Am I emotionally abusive? Is he?

[IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore]

Nc for this. My heart feels like it's going to burst through my chest atm, my anxiety and panic attacks have been going through the roof lately so if some of this doesn't make sense it's only because I can't keep a straight line of thought atm and am in two minds completely about if I should post this or not.

I've been reading relationship threads for a while and now I am terrified that I'm emotionally abusive, I was beginning to think that dp was until an argument last night and now what if it's not him and it's me?

We've been arguing since Friday, Feb last year our relationship was over, we'd been separated a month (not married, at that point not living together either). Things had got too much back then. I went out, got drunk and slept with someone else. Felt enormously guilty about it because despite being over I still loved dp very much.

We ended up getting back together a couple weeks after that, and I told him about the night out before we did. He was understandably extremely hurt and felt betrayed, said that I should have known I was still his even if we'd been split up. That coupled with painful memories from my past (not to do with him, I've been sexually assaulted before I was with him in case that's relevant) I've asked him repeatedly to stop bringing up, I suffer from anxiety and depression and talking about it all just makes my anxiety take over. Lately I've had the constant pit in my stomach, getting to the point where I feel like I can't breathe anymore. So I snapped and told him that I've told him repeatedly I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to relive it. He got angry and said I must have something to hide if I don't want to talk about it, that I can keep my secrets if I want. I told him that I felt like he had no respect for my feelings because of it. A few more things were said by him with me just replying 'ok' at most. When he starts getting mad and having a go I shit down, withdraw completely. I can't handle it and just feel numb. I told him eventually that I was tired of feeling like his punching bag for one night and was going to bed.

Next morning we were barely talking, he still seemed angry and I just felt worn out. I'd barely slept and had a headache, felt pretty crappy. My anxiety had increased and I was feeling constantly panicky and on edge. He said something along the lines of not wanting us to spend the day in a mood with each other and id said I didn't want to either. He went out for the day and when he came back late evening he took one look at me (I was exhausted from housework, looking after my dc from my previous relationship and headache had just got gradually worse all day) and said I see you're still in a mood then. I ignored and asked if he'd had a good day and he said "not really and can see my nights not going to be any better." I told him I'd give him peace if he wanted (thinking I'd just go up to bed and sleep) which really pissed him off. He said I just wanted rid of him, and I finally broke.

Told him that he had no respect for me, made me question and doubt myself constantly but still expected me to make him happy and have sex with him whenever he wants, that I felt like a shell of a person these days, he didn't care about what I wanted or needed and I wasn't just some stupid bitch there to satisfy him. He got mad again and said that it was me that made him feel like shit, how did I think he felt when I went running into the arms of another man so fast when we were split up (over a year ago now but something that's regularly thrown at me) while he'd been sat home distraught over me and I didn't realise how hurtful the things I say can be. I said that I'd keep my feelings to myself, I was sorry I hurt him I didn't mean to. He told me I was just going to do that to shut him out more.

At this point I was feeling completely empty and exhausted. I had no love to give him, no affection or anything. I feel empty, and he hates it. He thinks I do it to punish him, said I was emotionally abusive because I know how it makes him feel when I get distant and withdraw.

I honestly don't mean to be like that, I just can't take anymore. If I don't shut down I can't cope anymore, I need to be able to just withdraw from everything until I can process and cope with it. Today it's like nothing has happened, he's carrying on as usual but I can't and if I don't snap out of this soon he'll notice and it'll be more arguments.

Reading it back sounds daft but it's the culmination of small remarks, things being turned into my fault, me apologising for everything because in the end it's easier to let it be my fault and apologise than to actually say that I don't think it's me anymore.

To the rest of the world we have the perfect relationship, he's loving and attentive, brilliant with my dc and provides for us, takes care of us. In reality I want to scream because I can't get rid of this feeling in my stomach and I don't know if it's just me, and what if it really is my fault and I am abusive and just can't see it? He once said I was so determined to be the victim that I was blind to the bigger picture and I'm beginning to think he's right and I'm just going crazy and I can't see my behaviour is what's wrong.

Don't even know what I want to get out of posting, I just need to know if it's me. I'll do anything to change if it is, I just need to know

[goddessofsmallthings]

He was understandably extremely hurt and felt betrayed, said that I should have known I was still his even if we'd been split up

His alleged hurt and feelings of betrayal because you had sex with another man after you'd split up are far from understandable, and the fact that he described you as being "his" when your relationship with him was ostensibly over is a massive red flag.

