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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work Affair

56 replies

Kookerbee · 30/05/2016 08:35

Hi Everyone,
I need some serious advice, and I'm hoping you can help me. I had an affair with a colleague this week while traveling for a conference (I know...cliche). After 8 years with my DH, with zero passion or sexual relationship for the past two, I let myself get carried away because I felt beautiful and attractive and seen by someone. This is no excuse - OM and I have agreed that it ends and that it stays between us. We did not sleep together, btw, but close enough.
I'm already realizing what an idiot I am and how much it would hurt DH to learn that I've betrayed him. I'm already seeing a counselor, and I'm going to work on this with her so that I can take steps to improve my marriage. He's a wonderful husband, I love him, and I realize I have not tried my best to remedy our issues.
The big issue is that OM and I work together, closely. I'm not worried about a repeat incident, but I can't just end contact. Plus, he and I had a strong friendship and working relationship prior to this happening, and both feel committed to maintaining a good professional relationship. We both adore our jobs.
Do you think it's possible for this situation to be okay? I'm looking for honest feedback - even if it's hard for me to hear - but I know I'm 100% in the wrong and I am owning this mistake.

OP posts:
concertplayer · 30/05/2016 21:06

I am hoping that this is just a stupid mistake on your part.
Everyone has done something silly in their lives.
Keep all contact with ukw purely professional then
book a weekend away with DH and just chill out
(get drunk and bonk HIM)

UpsiLondoes · 30/05/2016 21:12

I don't believe you have zero feelings for each other. Because you got drunk again. And did it again. That's not what remorse looks like. Hmm

MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2016 21:19

Pan - yes, absolutely. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and all that. I don't think a drunken fumble (on either side) is any reason to end a marriage, provided that is all it is, and it is not a symptom of greater malaise in the marriage.

NeatSoda · 30/05/2016 23:25

Don't tell.

If you really want to make it up to your husband, then do it by caring about him. Shag him. Have fun with him.

Agree re no intimate secret texts to confirm there's no secret intimacy between you and OM.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/05/2016 23:30

So it happened twice?! That's more than one drunken mistake then?

Don't underestimate the potential for this to become a full blown affair.

Original poster
Kookerbee · 30/05/2016 23:39

Yes, it happened twice, two nights apart. I am under no illusion that this was "just" a drunken mistake, which is why I'm seeking all of your unbiased opinions and advice. I realize the implications for my DH, my marriage, work, and the OM involved. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to move forward, up to and including leaving my job. But if I'm honest, I'd rather keep my job and create some serious separation between the OM and I.

I've been cheated on before, and it was amongst the most painful experiences I've had. Remorse, yes...I feel it. But there are so many other emotions involved too, and that creates a certain cloudiness..

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 30/05/2016 23:48

What other emotions?

Does your dh at least know how unloved you feel? What's the caused of the lack of I intimacy?

Original poster
Kookerbee · 31/05/2016 00:06

I actually feel very loved by DH, and I love him too. We have an intellectually fulfilling, sweet, supportive, and comfortable relationship. I started dating my DH after a decade in a very intense, sexually fulfilling but quite emotionally abusive relationship. I was so grateful to have found such a kind, good man that I overlooked our lack of chemistry. I didn't think it mattered that much, and believed that the other qualities we had together were sufficient and felt very lucky to have him. I didn't realize until this past year, and really the last week, just how much the lack of sexual intimacy bothered me. Apparently it does... I know we can work on it, but every time I've brought it up (gently) he gets very defensive. His ex wife left him because she felt like they were more roommates than anything. I've wondered if he's gay or asexual or even chronically depressed. This is just some more info, but the bottom line is that I haven't pushed the issue much because I didn't think sex was as important as society makes it out to be.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 31/05/2016 00:23

I think you can now see, that sex is important to you though?

In your situation, I'd seriously consider coming clean to dh about what's happened and why, or it is bound to happen again, maybe not with this om, but someone.

It needs addressing.

IrishDad79 · 31/05/2016 00:36

"checking in" with the om once a week to make sure they're on the same page?! Once a week?!

"Hi, it's wednesday today, just checking in to make sure we're not having an affair"

"No, we're not having an affair"

"Cool, check in with you next week"

Fucking hell!

Joysmum · 31/05/2016 00:46

I think the lack of sex drive isn't something you can work on given its been an ongoing issue for years and is the reassure his previous marriage failed.

It's now the reason yours is failing too.

It won't change and it's not enough for you as things stand. So you either accept a sexless marriage, leave him so you can start having sex again, or ask him how he'd feel about you getting your satisfaction from outside the marriage.

This should have happened prior to it being such an issue for you that you have cheated on him. You've been cheated on before and know how this feels yet have done the same. It shouldn't have got to this stage.

Joysmum · 31/05/2016 00:46

*reason

Original poster
Kookerbee · 31/05/2016 02:22

Joysmum, agreed. This conversation should have happened before.
Irishdad, the checking in was more to get reassurance that nobody plans to say anything to anybody, but I do see the ridiculousness.
Yes. Obviously sex is important to me, and obviously I've not been honest with myself about what I want or need. I think it's important to hear what my DH truly wants/needs as well.

