately our military is kind of a joke here. Every guy I've dated were waited on hand and foot by their mothers therefore wanted a replacement mother and as I'm a nurturer and a protector personality I end up taking them on. No longer! I want a guy who can stand on his own two feet and if I don't find one then I'm going to be happier and freer on my own!

[FreeFromHarm]

Tinz... There is no point, and having a rant is all about moving forward and healing, we are all on this journey together, it is all part of the healing process, cry, grieve and get these sociopaths out of our lives for ever x

[FreeFromHarm]

omg, that is so true about wanting a replacement mother and the military .... a strong man who is in touch with his emotions instead of being reliant on the doormat to wipe his little botty.... made me chuckle

[Vriksasana]

I started going for these gentle free spirited types. Twice now, I've become close to men who are very emotionally communicative in the present, but who are unavailable in the sense of .........well, the future. I went day to day like that with a man for 7 months and in a way, it was the longest and best relationship I ever had. That is quite sad.

I've been looking on line at a youtube coach, Mastin Kipp. He had a few clips about being drawn to unavailable men. He's more than a dating coach, he's obviously at least HAD psychotherapy himself, if not done some training in that area. Mastin Kipp also has a clip about taming your inner critic I think. I needed to do that too! My inner critic was a right bitch! My psychotherapist asked me how I would judge a close friend for doing what it was I was judging myself so harshly for, and then she said to use that kind, reasonable non-judgemental v'oice' to dialogue with the bitch voice. I really made an attempt to do this now, and now, I hardly ever hear the bitch voice.

Before you start dating, date yourself first. :-p I knew that the 'calibre' of man I could attract would be very low, back when I was a tightly wound basket case with ptsd.

Being a nurturer / protector is very common in the types that get sucked in to these relationships I think. I'm an esfj and I was such a giver, and such a people pleaser. It was ridiculous! I have learned to rein in my empathy now. My psychotherapist even said to me that the relationship between me and my x worked in the way that he took and I gave. So that could have gone on indefinitely.

Google - the problem with being too nice. I can't find the article that really helped me, the blog has gone, but it's a good subject, something for care giving, nurturing types to give a lot of thought to.

Also, cut and pasted from a post quoting another article from that blog that has gone :-( "DROPPING THE ROPE" (going NC, not arguing back anymore)

WHY IT'S SMART TO LET TOXIC PEOPLE HAVE THE LAST WORD
In the simplest of terms, there’s nothing toxic people like more than:

1. Getting their way.
   

~ Or ~

1. Causing a fight.
   

Toxic people like to accuse, tantrum, manipulate and smear their way to either one of the above or the other. Their out-of-control emotions and self-centeredness make the blame game and the smear campaign two of their favorite tactics for keeping you engaged with them so they can feed off you.

Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.

Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.

Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.

You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.

Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.

The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.

So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s nobody holding on at the other end.

[Vriksasana]

He's good this guy. I've watched a few of his clips five times. Just sitting there thinking, this is something I need to hear, I'm going to let it really sink in.

[FreeFromHarm]

Brilliant, puts it all in perspective, or others words to feed the need of the abusive, a different way at looking at things, X went berserk when I stopped contact made him try and hurt me even more, more women came and went , all what you just posted makes perfect sense, or as the maltesers advert says...... Off you go , brilliant thanks again.
All about control.

[bibliomania]

Interesting posts, Vriksasana. Another stage to add to your list is posting on here - to find a community of women who have been through similar experiences is really helpful. I found it easier to forgive myself for being so stupid as to fall for my ex (lots of you had the excuse of youth - I was old enough to know better...) when I read the words of sensible, funny, kind women who have been in the same situation.

I consider myself to be healed in the sense that I enjoy my life now and think it's pretty great. I haven't been in a relationship since - that's seven years. I don't think that's a reaction to my ex - I was long-term single before I got together with him. I think at the start, his obliviousness to my boundaries was what helped him get close to me in the first place. I find it hard to work out if I genuinely just prefer being single (I do really like it) or whether I'm over-defended and won't let people get close.

[tinz22]

Sorry I spent the morning out kayaking instead of working so i wasn't near a computer all day!

Freefrom to wipe his botty made me laugh too. So many times I got called up to the bathroom because he had ran out of toilet paper so close enough! I think I'd have to move country to find a military man, Irish army isn't really the same as other countries [hmmm]

Vriksana A lot of my counselling focuses on the same, I'm way too hard on myself and expect way more than I expect of other people. The too nice thing rings true too, while I was wondering was my ex right about me being toxic, I had my friends and family and even just acquaintances screaming that at me! That article you quoted is brilliant, it was the exact reason I cut contact because I knew if I stayed in touch all I'd do is get more abuse and my mental health was worth way more to me. I had to get my deposit back and that caused him to be nasty but once I got it, that was me deleting him from my life. He hasn't contacted me since and I hope it stays that way but my friends bets are in that once his new victim sees sense and leaves him that he'll try to see if he can hoover me in again.