Your OP and your subsequent posts, as Frog has said, make chilling reading and it appears that this controlling and emotionally abusive man has socially isolated you and fucked with your head to the extent that you have become a shadow of your former self.

Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and give consideration to seeking further counselling on the understanding that, as with many physical ailments, pain may need to be endured as part of the healing process and therapists cannot help patients/clients who aren't prepared to work towards recovery.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Sweetheart he's very, very abusive. He's horribly controlling and he's isolated you from literally everyone. He gets aroused after making you talk about your sexual abuse and he makes you feel like you're wrong for having feelings. This is a horrible, terrible relationship and you know it. You split because you kept trying to keep some independence and he wouldn't let you. Now you've given up all your independence but it's still not good enough because it never will be.

[IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore]

Thank you everyone for all of your replies, you've given me a lot to think about. Tbh I don't know how to respond now, one part of me is going there's no way he can be abusive or anything, he's done so much for me, he's made me very happy too. Things seem safe and normal with him from my perspective, if I've had a bad day I want to go home to him, that there's only problems when I question things or over react to something and if I don't then things are so good between us, and the other half is trying to remember what it was like before I was with him.

I honestly don't know what to do now. I can't picture my life without him, I don't know if I would cope without him and that hurts, I've two dc and no, no input from their dad (as a poster asked) I've raised them single handedly up until I met him, I used to be strong and confident and I've no idea when I turned into the person I am now. Now the thought of being on my own without him terrifies me. And I know that sounds stupid but I can't shake it. And I genuinely love him, him and my dc are my world, I don't know where I'd be without them.

[IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore]

Right now I just feel numb, I thought there was something off about things he said and did etc but never really let myself fully consider that it was outright wrong. There's always been a reason for it in my eyes

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

If you don't question things/step out of line then things are good. Of course! Because he doesn't allow you to be a person in your own right.
You don't know how you would cope without him - of course, because he has made you completely dependent on him.
Your children aren't his, great. Now think about getting them away from his toxic influence before they are damaged beyond repair. Is this the kind of relationship you would want them to have?

[smilingeyes11]

Bloody hell - I agree he is massively abusive. I would also add that your feelings of massive anxiety is your body/subconscious/whatever telling you that he is. I am sure if you were not with him all these anxieties and feelings in the pit of your stomach would vanish. He is dangerous and vile. You know this or you wouldn't have started such a thread.

Please call Women's Aid and gather whatever support you can muster. Do not tell him about this thread and ensure you clear history/cookies etc so he cannot find this too.

[ricketytickety]

Does it matter at the moment whether it's abusive or not? You aren't happy together. Give yourself a break and then analyse it.

You aren't abusive: abusive people don't analyse themselves like you are.

I could give you my opinion on your dp but actually it won't matter because I don't think knowing he is abusive will convince you to break from him. It will help you later when you rebuild yourself.

For now, you are having anxiety and panic attacks and you know it's related to your relationship. So tell him you need some space to think. If he doesn't respect this then call for help. Don't be confrontational with him as he will likely get mean. Just tell him you need some space and ask him to move out and go from there.

Because that is what you need. You aren't happy with him. After you part company you will begin to work out what has happened to you.

If you have a counsellor ask them for their support when you are asking him to leave.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I used to be strong and confident and I've no idea when I turned into the person I am now. Now the thought of being on my own without him terrifies me

The process of becoming the insecure and unconfident person you are now began when you met him and has progressed to a point where you now feel terrified at the thought of being without him.

However, you are overlooking the fact that you were raising your dc singlehandedly and managing perfectly well until he came into your life, and when you fully comprehend the damaging effect he has had on your psyche, together with the negative role model you have become for your dc, your "genuine" love for him will evaporate along with the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that currently enshrouds you.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and enrol on the Freedom Programme so that you can begin to reclaim your soul - I use the "s" word advisedly as this controlling and abusive man is the equivalent of a devil incarnate who won't be content until he owns you body and soul and even then he'll continue to squeeze you until your pips squeak, as he is doing now, for fear that you may find a way to elude him.

