I really feel like I've fucked my life up

[Sandyshore]

Brief history, married young, 3DC, same stupid story of SAHM so ex could build his business, intending on going back to work when DC were at school. Until the day when DH walked out after an affair and I realised how fucking stupid and naive I'd been. I was so poor, literally breadline poor, debts in my name, 3 kids to look after, no work history or further education. Just a bloody big mess really.

So I made some changes, went to college and did my access course, paid my debts off little by little and applied for uni. Still as poor as ever but felt like I was getting somewhere on my own, the first time in my life I didn't rely on a man to support me.

Just before college I met now current DP. We'd been together for a year and a half when I started uni and on the day I went to enrol ....positive pregnancy test. It was like my worst nightmare. I'd just got out of all the baby stuff, youngest was at school, I was finally starting uni and I was pregnant again. DP had no children and I loved him. I didn't want to have an abortion as I knew in future he would want a child of his own, it was do or die for Th relationship really so I went ahead with the pregnancy.

I managed 8 months of my first year before I had to drop out as DD was born.

So here I am today, 4DC, still no job or education. Relying on a man who could walk out at any moment to support me.

When DP moved in I obviously came off all benefits so he supports the household. I get basic maintenance from ex and a small amount of CB as DP is a high earner. Which is fine as long as we are together.

And I feel like shit. Like I've done nothing with my life but look after kids so men can go out and get themselves a career.

DP is generous but I still feel like I'm going cap in hand to him everytime I need some money. He pays the bills at the beginning of the month and then any money I need I have to ask for. He won't add me on his account as I have bad credit from before and he doesn't want to be financially tied to me on paper. He wouldn't and hadn't ever said no to giving me money. Card details are stored on the laptop so I can food shop. He'll ask me each day if I need his bank card that day and leave it with me.

But it's shit you know? At 35 to have to say oh can you leave the car because I'd like a new top or some diesel etc.

And I have this nagging feeling like I've royally fucked up my life, saddled myself with another baby (who is lovely etc etc), still not achieved anything and am dependent on a man for everything.

And he still has his life, he goes out regularly to the gym and sports and night out and I feel like crap asking him to watch all 4 DC so I can go out because he gets stressed with them messing around and I feel guilty about it and 4DC is hard work I made my bed etc etc.

I've been applying for jobs recently and haven't got one interview yet. Real entry level stuff but nothing. And I've wasted my potential, I got all distinctions at college and all my essays at Uni were over 70%. But I'm still sat here wiping bums and picking up toys which I've been doing for 12 years and bollocks to anyone who says there is real long term value in that because there isn't. If there was then men would bloody do it.

I've been an utter fool letting myself get back in this situation and I can't see a way out. I can't go back to uni as I won't get funding. I can't get a job because I have fuck all experience.

Feel like my life is one big mess.

Its never too late, you are young, and you can make things better for yourself. Open University could be the way to go. Please dont feel a failure you have 4 healthy dc, and your partner should like a good guy. Don't be hard on yourself, Sandyshore.

Sounds like a good guy!

You can do an Open University degree & it's not based on your household income, you pay the loan back when you get a job & are earning around £18,000. I have just finished my first year & I'm in my 50's. I'm doing an open degree so that I can study a range of subjects. I've started with Spanish & I'm doing an arts module next. You can take as long as you want to get a degree. You are still young enough to do it.

I turned all my shit around at 30. Met my now DH the year of my access course. I had DD from previous wank bag twat brains who fucked off but set my sights on uni etc. Same as yourself. Pregnant at the end of the first year. He was 23, I was 30 so....I had an abortion. Went on got the degree, got the job I wanted, we got married...hello 48. Haven't worked for 9 years, career is a thing other people have. Generous, kind husband. We have moved abroad for his career. Eldest DD at home, miss her dreadfully (she is 23 but you know) I parked on the hard shoulder in the full belief that I could pick up but it seems picking up others shit, is a tough corner to fight your way out of. When it was me and DD1, somehow, the road was clearer.
I too am angry, resentful and disappointed in my lack of fight but it feels as though I am suffocating under a pile of fucking Lego.

I think nearly everyone has days, weeks or months of wishing they'd made different choices and wishing their lot in life was better as a result.
Without loads of wisdom or a crystal ball how can anybody know how the decisions we make today will affect our future?

I regret my choice of degree subject, it is one of those useless degrees mentioned upthread which opened no doors for me and I've been stuck doing low-paid, low-status work ever since. A degree is by no means the key to success. Being a mother has given me far more skills than a degree ever would.

