DH had awful thing happen and now using drugs...help!

[mostlyrain]

I'm going to try and keep this short. My DH disclosed to me that he'd been raped my 2 men. Since then we've been struggling to move forward. 2 small children under 3, one of which was recently quite unwell, I've got PND and we don't have family close by to support. He's refusing to seek any support or help and won't discuss it with me or any other friends. I found out yesterday that he's taking a class A drug to 'get him through' a stressful work period. I'm devastated as he's been hiding it so well and I don't know what to do. I'm struggling myself with the PND but I need to help him. I don't know how we can survive this if we're not on the same page. He's threatened to leave me if I disclose what happened to him to any of our RL friends. I feel sick and can't sleep. Anyone help with a way forward?

I'm not intending to leave at all. The opposite in fact. I want my marriage to survive so much that I'll do anything to help do that. I want to support him 100% but I'm feeling very overwhelmed and don't have my usual full quota of emotional resilience to cope with this due to my PND. He won't go to counselling. I'm having counselling but I feel we both need it (I won't force it on him). The drug taking scares me as the fall out/co sequences are huge. The fact I can't lean on anyone close to me or him means I'm totally isolated dealing with this. There's only so much strength I have.

Firstly, nobody said divorce. Time apart is not the same as abandoning him.

Secondly, the OP has PND and dc to take care of. So, unfortunately, there is more at stake here than just her dh.

What if he gets caught? Arrested? SS get involved?

I'm not saying she should turn her back on him, of course I'm not. But he simply must get help for his own sake as much as anything else.

Self-medicating with cocaine isn't exactly good for him.

And the gender reversal shite can just stop. Or would you rather derail the thread?

What might lead to me leaving him would be the fact that he's refusing to get it properly addressed but is taking illegal and dangerous drugs instead.

How is he to live with?

I would calm down with the what ifs, hasn't she got enough to deal with already? The blunt fact is that the her husband has been raped, he is using cocaine to get through it, he needs support not someone leaving him because of what ifs. Honestly I think you are overreacting and the gender reversal thing is more than valid. Imagine me coming on her saying I'd been anally raped twice by strangers, I'd taken a little cocaine to help me though the stress, and my husband was worried about his depression, and people on the Internet appeared to be encouraging him to leave me (for a bit). If my husband left me for a bit when I'd been raped he could stay gone forever frankly. Yes I am concerned for the kids but I've seen worse down the pub every weekend from so-called professionals with kids and yes I despise these people a bit, and they probably haven't been raped.

OP none of this is directed at you, you clearly want to help him but I don't see how the breakup of your family over a little cocaine could possibly help matters.

I'm sorry if I have missed this but was the rape recent? Or a historical event?

I'd taken a little cocaine to help me though the stress

You have no idea how much he took and frankly, your minimising of OP's own illness is disgusting.

When you're an adult, a parent, a partner, you don't get to decide that you'll self-medicate with illegal drugs unfortunately.

Stop minimising the drug taking. How will that help if he gets caught and they lose everything? Do you think he'll be less stressed then? Please!

One key aspect is how he is with the family.
In particular, how are his moods?
Does the drug taking affect him?

Oh they'll lose everything now?

Honestly can you hear yourself?

Maybe you should pay attention to her posts.

She said it would end his career.

Unless they're millionaires, I'm guessing that losing an income would have a knock on affect.

Don't be a twat.

I'm not "a twat". And here ends this discussion with you, you're not going to call me a twat and expect me to engage in a debate with you. Good luck OP.

Good. You're adding nothing to it except maybe added guilt for the OP about decisions she may have to make.

Bye!

FFS he has been abused. Some of these comments are outrageous, if sexes were reversed depression or no depression, no one would suggest the husband to leave his wife and have “time apart”

Completely agree.

How recent was the rape? Coke seems such an odd thing to take to cope, doesn't it? It's surprising it's not alcohol again.

