Should we have another Baby or should I leave?

[duckbear]

I currently have 4 children - 2 from a previous relationship, and 2 with my current DW. When we got together I knew my DW wanted kids so we had 2 DC close together who are now at Senior School. My Wife was happiest when DD was born, and soon after we had DS, which changed everything as he is Autistic and it has been a tough 12 years or so for us both. My DW is in her mid 40s and has struggled with Health Problems and Depression. About 5yrs ago DW had a number of affairs due to an off the cuff remark I made about not wanting any more DCs. At that time I would have had another DC if it meant her not having the affairs and all the heartache since. But I was unaware of the 'remark' I made. We have got over the affairs. Recently she has started taking Folic Acid and she has been testing for Ovulation. I don't want any more DCs as my DW can't cope with our 2 and both of us would struggle with DC on our own. If I tell her that I don't want any more DC, then it is likely that we will go our separate ways as I can't cope with her having affairs again. What do I do?

[SandyY2K]

Another child would be madness in this situation. As others have said - you don't have affairs (plural) because of a remark. That's utter nonsense.

I guess having cheated on your first wife, you found it not such an awful thing.

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I'd of quite happily of had another (fourth) child. However, my DH didn't want another. So I said if that were the case he should go get a vasectomy as I didn't want to be taking hormone contraceptives for another ten years plus. So he did. End of story.

I'd of never cheated because I love and RESPECT his decision and RESPECT him. Which she clearly doesn't or she wouldn't of cheated. Someone doesn't have sec with multiple men because their dh doesn't want another kid that's her excuse and victim blaming you.

Divorce her! Tell her you are going for a vasectomy (I imagine you don't want children with anyone else even if you divorce and move on) and if she doesnt respect that it's the end for your relationship but sue needs to remember by the time she meets someone else she wants to have a baby with who also wants one with her, chances are it will be far too late. and it will all of been for nothing.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Having another baby would be an extraordinary stupid thing to do.

[Gide]

Children are not glue. It would be twattish to try for more given her past behaviour, age and that she's not coping as it is. She needs help, mate.

[Redisthenewblack]

My post should have read 'I DON'T want another baby.....'

[Isetan]

Another child would simply be a temporary distraction (just like your W's earlier affairs). Is your wife's behaviour a recent character development or has she always had an aversion to not taking responsibility for her choices and seeking escapism.

I really think its ultimatum time, she either gets help for her issues or you separate.


which a) couldn't fix your relationship and b) would make it harder for everyone else. The choice isn't having another baby vs separation it's, can

[Redisthenewblack]

Imagine this is the other way round. YOur wife starts a post:
'I want another baby with my husband who has mental health issues, cannot cope with the children he has got, and when I disagree to this request he starts sleeping with other women. I have taken him back. Now he is trying to get me pregnant against my will'.
The responses would unanimously be run for the hills.

But you seem to already know that is what you need to do.

From a practical point of view:
Do any of your children still see a health visitor? If so it may be worth speaking to them about what services are available to help you cope as a single parent.

I am a single parent of 3 children, 2 of which have a very serious and potentially life limiting genetic condition. My health visitor and GP have been amazing at providing help.

There is a charity called Homestart who can provide practical help through volunteers who come to your house and help out with the children/housework allowing you a bit of 1:1 with other DC, or just chance to relax and have a bath and a hot cup of coffee. Surestart are also a fantastic source of support if you can contact them.

[Lilacpink40]

Sorry to say this but in mid 40s there are slightly higher chances of genetic problems. You'll need to look into this and be realistic on how you would cope with another child with possible longterm needs.

[duckbear]

My main issue about having another child, is that she can't cope. My preference is NOT to have another child, although if we had one I would love it to pieces and would cope. We have gone through the Baby, Toddler and Tweeny stages, and I don't want to introduce another baby to the mix.