Could you do a night class or online class which would give you the skills to do something in the future you would love? Have a long think about what you would really love to be doing when you are 40, 50. Take your time to think, then find a way to get the skills you need. It doesn't have to be a degree. You can learn just about anything watching YouTube tutorials for example.

Op you sound a bit like me except im 40 and on my own with 2 dc, I should be back studying but I have another 2 years until the youngest is at school and then I seriously need to retrain to do something. I work part time just now to stop me going mad, is that an option for you? I know time and energy levels must be tight with 4 dc.

Meant to add, year after we married I had DD2 and decided to stay home with her as hadn't got to do that with eldest. Well. Handing your life over seems like the right thing to do for every other fucker but yourself.

You need to speak to your uni. The student services at my uni were great, they should be able to give you advice on how to make a return to uni possible. You have done one semester of credit, can you restart in the second year?

If you are a student, you will be entitled to the childcare grant. I don't think this is means tested. You will be entitled to 80% off childcare fees (up to a weekly cap, I forget what). Your uni may have a nursery. Mine did and it was Ofsted Outstanding, staffed by the most amazing, caring people.

Tomorrow I hand in my final piece of work to uni, which I have done as a mature student with 2 young DC. It's not been easy, but it's definitely doable.

Clearing is coming up very soon. Why not speak to your uni and find out how you can get a late application in so you could maybe start in September? Or January if you can count the credits from your first semester still.

Also, you should still be entitled to a certain loans. When I started my degree, it was still under the old rules, so I'm not sure if it's changed, but for most of the loan calculations what mattered was your unearned income (e.g. investments, interest on bank balance) not how much you actually earned. This may well have changed, here's a link to find out how much you could be entitled to ...

www.studentfinance.direct.gov.uk/portal/page?_pageid=153%2c4680136&_dad=portal&_schema=portal

Tomorrow, pick up the phone to Student Services at your old uni and ask if you can talk through options to return to uni. You can do it! :)

Sorry, that should have said "can you restart in the second semester ?"?

Also, I think you need to have done an application to take part in clearing. I dunno if you can still put an application in at this point, but worth asking!

Also, one more thing (sorry!) this year the caps have been taken off student numbers on degrees, so that means it might be easier to get into a lot of courses.

www.theguardian.com/higher-education-network/2015/mar/18/almost-half-of-english-universities-plan-to-recruit-more-students-after-cap-is-lifted

I had a long post drafted, but thought better of it.

You have NOT fucked up your life, that can only be determined at the end of your life. Get on about improving what's left of it. Crap now? Awesome later? On balance it could be really good, but only you can do something about it... Start now...

I had four children at 35 and re trained. It was bloody hard work but I did it. It was a full time two year college course and then I went on to complete several other courses while working including two uni courses. The uni offered me a place to continue studying but I couldn't because it was too far away to do a daily course.

Go for it!

You can do an Open University degree & it's not based on your household income, you pay the loan back when you get a job & are earning around £18,000. I have just finished my first year & I'm in my 50's. I'm doing an open degree so that I can study a range of subjects. I've started with Spanish & I'm doing an arts module next. You can take as long as you want to get a degree. You are still young enough to do it.

To be frank, this really boils my piss. You are only one year into a degree that you can take as long as you like to finish and the average for OU is six years, by which time you'll be around sixty or already well over 60. What is the likelihood of you then getting a well paid job (that you were not already qualified to get anyway) using a non-industry specific degree where you just picked whichever random modules that floated your boat because you fancied stretching your mind to ease your mid-life crisis boredom?

And the tax payer gets to fund this little ego-boosting jaunt for you because it's highly unlikely you'll be paying much of it back.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for self-improvement at any age but pay for it yourself, don't let the taxpayer fund your little hobby when there is precious little benefit to them or society in the long run.

I'm not blaming you personally for taking advantage of the system as it stands but the system is very very flawed indeed and I wish to God it would change. Even people past retirement age can get funding for degrees which they will never have to pay back - it's utter madness. We need to look to supporting our young people and nurture their talent and focus on their future now, not pander to the whims of a generation of spoilt baby boomers who have had it too good for too long and screwed it up for everyone else. And I say that as a woman in my fifties. We had our chance to access university with a full grant first time around and we chose not to take it. That's our problem, not anyone else's.

