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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when you dont know what to do?

32 replies

JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 21:42

Strange question I know. But I dont know what to do with my dp. I love him, but he upsets me too much, and he always starts arguements with me over nothing. I am so happy with him when we're not arguing, but when we are, its like my world is falling to pieces

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:06

I'm sorry to hear about your arguments with dp.
Have you told him how you feel, when its about nothing?
Do the good times you have with him outweigh the bad?
Has he always been argumentative?
Maybe if you answer these questions yourself it will help in what you choose to do...
ISRAEL

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:11

He knows that times he makes me feel so small; he even said to me the other day that he knows he treats me horribly, but it doesnt seem to change. he started aruging with me yesterday over nothing. the good do outweigh the bad, but the bad seems to be over nothing, and even goes to the extent of him wanting to break up with me.

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:14

Oh! dear...what do you say when he says he wants to leave?
How would he react if he saw that you wouldn't mind if he left.

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:16

usually i find myself trying to persuade him to not leave me, but one of the latest times he has done it, i said that i werent going to stop him, and he said that it upset him that i werent going to. i dont know whether he just says he's going to leave me for some twisted game, or if he really means it

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:16

but i suppose if he did really want to leave me, then he would have left by now wouldnt have he?

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:21

yes...it sounds like that....It sounds like he is playing mind games with you, you poor thing.
Take matters into your own hands more...you decide weather you can put up with the arguments and him constantly saying he is going to leave.
I know I couldn't put up with it...but it's you that has to decide..

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:26

i cant put up with it, thats why im confused on what to do. i love him, but he can act really childish and do stupid things like this.

when we went away together, i planned the whole thing out to be really romantic, but he ruined it all, by arguing with me

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:31

If you can't put up with it, then don't!
Do something about it....its hard when your on the verge of making decisions...your head will be spinning.
I am sure you will have a mixture of emotions...but if you have tried everything with your dp and its still very hard then its time to
think about if you want to be alone.
Have you thought about this?...

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:38

i have thought about it. some days i think i will be better off without him, and just concentrate on me and dd, but then again i dont want to leave him. i love him, and we talked about spending our lives together, but if this is how the rest of my life is going to be like with him, i dont think i could do that

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:41

what a difficult period for you...
sometimes just loving someone isn't enough..there will come a time where you will either want to continue with your dp or go it alone.
are you afraid of the later?

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:44

i am afraid of being on my own. but funny enough, twice dp has said maybe love isnt enough, but if it isnt, what is? how depressing

OP posts:
mammya · 31/05/2004 22:46

Sorry to hear about your problems JMAD, it seems to me he's playing power games with you, trying to control you. It's a form of emotional abuse. Do you think he would agree to go to couples counselling with you? that might help.

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 22:49

i doubt it mammya as he was really against me going to see a cousellor when i was suffering from depression

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 22:55

I have been a single parent for a few years...I'm not now but about 10 yrs ago I seperated from my dp...I was pregnant at the time. It was me that loved him dearly...but after 5 yrs of being together he said he didn't want to be with me anymore.....to cut a long story short....those first few years were hard but they showed me that you can survive on your own....and it was only then that I realized just how much that man had taken away my sense of identity....I had been so afraid of being on my own and I had loved him SO much that I was willing to put up with anything....in a way I have to thank him for ending it....but today I would hope that if the same things where to happen again I would be stronger.
I am now married...8yrs...we do argue but usually find solutions...and I feel that i am still me...that I don't have to give too much away of myself to keep the relationship going...sorry...I hope this is making some sense for you.
Just be yourself...explain to him how you feel and only put up with things that dont upset yourself too much.

babysteffee · 31/05/2004 22:58

It's abuse. He's making you feel small and has no right to do that.

If you really need to think about whether or not you're happy, you're not. Just who does he think he is anyway? He's obviously got an inferiority complex, and needs to test you to see how much you love him. That's his problem, not yours.

I'm sure you do love him, and in his own way, he loves you too, but if he's not making you happy, what's the point? Breaking up will be inevitable, so why prolong the agony.

Also, do you want your DD growing up thinking this is how you behave in a relationship?

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 23:05

good points. i think i need to have a long think about whats best to do, i think iv already made up my mind, but i just want to be sure

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 23:09

JustMeandDD
Good luck in your decision making....be strong.
hugs to you....
sorry but I am off to bed now....long day
israel

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 23:13

thanks for your help israel, nite xx

OP posts:
israel · 31/05/2004 23:15

good night...Justmeanddd

babysteffee · 31/05/2004 23:22

I'm sorry, justmeanddd, I didn't mean my message to sound so harsh.

It's a really hard decision you've got to make, and you'll probably change your mind a dozen times before you really decide what to do.

Couldn't you just sit him down and explain that you do really love him and want to stay with him but he makes you miserable the way he treats you and you don't think you can carry on much longer unless he stops?

Good luck with it.

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 31/05/2004 23:27

lol its okay babysteffee, i dont know if dp would listen as usually when i sit down to talk to him about stuff, he just makes me feel so guilty. and again i dont know if its just mind games hes playing with me or what

OP posts:
Soozi · 01/06/2004 09:27

It sounds like your DP has some issues that make him feel inferior generally so in order to make him feel better about himself he tries to belittle you. Has he been bullied in the past? Does he have problems at work? If he feels he's hard done by in some aspect of his life he will compensate by being overbearing in another aspect where he has a greater element of control.

lilibet · 01/06/2004 09:39

babysteffi - you took the words out of my mouth. When I was with my now exh, I decided tht I didn't want my children to grow up thinking that this was how couples behaved. I thought that by staying in a miserable relationship myself I was maybe condeming them to miserable relationships later in life.

Can you not arrange to see a counsellor without your dp knowing?

Pleas keepposting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs - lil

Original poster
JustMeAndDD · 01/06/2004 12:13

he's not violent; he doesnt have problems in any other aspects of his life; im still thinking of seeing a counsellor, as i dont really have anyone else to talk to besides you guys; we talked the other day and he said he couldnt understand why i was the only person he seems to show his bad side to, as he could do that with people who dont matter; im so confused

OP posts:
Soozi · 01/06/2004 12:30

It reminds me of my pal and her bf. for the last 2 years they have been together/splitting up. This happens constantly. She says that he makes her feel cr*p and says really nasty things to her. After the tears and the 'splitting up' he apologises and says he knows he is hurting her but doesn't understand why he is doing it. They give it another go then a few days later it's all repeated. They are both pretty needy people and that is why I think she has stuck it for so long. As a person herself, she is one of the most funny, clever, pretty, friendly, lovely people you could meet. She always has a good time, even when she goes off on holiday by herself. Her natural exuuberence shines and she comes back with loads of new friends and contacts having had a brilliant time. Then after a few days with bf she is miserable again. Recent comment from her pretty much echoed what you said at the beginning of the thread JM&DD in that "he would be my perfect man if he would just get his issues sorted in his head and not make me feel so bad"

Hope this helps