Marriage crisis point

[FoofooLeSnoo]

Im really reeling at the moment. On Thursday (my birthday) I opened some post of my dh,'s as I thought it was my Amazon package. This is something I do routinely as we order a lot of stuff, he's never been too fussed about it before. Long story cut short, I found he has lied to me over a big issue that I had issued an ultimatum over some years back.
Anyway we had the mother of all rows ending with him walking out on my birthday just an hour before my parents were coming for dinner! He stayed overnight at his mates.

He's come back for now but we are both absolutely furious and he has said he feels that our marriage is over, and there is no point going for counselling. The last few days have been hell as we have two small DC. He is so cold and hostile towards me and it's complicated by the fact he is bipolar 2 and not stable mood wise. He is so negative and his anger towards me tonight quite shocked me.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I'm just getting it out I think. I'm struggling a bit with it all.

BP complicates life!
My heart goes to you.
I think that Balance12 wrote a very 'balanced post'. I fully agree with her.
Good Luck!
(Continue venting please here or somewhere else. Find also distractions until as Balanced12 said 'the phase runs its course'-
go out with the kids, to parks, to MacDo -if you are OK with fast food- matinees movies etc or maybe ask your parents to babysit and go to watch a nice movie or have a drink and chat with friends, or stay at home with a book and nice music etc...) Good Luck !

Thanks everyone for your posts. I do agree with you Balance12, but it's hard. I do feel so angry about everything, not just this latest flair up. I think I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact my life will never be simple and carefree with him! I honestly wonder what the future holds for us. I must admit last night I went on the benefit checker to see what I'd get if I did tell him to leave. I'm not necessarily planning in now, but just to know I can cope if I have to gives me strength.

Your ultimatum was just meaningless noise then. I'm sure he's very glad about that. It will make it so much easier to ignore you next time. Your anger is just bluster. All bark no bite. Phew, what a relief. Life just got a whole lot easier for him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit your post is pretty unkind and insensitive. It's the sort of advice I don't need. I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. I won't stick abuse from him, I'm stronger than that, but when you have kids you have to try everything to keep the family together. I'll know when I've had enough!

Foo, you, like all of us, can only do what you can do.
And accept what you accept - that may or may not change with time.

I fear there is a real risk that he will not change.
And because you are frustrated and angry, but ultimately are not changing your response to his behaviour, things will continue as previously.

AF put it more succinctly, and Rabbit more crossly, but I agree with them both.

Well make sure this is his LAST chance now. Did he order his package for a night out without you? So you would have never found out?! How do you know he doesn't use these substances more often for nights out? Or does he not go out much.

I don't think this is reason to break up a family and marriage, unless you want to, but I do see why you are very upset with him and you have every right to be. He is a dad now, he should be more responsible.

It's more the massive overreaction and the walking out my birthday which I'm finding difficult to forgive. To a certain extent the ultimatum was daft. I don't really care if he wants to do something reckless once a year, as long as if it all goes tits up he doesn't expect me to pick up the pieces.
I should never have forbidden it, as like with a rebellious teen it makes it more appealing.

He's not a rebellious teen though. He's meant to be a responsible family man. He's meant to love and respect you. What he did on your birthday belies that massively.

You are making excuses for him.

So Anyfucker would you break up a family for this? My 7 year old and 4 year olds would have to be told their Dsd is leaving and not going to live with us anymore. It seems a bit extreme. Yes, he's been an arse but people are not infallible.

What did you tell your children about how he treated you on your birthday ?

Would I break up a family ? I don't consider it a "family" unless all members are equally committed to it and the two principal carers are working together to give a good example of a relationship to impressionable children.

I would break up a marriage, yes. No one treats me like that, and still stays around to show children that daddies treat mummies like shit and mummies take it on the chin.

He would still be their father if you two were not in a relationship.

You have a very simplistic view of relationships AF. I've read lots of your posts on here and they are mostly of the LTB theme.

You asked a question. I gave you my answer.

Lots of the descriptions of male behaviour on here are deserving of the "LTB Theme".

You will never have a happy, carefree truly loving relationship with a bi polar partner who is not 1000% committed to taking their medication and attending regular check ups with medical professionals. I stuck it for 18 years. The abuse became worse. Believe me I gave it my all and it broke my heart to throw him out. When I made my marriage vows I meant every word. But living with him was turning me into a crazy person and eventually I had to put my children and me first.
I hope you work it out. But he has to know this behaviour is completely unacceptable to you and that you mean it.

ChristinaParsons it's good to hear from someone with first hand experience. Do you mind me asking, what was the final nail in the coffin for your relationship? This is the first time in 2 years he has missed any meds and he is back to taking them now. I've noticed in the past he has been an arse but always apologises. The last year or so he tends not do much to make it up to me. He does practical things to make it up but doesn't actually say the words.

He went away with work. Stopped taking his mess. Slept with someone else. That's the concise version. He had been very twitchy for about 4 months but refused to go and see his Dr.

Meds
Stupid auto correct!

"when you have kids you have to try everything to keep the family together."

Nope. No you don't. When you have kids you have to do what is necessary to look after your own safety and wellbeing, and theirs. That does not mean staying with an abusive partner.

"I've noticed in the past he has been an arse but always apologies. The last year or so he tends not do much to make it up to me."
He is learning than he can get away with it, so he is making less and less effort, and treating you with less and less respect. You let him treat you like shit (you had SEX with him the day after that awful row when he raged and blamed you for everything! I still can't get over that) so he is going to carry on treating you like shit. He will only stop when you stop letting him get away with it.

I agree with AnyFucker.

And I don't think you're ready to admit to yourself that he's emotionally abusive. But he is.

Mamao i meant to thank you for your post, sound advice thanks.
AnotherEmma I'm not sure whether this would be classed as emotional abuse or just wankerish behaviour. I'm going to counselling soon so I will talk it over with them and see if I can make more sense of it all.
You are right though in some respects about the apologising. He uses anger to intimidate me, as he knows it shocks me. I grew up in a house with a very calm father who never shouted, and he knows this. He uses it more and more to browbeat me into submission, i really believe this. However, I'm a tough cookie with lots of support and people in my corner. I think I can ride this out and gain back some control.

He is abusive - perhaps these links will make it clearer for you:
signs of emotional abuse
am I in an abusive relationship?

Anyway I'm glad you're getting counselling soon.

Why would you want to "ride it out". He's abusive. He doesn't respect you. Why do you feel you don't deserve more than this?

I post this phrase a lot:-

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

Foofoo it is hard you have to be very mentally strong, ensure you look after yourself, glad to read he is back on the meds.

Please do make sure you get a plan in place once he is back on an keen keel. Those just saying leave and he is abusive i doubt have experienced this kind of thing.

I am sure when he feels 'normal' he will feel ashamed of his behaviour if he doesn't then you have a problem.

Oh of course it's worth trying especially when there are kids involved, but he has to help himself, if he can't it may be best to walk away.

"Those just saying leave and he is abusive i doubt have experienced this kind of thing."

Bullshit. A lot of the people on here who recognise abusive relationships have personal experience of them.

Yes but bi polar people are not being their true selves when in mania, depression or when messing about with their meds. My ex could not even remember what he had said and done afterwards

That's actually beside the point. Whether he is being his "true self" or not, the abuse has the same effect. He is not taking his medication and he is therefore choosing to put himself and the OP in this situation.

I am tired of reading the mental health excuse. I'm sure there are bipolar people who get professional help, take their medication, and DON'T abuse their partners. This guy is NOT one of them!