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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gosh that was hard - but go me!

60 replies

Dollygirl2008 · 31/05/2016 11:57

Just that really. First time that my DC met "the other family" (exP left me for a witch with 3 little witches 9 months ago). It was the first "meet" this weekend for my 6 year old in the park. Gosh it was hard. The "hour" turned into 3, but I tried to just remain calm and took that a sign that it was going well. However, am I slightly twisted and wrong to wish it hadn't? I almost think "why the hell should you have it easy" even though I'm sure its not.

It was horrible when she came home and told me about the public displays of affection between them.

I know I must sound bitter and twisted, but will I ever get over this almost self consuming feeling of wanted constant revenge for being left and hurt??????

OP posts:

Valentine2 · 31/05/2016 12:49

It's all very hard for you surely but "three little witches"? that's not on. What did they do to you?

FlaptheWings · 31/05/2016 12:50

I get you OP Of course you should (and probably are) mostly furious with your ex, but OWs shouldn't be exempt. They may not have been the one in a relationship with you, but there is such a thing as morality.

It will get easier, and I agree with PPs that you should use the time you have to yourself to do something you enjoy. Step away from the hoover, and go to the pictures or something.

tensmum1964 · 31/05/2016 12:52

Dont let peoples comments on your use of language or the way you feel about the OW. You are quite rightly hurt and angry so its ok to let off a bit off steam. Whilst it isnt the OW fault that your husband left you I have concerns about women that get involved with married men with children, so its ok to demonise her as she is no angel. I suspect those defending her have been the OW so just trying to justify their own actions. Its going to be a long time before you dont feel these intense feelings of anger and sometimes hatred. Be kinder to yourself, time will help you heal. Try and carve a life for yourself so that you are having some fun, some grown up time etc. Take care, this is a horrible time but it will pass. xx

fudgesmummy · 31/05/2016 12:59

I totaly get where you are coming from OP. I still think in my head of the OW as "the whore" She certainly wasn't innocent-she knew he was married with children. I think expressing how you feel on here is very healthy, I wish MN had been around 15 years ago when I found out about my dh''s afair

randomcatname · 31/05/2016 13:01

Oh ffs it's clear the OP wasn't having a dig at the children. Unless they're on mumsnet, which I doubt. Get a grip, people.

OP for you. I can only echo what others have said. It will take time. Well done on facilitating the new arrangement with your daughter's new 'family'. It must hurt like fucking hell. Here, you deserve more .

AlanPacino · 31/05/2016 13:02

Holding on to the urge for revenge is a waste of energy. You won't be able to make him feel the same pain you have felt. Any attempt is likely to draw pity from them and create a feeling of us against them. Head up, new hair cut, new hobby, fill your life to the brim with good stuff. Not for any other reason than this is your life, and it's short.

SallyMcgally · 31/05/2016 13:04

Well done you - that must have been so hard.
Three little witches is obviously tongue-in-cheek - it's not as if OP is in the park shrieking it at them.
And perfectly acceptable to call the OW a witch, given what you've been through, especially as it's on an anonymous internet forum FFS. Your DH has behaved appallingly, but so has she, frankly, if she knew he was married with a child.
Go you! Sounds like you've done really well, and your daughter will grow up and feel really grateful when she looks back that you made it as easy as you could for her.

fastdaytears · 31/05/2016 13:05

I suspect those defending her have been the OW so just trying to justify their own actions

Yep, that'll be it. Not thinking that to still be so angry and keep feeding that anger by posting this sort of stuff (aimed at the wrong person) after 9 months is hurting the OP and stopping her being able to move forward.

It's just that we shag other people's husbands.

HandyWoman · 31/05/2016 13:14

Well done OP. There are positives here 9months is a good amount of time. dc stayed longer. dd felt able to talk about her to you (time to practise your grin and 'that's nice dear' response).

Please try and work out a plan for your anger and resentment. It's only you that it hurts. I found psychotherapy life changing very helpful.

MachineBee · 31/05/2016 13:15

I know it's hard, but try to rein in the bitterness - for yourself and your DD. After my marriage broke up, XH ended up with someone with a DS of her own, who was a few year's younger than my 2xDDs.

I took time to get to know her, as I knew she would be spending time with my girls (who were teenagers at the time) - quite simply I wanted to check she was OK for my DDs to be around. Though not someone I'd necessarily be a best friend with, unsurprisingly she was OK.

I made sure DDs knew that and they have since said this helped them at the time and meant they didn't have to worry about split loyalties. They could enjoy themselves with both parents and it took some of the stress of the break up away for them.

They will have enough to cope with simply from the inconvenience of having parents who don't live in the same house. (My DDs said this was the worst part of having divorced parents).

I'm now with a wonderful man, who also has kids - his XW left him and I met him some time after the split. Regardless of that, I'm on the receiving end of less than helpful behaviours from his XW. I see the conflict his DCs experience because their DM doesn't seem to be considering their feelings when she's making life difficult for us.

Always better in the long run to be the bigger person. Let the angst go and get on with building your new life. Your DD will thank you and learn some valuable life lessons.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/05/2016 13:16

What is it with all this OW defending? I am still angry and hurt after nearly 3 years...after what those two shits have put my children and I through. Do I blame OW (equally with my ex-h), yes I do. She knew he was married with children. She decided that issuing him with ultimatums was the way forward. She KNEW what she was doing. Sod that, she deserves no "defence" whatsoever.

