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Original poster

Newbie advice needed......1 year on from husbands affair 😔

64 replies

Fleek123 · 30/05/2016 11:41

Hello everyone, I'm new and would love some sound advice if you have a second.

Little bit of a back story first...... My husband started a new job little over a year ago and became very successful in his role. He started having an affair with a young work colleague which lasted for about 5 weeks before I found out. It devastated us, devastated him (he hated himself, thought he was weak, cried all the time - he has always been a fabulous husband and father) the affair ended the day I found out and he has fought long and hard over the year to build something new, and I have to admit our relationship in better that it ever was, he's more attentive, generous, I've even said that the affair was the best thing that could have happened to us.......

Back to reality now......as ive said he's become very successful in his new role and has a lovely assistant who works for him (you see where I am going with this) last week the company he works for all went out for drinks after work, and another work colleague (was pissed) said to
my husband to be careful as his assistant has eyes for him. He asked his assistant to leave to go for a drink on their own immediately and asked her straight out if she had feelings for him? She denied it, and he told her that nothing could ever happen between them and then told her he'd had an affair last year!!!!! I am Bloody fuming that he would do this.

Am I right to feel like this or should I just be grateful that he has has the courage to be open and honest about it?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 14:42

I think it's very good that he told you about it, but like yourself I'd have preferred he didn't.

I think by telling her what he did, he is owning it and taking full responsibility. It takes some courage to have told her, as many people have a low opinion of cheaters.

At least now he's nipped anything that she might have wanted to happen in the bud.

You've been doing great in the last year so just let it be. I think I'd be feeling ashamed /embarrassed that he told her, but like I said it takes guts to admit it.

Perhaps tell him what you'd prefer he did if the situation arises again with someone else.

bringbacksideburns · 30/05/2016 14:46

He didn't have to say a single word to her! What for?
He is not answerable to her.
He sounds immature and quite unprofessional.

MangoMoon · 30/05/2016 14:48

Yvaine said this earlier:

^He chanced his arm and she turned him down.

Then he felt guilty and gave you a half-baked version of events that cast him as some kind of hero.

Sorry, OP, but I think he's a player and you're right not to trust him.^

I agree with her completely.
He's only told you this because he's shitting himself that it's going to get back to you that he tried it on with his assistant.

MaMaof04 · 30/05/2016 14:48

Fleek123
You had 15 years of marriage together. You know him better than any of us. About boundary issues: I agree with you; he might even has a bit of a teenager in himself, the kind that projects himself as a knight. IMHO that is all he has to work on: boundaries in how he behaves toward the other women. It is not easy. He must understand that there is ONLY one woman he can and must make happy and it is you; the only love-related situations he must go close to are the ones where you are involved, and that this is the special 'chivalry' involved in marriage/union; love can't be distributed around like a sword slaying villains. Good Luck!

concertplayer · 30/05/2016 15:12

You say he is v successful in his (new)job. What do you mean?
You can be v good/respected for how you do your job but it does
not mean you are good with colleagues.
We had a guy who was a genius at the actual work but his private life
was shit. He had relationships with at least 2 clients and 3 colleagues
Everyone knew what he was like but as he broke no law and no one
complained nothing happened.
I am not sure about his warning to the assistant. She knows he is a
married man, I mean.
Workplaces especially offices are the hive of gossip .

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 15:16

He's never given you any reason not to trust him in 15 years ?

What ?

BloodontheTracks · 30/05/2016 15:35

OP, could you explain clearly the circumstances of the conversation in which you learned about this event? You are reporting it as fact when clearly it is something you were told about my someone, obviously presumably him. What is the context and detail of you being told this information? And how long has the assistant been working for him? How long after the supposed night out did he tell you this and in what context? Who is this colleague who apparently 'mentioned' something?

It is you who sound quite naive, Fleek, though it's possible he is too.

LucySnow12 · 30/05/2016 15:41

His actions with his assistant were totally unprofessional. I find them very suspect. Sorry.

fastdaytears · 30/05/2016 15:49

Wow. I thought I was feeling a bit ugh about going back to work tomorrow but that poor assistant must be dreading it.

If indeed if happened as he said. It would be really, really bizarre. Much more likely to be a cover story if you ask me.

Chatarunga · 30/05/2016 15:53

Goodness, the assistant will think he is arrogant and unhinged.

Chatarunga · 30/05/2016 15:54

Can you imagine!? a married man suddenly telling you that he couldn't have an affair with you because he had an affair last year.

I wonder if she will put that on record with HR

tribpot · 30/05/2016 15:57

It's not hard to be smart about boundaries with female colleagues, even when you're used to working with male ones. He need only think "would I shag a male colleague?" and he has his answer.

His behaviour at the night out was appalling. I feel extremely sorry for this assistant and how she must be feeling.

Cabrinha · 30/05/2016 16:20

I hope she has reported him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 16:37

OP... a man or woman who is devastated at having had an affair would not act as your husband has. They would be with work colleagues in a group only and would certainly not invite one to one's ever again.

It's too soon for you to say that things are better than ever, much too soon. You desperately do not want to split up your family over a long marriage and he's aware of his. Where is HIS desperation not to do this? It's nowhere.

He had no reason and no business inviting this colleague for a drink. He could have just told drunken-blabbermouth-colleague that he loves his wife and family and that's all there is to it, end of story. No need to go anywhere with anybody else and ask/explain anything.

