Very low contact with parents and struggling a bit - reassurance please from people in similar situations!

[Lottapianos]

Brief background - narcissistic, engulfing parents who don't do 'independent' or 'different'. Grew up never being allowed to have feelings of my own. Used as marriage counsellor / emotional dumping ground by mother since age 10 / 11. Have struggled with depression and anxiety since forever. Spent 6 years in therapy.

I have been very low contact with my parents for several years now - no phonecalls, text / WhatsApp once or twice a month, see them about once a year (they live in a different country). They never visit me. I very slowly realised through therapy that they were toxic and emotionally harmful. The process of separating and detaching from them emotionally has been excruciating, and I have been deep in grief for the past few years. Every time I see them (not often), I come away feeling drained, scared, depressed and grieving all over again for the relationship I thought I had with them.

I'm coming out the other side of the grief and I have periods where not being in touch with them very much really does feel 'ok'. The situation will never be what I would like it to be, but it honestly does feel ok at times. I remind myself of the awful things they have said and done, remind myself of the psychological effect they have on me, remind myself that there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect and take care of myself. And yet..........

I'm feeling guilty again. Feeling like I 'should' visit them. Like I 'should' be in touch more often. I find myself worrying about them. And then I remind myself that they are adults, in good health, with no financial worries, and they know where I am. I have never not been welcoming when they have visited in the past. So why should I be taking on all of the responsibility etc etc etc

So I'm stuck playing ping pong with myself again! Back and forth between guilt and strength. Its exhausting and I'm tired of thinking about them all the time. Please share any words of strength and wisdom from your own experiences. I know that feelings going up and down is a normal part of this process but I'm really struggling right now

[Cathpot]

Thanks springydaffs. I contacted woman's aid years ago and they said until she was ready to leave there was nothing anyone could do apart from set up a coded signal if things escalated. She wasn't anywhere near ready to leave then but the children are older now - I don't know if she is closer to going now. In the past presented with lists of typical red flags she will focus on on the ones he doesn't do as evidence it's not that serious. He is not financially abusive in that he doesn't control any of the family money as he is a lazy arse and sorting that stuff out is too much hassle. He does however begrudge her spending money on herself. I'm overseas so I'm a bit out of the loop but I'm returning home and will try and be of more help. Anyway, thank you for your thoughts, I will look up the book and I will try and get her to look at online support like mumsnet as I think she would take advice / help better from people with direct experience.

[springydaffs]

She doesn't sound at all prepared to leave him. Which is a shame because her children are living, and learning, in this hell hole and will no doubt go on to replicate a similar dynamic in their adult relationships. If she can't /won't do it for herself I wish my mother she would do it for her children.

The thing that is hard to understand, and penetrate, is that victims of abuse are often addicted to their abuser. Complex and heartbreaking, especially for the children.

[springydaffs]

Anyway, perhaps it would be better to start your own thread about this?

[Cathpot]

Yes, sorry, will bow out , thanks for the advice

[cinammontwist]

Phew. Just spoke to Dad for his birthday. I was dreading it. He was actually in good form - it's clear he's been made a fuss of this morning (time difference) because he could actually have a conversation, rather than an extensive monologue about how wonderful he is.

He's not malicious at all, never has been. He's just so unbelievably damaged and needy that his 'love' wounds the recipient, because it demands so so much and gives so little, whilst at the same time thinking he has the right (or even obligation) to moralise. Good thing is I don't have any guilt about not speaking to him earlier than now. I can't fix his problems. Just glad he seemed happy.

[Lottapianos]

Springydaffs, I always enjoy your posts so much. I really like your idea of being wealthy in different areas of your life. Some people have loads of family 'wealth' - we don't but it helps to think of the areas of my life where I am very wealthy indeed, where I have riches that many people could only dream of. Thank you for that

Well done cinnamon and I'm so glad that you were able to have a pleasant conversation with your dad today. Do you feel that he's incapable of functioning as the parent in your relationship and that his neediness means you end up feeling like you should take care of him? That's how I feel with my parents and it's been a big part of me detaching from them. I just couldn't take the responsibility and the guilt any longer.

Huge hugs to anyone who is struggling on Father's Day today x

[cinammontwist]

Lotta - that is exactly it. The first time I recall feeling responsible for Dad's emotions was around 4 years old. That's why it's so challenging to detach, because I feel such a great responsibility for him. It's incredibly unhealthy and codependent but I'm gradually getting there.

Hugs and support to everyone who is finding Father's Day tough. All those pictures and posts to these amazing fathers can be heartbreaking if yours wasn't like that.

[Lottapianos]

4 years old. It's horrendous, isnt it? You grow up believing at a very deep level that your parents and their needs must come first and that you're not allowed to have any needs of your own. During the process of detaching in therapy, I honestly felt like I almost didn't exist because who was I if I wasn't an extension of my parents anymore?! It's so damaging and so toxic.

Keep going with your great work, you're worth it

[cinammontwist]

Oh Lotta I completely get it. I have always been an extension of my father - to the point where he rarely uses my name but calls me 'daughter'. Finding out who I am is an ongoing process in so many different areas of my life. Keep at it - you're worth it too! I think you're my soul sister (smile)

[Lottapianos]

Soul sisters sounds good to me

[SeaEagleFeather]

lotte Ive been looking for this for a bit ... it's a quote from a book written in 1891, well over 100 years ago now:

"Filial obligation is a point upon which those parents lay the heaviest stress who have done the least to develop the relation between them and their child. The firswt duty is from the parent to the child : this unfulfilled, the duty of the child remains untaught"

Old fashioned language, but all those people who go on about their children owing them? a very old fashioned strict man more than a hundred years ago knew that the parent had to be loving towards the child, and that the parents who were least loving were the ones who demanded most.

I dunno; it's helped me a lot with a strict and unloving father who expects me to jump when he deigns to notice me at all. Thought maybe it might help you a bit too.

[Lottapianos]

Thank you for sharing this Sea. I very much recognise the contrast between the expectations of the parent contrasted with the efforts they have put in to actually get to know their child. I feel that, in general, my parents see me as 'daughter' rather than 'Lotta' and their main priority in the relationship is getting their own needs met. I also think this is not conscious on their part, but it's still dysfunctional and terribly damaging.

I very much agree with him that the child in the relationship should always be the one who is protected and taken care of by the parent, rather than the other way around. Quite a few parents just don't seem to be able to manage this. I could scream when I hear platitudes like 'parents will do anything for their children '. It's simply not the case for everyone