At 35 it is all still to play for; no way have you fucked anything up irreversibly yet but you will definitely have to play the long game.
The Open Universitry is a good option and it's not the totally isolating distance ed experience some might think as they have forums, classes, and some courses have residentials. Students doing the same course often form local study groups etc.
Childcare costs for your baby are a joint responsibility: it's not on you to chuck in uni and your career path (even if it isn't clear what that is yet); he needs to take equal responsibility.
It sounds to me like you're not crazy into this man but if he will support you to get back to uni now (not in X years when it suits his version of family, etc) then it might be easier for you to stick with him a while. On the other hand, if being with him is sucking your life juice away and/or he isn't likely to support you to get back to uni anytime soon then it might be worth reconsidering your domestic arrangements.
If you stick with him and can make it work then you need to review how you have your finances set up. Assuming the household income is enough to support some fritter for the adults (and it sounds like it is because he is having nights out, going to gym etc.) then you need some money that is yours to do with as you will without having to account to him.
You're in a pickle, for sure, but you do have options and your life isn't over.

AddictedToCoYo: can I just say, in the strongest possible terms, how very very wrong I think you are. Wrong on so many levels. Not going to get into why on this thread but I couldn't leave your nasty neoliberal rant to stand without saying something.

Notinmybackyard: I hope you enjoy your degree very much indeed :)

Yes of course you can just say, and in the strongest possible terms I can just stand by what I said. I think it's an gross misuse of taxpayer's money and it's one of those examples of where law (as in the inability to discriminate based upon age) is an ass.

You need to clarify your options with your DP I think. Is he prepared to pay for childcare so you can study? If so go for it. If not then you do need to delay a bit I guess until youngest is getting some free hours.

I have some sympathy for your DP about not wanting to look after 4 kids only one of which is his BUT the time to exercise that discretion and caution was before moving in with you. I know it's a million times easier to say than do but you do need to have a frank discussion with him about whether he's part of the family or not. Maybe you need to think a little selfishly for once?

OP, to gain entry to a social work uni programme requires voluntary experience of some sort, so you maybe can start there. It has to be the right kind of voluntary work which demonstrates you have worked with people in need directly (so working in a charity shop gains less experience points than working in a women's refuge, homeless shelter, etc). Could you try and start doing something like this? You can gain entry on to an MA (2 year programme) if you have a degree then. You might get your fees paid (although you need to look at this) as this used to be non means-tested if you were offered a course place.

A social work course involves placements (full-time work) as well as assignments during this so it is hard going. This is not to put you off but you beed to know th

oops, posted too soon ..

...you need to know the reality.

You could do (paid) support worker jobs if you wanted to earn whilst gaining experience instead of voluntary jobs.

Hi Op. Thought I would give another perspective from someone who has the independence and career. I went to uni at 21 and then started a job after doing a masters in a competitive industry, I'm happy with my career and I have the independence you mention. But if I'm honest, if I had to choose between this or a family, I would choose a family, and I would want to stay at home for the kids, no matter the impact on my career.

I completely see why you feel the way you do, and obviously, having done the career route myself, perhaps it's just a care of the grass is always greener.

If I were in your position now, I'd be asking DP to pay for your DS4 to go to nursary 2 days a week, so you can start a job or do some studying. Do you think that would be possible? In the long run, when all DC are in school, this would be a benefit to you both for more household income.

So while I sympathise with you a lot (I really do!)... When you're in a career and working your way up, I guarantee there will be days you wish you weren't!

And your age in no barrier to a career... Woman in my industry at that age who have had children are an asset because there's less chance they will be off on maternity leave.

Xx

If you studied to be a social worker you will never be unemployed. I recruit social workers and there's always a shortage of them.

That's a good course to do and with the social problems it will continue to be needed.

Some courses can be done via distance learning, but you need to do a couple of placements as a student.

Have you spoken to your husband and shared your feelings with him? He might suprise you with a solution. I think if you phrase it as you would like to be in a position to contribute financially to the household.

Explain how most help is only available to low income households. He must be a good person taking on 3 children.

I totally get how you feel and this SAHM thing really isn't good when a man walks out of the door.

And the tax payer gets to fund this little ego-boosting jaunt for you because it's highly unlikely you'll be paying much of it back.

A - we are all taxpayers. The OP and the person to whom your venom is directed included. It is not for you thankfully to decide how much life anyone has left. A 50 year old graduate can still have 15 years of working life, possibly 20. Still many many years left to give. And that's not even considering all the years of tax paying before any degrees were started.

B - You are the fucking ass here. Anyone in our society has the ability to access further/higher education and that is why the rules on funding exist. Why should anyone be barred from developing at any age?

OP and anyone else - I did my first degree at 30, second at 35, third mid 40s and just finished my last one last year at 47. I have had 4 good careers. It is never too late to expand your mind and options. Those that say otherwise are just narrow minded dipshits. Ignore them and go and get yourself whatever qualifications you feel you want.