Should we have another Baby or should I leave?

[duckbear]

I currently have 4 children - 2 from a previous relationship, and 2 with my current DW. When we got together I knew my DW wanted kids so we had 2 DC close together who are now at Senior School. My Wife was happiest when DD was born, and soon after we had DS, which changed everything as he is Autistic and it has been a tough 12 years or so for us both. My DW is in her mid 40s and has struggled with Health Problems and Depression. About 5yrs ago DW had a number of affairs due to an off the cuff remark I made about not wanting any more DCs. At that time I would have had another DC if it meant her not having the affairs and all the heartache since. But I was unaware of the 'remark' I made. We have got over the affairs. Recently she has started taking Folic Acid and she has been testing for Ovulation. I don't want any more DCs as my DW can't cope with our 2 and both of us would struggle with DC on our own. If I tell her that I don't want any more DC, then it is likely that we will go our separate ways as I can't cope with her having affairs again. What do I do?

[PacificDogwod]

Seek RL help.

Does your GP know you are struggling?
Have you approached SS for input/support/carer support?
You need to find a way to talk to your wife and LISTEN to her, and often having a third party in the room trained to facilitate these difficult conversations help. Seek counselling.

[duckbear]

My main issue about having another child, is that she can't cope. My preference is NOT to have another child, although if we had one I would love it to pieces and would cope. We have gone through the Baby, Toddler and Tweeny stages, and I don't want to introduce another baby to the mix.

Financially, I could not afford to leave without the kids - but she couldn't cope with them on her own, and I think that I would struggle as a Single Parent. (Although I would cope a lot better than my wife)

[duckbear]

My main issue about having another child, is that she can't cope. My preference is NOT to have another child, although if we had one I would love it to pieces and would cope. We have gone through the Baby, Toddler and Tweeny stages, and I don't want to introduce another baby to the mix.

Financially, I could not afford to leave without the kids - but she couldn't cope with them on her own, and I think that I would struggle as a Single Parent. (Although I would cope a lot better than my wife)

[Lilacpink40]

Sorry to say this but in mid 40s there are slightly higher chances of genetic problems. You'll need to look into this and be realistic on how you would cope with another child with possible longterm needs.

[Redisthenewblack]

Imagine this is the other way round. YOur wife starts a post:
'I want another baby with my husband who has mental health issues, cannot cope with the children he has got, and when I disagree to this request he starts sleeping with other women. I have taken him back. Now he is trying to get me pregnant against my will'.
The responses would unanimously be run for the hills.

But you seem to already know that is what you need to do.

From a practical point of view:
Do any of your children still see a health visitor? If so it may be worth speaking to them about what services are available to help you cope as a single parent.

I am a single parent of 3 children, 2 of which have a very serious and potentially life limiting genetic condition. My health visitor and GP have been amazing at providing help.

There is a charity called Homestart who can provide practical help through volunteers who come to your house and help out with the children/housework allowing you a bit of 1:1 with other DC, or just chance to relax and have a bath and a hot cup of coffee. Surestart are also a fantastic source of support if you can contact them.

[Isetan]

Another child would simply be a temporary distraction (just like your W's earlier affairs). Is your wife's behaviour a recent character development or has she always had an aversion to not taking responsibility for her choices and seeking escapism.

I really think its ultimatum time, she either gets help for her issues or you separate.


which a) couldn't fix your relationship and b) would make it harder for everyone else. The choice isn't having another baby vs separation it's, can

[Redisthenewblack]

My post should have read 'I DON'T want another baby.....'

[Gide]

Children are not glue. It would be twattish to try for more given her past behaviour, age and that she's not coping as it is. She needs help, mate.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Having another baby would be an extraordinary stupid thing to do.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I'd of quite happily of had another (fourth) child. However, my DH didn't want another. So I said if that were the case he should go get a vasectomy as I didn't want to be taking hormone contraceptives for another ten years plus. So he did. End of story.

I'd of never cheated because I love and RESPECT his decision and RESPECT him. Which she clearly doesn't or she wouldn't of cheated. Someone doesn't have sec with multiple men because their dh doesn't want another kid that's her excuse and victim blaming you.

Divorce her! Tell her you are going for a vasectomy (I imagine you don't want children with anyone else even if you divorce and move on) and if she doesnt respect that it's the end for your relationship but sue needs to remember by the time she meets someone else she wants to have a baby with who also wants one with her, chances are it will be far too late. and it will all of been for nothing.

[SandyY2K]

Another child would be madness in this situation. As others have said - you don't have affairs (plural) because of a remark. That's utter nonsense.

I guess having cheated on your first wife, you found it not such an awful thing.