Bibliomania I don't think age has anything to do with falling for these guys. i think they are just such skilled manipulators that we got sucked into their games without realising it. And we gave them way too many chances. It's a character flaw I'm not willing to change in myself, I'm a nice caring person but I know I will apply a tougher stance to romantic partners in future.

[tinz22]

I am just after remembering one of the parts that got to me the most. When we started dating my ex said he was going to learn to drive when he got the money and time. I had my car so I became taxi/designated driver for him.

As time went on, I asked him the odd time did he want to go out somewhere to practice, he always had an excuse but he'd get around to it, his biggest excuse was that they wouldn't let him drive until his blood sugars were in control- he was a terrible type 1 diabetic. I got ill and began to pull back on the driving because I just wasn't able for it. During this time, I got guilted for refusing to drive 2/3 hours to places so he could do his nerd things. He used to tell his friends that it was because I didn't want to, not because I wasn't able to.

He never paid for petrol and the tax/insurance/maintenance was all on me too even though I rarely used my car unless he wanted to.

The salt in the wound came when he dumped me, he said one of the main reasons he dumped me was because I nagged him about learning to drive and he had told me that he never had any interest. It was all lies, if he had told me at the start that he was never going to learn to drive I would have walked away. We lived in a city where the transport system is pretty much non-existent and our hometowns are 2-5 hours drives away. Although I know now an abuser tries to justify his behaviour to the point of mental illness, it defies belief that he could look at conversations I had printed out about it and deny that he was a liar. I thought I was being petty at the time but it was a massive thing to lie about.

I looked at Lundys profiles last night, I saw strong similarities with Mr Right, Mr sensitive, The water torturer and the Victim....

[FreeFromHarm]

I love you guys, this thread has been so rewarding, I unfortunately had the worst nightmare last night, I struggled , we must allow ourselves time, it is so great that we have all found each other abeit anon. I do not think until we actually take time to grieve, it is so important in the healing process.
I must admit that Biblio I am 51 and was with my x the same amount of time as you, I really think it is a self preservation issue, I do not think I could Ever be with another man after this, but you never know, reading and listening to everyones experiences , we have to stay positive for us to move on.
Tinz, I go windsurfing, but just had a setback with my back ... love the water it really helps heal, well done you xx

[FreeFromHarm]

Bloody hell, he didnt drive... another control thingy, that must have been so hard, remember YOU HAVE NOT BEEN DUMPED !!! you have been relased from bum wiping :O) xx

[Vriksasana]

I think nightmares are good. I learnt a lot from interpreting my own dreams.

It's the anaesthetic wearing off. the paralysis is behind you.

[FreeFromHarm]

I agree they are good, I had a local, tonnes of steroids, felt so bad yesterday, I had 1 hours kip last night then had to drive my son to College for his maths exam, when I got back I flopped in the recliner for a couple of hours, feel so much better now.
I have permanent damage ( you can guess why !! ), but I look at the healing I am doing and see how lucky I am really, many just curl up and give up, I am no quitter xx

[Vriksasana]

bibliomania

"his obliviousness to my boundaries was what helped him get close to me in the first place."

Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I never had any real emotional intimacy with my x but he wriggled his way in to my life ignoring boundaries and vulnerabilities that had kept other more decent, saner men at arms length. When I met my x I was depressed and vulnerable and really, any 'nice' man would have backed away.

So after escaping from him, I thought the danger I neeeded to be wary of was other abusive men, but no, because really, I'm so finely attuned to that now I needn't worry. I do think that in the past for sure I had a fear of being 'seen'. Emotional intimacy was terrifying to me, because I think I felt like I was only saying and doing things, I think I felt there was nothing to see inside like I was just held together by a few likes and dislikes. It's hard to explain, and it's only become less terrifying to me following my recovery from the abusive relationship. Now that I have a healthy self-esteem, I'm no longer trying to have a relationship whilst simultaneously being afraid of being seen! I'm no longer afraid of emotional intimacy. At least, that's what I'm sitting here typing. I'm still working on that becaus the last man I grew close to did not want a relationship. Or rather, he didn't want to commit to one. He wanted one though.

