Nc for this. My heart feels like it's going to burst through my chest atm, my anxiety and panic attacks have been going through the roof lately so if some of this doesn't make sense it's only because I can't keep a straight line of thought atm and am in two minds completely about if I should post this or not.
I've been reading relationship threads for a while and now I am terrified that I'm emotionally abusive, I was beginning to think that dp was until an argument last night and now what if it's not him and it's me?
We've been arguing since Friday, Feb last year our relationship was over, we'd been separated a month (not married, at that point not living together either). Things had got too much back then. I went out, got drunk and slept with someone else. Felt enormously guilty about it because despite being over I still loved dp very much.
We ended up getting back together a couple weeks after that, and I told him about the night out before we did. He was understandably extremely hurt and felt betrayed, said that I should have known I was still his even if we'd been split up. That coupled with painful memories from my past (not to do with him, I've been sexually assaulted before I was with him in case that's relevant) I've asked him repeatedly to stop bringing up, I suffer from anxiety and depression and talking about it all just makes my anxiety take over. Lately I've had the constant pit in my stomach, getting to the point where I feel like I can't breathe anymore. So I snapped and told him that I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to relive it. He got angry and said I must have something to hide if I don't want to talk about it, that I can keep my secrets if I want. I told him that I felt like he had no respect for my feelings because of it. A few more things were said by him with me just replying 'ok' at most. When he starts getting mad and having a go I shit down, withdraw completely. I can't handle it and just feel numb. I told him eventually that I was tired of feeling like his punching bag for one night and was going to bed.
Next morning we were barely talking, he still seemed angry and I just felt worn out. I'd barely slept and had a headache, felt pretty crappy. My anxiety had increased and I was feeling constantly panicky and on edge. He said something along the lines of not wanting us to spend the day in a mood with each other and id said I didn't want to either. He went out for the day and when he came back late evening he took one look at me (I was exhausted from housework, looking after my dc from my previous relationship and headache had just got gradually worse all day) and said I see you're still in a mood then. I ignored and asked if he'd had a good day and he said "not really and can see my nights not going to be any better." I told him I'd give him peace if he wanted (thinking I'd just go up to bed and sleep) which really pissed him off. He said I just wanted rid of him, and I finally broke.
Told him that he had no respect for me, made me question and doubt myself constantly but still expected me to make him happy and have sex with him whenever he wants, that I felt like a shell of a person these days, he didn't care about what I wanted or needed and I wasn't just some stupid bitch there to satisfy him. He got mad again and said that it was me that made him feel like shit, how did I think he felt when I went running into the arms of another man so fast when we were split up (over a year ago now but something that's regularly thrown at me) while he'd been sat home distraught over me and I didn't realise how hurtful the things I say can be. I said that I'd keep my feelings to myself, I was sorry I hurt him I didn't mean to. He told me I was just going to do that to shut him out more.
At this point I was feeling completely empty and exhausted. I had no love to give him, no affection or anything. I feel empty, and he hates it. He thinks I do it to punish him, said I was emotionally abusive because I know how it makes him feel when I get distant and withdraw.
I honestly don't mean to be like that, I just can't take anymore. If I don't shut down I can't cope anymore, I need to be able to just withdraw from everything until I can process and cope with it. Today it's like nothing has happened, he's carrying on as usual but I can't and if I don't snap out of this soon he'll notice and it'll be more arguments.
Reading it back sounds daft but it's the culmination of small remarks, things being turned into my fault, me apologising for everything because in the end it's easier to let it be my fault and apologise than to actually say that I don't think it's me anymore.
To the rest of the world we have the perfect relationship, he's loving and attentive, brilliant with my dc and provides for us, takes care of us. In reality I want to scream because I can't get rid of this feeling in my stomach and I don't know if it's just me, and what if it really is my fault and I am abusive and just can't see it? He once said I was so determined to be the victim that I was blind to the bigger picture and I'm beginning to think he's right and I'm just going crazy and I can't see my behaviour is what's wrong.
Don't even know what I want to get out of posting, I just need to know if it's me. I'll do anything to change if it is, I just need to know
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Relationships
Am I emotionally abusive? Is he?
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IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore · 05/06/2016 09:50
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