OP posts:
BubblingUp · 31/05/2016 03:14

Sounds like an exit fling to me. Separate from your DH, get a divorce. Move on.

Original poster
Kookerbee · 31/05/2016 04:48

BubblingUp, I appreciate hearing your perspective based on what I wrote so far, but the truth is that I do not want to leave my husband. I love him very much. I just want to figure out what the best way is to move forward, what the right thing to do is re: approaching my DH, and how to handle work. I really blew it..

OP posts:
Baconyum · 31/05/2016 05:16

You may love your dh very much.

Didn't stop the marriage failing (due to his issues with sex which already caused his first marriage to fail. I too would be thinking gay/asexual/abuse victim )

Didn't stop you cheating either.

I advise men to tell, I advise you to tell. You messed up it's not up to you if marriage continues. Plus even if you and om tell nobody I suspect someone at work will twig and gossip will start.

Penfold007 · 31/05/2016 06:23

You had a fling with a colleague whilst at a conference, zero chance of keeping that secret in an office.

You need to consider why you are considering telling your H, work out what your motives are.

PirateFairy45 · 31/05/2016 06:27

He deserves to know.

HoldTheDoorHodor · 31/05/2016 06:57

You need to talk to your H. Obviously you know this. DH and I don't have a lot of sex. But when one of us needs it we ask and we do it and when we do it's good. Have you even discussed sex with your DH?

If you have that chat about the physical side of your relationship and he can't/won't work I improve it with you then you get into break up or openly, with his consent, have sex with other people territory.

You can't make big decisions about your relationship without talking to him. Whether you tell him what happened or not will depend on you, him, and how it goes I think. Those m posters who see everything as black and white and have no concept of shades of grey in things like this are not people would be listening to as gospel.

You love your DH, it's clear from your posts, you've ignored an issue and not dealt with it. I wish you luck in talking to your DH.

FWIW if it was me I would explain what happened to my DH as part of the wider chat about our physical relationship and how it's affecting you. To point out that you need this part of a relationship but that you very much want it to be with him. Once it's out there you can try to work through it if he's ok with that, and there aren't secrets. Clean slate time if you both want it.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 08:14

Confession makes us feel better, because it lifts the painful burden of guilt. However, it does so by dumping that pain on our partner. Because we then feel lighter - and perhaps feel good about ourselves for having been honest - it can be very hard to receive that pain back in the form of our partner's reaction.

I would say there is little to be gained - and much to be lost - by fessing up over a stupid mistake (drunken fumble/snog/sex, moment of madness, etc).

Where there are serious problems in the relationship and your needs are not being met, then confession seems more necessary. The relationship is not working. Everything needs to be put into the open to discuss whether things are sustainable or not.

From what you say, it's perhaps more a stupid mistake - but based on something in you that hopefully you can work out with your therapist.

NeatSoda · 31/05/2016 08:22

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because you had a fling there must be something wrong with your relationship- it's a fallacy.

People cheat because they fancy it and/or because they can and/or because for whatever reason their usual resistance is low. It doesn't necessarily reflect on your DH.

I'd be really careful about over-analysing the fling. You could end up finding too much fault in your marriage. Your hormones are rationalising the fling/OM and making you crave contact with him. Beware. You will make bad decisions if you listen to them.

Because you aren't interested in the OM, are you?

LonelySoutherner · 31/05/2016 08:35

I cheated on my ex partner the guilt was too much for me and took advice from certain posters here, came clean about it. It wasn't fair on him... do the right thing and tell him. It happened twice, what's to stop you from happening a third time. I've been cheated on in the past, it's a horrible feeling Sad so you know the feeling as well Sad

Out of curiosity all those posters that keep saying "don't tell him" how would you feel if your husbands had a one off like OP... I'm pretty sure you'd be crying LTB...

chakachumchom · 31/05/2016 08:39

OP's husband may prefer not to know...

Joysmum · 31/05/2016 08:41

Confession makes us feel better, because it lifts the painful burden of guilt

That's an interesting point of view and one I'd actually not considered, despite being firmly in the 'tell him' camp.

My reasons are because if we can not continue to adhere to the acceptable and pre-agreed boundaries of our relationship, it's up to both to decide whether the relationship can continue as was and what future it has.

For me this has nothing to do with allaying guilt and everything to do with the rights of our partner.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 09:03

Joysmum if we can not continue to adhere to the acceptable and pre-agreed boundaries of our relationship, it's up to both to decide whether the relationship can continue as was and what future it has.

I think much depends on your view of us humans. Navigating our way through the complexities of life and trying to be happy and fulfilled is not a trivial task. And the more we expect ourselves and others to be saints, the more problematic it all becomes.

If my partner had a drunken one-night stand I wouldn't want to know.

If she had an affair because I am not meeting her needs, then she needs to tell me that I am not. And I still probably don't want to know about her affair.

If I suspect and ask her outright - then she needs to be honest. If I deny there's a real issue, then she needs to be honest. The more she is asking me to change, the more she needs to be honest.

I think it's a balancing act between the hurt caused and potential joy gained.