Would you change something about yourself to save your marriage?

[Nessalina]

My DH is not happy because there is something about me that is upsetting him. He won't tell me what it is, but he's been in a black mood today and when I tried to find what, he said it's something to do with me, but won't say what.
I feel like I have tried to change a lot about myself in the 10 years we've been together, and lately I've been trying to lose weight as he said during a counselling session that he finds me less attractive now I'm heavier than I was when we met. I'm also trying hard not to do a habit that I have in front of him (like biting my nails, but not that, too outing) even though it's something I've always done and he never used to have an issue with it, he now hates it.
I thought after counselling sessions that things were better, but he still isn't happy, and I feel like if I bend any more I'll break. I don't want to live in fear of judgement. But am I just being awkward. Should I change to make him happy?
We are married, and have a toddler, and he's a great dad, really involved, genuinely 50/50 parenting. He has a history of anxiety and depression, but I don't know if that's really relevant here.
I'm rambling. Just really upset and don't know what to do.

When people are depressed they often believe it's something the other person is doing. But the reality is the deep unhappiness is inside themselves and nothing you do will change that. Do you seriously think that if you lost a stone or two your dh would suddenly be contented. Also he may be saying these things as the drama around your response is keeping him distracted from his own stuff. Try saying something like lm sorry you feel like that and just go on with your own life. If he says there is a big thing but he can't say it just say ah lm sure you'll get over it. Don't feed into the drama. He needs to get help with his depression. Its not yours to fix. Whether you can put up with it or not is up to you ultimately but for now pick one or two sentences and keep saying them. Busy yourself and be extra kind to yourself. This is him not you.

He's talking about 'playing happy families'. Sounds to me as though that's a phrase he's got going through his head over and over...he's not happy, he wants out, he is the one who is 'playing at happy families'. But, in order not to seem the bad guy, he's going to force you into being miserable, so that he can throw his hands in the air and shout 'I've tried everything, but you're a misery guts and I can't live with that'.

I tried to change for a man. We'd been happy for years but suddenly I was too down, too insular, too outgoing (yeah, tautology alert), too unadventurous. All of those things were mostly because I was trying to bring up my children as a single parent (although he was my partner, not children's parent, he'd refused to have anything to do with them by this time). He wanted me to move to Africa (no reason, he just wanted to visit). He wanted me to change jobs. He wanted me to be totally positive about absolutely everything he suggested (most of it barking crazy). And, to my eternal shame, I tried.

He left me anyway.

There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with him. Don't change anything, except your marital status.

Thank you so much for your responses.
We just spent a while talking whilst MIL looked after DS. He apologised and said he was being a twat, and he wasn't being fair, and that I am wonderful and he doesn't want to leave.
I said I wasn't sure if I wanted him to stay and told him how he was making me feel, and he was genuinely gutted. We're going to see how things go. I've made it very clear that I'm not happy with how he makes me feel about myself and that I'm going to call him out on it. I think he really wants to make things work, and I do love him.

If MIL is nice, I would tell her exactly what has been going on and see what she has to say about it. Might be a wake up call for him.

Oh he's just telling you what you want to hear so you will go out for the day with him and MiL!!!!

Don't fall for his crap, do you really think he's had a eureka moment in the space of a few hours???

It's what you wanted to hear so at least we can say he knows how to play you!

HOpefully this is a wake up call for him.
Is he taking medication for his depression? Do you think he is ok?

Personally I would want to know what the thing was that was bothering him. then you would know how to react. How can you react to a mystery?

I said I wasn't sure if I wanted him to stay " O yes, Get rid.
His back pedalling is more game playing, it is directly a result of abusing you a bit too far & needing to reel you back in for the next wave.....
you say you love him, you may have done once, but certainly consider his behaviour, it doesn't sound like he loves you.

And what is the mystery thing you have to change about yourself, hmm ?

You are being played like a puppet on a string.

You love him & want to believe it will be ok, that's understandable, many of us have been there.

We will be here next time, and the time after...until you realise that he will never change. I just hope you do before he erodes every single little bit of self esteem you have. It doesn't sound like you have much left 🙁

It might help you to read even more threads from people who finally left & are much happier now.

AnyFucker. Honestly!!

I wish you'd say what you mean & stop beating about the bush!

😁😁

Yes I think in your situation I'd definitely change something.
My marital status.

Im not against change per se. I can imagine asking someone to , say, quit smoking, cut down on drinking, eat a bit more healthily, not leave stuff lying about. Note how all these are actions done by a person they are not attributes of the person themself. Asking you to change something about you, something you are, rather than something you do, is totally different.

Not telling someone what it is is just childish, abusive bullshit.

I'd be dobbing him into his mum to be honest. And I'd be shooting it back at him straight "hang on, so there's a thing, and you're not going to tell me the thing? But you are going to sulk about the thing and make me feel bad? Do I have that right? Have we been transported back to school?"

No more joint counselling. He bucks his ideas up, stops sulking like a mardy idiot or you're out. You're worth more than this.

Oh and I bet he doesn't want to leave! Nice little set up, wife who provides a nice home, looks after the kids etc.
His narrative is that you'll be so sad you'll do anything to keep him.

When I was young I watched an old b/w film about a woman who couldn't speak. She married a man then, somehow or another she got her voice back. Her H couldn't cope and, in order to 'win' him back she pretended it had gone again. Even back then it seemed awful to me and so sad.
Don't give up your voice for this man Nessalina. He is not worth it.

Extra hot...... the mystery "thing" is the whole point, OP is questioning her whole "self" due to her EA jerk partner
She can sense she is being played, she is starting to ask questions, she is on the road to recovery.... AF is astute in asking her to think

I hear where you're coming from, all of you, and I really appreciate the support.
I'm on my guard for continued fuckwittery, but for better or worse he's getting the benefit of the doubt. For now.

mix. Irony.

Ness. If you post about him again, I suggest you don't name change. Building up support is important & knowing bits of the backstory really helps people to help you 💐

Really be watchful now about how he behaves. Might help to keep a diary of anything he says that bothers you. For the moment, I would simply ignore anything he says that's negative, or that hints at your faults. Just behave as if you didn't even hear him speak. And keep thinking all this over.