What now? Head slightly scrambled

[incywincyspidergirl]

Hi Mumsnet.
Turbulent times with my partner since Christmas. Been together two years. He has always been secretive with phone & iPad. Had this before with cheating exH so asked him to not hide them away. He kind of agreed. Have felt like he's distracted, disinterested & have had a general gut feeling that he's possibly conducting a couple of emotional affairs. Spidey senses driving me nuts. Struggling to have him touch me more recently. Lots of disagreements. Not a happy place to be for us both. Today I told him I don't think we should see each other til next week cos we're just not getting on. Since he drove off I feel so much lighter, more together. Recently feeling depressed & self esteem crap.
Could these feelings of hopelessness be down to the somewhat miserable relationship? We don't live together & when it's just me & dc I feel clear headed & happy. When he's there or even on the phone I frequently feel uncomfortable & lost.
Any thoughts or advice or experiences from fellow mumsnetters would be good.
Thank you

Sounds like you are happier without him, so I reckon it's not worth the hassle.
Easier to end it now.

when it's just me & dc I feel clear headed & happy. When he's there or even on the phone I frequently feel uncomfortable & lost.

Well this seems like a no-brainer. Why would you want to continue seeing someone who makes you feel uncomfortable?

Im terrified that it's all in my head & that he's the super bloke that everyone (my family & friends) think he is & I'm just losing the plot.....
But I just feel so unsure & we're starting to bicker in front of my kids & I don't want that for me or them. I feel like my self esteem has taken such a battering which is making me question my own sanity.

Trust your gut and it sounds like your gut is telling you he doesn't make you happy

If he's secretive with his gadgets despite you expressing how you feel, then the relationship just won't work.

What does he say he is doing on the phone?

You have no ties to each other so why would he need to stay with you?

The chemistry isn't there. That's all that matters. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If it's not there, it's not there. You are happier without him. Seeing as you aren't that into him anyway it doesn't matter if he's cheating. Chuck this frog back in the pond.

You don't have to have a reason to not be with someone. You can just say it's not working for you. You don't have to justify that any further. 'It doesn't feel right' is enough.

Because of the length of time we've been together I feel I should have a 'real ' reason to end it.
But the feelings are so strong. Anxiety, butterflies, less self-belief, lack of trust towards him.... My personality has changed. I barely recognise myself. I'm in bits. But tonight I'm here with my cat & kids in bed & feel a bit like me again... But that might be the cava?

Not in bed with my cat & kids drinking cava in bed.... Just re-read & it sounded like that..god I almost laughed then

Since he drove off I feel so much lighter, more together

As his presence in your life appears to engender "feeling depressed" and causes "self esteem crap", plus you are having "lots of disagreements" and are "struggling" with having him touch you, it's patently obvious that "these feelings of hopelessness" are entirely "down to the somewhat miserable relationship" you have with a man who, fortunately, you are not in any way tied to.

However you look at it this relationship has run its course because, after some two years, you've become aware that he's not the honourable man you once thought him to be and I suggest you tell him not to bother driving back so that you can continue to feel "lighter" and "more together" than you do with him around in person or on the phone.

If your friends and family carry on enthusing over him, smile sweetly while continuing to live happily ever after with your dc who deserve considerably more than having to watch you "bicker" with a boyfriend.

Having an early bedtime on a summer evening with kids, cat, and cava sounds like a grand plan you should put into action sometime soon.

"I'm happier when we are not together" is a real reason to split up. It is a bloody good reason.

It is also one other people cannot reasonably argue with, "I am happier not being with him. It wasn't working."

Can't see your dilemma here OP.

It's an obvious one, particularly if you think your dc are affected.

Plenty more fish in the sea....

He may well be the lovely guy everyone think but that still doesn't necessarily mean he's right for you. I'd just let go tbh as someone else said it seems the chemistry isn't there anymore

Day spent with DC at adventure park. Was brill. Ran into old friends, felt like ME, had so much fun, laughed lots. NC with partner for the last 24 hrs. Coincidence?

I think 2 years is just the time when relationship reality, you both know each other and have gone through some trials.

It's perfectly acceptable to end a relationship even if he appears wonderful to others.It's actual sensible and I think helps you to work out what type of person is right for you.

I think you are being smart, he's not right for you and that's completely fine.Be brave and follow through

Thanks Newname
I need to hear that.
He's not a bad person but the situation is bringing out the worst in us both

It's been 48 hours of peace. Peace in my head, in my thoughts & thinking about the future in a man-free way. I feel calmer & like myself more.
Perhaps this is just a temporary place I'm in but I'm going to go with this feeling.... Meeting up with him in half an hour to end things.

Well done.

How did you get on Incy? Hope you are ok.

Hi Resilience
Thanks for asking - it's been 48 hours - it just had to happen really because I was so unhappy....
I'm feeling like me again. I missed the old me. I was almost grieving the old me. I feel free, lighter & stronger already. Was questioning my mental health for weeks...

Good for you. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks runRabbit
I honestly thought I was having a breakdown...
If my diagnosis is right, it was him making me painfully anxious & bashing away at my self esteem.

Well done, too many people stay in a relationship for fear of being alone.The time with your children being a single mum can be wonderful.Dont give it up if a man doesn't make your life better 100% better.

I'm quite envious of you

Hi Newname
Yep, that's true & I had that fear for months of ending up alone, never meeting another guy etc.
Put all my energy into trying to MAKE IT WORK. But right now I've got that energy to put into my dc & whatever else I want to use it for.
Being in a shit relationship is the loneliest place in the world.