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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sex....can't believe im asking!

47 replies

Writingdragonfly · 31/05/2016 09:15

Right, ok so im in a relationship with a lovely guy, he's my best friend, things are fab...except the sex.
I am SO attracted to him, he is hot stuff! lol all the chemistry is there, but when we first got together he had a tendency to hit the finish line while i was still getting my running gear on...he is a sensitive guy and him being worried that it wasnt good for me made it worse each time so i faked it. For about a year.
He isnt great with constructive criticism and whilst im happy to talk about sex, he turns into a blushing teenager if i talk about it, too sensitive, so i now find it hard to tell him what i want in bed because he thinks the things he did before will hit the buttons...but he doesnt know that it never did. Ugh. Now i think im too all up in my head during sex because of it to actually get to the good part at all! Any suggestions on sorting this out without giving his self esteem a thumping!?

OP posts:

ApollO88 · 31/05/2016 09:20

Toys?

BrieAndChilli · 31/05/2016 09:20

How about introducing some toys/sex games?
That way you can sell it as something 'different' as opposed to something better and it can be about increasing both your pleasure
You can get card games with different dates/positions/tips etc on so you can try new things without him thinking you are critiquing him.
Toys like handcuffs /blindfolds - I he ties you up he will spend a lot longer trying to pleasure you
Vibrating cock ring will help him last longer whilst the vibrations will help it our spot.

category12 · 31/05/2016 09:23

Can you guide him during sex? Like taking control and basically instructing him?

Otherwise you're going to have to apologise for faking and be honest.

ShowOfHands · 31/05/2016 09:26

Did you know we have a sex topic?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 31/05/2016 09:30

Well I think you either subsume your own sexual needs for the rest of your life in case diddums gets hurt feelings, or you act like an adult and talk to him, taking the risk that he will overreact and act like a brat about it. By the way, if he does act like that then it's his problem not yours

Original poster

Writingdragonfly · 31/05/2016 09:32

no i didnt, oops, sorry shall i move that way??

He is anti toys, of any kind. but i already introduced hand cuffs blind fold and stuff, but his technique isnt going to work on me when he's at it so how to tell him to actually find the bit thats going to help! think he needs educating on where to find the female pleasure buttons haha

OP posts:

JacketPoTayTo · 31/05/2016 09:41

LadyStark that's harsh. I know she had good intentions but essentially this poor bloke is going to find out that he's been lied to for a year and their sex life is all fake. Would your feelings honestly not be hurt if your previously happy and enthusiastic partner suddenly told you that actually you don't do anything for them in bed and they think your sex life is shit?

OP, you've messed up by not being honest. Obviously you realise that now so it's about getting things on track with minimal hurt feelings and upset. You're going to have to tread very carefully. I'd try first of all going down the 'spicing things up ' route like brie and category have suggested. If that doesn't work then I think you need to have the conversation with him and be honest but very gentle. And before anybody snipes about delicate male egos, it's not a male/female issue. I would be mortified if my DH suddenly dropped this on me so you need to exercise some tact.

VioletBam · 31/05/2016 09:52

Just say that you feel like you're only hitting half of your potential and that if he does x and y then you might get even more joy!

HandyWoman · 31/05/2016 09:55

Agree some tactful honesty is required here. OP you messed up - I think if you can't be honest about what you want in bed then you shouldn't be having sex with that person. If he can't take constructive criticism then he isn't perfect either. This problem is the product of both sets of flaws, and now needs to be rectified. Whether you can both get past this will be an important test of your relationship. It needs to be addressed though - head on (no pun intended).

HomeGeekHome · 31/05/2016 09:56

People's likes and dislikes can change. When I first met dh him giving me oral was a huge turn on for me, now it doesn't do much for me even though his technique has stayed the same. Could you phrase it like that? So he doesn't think he's no good, just that you've changed?

3perfectweemen · 31/05/2016 10:13

A bullet?

ordinaryman · 31/05/2016 10:18

Perhaps say that as you're relationship has progressed and your love and affection for him have grown, you like to spend longer getting to climax, in order to savour and enjoy it with him?

If he's finishing too quick, perhaps suggest to him that his first orgasm could be fairly early on in foreplay, so that when it gets to PIV he can hopefully last longer for you?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 31/05/2016 10:19

Sorry but women are far too ready to minimise and deny their own needs in order to placate a man's ego. He's 'against toys' is he? His magic penis must be the only thing that can achieve the woman's orgasm even though he's failing abjectly?
Ok to be fair to him he doesn't know he's failing but why did op lie in the first place? Because he's sensitive and his feelings would be hurt. Why are some men so feeble that they can't acknowledge that women's sexuality is different to men's and perhaps a bit more complicated?

seeyounearertime · 31/05/2016 10:24

you're going to have a tlak OP. away from the bedroom, at a pre determined time.

Admit to everything and if he cries, blushes, gets mad etc, he'll have to deal with it like an adult.

Unless you eitehr want to split up or live with an unsatisfying sex life?

