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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is husband justified in his sexism?!

71 replies

wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 15:13

This is making me go bonkers! He is claiming that 'as a man' he will automatically have a stronger sex drive, be more turned on by others against his will (not be able to keep it down for want of a better term!) then women could be, exclusively. This of course leads him to the 'obvious' fact that men have more of a reason (or excuse, from my point of view!) to be unfaithful, women however don't have these innate urges lol, none of us! Apparently! Can anyone else not bare the excuse 'but I'm a man' so I'm excused, AHHHHHHGH, just need to vent! Happy to hear all opinions as if I'm wrong at least I can just chill out lol

OP posts:
Felascloak · 07/06/2016 18:12

Oh. Well I think he's playing games with you. Either to minimise whatever he's lied about or to stop you asking. Would he do counselling do you think? I doubt he's preparing the ground, it sounds more like distraction.

Original poster
wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 18:15

I just wish I could pass the pain to him for a second so he can see how much it does hurt, he has done this u-turn, now wandering around downstairs like nothing has happened, while I'm upstairs crying, oh no, update! apparently all men would consider going elsewhere if they weren't getting it at home, he's really ticking all the boxes tonight

OP posts:
Jan45 · 07/06/2016 18:17

WTAF, if he is serious then I pity you being stuck with him, he sounds like a complete idiot and is paving the way for past indiscretions or future ones under the banner of he can't help himself and is entitled - who in their right mind would want shackled with this kind of arsehole, sorry OP, I can't make anything else out from what you have written.

mylovegoesdown · 07/06/2016 18:24

He is sexist and an arse by the sound of it and there is never any reason to justify infidelity.

But anecdotally, I know three female to male transgendered people who noted a huge increase in sex drive after starting testosterone injections and they also started finding more people attractive and 'flirting more'. Online FTM trans people talk about that a lot too so hormonally I think there is something there. Although there are numerous factors such as increased confidence in becoming the man they feel they are etc that could also explain it. But I wouldn't discount the effects of male hormones anymore than I would discount a woman saying she is tearful, irrational, clumsy or horny around the time of her period or during pregnancy.

But hassling partners for sex, saying it's just because they're a man etc or suggesting 'going elsewhere' are the actions of not a very nice person. Testosterone may lead to increased sex drive but that doesn't mean another or (many other) people have to service that need and that the sex drive is not within that persons control.

Original poster
wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 18:25

I think, even though my mind isn't making much sense atm, that this is his genuine feelings, he has just done a very good job at hiding them. I am happy to admit that I am not the type who would be ok with my husband going to other women for his kicks, I have no problem with women who wouldn't mind, but I know it would kill me, it wasn't the marriage I thought I was entering :(
There is a possibility he is trying to justify what he has already done, minimise and make out I'm the unreasonable one, it is so so very far from what I believed him to be like. But atm I don't think he can even be arsed to fight for me, too much work, and that would mean him giving in and admitting he is being wrong, which he does not like doing!!

OP posts:
SharkSkinThing · 07/06/2016 18:34

Wow. He sounds pretty transparent in his deceit, OP. What a horrible situation for you.

Hope you're OK - hand holding here if you need it. 💜

iremembericod · 07/06/2016 18:37

He probably came to this conclusion because most women don't want to have sex with him

couldn't possibly be to do with him being a cock

teenybean · 07/06/2016 18:39

What an absolute twunt!!!!

My sister had sever depression & one of the side affects of her antidepressants was it killed her sex drive, her & her oh didn't have sex for 5 years! They've been together 12 years & it was only the year before last they got it sorted & I can guarantee my bil definitely did not go anywhere else! (Personally I think he deserves a bloody medal, but that's not to do with the no sex, that's just for being with my sister! Lol)

your hubby is being a moron!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/06/2016 18:43

He's not only a sexist arse. He's cruel. As a PP said he's trying to put you on the back foot and make you settle hence his 'all men do it' line which really means don't think it will be better elsewhere And his justification for cheating it will be your fault in some way

This is who he is. If he had shown you this side on your first date, you would have ran a mile. You still should.

Original poster
wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 18:48

thank you guys, your words are the only thing keeping me going :( he has finished things with me, all over this, first talk of it ever since we have been together, and it's over! because 'we are not compatable'. Because he would go elsewhere if he needed sex. This just isn't him, I'm in total shock, so gutted, thank you guys x

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 07/06/2016 18:51

What a wanker. And no not true. When I'm ovulating I'd hop on anyone even remotely attractive and ride him like a rented mule, but I don't do I?

CheerfulYank · 07/06/2016 18:52

What?! Just saw your update! Omg. Honey.

RiceCrispieTreats · 07/06/2016 18:57

He doesn't sound very nice. Cruel, even. Like he's toying with you and upsetting you on purpose.

WomanActually · 07/06/2016 18:57

He's basically saying that he won't go without and if you didn't want to/ couldn't have sex for a few months or whatever he can go elsewhere because he's a man and it's natural.

But if he doesn't want or couldn't have sex with you, you can't get it elsewhere cos you're a woman and it's not natural.

He's a twat OP. I'm sorry Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/06/2016 18:59

You know the saying; "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but the pig likes it"?

That applies perfectly here. The best case scenario is that he wanted out and hoped that by revealing some horrid beliefs, you'd do the hard work for him. The worst is that he's believed this through your marriage

Look after yourself.

WomanActually · 07/06/2016 19:04

Just read your last update OP.

I'm so sorry. I hope he hasn't already been unfaithful because he's hurt you enough without any more nasty shocks. Other posters will give you fantastic advice.

Flowers
Gabilan · 07/06/2016 19:07

Anecdotally, I find my sex drive is considerably higher than that of some men.

There's also evidence that female infidelity arose in part from male infanticide. Research on sex drive is fraught with difficulty and very susceptible to social influence in several ways.

And until around 1800 it was thought that a woman had to orgasm to get pregnant. There are also cultures in which it's assumed that female sex drive is higher - after all women have sex even when they thereby risk an unwanted pregnancy.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 07/06/2016 19:10

You won't be able to see it just now but you are better off without him. He'll probably expect you to do the pick-me dance. Don't.

expatinscotland · 07/06/2016 19:12

Prepare yourself for the fact that he is already cheating because he is laying the groundwork for justifying it and blaming you for it, which is emotionally abusive twattery. He's a fuckwit.

Original poster
wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 19:14

thank you, all of you, the ovulation comment made me giggle, just so sad, he's refusing to talk to me now, when I have repeated it back to him he's shouting, that's not what I said, yet he can't tell me what bit isn't correct. Telling his mum something else as usual, his parents only get his manipulated story. What do I do now? I'm so lost. He's refusing to talk as we are over, so apparently there is no need to talk ever again, such maturity!

OP posts:
BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 07/06/2016 19:15

Oh bloody hell sweetheart. I hate to say it, but it seems to me like he may have already committed some kind of infidelity and was sounding you out. What an arsehole - when I read your first post, I thought you'd gone and married an ex of mine from years ago!

We're here for you Flowers

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 07/06/2016 19:17

He's refusing to talk as we are over

He's turning it back on you, out of guilt over something. I second what expat said.

sashh · 07/06/2016 19:21

Jiz Weasel .

He really shouldn't judge other men by his low standards.

Original poster
wonderlandmum · 07/06/2016 19:36

and this is someone who over our marriage has said how he is so different to other men, how some men treat women disgracefully and we are so lucky we have each other, he would never be like them, lol, guilt i guess

OP posts:
Froginapan · 07/06/2016 19:41

W.O.W

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