I think the time has come, Fleek, if you want to save your marriage, to give your husband the shock of his life and ask him to leave whilst you think about whether YOU want to continue it. That doesn't mean that he doesn't get to see the children or take them out in the meantime - it means he doesn't get to see YOU and cry on your shoulders about how pathetic he has been and is continuing to be.

I don't know if you will be in a mindset to do that, Fleek, possibly you're in a tailspin after reading these thread responses but your husband is still 'on the prowl' and I don't think that you're being told the truth AT ALL.

Whilst he's home, do nothing for him, no cooking, no washing, ask him to go - and take stock of your own feelings about your marriage to a man who is still actively available to other women - even after his monumental deceit and devastate to you previously... he's doing it again.

He needs to fast learn that you will NOT put up with this and that you deserve better, much better.

I really like Anchor's advice on this thread, it's always measured and insightful.

I'm so sorry for you, Fleek, you do not deserve this crap.

YouSay · 30/05/2016 19:45

I cannot believe he asked her to leave the work party immediately to ask her if she fancied him. So they left together in front of all the other work colleagues to go somewhere else. Who does that? If it is true it is totally bizarre and completely unprofessional.

ThatStewie · 30/05/2016 20:01

He's given one huge reason not to trust him: he's had an affair. That only ended because you found out.

Even if part of what he has told you is true, he has behaved appallingly: if she reports him to hr he could be in serious trouble for sexual harassment. He Has put your family in jeopardy. Again.

Posting on here means that you do think, somewhere inside you, that something is wrong with what he is telling you. His behaviour was, at best, deeply unprofessional. He's put a younger colleague in a deeply unpleasant situation. He's done so in front of a number of her colleagues. Do you really trust a man who could treat a subordinate with such disdain?

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 21:02

*I am Bloody fuming that he would do this.

Am I right to feel like this or should I just be grateful that he has has the courage to be open and honest about it*

To answer your question... yes you're right to be bloody fuming. I think he's still scared that if a woman threw themself at him, he wouldn't be able to stop himself - hence he felt the need to talk to his assistant.

If he knew he could control himself, then he would simply knock her back if she made a pass at him. Other things people do in that situation, is talk about their wife in a way that would make any woman interested back off. He could have done a lot of other things instead of what he actually did.

Now the assistant knows his personal business. Hopefully she'll look for another job, because the atmosphere must be pretty uncomfortable now.

As mentioned earlier it's good that he came and told you what happened, but men can be so dense at times.

It's fine for him to be honest if he was asked straight out if he had an affair - but he didn't behave in a professional manner. If she as an employee says his to HR, they would have to speak to your husband about it and it's not like he had any concrete evidence that she fancied him.

Cabrinha · 30/05/2016 21:32

Hopefully she'll look for another job?!!!!

So:

A creep arsehole cheating husband gets to have a crack at another woman anyway and

A totally innocent woman gets harassed and feels forced out of her job?!!!! Shock

I hope that isn't what happens.

I hope that if she was a willing participant the husband trips up and the OP gets the truth. I hope if she wasn't a willing participant that she is brave enough to complain about her totally inappropriate boss!!

Cabrinha · 30/05/2016 21:34

SandyY2K I cannot believe you've just posted such shite that you hope a woman feels forced from her job because of a leching boss Hmm

nauticant · 30/05/2016 22:42

Hopefully she'll look for another job, because the atmosphere must be pretty uncomfortable now.

In other words, constructive dismissal.

This sounds so dodgy OP in your shoes I'd struggle to know what to make of it except for one thing, your H is not to be trusted.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 23:00

Some right fucking manpleasing, woman hating shite on here these days.

I despair

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 23:03

I'm just saying that I wouldn't want to work with him anymore if I were the assistant (especially if I truly didn't fancy him) and he came and asked me if I did. That's the reason why I'd look for a new job. Then even if I did fancy him, the situation would still be uncomfortable after him asking outright, so either way I'd want to leave the job.

It's just a job and I don't like to feel uncomfortable like that at work. Why would she want to continue working with him after that anyway.

I'm also not disillusioned enough to know who is more of an asset to the company in my role as an 'assistant' to a senior employee.

It's very possible the assistant did fancy him as I've seen countless instances of women in the workplace expressing their attraction to a MM and wanting to take it further. The advice given to them is to find a new job if they can't control it.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 23:04

There is a whole rain of crap that could come down on this bloke's head because of this ego centric, cock worshipping bollock he just dropped

I hope the assistant, if she feels forced out of her job, is in a union and takes him to the fucking cleaners

Op, you are married to a walking, talking sexual harassment charge. Your husband's ego will ruin both of you. I would not stick around to be part of the fall out.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 23:07

Sandy, did you realise there are sex discrimination laws these days. The 1950's are many decades ago.

The assistant could make this bloke's life very difficult. I hope she does.

BooAvenue · 30/05/2016 23:19

A colleague once told me another colleague fancied me (after I first got married). What did I do? Laughed it off and made a mental note to be on the look out for any flirty behaviour from said colleague so it could be swiftly rebutted, because that's what normal people do right?

If someone took me to one side and asked me if I fancied them I would assume it was because they fancied me and wanted to know if I'd be up for an affair.