Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Work Affair

56 replies

Kookerbee · 30/05/2016 08:35

Hi Everyone,
I need some serious advice, and I'm hoping you can help me. I had an affair with a colleague this week while traveling for a conference (I know...cliche). After 8 years with my DH, with zero passion or sexual relationship for the past two, I let myself get carried away because I felt beautiful and attractive and seen by someone. This is no excuse - OM and I have agreed that it ends and that it stays between us. We did not sleep together, btw, but close enough.
I'm already realizing what an idiot I am and how much it would hurt DH to learn that I've betrayed him. I'm already seeing a counselor, and I'm going to work on this with her so that I can take steps to improve my marriage. He's a wonderful husband, I love him, and I realize I have not tried my best to remedy our issues.
The big issue is that OM and I work together, closely. I'm not worried about a repeat incident, but I can't just end contact. Plus, he and I had a strong friendship and working relationship prior to this happening, and both feel committed to maintaining a good professional relationship. We both adore our jobs.
Do you think it's possible for this situation to be okay? I'm looking for honest feedback - even if it's hard for me to hear - but I know I'm 100% in the wrong and I am owning this mistake.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 30/05/2016 09:00

Are you owning this mistake by telling your DH and letting him decide if he thinks you are worth working on your relationship for?

It should be his choice, not yours.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 09:05

It's possible but very difficult.

You've kind of crossed a line with him and the best thing is to avoid being alone with him unless absolutely necessary at work.No text or non work related messages should happen.

As there is an attraction between the two of you that was already there before you went away, you should seriously consider applying for other jobs or the temptation is there to do it again.

You've correctly identified the need to sort out problems in your marriage. 2 years without a sexual relationship unless both of you wanted that or medical issues caused it is a serious problem.

Original poster

Kookerbee · 30/05/2016 09:10

Joysmum, yes, that's my plan but I haven't told him yet. I'm going to talk to my therapist on Thursday first to get my head screwed back on again. He deserves to know, but I need some help and guidance around how/what to tell him.

OP posts:

sofato5miles · 30/05/2016 09:18

I wouldn't tell. One mistake. There will be many people who have done the same.

However, cool it BIG TIME with colleague. Do not discuss it with him again. If you talk about you will increase intimacy which makes the mistake become an affair.

MissBianca · 30/05/2016 09:25

I dont think you should tell your husband if to are serious about never doing this again and working on your relationship.

But you need to get another job asap or it will happen again.

You mention all the reasons you need to keep seeing/talking to your colleagues and clearly like him. Staying in the job is not an option if you want your marriage to stand a chance.

And think clearly and in the cold light of day of all the potential consequences. It will not be pretty or romantic.

MissBianca · 30/05/2016 09:26

*don't

Joysmum · 30/05/2016 09:28

Relationships are based on trust.

If it's failed for you so badly you cheated, he deserves to know.

The only reason not to tell is to protect yourself which is selfish and good relationships are not selfish.

CalleighDoodle · 30/05/2016 09:36

dont tell your husband. Theres absolutely nothing to be gained from that. Why should he have the stress and pressure of deciding the future because of your mistake?

See your counsellor. Make much more effort with your marriage and your husband. Look at him like you did when you first met. Ensure you have dates to new places. Remain professional with the om.

If you then decide theres nothing left in your marriage, end it calmly and kindly. Do not unnecessarily hurt your husband.

PurpleWithRed · 30/05/2016 09:43

You say your marriage has had "zero passion or sexual relationship for the past two years".

My feeling is that if you stay and work on your marriage then it will be very difficult to work closely with someone you do feel passionate and sexy about. But doable, as long as neither one of you cracks.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 10:10

Don't tell him, OP, this wasn't an affair, it was a one night standard which you are bitterly regretting. Always the same posters bleat on that if you don't tell then your marriage is shit (paraphrasing there, but that's the gist). You say that you didn't sleep with him so there are no STI issues.

You do need to speak to your husband about the sexual side of your marriage because, unless that's what you both want - and you obviously don't - it's not going to work. No sex can become a habit very quickly and before you know it, years have passed. You and your husband need to re-evaluate your marriage and what it means to you both - and work on improving the bits that need it so that you feel valued and loved again.

Regarding this man, just treat him like a colleague. Be less friendly than you are with other colleagues and, if you get the opportunity, stress to him that this will not happen again and that you won't be referring to it ever again.

Please though, do not tell your husband. You will not be able to 'un-ring' that bell and he will not be able to listen effectively to your explanation because he would be so hurt. He doesn't need to be - you can put this behind you.

Joysmum · 30/05/2016 10:22

A one night stand (which went on for a week so rather more than 'just' that) is worthy of your partner knowing too. You'd want to know if he'd done the same to you.

