I really feel like I've fucked my life up

[Sandyshore]

Brief history, married young, 3DC, same stupid story of SAHM so ex could build his business, intending on going back to work when DC were at school. Until the day when DH walked out after an affair and I realised how fucking stupid and naive I'd been. I was so poor, literally breadline poor, debts in my name, 3 kids to look after, no work history or further education. Just a bloody big mess really.

So I made some changes, went to college and did my access course, paid my debts off little by little and applied for uni. Still as poor as ever but felt like I was getting somewhere on my own, the first time in my life I didn't rely on a man to support me.

Just before college I met now current DP. We'd been together for a year and a half when I started uni and on the day I went to enrol ....positive pregnancy test. It was like my worst nightmare. I'd just got out of all the baby stuff, youngest was at school, I was finally starting uni and I was pregnant again. DP had no children and I loved him. I didn't want to have an abortion as I knew in future he would want a child of his own, it was do or die for Th relationship really so I went ahead with the pregnancy.

I managed 8 months of my first year before I had to drop out as DD was born.

So here I am today, 4DC, still no job or education. Relying on a man who could walk out at any moment to support me.

When DP moved in I obviously came off all benefits so he supports the household. I get basic maintenance from ex and a small amount of CB as DP is a high earner. Which is fine as long as we are together.

And I feel like shit. Like I've done nothing with my life but look after kids so men can go out and get themselves a career.

DP is generous but I still feel like I'm going cap in hand to him everytime I need some money. He pays the bills at the beginning of the month and then any money I need I have to ask for. He won't add me on his account as I have bad credit from before and he doesn't want to be financially tied to me on paper. He wouldn't and hadn't ever said no to giving me money. Card details are stored on the laptop so I can food shop. He'll ask me each day if I need his bank card that day and leave it with me.

But it's shit you know? At 35 to have to say oh can you leave the car because I'd like a new top or some diesel etc.

And I have this nagging feeling like I've royally fucked up my life, saddled myself with another baby (who is lovely etc etc), still not achieved anything and am dependent on a man for everything.

And he still has his life, he goes out regularly to the gym and sports and night out and I feel like crap asking him to watch all 4 DC so I can go out because he gets stressed with them messing around and I feel guilty about it and 4DC is hard work I made my bed etc etc.

I've been applying for jobs recently and haven't got one interview yet. Real entry level stuff but nothing. And I've wasted my potential, I got all distinctions at college and all my essays at Uni were over 70%. But I'm still sat here wiping bums and picking up toys which I've been doing for 12 years and bollocks to anyone who says there is real long term value in that because there isn't. If there was then men would bloody do it.

I've been an utter fool letting myself get back in this situation and I can't see a way out. I can't go back to uni as I won't get funding. I can't get a job because I have fuck all experience.

Feel like my life is one big mess.

Sandyshore brilliant, well done! You'll blink and then the course will be all done. Take it one step at a time and only think of the next assignment you have to do, it can help to stop the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Good luck

Congratulations, OP! I wish you all the best

StealthPolarBear: don't think I wrote that lightly. I know in an ideal world one would only stay with one's partner for love but this is not an ideal world and she finds herself in a situation that is far from ideal.

Yay, congratulations, well done!

That's fab! Well done OP :) x

Great news OP!

Well done OP!

Can I add another story.

I know of a primary head teacher who at 30 was a dinner lady. Then she did some training and became a TA. Then she did access/ part time uni and qualified as a teacher. She is now the head of the (outstanding) school she used to be a dinner lady at. She is married to the caretaker 😀.

Go for it!

Thank you for all the nice people who commented on my getting a degree in my 50's. I wasn't "allowed" to study more than "O" levels as a teenager, I had to fight for these, as my father was very old fashioned & believed education was wasted on girls. Therefore no chance of a degree or A levels under those circumstances. I have been in full employment all my life, paying NI & tax. I will be paying tax and NI until I'm 66. I should have received my pension at 6O but now have to wait until I am 66. I have paid for myself to do an A level in IT. Therefore I don't feel guilty about doing my degree, I have more than paid my dues. My children have massive University debts but good degrees from good Universities. I can't change their situation. I fully intend to seek employment when I get my degree. Thanks again everyone for the nice comments. Sorry I didn't reply sooner, I had a busy weekend. Awaiting my final results for this year mid July. 😊

And a huge worry that I am vulnerable financially I'd DP leaves.

Never too late to start becoming financially independent, even with kids.

I cleaned houses to start me off....

Better now than never...

You would be teaching your kids this too for their future.

So glad you've enrolled.
It's determination and resilience that will get you through - no matter what life throws at you in the meantime.

I left school with nothing thanks to a disrupted childhood. Had a minimum wage job for years. I got used to people moving on at parties when I told them my occupation. People are so shallow!

In my late 30s I started an OU degree whilst I was working and with young children.
By my 40s I had a masters and a PhD.

I still find it hard to believe but less than ten years later I hold a very senior role(s) and lead several teams in a very difficult discipline.

Go for it - you can do it!

Sandy, you have reminded me of my mum. She married young after getting pg and having to quit teaching college. Three kids close together, a disabled husband and no money for a very long time.

When we all hit secondary school age she started her OU. Graduated alongside her kids. Found better work with her new qualification, rose up the ranks and ended up better off and more fulfilled than she had imagined possible.

I am unbelievably proud of what she accomplished, and have deep respect for women who do similar. You can do it.

Do you have any plans to marry? You would be far more protected financially this way.

When you are 40, the baby will be in school, and it should be easy to find a job during school hours, and no childcare will be required. But would imagine, it will be minimum wage stuff.

Have you considered starting your own business? You could perhaps think about child minding?

You seem very down. Just remember, people on their death beds rarely wish they'd worked more. I imagine they give thanks for their children and grandchildren. You have so much to be thankful for, in having 4 healthy children. You are their world.

But yeh, get a ring on it!

I work FT with 3 children under 6.
I was 26 with a 6mo when got dirt career job, 5y after my peers from uni. I have been self conscious ever since, knowing I missed those years (studying, unemployment, had pre ellclampsia in pregnancy)

Nobody can see inside your mind. Project confidence and enthusiasm and you'll convince your partner, your children, yourself that it is worth it

The start can only come from
You. Believe in yourself! I've been extremely frustrated myself at home unemployed poor with little ones. Channel it!!