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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage crisis point

72 replies

FoofooLeSnoo · 29/05/2016 22:08

Im really reeling at the moment. On Thursday (my birthday) I opened some post of my dh,'s as I thought it was my Amazon package. This is something I do routinely as we order a lot of stuff, he's never been too fussed about it before. Long story cut short, I found he has lied to me over a big issue that I had issued an ultimatum over some years back.
Anyway we had the mother of all rows ending with him walking out on my birthday just an hour before my parents were coming for dinner! He stayed overnight at his mates.

He's come back for now but we are both absolutely furious and he has said he feels that our marriage is over, and there is no point going for counselling. The last few days have been hell as we have two small DC. He is so cold and hostile towards me and it's complicated by the fact he is bipolar 2 and not stable mood wise. He is so negative and his anger towards me tonight quite shocked me.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I'm just getting it out I think. I'm struggling a bit with it all.

OP posts:

ChristinaParsons · 02/06/2016 21:31

Which is what I said in my previous post. If he is not 1000% committed to helping himself. The abuse will become worse. They will test you a bit and if they get away with it, the next time they will test you a bit more and so it goes on....

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/06/2016 22:36

OK. It's just a mistake on his part, which you probably caused anyway by asking him to take his meds and not take drugs. You are strong. You can stop letting him browbeat you into submission. You want to stay together. OK. Let's go with that.

What is he currently doing to make sure the family stays together?

What has he said and done since your birthday to apologise and convince you he will behave differently in future?

Are you convinced that he is committed to changing his own behaviour to keep the family together? Was it a bloody good apology?

SandyY2K · 02/06/2016 23:46

Never issue an ultimatum that you won't follow through with. It's best not to say anything as you run the risk of your word not being taken seriously.

Lilacpink40 · 02/06/2016 23:50

You've said he's "cold...hostile" and he's taking drugs. You and your DCs need a break and he needs to work to regain your trust. If he doesn't want to put the work in it isn't your fault it's his choice. Your choice can be a stable life.

Balanced12 · 03/06/2016 05:31

I have to agree with Christina, RunRabbit relationships take work you are supposed to support each other, you would not make decisions based in when someone was physically ill. But yes he needs to put the steps in place to stop a repeat. If he can't do that it's not worth it.

LineyReborn · 03/06/2016 06:22

OP, I've woken up early and just read your thread in one sitting.

I think why you find it hard to move past the episode where your husband walked out on you on your birthday is that far from being a spur of the moment thing, one could argue that he packed a bag and picked his time in a calculated fashion to cause you maximum hurt and embarrassment.

I would worry that that shows control rather than loss of control.

That's something that might be worth exploring in counselling when you go. I know actions and intentions aren't always black and white 'binary', but he definitely could have predicted the outcome of what he did, and he did mean to hurt you for challenging him about buying the dangerous crap that is 'legal highs'.

stumblymonkey · 03/06/2016 06:52

Can I just say that I have Bipolar 2 and have never verbally abused anyone or acted the way your DH is acting.

What makes you think it's related to his mental health issue?

Are you sure he isn't using that as an excuse or that you aren't using it as an excuse on his behalf?

Unless he can articulate that it is related then I'm not sure I would jump to the conclusion that the two are linked.

He just sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest and that isn't a mental health condition unfortunately otherwise it could be treated!

Also...not taking his medication for three days would not result in a change of character like this. I'm on the most volatile of all of the meds for Bipolar 2 and after three days would feel very sick as I'd be going through withdrawal and I might feel the beginnings of a light depression but it most certainly wouldn't be enough to have some sort of immediate change in mood.

What's useful to remember is that Bipolar 2 impacts MOOD not CHARACTER. It may make me feel down or even irritated (mood) but I still wouldn't take this out on other people (character).

stumblymonkey · 03/06/2016 06:56

Christina...your ex most likely had Bipolar 1 which is a totally different beast.

People with Bipolar 1 lose touch with reality and so genuinely 'aren't themselves' and can't remember necessarily what happened.

This is very, very different to Bipolar 2. We don't lose touch with reality at all. There is no mania or psychosis. We always remember what happened and we are still ourselves.

Hence....OP's DH is being a dick and that's nothing to do with his bipolar in this instance IMO.

stumblymonkey · 03/06/2016 07:02

Sorry...me again!