CopperPot · 31/05/2016 10:24

Have you stopped faking it? Does he notice you don't cum

LaBelleOtero · 31/05/2016 10:27

Stop faking it. Our bodies change over time anyway, it's quite conceivable that things that used to 'work', no longer 'work' and more effort has to be made.

But just from what you've said, I'll be surprised if this guy can deliver the goods. He's a sexually active adult male who blushes if you try to talk about sex, and he dislikes sex toys. I think you've got a classic lights-off-under-the-covers-and-avoid-eye-contact type here.

ChicRock · 31/05/2016 10:30

Anti-toys, blushing teenager, can't talk about sex, urgh.

You just don't sound sexually compatible at all.

Stop faking it and see what he does.

seeyounearertime · 31/05/2016 10:35

you know what OP, get yourself on LoveHoney (other sex toy sites are available) treat yourself to a wand. have a practice with it whilst you're alone and then next time you have sex and it doesn't work for you, pull out the wand and see what he does.

If he loves you, he'll happily be involved and help you have a pleasurable experience, if hes s elfish jack ass he'll freak out / get mad / go funny etc.

JacketPoTayTo · 31/05/2016 10:50

He's "failing"?

I can only imagine the responses that a man would get if he came on here and said that his partner was 'failing' to please him in bed. OP, I realise that's not what you've said, it's in response to a couple of PPs.

Sex should be mutually enjoyable. It's not one partner's 'job' to please the other or vice versa. Some people are just not compatible sexually. Maybe that's the case here. But you can't know that yet because you've not given your DP a chance to have an honest sexual relationship with you. He thinks you like things that you don't. He's not a mind reader.

As for him being too sensitive and "feeble" to handle the conversation, well we can't know that yet can we? Because OP has not given him the chance. She's assumed that he would react a certain way and decided to lie rather than find out (not having a pop OP, I can understand why this seemed like a legit option at the time). But fine, let's hang him out to dry already because he's obviously just a rubbish man who doesn't care about his partner's needs...

Timeforabiscuit · 31/05/2016 10:59

Firstly stop faking, but do be vocal about what you really like.

If he doesn't like toys have you tried oral? It took DH a while to click what worked with technique so don't be discouraged if it's a bit meh to begin with.

Is there anything that helps you relax and enjoy sex more (and more likely to orgasim)? Light foreplay throughout the day works very nicely for the evening.

HandyWoman · 31/05/2016 11:09

I think having chemistry without the ability to communicate openly and honestly is a bit 'meh'. I had a relationship like this in the past. The sex was always frustrating despite the 'chemistry'.

I decided in the end that he wasn't for me. If this relationship is a goer then you'll be able to get past this, but if not then it could spell the end. Might as well find out which one it is.

Minime85 · 31/05/2016 11:11

Show him yourself? Guide his hands in the right places or masturbate in front of him. What about a little bullet from somewhere like love honey?

I've never been one to hugely talk about sex but have realised now how important it is to say what does or doesn't work for me. Can't you say during sex to slow down or speed up etc?

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2016 11:18

I think this is a tough one, as you sound incompatible. I'd tell him you need a conversation. Sex should be mutually fantastic but, it sounds like he's the only one getting his rocks off, which isn't fair. If he's so vanilla, that he's unprepared to talk about it, introduce toys or anything else to help with your pleasure then I'd see that as a sign that he doesn't care

VestalVirgin · 31/05/2016 11:35

Ok to be fair to him he doesn't know he's failing but why did op lie in the first place? Because he's sensitive and his feelings would be hurt. Why are some men so feeble that they can't acknowledge that women's sexuality is different to men's and perhaps a bit more complicated?

I wonder about the same thing. Especially if it's just piv. Like, I can understand not wanting to hurt a man's feelings after he tried every trick in the book, but if it's just missionary position piv, then really, I don't think his feelings should be all that hurt if it's just not enough.

How old is he?

I was in my late twenties before I stopped being embarassed by all things sexual, and am not sure I could buy a sex toy even now. (Use it, perhaps, but actually go somewhere and tell someone I want to have it? Even just online? )

So I have some sympathy for that ... however, as you could be the one buying toys, that shouldn't be the problem.

Not that I think you need toys - if you have just done piv, it is no wonder that didn't get you off, many women don't orgasm from that, regardless of how long their partner is able to keep it up.
There's lots of things you could do without toys to solve that problem.

I think the best thing here is to have an open conversation.

If he's so vanilla, that he's unprepared to talk about it, introduce toys or anything else to help with your pleasure then I'd see that as a sign that he doesn't care

That's not vanilla, that's bad in bed.
(Yes, I am working at reclaiming vanilla as description for sex that's enjoyable and pleasant for everyone. Like vanilla ice cream. Not caring about your partner's pleasure is nothing like vanilla ice cream.)

Hotwaterbottle1 · 31/05/2016 11:49

Honestly after 20 years with someone like this it will eventually destroy your relationship. You cant continue, it wont get better by itself. I've realised too that people find it very hard to change. If he hates toys etc he may try for a while to please you but revert back. Just be open & honest with him. If your love is rock solid then you can get past this.

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