It must be really awful for all of you, OP.

And the gender reversal shite can just stop

Are you the thread police?

Taking coke now suggests it's something he has been doing for a while, anyway.

But, he needs to consider how his mental health impacts his family. In that respect, and no matter what happened or what the issues are for anyone, he should seek professional help.
So, for me, what you, OP, should do depends on how this affects or not the family.

for you OP. I agree with others about getting him to maybe talk to someone anonymously.

Maybe it is the not wanting people that know him to know, that is stopping him from talking.

there are a number of themes here.

• DH's rape
• DH's Class A drug-taking
• your PND

It could be argued that all addicts are self-medicating trauma. Not that I'm saying he's an addict - but he is using a Class A drug to manage his trauma. So far, so addictive profile.

As with any inappropriate use of mood-alterating substances, it is a selfish pursuit (ie self-absorbed) which ignores key responsibilities and puts them in second place. You are probably registering that DH's drug-use is jeopordising your family - through jeopariding your marriage, to jeopardizing his job, therefore jeopardising your family income. As a pp said, the three Cs apply: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. It is for DH to address his drug-use - and, so far, he refuses to address it or address the cause of his trauma.

Although you are committed to your marriage, your immediate responsibility is to your children - and yourself as their mother. If your husband refuses to take responsibility for his marriage and family by refusing to address the drug problem and its underlying cause, perhaps it's for you to take responsibility in his stead.

Perhaps contact the drug equivalent of al-anon? You say he has had a propensity to drink in the past and it's not unlikely that the drug-use could escalate - in fact it's likely with the added extreme trauma of the double rape. Poor man. But there are orgs out there (linked upthread) to address this trauma in a safe and anonymous environment. He needs to access those orgs. This is the only way forward for him, for you, for your marrige and your family.

I'm so sorry you're facing this. Such a hard thing to face, especially when you're ill - BUT you can make your way through with tough boundaries. I do think tough boundaries are needed here to nip this in the bud and to initiate a healthy way to address his trauma.

I wish you well, op. Lean on your counselling support to pick your way through this

Oh dear!
Of course the first thing is to focus on your health OP. We can't help others if we are unwell ourselves. That does not mean you must give up on him. However there is one thing I learnt in life and it is:
with the best of intention and efforts you can't help someone who does not understand that he needs help or who does not want help. So the question is how to bring him to understand that? I do not really know. This is what I might have tried to do: to try to get as much info as possible about the night of the attack; about when he started to take drugs (the BF) can help. This BF looks like he is a good chap/friend. Without sharing with him the 'secrete' of your husband you might be able to get useful data (start of drug taking - his behavior since this stag night was the BF present? was someone you can talk to present? ). All you can do is gather data as much as possible about him/his behavior and then pass it to some professional -your PND counselor for instance- who might help you. Maybe find some lady whose husband went through the same ordeal with whom you can speak. Did you consider to go to a church just for some spiritual boost (even if you are not religious)? They are nice the religious Judeo-Christian ministers. Going to Quaker's meetings can be very helpful to him to start with- they do not speak during their service (it is just friends meeting) they just meditate together and commune together in silence. You can just sneak in a church during a service both of you and hold your hands- and that might help. Any small step toward healing without using drugs is to be welcomed. (I am an atheist who believe in people coming together for some spiritual elevation/ some heart soothing service.) Good Luck dear!

Honestly as someone who has been raped and used coke to deal with it rather than go to.counselling if that happened again now I would expect my partner to help as much as he could (which the op is doing) but above all else protect the kids. Coke use tends to make people violent, affects your job even if you aren't caught and obviously uses a lot of money.

OP I would encourage him tonat least get counselling for the drug use and maybe from there he feel able to deal with the rape in his own way.

I'm sorry to interrupt the thread but ...... Mama are you the poster who posted quite frequently about a situation in your life last year? Then one day you just disappeared. If so I've thought of you often and I hope things are better for you.