I would also add that as sad as it is that someone has a mental health issue (and it is very unfortunate and hard)...this does not mean that someone has to stick by us 'no matter what'.

If someone's mental health issue is causing them to have a very direct and unmanageable impact on you, you have every right to walk away and decide to live your life separately.

You are not bound, morally or otherwise, to put up with all manner of behaviour that impacts directly on your and your DC just because he has a mental health issue. I say this particularly if he is not committed to managing his condition.

Anyway....time for work, must dash, sorry about the many posts!

DrMorbius · 03/06/2016 07:23

I can just imagine a conversation between DH and his mate.

mate: I hear you had to stay at Bob's (other friend) last week?
DH: yeah, DW found my recreational shit and went off on one.
Mate: what did you do?
DH: played my "joker", (the bi-polar card). Then I went mad at her fucked off and left her on her birthday with her fuckwit parents. While I went and partied with Bob for a couple of days. It was great.
Mate: yeah, but I bet you had to face the music when you went home.
DH: nah, refused to discuss it with her then I even got a welcome home shag .....result.
Mate: your a legend.

NameChange30 · 03/06/2016 08:41

Well said stumbly.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2016 10:33

Yep, that fictional conversation pretty much sums it up.

Or what sums it up even more succinctly, IMO, is "women...eat shit and don't dare complain about it".

KindDogsTail · 03/06/2016 12:20

stumblymonkey Fri 03-Jun-16 06:52:09
That is very valuable information.

Original poster

FoofooLeSnoo · 03/06/2016 20:57

Ha ha that fictional conversation is not very accurate. His mate spoke to me at length on the Friday night and listened to my concerns for dh's mental state as I was genuinely concerned. I don't think a few missed doses caused his slight instability as he had been changeable in the weeks before anyway. And just to clarify, he isn't taking recreational drugs at the moment. He told me to dispose of the package which I did.
I'm certainly not excusing or minimising his behaviour. He's been a first class cock and has crossed several boundaries which I need time to get over. Who knows, in time I may well show him the door.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 03/06/2016 21:09

I hope so. It doesn't sound likely at the moment. But I hope you see the light sooner rather than later.

Original poster

FoofooLeSnoo · 03/06/2016 21:17

I'm not in danger in any way, he's not an abuser, just a dickhead!
I agree that it's not just the bipolar. HE didnt use that as an excuse, it was more me suggesting that he might be a bit unstable.
He has the type of personality that flies off the handle occasionally. The bigger issue for me remains the lying, failure to grow the fuck up and the lack of apology. Lots to work on, or not as the case may be!

OP posts:

2nds · 03/06/2016 21:23

If I had to guess I'd say that these highs are taken more than once or twice a year. He's been caught therefore of course he will tell you a dulled down story.

I've heard of people having a Baileys once a year, I've never heard of people taking legal highs once a year.

smilingeyes11 · 03/06/2016 21:28

I dunno why you would issue an ultimatum unless you mean it. Lying and being abusive are never acceptable. Regardless of any bipolar diagnosis. What a terrible model of a relationship to show your dc.

Original poster

FoofooLeSnoo · 03/06/2016 21:43

I would be amazed if he took anything much more frequently than that, he never really goes out anywhere.
I meant the ultimatum when I said it!

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 03/06/2016 22:06

Lots to work on, or not as the case may be!

Lots for HIM to work on - you cannot change him: nobody can change somebody else, we can all only change ourselves or our response to somebody else's behaviour.
Take make the common female mistake of taking on the lion's share of all relationship work.

NameChange30 · 04/06/2016 10:52

You're in denial.
And if you meant the ultimatum, why aren't you following through?

Guiltypleasures001 · 04/06/2016 17:44

Next time one of your kids might find the pretty package and think ooo sweeties

Or the now not legal high could put your dh in a coma, then your a full time carer to his stupid
Arse and those 2 poor little sods.

Your minimising and in denial, he plays you like a banjo and yet you still continue to dance
To his abusive tune. I can't imagine what your parents think, and I wonder how many other
Celebrations to do with you or the kids, he manages to turn in to a fight, so he can walk out.

If your dd was with someone like this you would be heartbroken I reckon, so start putting the kids first
And his needs 2nd. He doesn't have to live there to be a parent

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