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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBXP and I living under same roof - emotional abuse

75 replies

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 11:47

Partner and I decided to split up (he has been verbally abusive many times and physically abusive once a few weeks ago). We are living under the same roof at the moment as house jointly owned - DC are both under 2.

Yesterday we agreed we wanted split amicably. I told him I wasn't happy. He denied everything he'd done to cause this (the abuse) and basically blames me for the split.

Today he informed me we should see a solicitor tomorrow before we start telling people. I said I had a solicitor and then he went quiet. I said calmly I know it's hard but I think we are doing the right thing. He said that it was all about what I want. Then he started ranting.

"Everyone out there knows what I'm like, you may as well go back to your home town as no-one will believe you if we split up. You will have no friends"

"You have a solicitor lined up ready, you know what you are doing"

"You're taking my kids and screwing me over"

"All my family and friends have given me their full support, they know exactly what you are like"

"I haven't called you any names" (Denies calling me an evil B on multiple occasions).

He also accused me of saying I want more money from him yesterday - I said nothing of the sort.

He then stormed out of the house. He's gone now sigh of relief but God knowd how long for Envy

Can I reasonably stay in the house with him like this?

We haven't even come to sell the house yet but I'm worried if I leave he will stay put and make things difficult for me re: the sale. It is a large house and my share will basically enable me to buy a little house for me and DC. (I'm a SAHM and have no income at the moment).

He can easily stay with family nearby. I have no relatives here. I am just trying to avoid moving twice with two young children really - into a temporary rented home and then into my own when house sale goes through. Would be so much easier to stay here then move with the DCs when this place sells.

Please tell me what you would do in my situation. I am exhausted from thinking.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 23:11

Regarding safety, that's what the police and the law (eg occupation and non-molestation orders) are for. But yes, if the OP is able to leave it would be wise for her to do so.

AgentPineapple · 31/05/2016 22:56

OP how are you?

Lulu3108 · 01/06/2016 01:01

Counselling does work and so does domestic violence courses but ONLY if the DV perpetrator WANTS to change they CAN change.

My OH was a nasty piece of work and I called the police on him. He was arrested, charged and put on a domestic violence course for 9 months and probation for 12. I left him for several months. And after all of this when we went back together he has not hit me since and is a different person, several years back now..

DV traits are often caused by a personality disorder of some kind stemming for childhood, it's a learnt behaviour. I recommend reading the freedom project by pat craven.

You are at your most vulnerable and highest risk of severe harm, this won't end amicably I would move out. It will be ugly, and there is a good change social services would be involved if contact is required that he is a risk to his kids.

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 07:10

Hi, I'm fine thank you - we are still living together and he thinks we have "patched things up" so to speak. Things are very strained between us. Not sure we can work this out as I now no longer love him after the way he has treated me and I don't want him touching me.

Somehow I need to tell him it is over... We agreed to split a few days ago after I told him I wasn't happy and then a day later he wanted a reconciliation saying "we have too much to lose". He said we would talk through our issues and then when I raised things he denied them or brushed them under the carpet as he'd already "said sorry for them". I said he had said sorry countless times before.

He denied having OCD, which on top of everything else including the verbal / emotional (and once physical) abuse and being miles away from my family and being a SAHM to two under two with no support, has pretty much brought me to breaking point.

My solicitor said as the property is jointly owned (the money I put in is a gift from my amazing parents - who he detests), and I have no income right now, plus two children to look after, HE should move out. After all he has parents and siblings literally round the corner from us who have loads of spare rooms between them. And then I wouldn't have to move the DDs once to a temporary rental property, and then again when I have access to my share of this house.

I know he won't move out. It is HIS house. He loves this (admittedly lovely) house, and seems to be more reluctant to give this up than me and the DDs!

So I could leave with DDs, which I think about constantly. But then I worry he will smash things up in a rage (he has hinted he would do this as he didn't want someone else to enjoy the fruits of his labour), which will not be great when we come to sell. I also think if he's here on his own he won't be in a rush to sell. The mortgage at the moment is tiny (he can't afford to buy me out though as I own nearly half the house) and he pays it easily out of his fairly large salary - he will delay the sale to make things awkward for me, and I will end up probably spending thousands in sols fees to get him out! My DF said he will pay legal fees but he and DM are nearing retirement age now and I feel so guilty.

So as you can see, it is a bit tricky!! Sorry for mammoth post.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 07:21

Lulu - thank you for your post. It is interesting to see that you have worked things out with your abusive OH. I also have known some very volatile relationships where they have managed to make things work.

The problem is I come from a family where my dad was very much the "man" (and my OH thinks they are prehistoric) and my mum stayed home, did everything for him.... He was very strict with me and my brother and he would smack us. BUT he never criticised my mum, or called her names, nor did he ever hit her. Ever. Their arguments were basically her nagging him a bit and he would go sulking into the living room to get away from it. And yes he did have a hot temper. But he never used that temper on my mum because he did - and does - love her and respect everything she has done for our family. And my brother is aspergers as well, so you can imagine the additional strain that has been on their marriage.

Because of this I am struggling to make things work with my OH. There are issues there that ultimately I don't think I can live with. The main thing is his rejection of my family is so severe that even when I see them alone, he makes me feel guilty for spending time with them, gives them the cold shoulder. It is incredibly painful.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/06/2016 07:31

Don't leave. He will be awkward no matter what you do. You might as well be living in your house with him living elsewhere.

He will have to move out if you get an occupation order. The law is the law. It doesn't matter how much he wants to stay in the house. If you get the order then he will not stay.

What did the solicitor say about an occupation order?