OP I think the thing to realise is that YOU are not alone, nor need to be.

You do need to talk to someone OP, and I would ring the rape crisis centre for support for yourself.

You have small children and pnd, and you are not getting anywhere quickly by keeping silent about this, and also keeping your DHs secrets.

Would you go to your GP as well?

There are two people in a marriage, and it is the duty of each to stay as healthy as can be. Till death do us part depends on each partner doing their utmost best to deal with all health issues that arise in order to keep engaged with the marriage partner.

Denying a horrific experience, being in denial, self medicating by taking class A drugs, and jeopardising a career and a revenue source for a young family, and telling everyone to be silent about it is not engaging with those marriage vows.

Please please op go to the GP and get some help for yourself, then ring the rape crisis centre for help for your DH, then narcotics anonymous for help with his cocaine use.

Your DH needs to be on board and engage or I don't see your marriage lasting even if you hide under a rock, and keep his experience and the feelings, and coping mechanisims he has about it a secret.

I think there's a high chance your marriage is over whether your like it or not. Keeping his secrets for him etc will hasten it's end.

Be brave, get help. You're not alone. Ring your GP and get an appointment.

Good luck!

Noton: it is indeed me the same Mama. I stopped posting or even lurking around because I am very busy. All is OK otherwise. When I have time I come around. Thank you for your interest. I hope all is well with you.
mostlyrain: My heart is with you. You said that your partner went for counseling regarding his drinking habits. He might want to go to a counseling for his drug-taking? Meanwhile focus on your health and the kids well-being! It is where you can make a change. At the risk of repating myself I again suggest that you go together to a nice spiritual place; that can be really soothing. I go to such places- with the kids, with my husband or just alone. It benefits me/us greatly. I have not yet discovered God. I am not looking for him. But I do reconnect to my inner-self in such places. (Concerts in churches can be very uplifting.) Good Luck Dear!

Oh god OP, what an awful situation.

Does your DH know you know about the drugs? Would he get help/stop that first? Obviously this can't all be sorted at once. If he won't deal with the rape, there isn't a lot you can do. I have a certain issue in my past that I absolutely refuse to deal with or talk about. I've mentioned it on here but that is as far as I will go, I could never talk about it in RL although it has come out at times. Some people can't and won't deal with it by talking about it. Obviously the drugs cannot go on forever though.

I am pretty disgusted at some of these replies though. I totally agree with what arsenal said. If this was a woman posting about being raped by 2 men on a night out and had a husband who was depressed, I'm sure the responses would be very different. Ultimately PND can be overcome with medication and time (had it twice, it wasn't permanent either time) but what OPs DH has to deal with is something that he will possibly never get over and the trauma will be huge.

OP, you poor thing. You need your own help as pps have said. Your BF can help you, support you going to drs etc. You will get through your PND. It's horrible but it WILL pass.

As for your DH, this will require proper professional support. Please don't freak out about the drug use yet. So much better to ask him to SUPPORT YOU BOTH by spending a few hours talking through with a professional what has happened to him. Explain that however hard he found it, it would be worth it to you as a couple because as it is this marriage is struggling.

BeYourself
We all agree:
The drugs must stop. The question is how to bring him to decide to do something about it.
I also agree that maybe for him the best way to deal with the trauma is not to speak abut it but just to reach some inner peace- that point where he understands that he is not to blame for this awful thing called rape and that life goes on despite it. This is why I suggested that they go together churches meeting houses etc places where he will not have to talk to others, where he can meditate and yet feel the presence the strength of a community united in a service, and by holding hands with OP he can feel her support- and gives her support. Now BeYourself and OP you know how it is to come to MN: there are posts that might be very hurtful or plain rude- all written in the best intentions I belive. So please mostlyrain be aware of negative posts here and please be strong enough to ignore them. They often come from people who want the best for you but whose life has been very tough. Good Luck Mostlyrain!