It's only now that I believeI am a funny smart kind person interesting worthwhile person that I am not terrified of being seen, emotionally.
I did keep the right people at a distance in the past. That became clear to me reading articles about being too nice. Google that one! The problem with being too 'nice'. The whole ''relationship'' with my abusive x was an "irrelationship" a term I only learnt about on psychology today website. Basically it's a form of being unavailable.

So like you, I'm happy, enjoying life. But in my case, I'm wondering, CAN I have a relationship with an available person? Why does it feel like there's nobody good enough to date who would be happy to date me. I can not get that reciprocity thing.

[FreeFromHarm]

The hardest thing I think is the intimacy, I have been left with some much illness and sexually transmitted from his selfishness to use protection is my main downfall, I felt 'dirty' its all under surveilance if thats the right word, but I have struggled with the legacy of all the inflicted things.
My rape counselor has said it will be a long time healing the vast amount of stuff I have been left with, I am gradually learning to live with it.
My confidence is much better than it was, my self esteem is getting there pre ex H , I lost myself for so long, I am gradually coming out of the gloom staying positive and seeing I am not the only one, has help me so much, thank you all xx

[bibliomania]

Vriksasan, I feel like we can just follow each other around, liking each other's posts. So much of what you say resonates with me.

Free, it's horrendous what you've had to deal with, but wonderful you feel yourself emerging from the gloom.

Delighted to hear you were out kayaking, OP. That's the way to go!

[FreeFromHarm]

Here for you all xx OP to, xxx

[tinz22]

Freefrom The nightmares are horrible, I hope you've managed to shake it off at this stage! Not only didn't he drive, but he got carsick and stormed out of the car in the middle of traffic more than once making out it was my fault. I wasn't allowed to turn on the heater in the middle of winter because it could make him sick, or sing along with the radio (I can sing, spent half my life in a choir). I hope your back gets better, steroids can really knock you out once they wear off.

Vriksasana, I'm hoping in future I'll be like you and I'll have natural defenses against abusive men.

I'm glad now I started this thread, I wasn't strong enough a few weeks ago but its so helpful. I went to see my counselor today, she thinks I need to contact an abuse charity in the view of accessing their resources, getting some validation (as I told her how all ye lovely ladies are helping me) and maybe asking the charity to get the gardai involved. I freaked out at the thought, on one hand he will continue to abuse people (he's definitely a sociopath) and I don't want that. On the other hand I'm terrified a) that they'll all think I'm lying and b) of the repercussions on me if the gardai do listen and have a talk with him. I honestly don't know what to do but I think the first point would be to contact the charity.

I'm still waiting on an STI test, my doctor knows the full story and wants to be safe. I was ready to get one but then miss monthly appeared and hasn't f*ed off for the last five weeks (I have potential PCOS). I hope I haven't caught anything from him because if I do I think that'll be another hit when I didn't think he could hurt me further.

[FreeFromHarm]

I had a double dose, feeling much better this evening, I looked like a beetroot yesterday all red and puffy, Thank you,
That must have been so restricting for you him being a non driver, you are well rid.
Hope your results come back ok, try not to worry ok, I will never forgive my x as it was a deliberate act of grievous bodily harm....and it continues ....
xx

[MariposaUno]

Vriksasana wow you post about not biting the bait with toxic people is great to see written down and I am doing exactly this now after years of being emotionally beaten down and doubting myself. I wasn't even in a relationship with them but they were kind of related. I made that decision almost 2 years ago to emotionally detach and only now I'm finally rid of them in a sense.

To the op time is a great healer and not having any relationships for as long as you can help it, love yourself.
I made this mistake, I really wasn't ready and although he wasn't a bad person he wasn't right and I basically made more bad choices.
Since 5 years splitting from ab ex on par with yours,I'm now only focusing on nurturing and living for myself.

I do have a current bf but not ltr.

[Vriksasana]

Yes, and my x used to drama bait me so well by insinuating that I wasn't as nice as I thought I was.

he really knew how to rob the only thing I had from me. I knew I hadn't achieved much, academically, professionally, I felt weak and ashamed in the relationship but I think, what little identity I had at the time hung on my belief that I was a nice person. So of course, when I left him with the dc he told me I was cold-hearted, cruel, a home-wreck etc... he made me feel that I was a BITCH not to give him another chance (it would have been the millionth). He made out that if I were nice, I'd see that small part of him that was good and ignore the bad in him, cos that's what a NICE woman would do, and I wasn't doinng that, so therefore I was not nice, I was cold, cruel, selfish, ruthless. He was the victim.

Every time I@ve had a bf, I've still felt single. LIke, yeh I have a boyfriend but actually, I'm single! I have YET to meet anybody, date anybody, who makes me lose that label of single. It runs deep, like in a stick of rock.