Newbie advice needed......1 year on from husbands affair 😔

[Fleek123]

Hello everyone, I'm new and would love some sound advice if you have a second.

Little bit of a back story first...... My husband started a new job little over a year ago and became very successful in his role. He started having an affair with a young work colleague which lasted for about 5 weeks before I found out. It devastated us, devastated him (he hated himself, thought he was weak, cried all the time - he has always been a fabulous husband and father) the affair ended the day I found out and he has fought long and hard over the year to build something new, and I have to admit our relationship in better that it ever was, he's more attentive, generous, I've even said that the affair was the best thing that could have happened to us.......

Back to reality now......as ive said he's become very successful in his new role and has a lovely assistant who works for him (you see where I am going with this) last week the company he works for all went out for drinks after work, and another work colleague (was pissed) said to
my husband to be careful as his assistant has eyes for him. He asked his assistant to leave to go for a drink on their own immediately and asked her straight out if she had feelings for him? She denied it, and he told her that nothing could ever happen between them and then told her he'd had an affair last year!!!!! I am Bloody fuming that he would do this.

Am I right to feel like this or should I just be grateful that he has has the courage to be open and honest about it?

AF

I'm well aware of sex discrimination laws, but I'm also aware of what goes on in the workplace in reality.

How do you think she could make his life difficult?

She could make a complaint about it to HR.

HR would conduct an investigation into the allegation and interview him. If he denied it, that would be the end. It becomes a he said, she said case.

If he admitted it, the question would be why did he say it. He'd mention what his colleague said and the colleague would be interviewed. Let's go with the colleague admitting he did say that the assistant fancied him. There's his mitigation for talking to her. At most this would be a first written warning on file for 6 or 12 months.

Let's take it one further and the colleague comes up with some believable reason why he actually said the assistant fancied him ...... in this case he probably wouldn't even get a warning.

The disciplinary panel would just think he panicked and acted out of fear, but that he was trying to prevent a reputation of the last affair. He should have known better obviously and by taking her aside he left himself open to other allegations if the assistant was so inclined. This wasn't sexual harassment, just stupidity and poor judgement.

I have over 20 years HR experience, so I know what I'm taking about.

What exactly do you think the law can do in this situation? He was inappropriate in his conversation, there's no doubt about that. It was very a very foolish and unprofessional thing to do.

Sandy the most recent example I have of something similar is within the last five years, public sector. The (female) assistant made a formal complaint to HR and, because the (very senior - think Head of two departments) had a reputation for extra marital activity in the office (one affair but one too many), unknown to most people at the time, both of them were put on immediate suspension, having been interviewed, while an investigation took place. Neither of them ever came back - in the assistant's case she was on a year's contract which was nearly up, so she didn't have any loss of face. The Head of Depts apparently took the train to work in his suit every day because he had no idea what to tell his wife, and was seen skulking around the town.

The situation you describe might have happened 20 years ago but I would be very surprised if it was the case now. If anything, a senior lech who is one year into the job is more of a liability than an asset.

Sandy is right I'm afraid. Things are very different in the workplace.

Does this bloke need all that ? For the sake of an ego boost. Even if he didn't lose his job (which I agree is unlikely), it would have to be investigated with all the stress and negativity that entails and the record of it would be on his P file.

Bearing in mind he has form for workplace relationships, is this a man that has his professionalism completely locked down ? No matter what the outcome of any process, mud sticks.

I wouldn't want to be married to a man just one more dalliance away from losing that promotion, having his colleagues look at me pityingly at the Xmas dance, being the object of gossip etc

And that is the issue here.

Anchor has it spot on OP. Keep re reading her post.

I'm ignoring all the misogynistic shite.

Oh cringe. Imagine being that poor assistant. She must have been mortified.

Bloody right AF

What a slime ball of a Manager.

Galahad no woman is safe to get on with her career in that company. Pitiful.

Fleek, I know what you mean - it's hard to get your head around someone having another affair after the devastation of the first...however, I'm in the same position. Years ago, my then DP had an affair - many tears and discussions and promises later, I decided to forgive him and give him another chance. He promised never to disappoint me again. We continued, strong, got married etc and this year, he's done it again. Now he is crying and depressed and hates himself, but it's the end for me...I think, maybe he's not faking it, but there's something wrong there - something that is harmful to me and that I cannot live with. I've given him my best, but he's not up to it - being faithful. Maybe he needs the attention, excitement, ego-boost, drama - whatever. It's hard to reconcile the fact that a man can be so devastated and then do the same thing again - but some men can...it's a possibility, a real one, that he may cheat on you again, so don't be taken in, trust your instincts, your judgement, yourself.

Or even Gaaaaaad 😄

Op you dh has huge crappy boundary issues, I doubt this can be changed from bitter experience. I would be fuming if my dh had asked a colleague if they fancied him, really how old is he 16.

It happened at my workplace - he (senior, married) had an affair which was conducted at work with her (single, assistant). She left. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and whispers about how unhinged she was. And the wife (who also works there) must have been an old harriden at home for him to do it...

I do despair. I really do.

OP - your DH has got away with it once. Why wouldn't he do it again? where are the conserquences for him?

Another possibility....

He is really trying to make amends and was completely overcompensating and as he says trying to "nip it in the bud"...
His behaviour is weird and unprofessional I completely agree but there is a small chance he has become obsessed with "doing the right thing" that he decided to warn this woman off.
Men do really weird things when they're trying to make amends for something they've done wrong...

Why doesn't the DH just get on with his job, be completely professional and detached at work then go home and get on with his home life. Not difficult, it's what millions of people do every day. No need to have to pre-empt anything, the situation just doesn't even need to exist in the first place.

How hard is that?

Only weirdy creep men have to get embroiled in all the complicated bollx.

Lobster ,

The details of the case you mention were probably different, but I've worked in HR for years and what I said would be the case in many places of employment.

I've seen people do much worse and they leave the company with a large payout once they've signed what is called a settlement agreement and a suitable agreed reference for future employment.

This method is also used to get rid of difficult employees and they sign that no legal claims of any nature can be made once they sign. Most people don't want to take on a large organisation even when they have a genuine claim.

It's expensive and very stressful. Plus it takes a long time and you need solid evidence.

These are strictly private and no one else gets to know about them, apart from HR and the Legal team. Part of the conditions of it are that an employee doesn't say a word about it to anyone, except his or her legal advisor.

I'll bet the man you spoke of left with a tidy sum of money.