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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do now?

57 replies

Whatsername17 · 29/05/2016 06:02

I can't believe I am typing this. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6. We are in our early 30s. We had issues at the beginning of our relationship mainly due to our age. We broke up whilst I was at uni, got back together 6 months later, older, wiser. Things were different. Moved in, got married, had dd who is almost 5. Fast forward to September last year and we tried for number 2. I got pregnant then miscarried at 13 weeks in January. We were both devestated. I've been struggling with the mc and had a period at work where I was very busy. 2 weeks of stress and needing h to pick up the slack with the house. We had also ttc but I was having no success. My periods were all over the place. During this time, H has gotten far too close to a 23 year old girl he works with. He works with mostly females, so when her name cropped up more and more I didn't really think much of it. I don't mind him being friends with women. Looking back, he had started to become secretive about his phone and spent more time texting than usual. A week ago, he asked me if it bothered me how close he and this girl were. He asked me, apparently, because 'she is young and pretty' and he 'just wondered' ??. It came out of left field and started a warning bell ringing. I said I wasn't but told him I was unhappy that he always seemed to be texting 'work friends' even though he'd spent all day with them and that bothered me. We ended up having a massive row because he tried to make me out to be unreasonable and stopping him from having friends. He ended up apologising but I still felt like there was more to it. He kept going on about how this girl was a 'really good friend'. Then he mentioned that she had asked him to go for a drink to discuss 'work problems' and I said it made me feel very uncomfortable and that I thought he was getting too close. He went mad again making out like I was irrational and picking holes in our relationship saying we were never going to survive. Once again, I called him on it and he eventually apologised saying he was stressed. Yesterday he spent the day with his family in Chelsea, a family thing they do every year. I had dd and my niece. I got a few texts from him in the day and when he got home he was texting again. I asked him who and he admitted this girl. We argued because I just couldn't believe after all of the upset he could actually not go one day without texting her. He accused me of being irrational so I asked to look at the texts. He said no and made excuse after excuse about why he wasn't going to 'give in to me'. He then went to the toilet and, shock, after 10 minutes in the bathroom with his phone announced I could read them if it would 'put an end to all of this'! I told him I wasn't stupid and I knew he'd have removed anything incriminating. He became all incredulous but I looked at the messages anyway. There were 80 texts at least between them just yesterday. He'd spent the whole day texting her pictures and updates. Before that daily texts about everything and anything. I called him out and this time he crumbled. He said that they'd been flirting and that he was attracted to her and that two weeks ago the texts had become sexual one night whilst I was out with work. They had met on the Monday to discuss how things had gone 'too far' and agreed it was a 'one time thing'. Since then they have texted pretty much constantly albeit not sexual. Although if they'd met up for that drink I doubt it would have stayed that way. To top it all of, I'm 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. We've known for 10 days and he has still put me through this shit. Nothing physical has happened but he 'doesn't know how he feels' about her. He is a fucking arse hole. What do I do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/05/2016 10:41

TBH it all feels to me as he's been trying to make you jealous and it spectacularly backfired on him.
Why would he tell you about sexual messages if you hadn't seen any?
And would a 20 year old with a boyfriend be interested in him?

Or he's been harassing her.
Either scenario is bad enough, though.

Whatsername17 · 29/05/2016 10:44

He is attractive and charismatic. It's not hard to believe she'd fancy him. She's young and stupid. He's a fucking twat.

OP posts:
SadfaceMary · 29/05/2016 10:49

I would definitely make him stay away for longer than one night. One night won't give him the message that you are deadly serious. Tell him that he will have to stay away indefinitely, until you have had a chance to full absorb and process what he has done.

Lushlife · 29/05/2016 11:09

Does she know he has got a pregnant wife?

Hurtandconfused2016 · 29/05/2016 11:12

Op please think of yourself and the kids.
My ex had emotional affair when I was 20 weeks pregnant with ds promised to cut all ties with the girl moved work place etc etc. Fast forward 2 years I was 32 weeks pregnant with our daughter and again he left me for someone in his work he had been having an emotional affair with.

It's happened once what's to say it won't happen again I don't mean to sound harsh but it was awful being left so close to due date.
You seem very strong with what is happening and that's a good thing! Keep your head up but seriously consider him leaving for good! It won't be easy at all but it will be worth it when you won't be worried or paranoid that he's doing it again.

Flowers
notapizzaeater · 29/05/2016 11:14

I'd be checking which version he gives his mum.

Are they allowed a relationship at work, our SLT wouldn't be impressed at all.

moonfacebaby · 29/05/2016 11:30

I'd cut my losses & get out now.