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 08:30

Let your dad pay your legal fees, love.

If I had a daughter in an abusive relationship, I'd pay her legal fees three times over.

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 09:34

I know he will be awkward... Found out today he has moved or hidden all his paperwork / joint bills (went to check how much outstanding on the mortgage we have in joint names and he has taken the lot). He's taken his work contract and pension stuff that used to reside there... So much for patching things up

Shockat his devious behaviour although not sure why I'm surprised.

I won't leave house until it is sold... He will try and sit on my funds as long as possible if I do...If he starts getting aggressive with me he will have the police here again.

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 01/06/2016 10:59

In regards to the mortgage, as you are joint owners then you can request information directly from the bank. Also, as you have split I would also make an appointment with the CAB and discuss benefits/tax credits etc.

Has he hidden your DC passports...birth certificates as well?

IMO, as he has been violent and you have had police involvement then I would be asking for an occupational order to get him out of the house. I just wouldn't chance it.

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 11:17

Hi, no he hasn't hidden passports and birth certs... I was thinking of hiding these myself? In case he does take them.

I am seriously considering an Occupational Order now - not sure where that leaves me re: the mortgage, would he pay it? Bills etc? It would literally be until we can sell this place.

The only thing stopping me from an Occupational Order is that it then kills off any notion we had of perhaps splitting amicably Confused

OP posts:
whambamthankyoumaam · 01/06/2016 11:52

Yes take the birth certs and passports!!!

Be really careful about staying just for the sake of the property and financials though, this could really be affecting your children and it could just be safer for them to be somewhere else.

I would consider the occupational order, especially as it's clearly not going to be amicable if he's saying to you it will be and then is hiding paperwork.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 13:14

"The only thing stopping me from an Occupational Order is that it then kills off any notion we had of perhaps splitting amicably"

No, what kills off the possibility of an amicable split is the fact that he is abusive. He will bully you, no two ways about it, and you might want to placate him for an easy life, but that will mean allowing yourself to be at risk (with him still in the house) and allowing him to fuck you over as far as finances and child arrangements go. It will be a fight one way or another so you might as well arm yourself with a solicitor and an occupation order.

CharlotteCollins · 01/06/2016 13:17

Another indication it won't be amicable is that he's not listening when you say it's over. On that respect, I wouldn't worry. You say you need to get it through to him, but actions speak louder than words!

Talk to your sol about the occupation order.

RandomMess · 01/06/2016 13:37

It's not going to be amicable, why else has he hidden all the documentation?

I think the patching things up is a decoy for him to protect himself financially.

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 14:13

He is def trying to protect himself financially but why? I'm not entitled to anything really other than my share of house, as we are not married. Unless he is trying go get out of paying maintenance..

The only thing I can think of is he may have an inkling I will get an Occupation Order... But then he has left his passport there. Weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 14:15

If I go down the Occupational Order route, what happens with access to the kids? What if his parents / family come and hound me at the property for daring to get their DS removed from his house?

OP posts:
PhoenixReisling · 01/06/2016 17:03

Pirate whatever you decide to do hoping that you will get this occupational order there is no easy option. By your own admission he will try to make it difficult/coerce and manipulate you.

Yes, his relatives might very well be angry. However, he has been physically abusive and you have every right to keep yourself and your DC safe. If they do hound you then, ask that they leave, report any abusuive messages etc straight away. In regards to access, as your DC are very young maybe suggest an afternoon/half a day at the weekend. I would ask that he collects/drops off at your parents house.

IMO, I would hide the passports, call WA etc for advice and contact the child maintenance service to start the ball rolling in regards to child maintenance.

CoolforKittyCats · 01/06/2016 17:11

I am seriously considering an Occupational Order now - not sure where that leaves me re: the mortgage, would he pay it? Bills etc? It would literally be until we can sell

Whether he would continue to pay would depend on many things.

Quote often you would be expected to at least seriously contribute to the bills as he would have expenses in relation to living elsewhere.

You need legal advice.

CoolforKittyCats · 01/06/2016 17:12

Quite often

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 17:19

YY to legal advice on all the questions you asked, OP

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 17:24

Coolforkittycats - I am a SAHM with no income and little savings Confused; he has a v well paid job. My parents would help with bills etc if need be.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 01/06/2016 17:26

You need to look and see what benefits you are entitled to and do get legal advise.

As you aren't married it does make things more complicated.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 17:34

Actually not being married makes it less complicated in some ways; they don't need a divorce, they just need to settle the house ownership and mortgage. (And child maintenance, but that should be more straightforward as it can be done through CMO/CMS without a solicitor.)

OP, as soon as he moves out, you will be able to claim income support, child tax credits and council tax reduction. (I assume you're already getting child benefit?) You can check what you'll get (including amounts) by using the online calculator at entitledto.co.uk or by calling/visiting Citizens Advice. You can also work out how much child maintenance your STBXP would have to give you at cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Original poster
PiratesHat · 01/06/2016 18:21

Thanks Coolforkitty and Anotheremma Smile
I've been reading other posts where it says that Occupation Order is only given in extreme circumstances.
I think the hardest thing is that he comes home from work and I look at him and feel sad for what we could have had... And guilty for what I'm planning.
I know that is stupid given the way he has treated me, and he deserves everything he gets... But what can I say, I haven't got a heart as hard as his Sad
Don't get me wrong though, I still want out.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 18:23

Did you ask a solicitor what they thought about getting an occupation order?

I've not been in this situation but I can imagine that it feels sad even though you know you're doing the right thing. That's understandable. Take care of yourself Flowers