Your life is already barely your own and I urge you to take action now before you become lost to your friends/family and those of us here who have concern for your welfare and wellbeing and that of your dc





Now the thought of being on my own without him terrifies me

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

[Atenco]

That is the entire point of isolating you, OP, so that you are no longer a strong, independent woman and that you only have him to turn to. Most of the people, including myself, have experienced this to a greater or lesser extent. I was lucky, I got out after a year and a half, but my ex was hellbent on separating me from my friends. My dd had a bf who managed to cut her off from all her friends too, by pointing out all their defects. When she finally saw through him and split up she had to start from zero making friends and rediscovering her naturally friendly disposition.

[Kittencatkins123]

IDont - I'm so glad you've stayed on the thread.

I really would try contacting Women's Aid - at the least you can at least talk about some of what you've shared today and get some support.

A bit of a different thing but I've also called Samaritans before and found them so helpful. It's an option anyway.

Do you have any family you can talk to or who might be able to help?

Thinking of you and sending

[MrsUniverse]

Sweetie, I know it's hard. I know the easy option is to tell everyone you're ok and it's not so bad.

But it is bad.

You are a strong person, he can't take that from you. All he can do is lie to you and make you feel weak. You have to stop letting him. Please walk away now. Go to women's aid and talk about it with them and escape this little box he has you in.

Call a friend, talk to them.

Please leave this man. For your kids. For yourself.

[Oswin]

Op he is seriously abusing you.
I know it's hard to think like that. I found it hard when I realised my ex was abusive too.

He has made you cut off everyone who could help you.

You never go out because he told you too.

He gets off on hearing the bad stuff you have been through.

He is a bad bad man and I beg you to realise you will be soooo much better off without him.

Abusers work in a way to make you think you can't live without them but you bloody well can.

I'm sorry

[IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore]

Thank you everyone, it's been a pretty sleepless night this end. Dp is away to work and dc are at school now, trying to work up the courage to phone woman's aid now. It feels wrong to even contemplate phoning them, we had nothing but arguments again last night. He thinks I'm purposely being off, just trying to annoy him by not wanting touched or to talk about much. I feel so worn out right now, and I'm sick of the knots in my stomach. It's like carrying around a dead weight that I can't shift and I was hoping things would seem clearer this morning but it's still a jumbled up mess.

The only thing that really is clear now is that I don't want to live like this anymore, and I've gone from worrying that it's me being abusive to seriously considering that our relationship, despite everything I thought about it and everything I've told people about it, isn't right.

But thank you all so much for your support, I thought that I was just over reacting or making mountains out of mole hills, it seems that way. I'll have a coffee and phone them, see what they say. I'll update when I can, so thank you

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Glad to hear it op keep strong.

[Froginapan]

He thinks you are purposely being off and just trying to annoy him????

Think about that statement: would a loving partner respond with anger and accusations focused on how your mood is affecting him?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

I think you are very strong. It's incredibly difficult to question your status quo, and that is what you are doing. It can feel quite destabilising at times to re-examine things you have accepted as normal for so long. Trust your gut throughout this process: it will steer you right. When things feel wrong, it's because they are wrong for you. No-one else's standards but your own matter, in deciding what is right for you.

It's possible that WA in your area will have a peer support group. It can help to hear from other women who are also going through a similar emotional upheaval. You are not alone in feeling anxious or confused about what is right and what is wrong in your relationship.

I hope your call to WA is useful. There is a lot of support out there, once you start asking for it.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I really hope you do get through to Womens Aid and they can help you.
This is a very chilling thread.
He's massively abusive and you need to get away.
Get back in contact with family and friends and get yourself some support and then run - far and fast!!!

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

So when you say he thought you were purposely being off because you didn't want to talk about much and have sex and that caused arguments last night. Was he wanting to talk about your abuse and then have seX?

That makes me feel sick it's very, very worrying that he seems to be turned on by your abuse and I wouldn't want someone like that anywhere near me or my children. It's no wonder you have a constant pit of your anxiety in your stomach when you are being forced to relive your abuse repeatedly and then have seX. its terrible.

As for being worried you couldn't cope without him. You said you use to be confident and now are anxious with regular panic attacks. That is because of him. You will be confident again.

Get rid of him and get your friends, life and confidence back and go back to having nights with wine and giggling instead of arguing and being forced to talk about sexual abuse.