Financially, I could not afford to leave without the kids - but she couldn't cope with them on her own, and I think that I would struggle as a Single Parent. (Although I would cope a lot better than my wife)

[duckbear]

My main issue about having another child, is that she can't cope. My preference is NOT to have another child, although if we had one I would love it to pieces and would cope. We have gone through the Baby, Toddler and Tweeny stages, and I don't want to introduce another baby to the mix.

Financially, I could not afford to leave without the kids - but she couldn't cope with them on her own, and I think that I would struggle as a Single Parent. (Although I would cope a lot better than my wife)

[PacificDogwod]

Seek RL help.

Does your GP know you are struggling?
Have you approached SS for input/support/carer support?
You need to find a way to talk to your wife and LISTEN to her, and often having a third party in the room trained to facilitate these difficult conversations help. Seek counselling.

[duckbear]

We have had discussions about how she wouldn't cope with another child - but she emotionally wants another child, I am practical and know that she couldn't cope. Most of the time I am our DS main carer, but I couldn't cope without her help. We have no suitable local close family who can help which is part of the problem.
I don't want to separate but the whole thing is wearing me down.

[PacificDogwod]

Nobody can make life-changing decisions like these for you on an internet forum.

I think you would benefit from counselling in RL - either on your own or the 2 of you together.
You seem a bit unclear in your own mind what your want: for you to leave, or her to leave , or you two to stay together but not pursue having further children, or simply her not having affairs?

There is no possible compromise between 'I want another baby' and 'I don't want another baby' but it sounds like that conversation has not been had between you recently. I strikes me as weird unhelpful to not talk about something as big as this.

Tbh, it sounds to me like you are looking for a way out of this relationship/family that you can justify to yourself.
Children whose parents have split up do not come from 'broken homes' and often do better if the separation was handles well and amicably, than children who grow up in an unhappy family environment. The two of you can continue to co-parent even you as a couple don't 'work' anymore.

Wrt to your autistic son: you say that your wife struggles to cope with him? Do you cope better? What support do you as a family have? Or you wife who I assume is his main care giver??

[duckbear]

We can't afford to go our separate ways due to Financial and Practical Reasons, and having a mega frank talk about her not coping with another kid would end badly. I have spent the last year or so avoiding getting her pregnant without making it too obvious. I am coming to the conclusion that she will have to go!

[Msqueen33]

I have an autistic child and my youngest also looks to have autism. There's three years between the children with autism. For me it's played a huge part in not having any more due to the genetic link. An off the cuff remark doesn't excuse the affairs. I think a frank talk with your wife is in order.

[duckbear]

I left my first wife after having an affair leaving her with 2 kids who I still see 16yrs later. I didn't want to cause another 2 kids to come from a broken home, so I let her stay after the affairs - but with hind sight I wished I had let her go. But I don't know if I could cope with the kids on my own - I know that my wife definitely can't.

[Summerwalking16]

Leave and build your self esteem you lost somewhere along the way.

[Cabrinha]

Please don't take these comments about conception in 40s being unlikely as reason to "pretend" - to try, hoping it won't happen but won't be your fault.

Yes, on average it's less likely to happen in your 40s but LOTS of women still conceive.

It is not a low enough risk not to still need protection!

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Don't think a band-aid baby is going to fix this one.

[wherearemymarbles]

Leave is the short answer. Mid 40's chance of natural conception is not great. If you go down the ivf route youll be paying what, £10,000 per pop with a 3% chance of success??

Her affairs are nothing to do with your remark, shouldnt be for any sane person. Its easy to be harsh when you dont know some one but she sounds a little bit unhinged to me. Say to her no more kids and of she has an affair your off

[InaMay]

The chances of her conceiving in her mid-40s, while not impossible, are slim. However, OP, it seems you have bigger fish to fry here. You're wife has no respect for you or your feelings, which is evident from her affairs and attempt to get pregnant despite your opinion.

Being totally honest, she sounds troubled and is using a baby as a way to cover up and in some way treat some deeper issues she has. All this is conjecture, of course. You know your wife, what do you think?