Reply to my narcissistic DF

[WaterWorld]

Hi

My ideal aim with my DF who shows many narcissistic traits is
Very Low Contact (prefer this to total NC for various reasons)

I have recently switched positions in the family from golden child to scapegoat (on marriage perchance) my only crime - I am less able to ignore his unreasonableness now DH is here as my witness.
DF is prone to lashing out without substance, maligning us to anyone who will listen, expertly triangulating us against close shared relatives, excluding my DH whose only crime is not playing 'the game'. LYING x many. Siblings unenlightened and loving new golden child positions

SO here is the thing
Two weeks ago we tried to arrange a short day trip so that DS can see Grandad.
Grandad said he will come as long as DH does not.

I have said I will not support bullying by exclusion of my DH, entirely unhealthy dynamic for DS to see, so meeting offer withdrawn.
Slanging match ensued DF hates DH will never see him again etc etc. all goes quiet - two weeks ago. Think he hung up on me that time and the time before!

Today
Text from DF arrived totally ignoring my clear explanation of why this is not appropriate
"Lets meet, you me and DS (fair-minded kid age 7 - no diplomatic training) and try to find a way forward x"

My answers options
1 Ha ha ha ... no or Who is this? I am joking... but makes me feel better.

I don't want to ignore (politeness being my minimum standard or lie - his goto standard) but am wary of providing more than minimal 'supply' ....

[iMatter]

Even if you sort this on this occasion it just goes on and on. (And I suspect the only way through this particular episode is for you to give in. Please don't do that, even if it means you have to go NC).

Dh's mother is narc and although he really didn't want to go NC (and be painted as the villain to the rest of the family who still bow and scrape to this witch) we have cut right back to very low contact.

We do still see her (and dh's enabling father) but we have to be sure that our children are never ever left alone with her because she is so full of bile, hatred and poison I will not allow our children to be subjected to her.

I don't think it ever ends, even if you make it through this particular episode.

[WaterWorld]

The (turbo charged) flying monkey arrived. The things that came were so baseless and full of bile they could have come direct from DF

Apparently I have caused endless damage.

A short response was sent shall we say 'moving the conversation immediately onto safe and shallow ground' (AussieBean stylee)

I am stepping away from them all, leaving them in peace after all if I can do so much harm being so reasonable and simply battening down the hatches to prevent us being hit by bombs and shrapnel, imagine how bad it could be if I told them all what I really think

iMatter I hear you, it will probably never end but I will do my best not to rise to the bait.

[Aussiebean]

Sorry op. These toxic people really are the sh*t aren't they.

I hope the moving on quickly move worked. Every time they swoop just block them with that. Don't give them anything to take back to your f.

[Aussiebean]

Oh and

[WaterWorld]

Rough day today a lot of pressure from DM this time. Though not the aggressor (usually) receiving texts from her made me shake visibly (was at work when I saw the first one, they flash up on my screen).

It is not only destroying my peace of mind and impacting my working ability it is making me feel ill and shakey.
I have had to say not to speak to me about DF until he has changed his stance.

I have to say he has done a sterling job. I would appear to be without any sympathisers from my birth family at all.

[HumphreyCobblers]

Oh you poor thing. How sad that your family are putting you through this.

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing for your son and husband. And for you.

Would blocking numbers help?

[Aussiebean]

The problem with you setting up boundaries means that your f doesn't have a punching bag any more. So he will turn to someone else.

You family are quite invested in keeping you in the firing line so they aren't next.

[WaterWorld]

They are all out for themselves Aussie you are right.
Humphrey I am considering blocking numbers but as they are not a million miles away I am worried if frustrated by not being able to get messages to me, they would just turn up.

Just want to say arrrrrgh its almost physically painful that they would ALL more than watch but actually join in the bun fight even though they can see I am not the aggressor.

DH is a star and is equally shocked at todays turn of events.

I am considering counselling but have just downloaded a copy of Toxic Parents for now.

Thank you for your support

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Keep up the silence. It is the most effective thing by miles.

There is only a bun fight if you join in. If you stand aside and refuse to fight, well then, it is just a bunch of angry chimps beating their chests and making angry noises at you from within their enclosure. They have no real power over you, you can simply choose to leave the zoo and go to a concert with DH instead.

I totally ignore all flying monkey texts, emails, letters etc from my family. I have perfected a sort of skim read speed read of my mother's texts and emails to find out if there is anything I actually need to know (rare) then immediately delete. Reading, re reading and analysing are bad. Delete the crazy.

I have catch phrases for conversations. With the monkeys it is important to refuse to engage, which starts with not listening. Tell them once (in your life not per conversation) that you are not going to gossip behind people's backs or wash your dirty linen in public and so it is not a topic for conversation with them. You have to be rude if they persist. Actually look like you aren't listening. Let your face go emotionless and make non committal sounds. Be totally non-animated. Dull. "Hmm, yeah, really, well, let's see what happens." Dull dull dull. It will enrage them for a while, they'll ramp it up, then they'll get bored and stop.

To the main offender, your DF. Ignore completely. He is dead to you. Don't tell anyone that. Just do it. At most say "I'm letting everyone settle down then we'll see where we are."

[WaterWorld]

Hi RunRabbit sounds like you have been doing this for a while. How do you feel though does it get less stressful?

I'd love to let communication slide but they ramped it up so far it was making me feel ill. I had to tell them to stop contacting me about it. Of course they now have in writing that I put a stop to the communications/ Ho hum.
On that note my DM who has been exceptionally supportive (to my face) it turns out has never written anything down - she just texts for permission to phone then noting is on record!
She has been playing both sides.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Does it actually matter that they have it in writing? What can they do with it? They already have you in their sights.
If any other person was harassing you then clearly telling them to stop would be the way to go.
And tbh our Narc IL told us not to contact them but still painted us as the baddies.

[Hissy]

Honestly, what they think or don't think genuinely does not matter. If your dh is ok, kids ok, that's it. You don't need to prove to anyone why you want to be left alone.

[FantasticButtocks]

Let them have it in writing! So what? Much good it will do them. It's not going to change anything. It's not as though there'll be a court case to see who is in the wrong or in the right. You do what you have to, for you to live a happy and healthy life. Stuff them.

[WaterWorld]

I just feel outsmarted to have put the last nail in my own coffin I guess!

[WaterWorld]

I am also worried that they will present this still to DS later on and make me out to be the protagonist.

They have taken the rest of my family from me and tried to split me from my DH (covertly), I imagine it will be DS as soon as they can

[Aussiebean]

You have control over who ds sees. Don't lie to him, be honest that not everyone has his best interests at heart and will use him for their own ends. Age appropriate of course.

The fact that they tried to hurt his dad will help. Your dh can add to the narrative and if they ever get in touch with him his eyes will be wide ioen

[Hissy]

Trust me, to make you look bad, they have to lie.

To make them look bad, all you have to do is tell the truth.

Your son will love who you love, who makes you happy and loves you.

The most dangerous thing you can do is allow them access unsupervised, they will steal him by dropping poison into his ear and make him join them.