Similar thing happened to me - miscarriage, he developed a friendship at work. Could never prove that anything went on, I'm pretty sure it didn't cross a line but it was definitely an emotional affair.

Fast forward 6 years - he has a full-blown affair when our DD2 was just 4 months old. After I have had 4 miscarriages too.

Needless to say, he's the exH now.

I think it shows a fundamental weakness in them & it's only a matter of time before they do it again. It's incredibly selfish & very immature & I'd think long & hard about whether you really want to be with someone who has such flaws.

I know how painful it all can be & im so sorry for your loss with the miscarriage....

Lweji · 29/05/2016 11:31

You have his version of events and haven't seen the messages about sex. He sounds deluded to me, but the point is that he has rubbed it on your face. He wasn't honest about it nor did he minimise it. Quite on the contrary.

But cheating or wanting you to try to get him back is bad enough in the context of a relationship. Both are screwed up, and you're well rid.

HeffalumpHistory · 29/05/2016 19:55

Hope talks went ok (as can do) op.
Hope his parents are giving your dh absolute hell.
And hope you manage to get some sleep & look after yourself Flowers

Whatsername17 · 29/05/2016 21:46

Thanks. I've kicked him out. More pissed off about the fact that he upset dd on his way out by crying and telling her he will always love her. Fucking twat.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 29/05/2016 21:58

Youve done the right thing. No mater what he says now, he is a wanker and will cheat. Youve no way of knowing if he sends her messages or not. It is easy to delete messages, use apps, have conversations at work. Hell, i know a serial cheater who has two phones. One never goes into his house. If they both work in a primary school they are very small Communities and they will see each other daily and throughout each day.

Whatsername17 · 29/05/2016 22:38

I know. I do believe that nothing physical happened but they have both over stepped and continued to do so for an ego boost. He's a complete dickhead. Thrown everything away for nothing.

OP posts:
minop · 29/05/2016 22:42

Good for you! What a twat!
I am 3 month out of a very similar situation and so happy I found the strength to kick the knob out! I have 3 DC's and we are so much happier without him. They see him once a week. Why they throw it all away for a bit of an ego boost I'll never know!!!

AnyFucker · 29/05/2016 23:22

Good for you. Nice to see a woman who refuses to listen to the bullshit.

HeffalumpHistory · 29/05/2016 23:27

Good for you op!!
I'm glad you've got him out. I know it must be horrendous but def sounds like the right thing. What a twat!!

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 23:38

A week ago, he asked me if it bothered me how close he and this girl were. He asked me, apparently, because 'she is young and pretty' and he 'just wondered' ??

This is so odd. I think like Lewj - It's as if he is actually trying to make you notice and make you jealous. He sounds manipulative and horrible. Reeling you in and out a though you are a fish at the end of his line.

You absolutely need space from him. I hope you get him to leave so you have some peace at this difficult time.

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 23:39

I just read you have. Well done.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 29/05/2016 23:47

Well done OP. Another one who thinks he was trying to make you jealous and it's all gone wrong and now he looks like a prick. Not that I have any sympathy.

Oddsocksgalore · 30/05/2016 00:58

Op you are amazing.

You must be heartbroken.

You won't regret kicking him out, whatever the outcome. The adrenaline will wear off soon so look after yourself.