OP, you've done amazingly well...and I wouldn't blame you at all for sounding off. You can do that here quite safely and if it gets you through, then all the better. It's very early days for you. Recovery takes a long time and you will move forward when you're good and ready. You have been very brave with this and frankly, if they feel it's OK to fawn all over eachother in front of your 6 yo, then that speaks volumes about what sort of people they are. You deserve better my love, and you'll get it

Original poster

Dollygirl2008 · 31/05/2016 13:16

Thank you. Thank you ALL.

You're all pretty fab. Mumsnet has helped me so much in the past, but sometimes the feelings of resentment bubble up and unfortunately today is one of those days.

Genuine heartfelt thanks. You have all helped me in more ways that I can express and yes, I know that everything everyone has said is true but I needed to just go away for 30 mins to breath and see it for the constructed criticism it is, rather than me jumping in defensively.

I'll get through this - I know I will - and I will be a better person. Eventually. And my DC is just utterly amazing - my rock - and I need to protect her from any potential damage and bad feeling. None of this is her fault. And in years to come, when I see the amazing, independent, kind, generous person she blossoms into, I'll be able to feel proud.

OP posts:

randomcatname · 31/05/2016 13:21

What a fab post Dolly

Lottapianos · 31/05/2016 13:23

The best way to deal with anger and bitterness is to let them out in my experience - in safe, appropriate ways. Posting anonymously online for example!

You're doing just fine OP. You're aware of the need to keep all of this hidden from your DD, but you're only made of flesh and blood, so you can't keep bottling up your feelings forever. Give yourself permission to feel angry and bitter instead of trying to bully yourself into 'letting it go' (which doesn't work anyway)

I second Handywoman's recommendation of psychotherapy. Life changing indeed.

MachineBee · 31/05/2016 13:25

Well done Dolly - you will get there.

One small tip a good friend gave me - when your DD kicks off, don't automatically assume it's something to do with the break up. Often it's just usual kids' issues. :-)

Kidnapped · 31/05/2016 13:35

That's a great post, Dolly.

I know you and your DD will be just fine.

Oddsocksgalore · 31/05/2016 13:47

The ow is nothing by a cunt op and so is your ex.

I'm another that can't understand why the ow is defended.

Best of luck op, I'm sure this bit is awful for you!

Willow2016 · 31/05/2016 14:31

Think everyone defending the OW is a bit precious!

She is the OW for a reason... she knew that the ex dh had a partner and a child yet she still carried on. If both of them had wanted to they could have done the decent thing and ended the relationship until ex was free to do what he wanted not carry on in a seedy affair. Having your oh go off to make a new family with someone else and their kids while leaving you with yours is hard to stomach.

Of course OP is angry at both of them, and the thought of them playing happy families together for the first time is really hard to get over. She will get there, (depending on how ex and ow act) Sounds like they are putting on some big show for op's dd so she can go back and tell mum just how 'much they are in love' type crap. No need, really the day should have been about dd, making her feel welcome and comfortable with them all, not them.

Well done OP you got through it without drama (unlike them!) It does get easier eventually, but there are still some times when it will catch you by surprise at just how hurt you were but its easier to get over such glitches.

springydaffs · 31/05/2016 15:34

Why is it that the OW is so demonised, she wasn't in a relationship with you, she didn't have any commitment to you.....
I hate the fact that the OW is always the bitch in this scenario.

oh this pisses me off no end.

He didn't have an affair with a lamp post, did he? He had an affair with a woman who knew he was married. yy he's the chief offender by a country mile - but she doesn't come off scot free by any stretch, either. 'She had no commitment to you' ffs. This really is a shit philosophy imo.

Oddsock has it.

Well done for getting through that heinous ordeal, Dolly . I even struggled when my kids met ex's new STB wife - and I left the bastard my husband. She was welcome to him ... but not welcome to my kids. Not easily, anyway.

You did good

CharlotteCollins · 31/05/2016 15:53

I think the OW defenders may have felt she was being treated as the chief offender rather than him, though. Yes, she did wrong, but the betrayal was his.

Since in the OP you referred to him factually as exP and her more emotionally, it's possible that you might be avoiding something?

springydaffs · 31/05/2016 16:00

ffs. It's not OK to shit on another human being from a height because we 'have no commitment to them'.

Original poster

Dollygirl2008 · 31/05/2016 16:24

mmm you're right - perhaps my original post puts the blame on her and not him. Just to clarify - THEY'RE BOTH ARSEH*LES (and yes, she knew about me and even met me several times - just to make it worse). No doubt she had the script though for the knob.

There - that feels MUCH better!!!

In all seriousness though, my anger, fury and betrayal has always been aimed at him more - I've certainly not tried to protect him for his actions or even tried to forgive him. He is more to blame as far as I'm concerned (and if I'm honest, so am I in ways I guess - if he was happy, he wouldn't have strayed).

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 31/05/2016 16:28

and if I'm honest, so am I in ways I guess - if he was happy, he wouldn't have strayed

I can only assume you have suffered some head injury this afternoon.

No you are not to blame to any extent.

Original poster

Dollygirl2008 · 31/05/2016 16:41

Fastdaytears - that made me laugh outloud!!! But that's what these situations do - they screw your confidence, actions and make over over-analyse everything.

The advice on here though is simply wonderful - thank you all

OP posts:

smilingeyes11 · 31/05/2016 17:01

I agree with MrsC - the OW is just as bad as your ex and you are perfectly entitled to be angry with her. Sod all this advice that you should not be angry with her. She had an affair with a married man and wrecked your family. Why on earth should you welcome her with open arms after what she has done?

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