sex....can't believe im asking!

[Writingdragonfly]

Right, ok so im in a relationship with a lovely guy, he's my best friend, things are fab...except the sex.
I am SO attracted to him, he is hot stuff! lol all the chemistry is there, but when we first got together he had a tendency to hit the finish line while i was still getting my running gear on...he is a sensitive guy and him being worried that it wasnt good for me made it worse each time so i faked it. For about a year.
He isnt great with constructive criticism and whilst im happy to talk about sex, he turns into a blushing teenager if i talk about it, too sensitive, so i now find it hard to tell him what i want in bed because he thinks the things he did before will hit the buttons...but he doesnt know that it never did. Ugh. Now i think im too all up in my head during sex because of it to actually get to the good part at all! Any suggestions on sorting this out without giving his self esteem a thumping!?

Why do we do this to ourselves. What kind of relationship do you want OP?

Are you really sure that faking it was only for his benefit? As, it appears that you aren't keen on confrontation articulating your needs.

If honesty and being able to talk about stuff that is important to you, is important, then you must model that behaviour and expect your partner to do the same.

If you really love this guy, then respect him enough to be honest and if he can't respect you enough to listen, then you need to ask yourself if this is the type of dynamic you want to perpetuate.

Right, so it started because he comes too quickly for you, and him worrying about that made it worse. Did he ever get you off in other ways though?

You felt you couldn't discuss it because he doesn't take constructive critisism well and can't talk about sex. He's not open to using toys either (so you don't get your rocks off but he does?). This was when you started faking it, but it's not helped. Is this right?

Seriously, it sounds like you're not sexually compatible and that's a massive issue in a relationship. I don't know how you've lasted so long with him TBH because life's too short to compromise and stay with a man who you don't have good sex with.

Purchase a copy of "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" and present it to him with an honest, non-judgmental explanation that you would like to improve your sexlife, would he read this book? Ask does he have any ideas on how things could be better in bed for him too?

Is it something that will improve in time, once you're more comfortable & been together a bit longer?
Easier to discuss tricky subjects?

You say he doesn't like toys,
Maybe it's fear of the Unknown?

I find if I fancy trying something new or different planting seeds works every time, arouse the old curiosity!!!!

For example....

I got jiggle balls,
First reaction was ugh...
Put them in the drawer.
Few days later...
Where are those balls then?

The fisting post on here,
I was like check this out ..
Wee while later, boom.

Don't be pushy,
Just be off hand oh this would be fun,
I want to try this..
In a no pressure yes darling it was your idea all along manner.

Works for me !

Wow loads of replies thanks guys!
Right to summarise my response to the replies:
We aren't totally vanilla, I love dressing up for him which gets things going, he's good with being unselfish with foreplay I mean he would go for hours down there but it's not what will finish me, I don't think I know what I need to be honest! It's not all toys he's anti, anything fake penis like weirds him out lol tried cock ring he didn't like the buzzing haha
He isn't selfish in bed he's just not clued in on where to find the clitoris lol I'm out of ideas though I'm not exactly experienced myself! The reason I've been faking was because at first I realised that nerves were making him finish prematurely and when I took the pressure off him he lasted longer and that was great but I think it'll take me hours to get there! :/ so I just got bored and pretended it had worked for me so he wouldn't feel awful later. I'm totally insecure anyway, was in an abusive marriage before, now divorced and he's someone I'm just crazy about, and totally see that I need to sort this out!
Thanks ladies who suggested saying my taste or what worked on my body had changed, hadn't thought to do that that's way better than outright, "oh honey I'm sorry I've been faking!" Lol
And lol and delicate male ego, no one is denying that one but if his ego isn't buttered he gets so nervous he lasts a minute or two so buttering the need was easier!!!

I'm not sure that you clarified or not, but make sure that you've figure out what works for you personally, so it's not the blind leading the blind. Then you just need to show him, and relax!

I don't think I know what I need to be honest

It's not clear, are you able to make yourself orgasm then?

How about you masturbate in front of him to give him a clue where to start.

Just because he finishes quickly that doesn't mean it needs to be over for you too, how about once he's done then it's your turn?