You've said you didn't sleep with him but it was 'close enough' so you need to work out if that involved sexual activity that puts you at risk of STDs as many dont require PIV sex to be contracted. Others posters can't categorically state there's no STD risk based on the info you have given so please be careful taking their advice.

DrMorbius · 30/05/2016 10:29

Don't say anything. If you didn't have sex , then it was just a wake up call. Use it to work on your relationship with your DH. The work situation will sort its self out. Just don't put yourself in the same situation again.

BonneMaman77 · 30/05/2016 10:36

OP you need to be honest with yourself. Was this a one night stand. That you don't intend it to continue in any way. You want to make your marriage work....not just staying married but fixing the issues you and your DH think need fixing.

Tell your husband what you have done and what you want to do. He has the right to know and decide if he still wants to be in this marriage and repair it knowing this fact.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/05/2016 10:38

Personally, I wouldn't tell... You would be passing on your guilty feelings which would cause maximum upset to your partner.

I would only say this as long as you're sure that there would be no recurrence.... Learn from it and move on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 10:44

Yes, that's a fair point, OP, consider the extent of the activities you were engaged in and get some expert advice on whether there is an STI risk.

Nobody here has a vested interest in you or your marriage and for some, trying to persuade you to drop a bomb into your relationship is entertainment. You know what happened with this man and you know your relationship best. Take all 'advice' here with a big pinch of salt and do what you think is right.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 30/05/2016 10:47

You need to look for a new job.

I hope your sector is one that is reasonably buoyant.

Original poster

Kookerbee · 30/05/2016 17:28

Thank you for the thoughtful, unbiased responses so far. I really appreciate everyone's honesty and it helps a lot to read your thoughts. I want to do the right thing, but the right thing isn't always black and white.

There is no chance of an STI, thankfully. This happened twice during our trip with alcohol involved. No feelings whatsoever before the trip.

One thing I should mention is that OM and I are both incredibly worried about anyone finding out at work, and we have texted and reassured each other a couple of times that this stays between us. I think LyingWitch has a good point about not referring to this again, and that talking about it together could increase the feeling of intimacy, but it really helps OM and I to check in briefly to make sure we're still on the same page. Maybe this should be limited to once a week for a few weeks until we feel like the risk of anyone finding out has blown over.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 17:31

No, Kookerbee, NO MORE checking in. You don't need to do this. You both obviously have much to lose. Any more contact just increases the likelihood that a) you'll develop feelings and b) somebody WILL find out.

Don't be disingenuous that checking in is a valid or useful thing because it isn't. Delete his number(s)/contact details and tell him work stuff only from this point on. And stick to that. If you're genuinely sorry, you will do that.

Jan45 · 30/05/2016 17:36

I'd tell your husband, you both need to address the lack of intimacy plus it might stop you from doing it again, there's bound to be a time in the future when you could be once again in a compromising situation. I'd tell your OH and see if the two of you can work on making things better.

But, the relationship is now broke, you won't be able to repair what you did but you both might be able to stay together.

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2016 19:13

Don't tell your husband. There is nothing to be gained.

Don't discuss it again with the man. Carry on in the office exactly as you were before - if there is more contact/flirting your colleagues will suspect something. If you barely speak to each other, they will suspect something too.

Do speak to your husband about your lack of intimacy as it has clearly become an issue.

inlectorecumbit · 30/05/2016 19:15

hope you have deleted these texts between you and OM

CharlotteCollins · 30/05/2016 19:20

Do you notice how comfortably you're talking about "OM and I"?

CalleighDoodle · 30/05/2016 20:30

You do not need to check in with the om.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/05/2016 20:36

I assume the posters advising the OP to keep quiet on her indiscretions will be telling any bloke that comes on here looking for advice after an office fumble the same thing?

CalleighDoodle · 30/05/2016 20:48

And maybe the posters advising the op to tell her husband about a drunken fumble are bored housewives who would probably turn a blind eye to their own husbands odd behaviour? Maybe not. But the point is that this is an open forum where people offer advice based on their own experiences and expectations. Nobody has a crystal ball. Nobody knows what the outcome will be of any advice they give in each individual situation. You give advice that you think is the best in the situation. But without knowing the future at this point nobody can say what will actually be the best for this relationship. Op could stay quiet and realise she was a nob and could focus on her marriage and in 50 years look back on what has been a wonderful marriage. Or she could realise she was a nob, confess to her husband, he could forgive her and they could have this hanging over them, resentment, jealousy and suspicion, for the rest of their lives. Or she could tell him and he decides to divorce. Or she could realise actually the relationship is Not fulfilling and divorce him herself. We cant possibly know so to belittle other people's suggestions is pure arrogance.

Flip

1 2 3