Whatsername17 · 30/05/2016 07:12

Looking back, I think he said certain things because he wanted to get caught. Whether that is because he got in to deep with the flirting didn't know how to stop what was happening so used me or because he was trying to make me jealous I don't know. He has got form for the former to be honest. He is like a child. Id never have known if he had kept it quiet but he didn't. I tbink he wanted to get caught. He must have known it would get physical sooner or later. I don't know what his end game was. His mum thinks he couldnt handle the guilt so told me. She's so angry at him and hasn't tried to make excuses for him and reckons he was like that as a child. I don't know. Either way he is a complete walker. I've had a string of 'woe is me texts' and him telling me he is going to get counciling to find out why he 'sabotages himself'. I've told him that I don't think he sabotages himself at all. Rather that he is so selfish that he does whatever makes him happy all of the time regardless of who he hurts and then when he hurts others he falls into self pity and that he is pathetic. He is like an entitled child. I also told him, when he started going on about how he's ruined dd's life, that I am her other parent and he has not ruined her life because I simply will not allow that to happen. He started talking about how he's never going to be able to be the dad he was to dd with the new baby and I pointed out that he knew I was pregnant during this whole ridiculous thing. I'm quite proud of how I batted his crap back with logic and took no shit. I feel like I've got a good handle on what is right and wrong. I feel like I'm seeing things clearly. I take some comfort from the fact that his mum, who thinks the son shines out of his backside, has backed me completely and is really angry at him. His sister went mental at him down the phone. (She phoned me after in a state and backed me.) I never asked his family to back me i just told them the truth. The fact that they have means im right and he is a dickhead. I'm glad he is being publicly lambasted and humiliated because it is the only way that he will truly realise the gravity of what he has done. I don't know what I'm going to do long term but he isn't moving back in for the forseeable. He is sorry at the moment and grovelling. Once that doesn't work it will be interesting to see what he does next. I've told him that any contact at all with her, other than cursory work based exchanges in person, will be taken as a declaration that he has made his choice and there is no way back and I mean that. If he contacts her sgain it means he wants her not me. Stupid as it sounds, I can live with that. If im completely honest, I think that we are both guilty of just going through the motions over the last few months (not an excuse for him but I'm being honest with myself). Ttc didn't happen easily and losing the baby at Christmas was awful. I don't feel like I've been on the same page as him for a long time. We bumble along but I'm frequently annoyed by the little things he does. I'm frustrated by his childish ways whereas they used to be endearing. We don't do anything together unless we have dd with us. We are just at 6s and 7s. The connection between us is lacking and I don't know why. Obviously, getting involved with a 23 year old girl that you work with at the same school as your daughter goes to is a fucking ridiculous way of dealing with it. But i am accepting that we have some deepseated issues and its not like this has happened whilst things are perfect. It actually makes it worse that things have happened whilst things have been tough tbough. Whats that saying? If you cant handke me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best. Thats how i feel right now. The fact that things have been shit does not mean you stick your head ip your arse and behave like a dick. I accept tbings havent bern great. I do not accept that as an excuse. Yesterday, when we were talking before I made him leave, he started telling me about what he was feeling and why and made some points about our lives together that were hard to hear but, ultimately, showed that we have bigger isdues. The problem is that they could have been solved by counciling or talking but he never even tried to talk to me. Then resentment has set in. I'm guilty of that too. We really both resent each other quite a lot and I do not know how we have got to this point or where it all went wrong. Still, not an excuse for acting like a twat. Id told him at the very beginning of the day yesterday that he had to leave. Dd went to grandparents for the day so we could talk about everything. Then I made him leave and he was so shocked. He started throwing up, saying he couldn't go because he felt faint and stumbling around. Begging me to let him stay in the spare room and I refused. I dont know if it was a general physical reaction or if he was trying anything he could to get me to let him stay. Either way, I made him leave and I'm really glad I did. I don't know what will happen now. But I'm glad I've got time and space. I'm glad I don't have to look at him. I also sent her a message via Facebook. I think it was a good message. I was calm and made sure I blamed him 100% but told her that she needed to know that the attention he paid her wasn't due to him being unhappy or having a horrible wife; afterall, getting your wife pregnant isn't exactly a sign of an unhappy marriage or unfulfilled husband. That all their little 'special friendship' was, was an ego boost by a stupid man behaving like a cliché. I also told her to stay away from my daughter. I know it was perhaps juvenile but I felt so much better. Thank you for all of your support. Sorry for the epic post, it just feels good to write things down.

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 30/05/2016 07:14

Complete wanker not walker!

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/05/2016 07:21

You seem very strong, considering what you've been through.
It must be really hard, but you're doing the right thing. He'd end up walking all over you.

Dozer · 30/05/2016 07:38

Am sorry this is happening.

Suspect whatever your wishes he will move back in v quickly: don't think you can stop him, but some legal advice would be a good idea. And of course if he's serious about wanting to stay married, not heeding your wish for space wouldn't be great.

It sounds like he has a sense of entitlement.

Hope you have support from RL friends and (your) family.

Resilience16 · 30/05/2016 07:55

Well done for having the courage of your convictions and booting him out. I am glad you have got support URL also.
At the moment you are running on anger and adrenaline. Shock and grief are bound to kick in at some stage, it's only natural. That's when those support systems will really be useful so it's great they are all on your side.
Your partner has been a twat. Only you can decide in the cold light if day if the relationship can come back from that. If he is truly contrite then couples counselling might be the way forward, but you both have to genuinely want that.
At the moment, you, your unborn child and your daughter are the priorities here.Leave him to stew.
Big hug for you and good luck what ever you decide x

wallywobbles · 30/05/2016 08:16

Wow OP I wish I'd have your courage. But I honestly believe that if you don't show him how serious you are it will happen again. I'd even go as far as seeing a lawyer.

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