Sex doesn't end at the point of the male orgasm!

yeah see thats a big issue of all of our issues, during sex he isnt selfish, but if i finish (it has happened sometimes) then i dont stop and say "right, lovely thanks hun!" but if he finishes and im not close he wont continue trying to get me there, its over. ive tried tackling this with him but its like his brain switches the "we're done" switch and he is mentally out of there lol.
He's also one who struggles to get it up again until at least a day or 2 later which is irritating because he wont even be up for going again later that day shrug
I know what i like when i sort my own needs out, but he just cant seem to do it right!

That's an interesting update OP. He may need medical help, if he cannot maintain his erection for rounds 2 & 3. Do you mind if I ask his age?

Ah ok.

So he's a shit shag (which you can work with) but he's also a selfish twat (which you can't) because on the occasions you haven't faked it he's shown how much he really cares about your pleasure - i.e. He doesn't.

Dump him.

Chicrock he isn't a shit shag I just take flippin ages to get to orgasm and he doesn't last a great deal of time with penetration, which is what I like best.
Thenaze he is 35, is this not a normal recharge time?

Hi OP, can only speak from experience but, a day or two to get going again, for a 35 year old doesn't seem right. Not a doctor or anything, far from it, so just a view

A day or 2? That seems quite a long time to me but every man is different I guess.

You need to talk about this. I didn't talk about sex at all until with DP now. I was too embarrassed with exh. It's not facing it completely but could it start with a text conversation maybe a bit suggestive and lead to it from there?

so if he finished and you're not close his brain switches the 'we're done' switch

That's quite an ahem, unenlightened male view of sex. If I may so. There are lots of issues here I think. Lots to tackle.

Ah, ok ladies maybe I'll gently go for why he takes so long to recharge! I plan to be more assertive on what I want, I don't want to end up resentful so will sort of start encouraging and hinting at it more. If he isn't happy to work on it then will probably hit some rocks I guess! It's helpful having other opinions on it, thanks everyone!

"Thenaze he is 35, is this not a normal recharge time?"

I don't know about 'normal' (perhaps some other men will chime-in) but I can be ready to go again in about 10-20 mins and I'm in my 40s, so long as there's still 'action' going on so to speak. But then as someone else said, everyone is different and I wouldn't worry it's indicative of any problem.

That's why I made the suggestion about helping him off first and then he will almost certainly last longer for you, but it seems clear this isn't going to work for him.

Ok so you take ages to orgasm. What exactly works for you? Do you "fly solo" as it were? Because if he were that hot then surely it should take long

I would just guide his hand to the right place and make noises. Also slow him down a bit.
And say to him "I like this" during foreplay and get more of it.

Also a day or two seems a long time!

Is he using a lot of porn?!

36yo old man, I can recharge in 20mins with the right stimulation.
We often don't go for round two though as it may mean were up till 4am and the gf gets a bit tired, bored and dry.

A day or 2 is something else though, I'd say even recharging ready for morning would be a long time. I think he needs some GP advice.

Does he watch porn and !masturbate? There's nothing wrong with it if he does, I'd be curious what he watches is all.

Totally honestly, when I read it takes a day or two to recharge, my first thought was he's gay, I know that's a massive overreaction, but it kinda makes sense the more my mind chews on it. I obviously don't know him though so couldn't possibly say.

He doesn't masturbate and hates porn and I know that sounds like a line but I've sort of hinted at using it in the bedroom and he was all nope! Again, he blushes if there's sex scenes on tv! If we watch game of thrones he makes about 4 cups of tea because he leaves if it gets raunchy haha
Pretty sure he isn't gay, I took it personally that I couldn't get him going within the same day at first but he assures me he has always had a low libido

He certainly not sounds like no other 35 year old man I've ever known. I think he must be incredibly repressed and needs to learn some self exploration.

I have no idea what else to suggest tbh. I'd seriously consider moving on OP because I don't think he'll ever light your fires and you'll grow to resent him and feel as though you've wasted your life etc.

That or, thinking outside the box, suggest an open relationship. He gets you as a partner etc with the pressure of a sexual relationship, you can then find a sexual release elsewhere. Not something I could live with but a lot of people do.

Not my thing to be honest I'm a serial monogamist, tried a 3 some once and it destroyed my already fragile trust, just kept imagining my then fella with other women!