Would you change something about yourself to save your marriage?

[Nessalina]

My DH is not happy because there is something about me that is upsetting him. He won't tell me what it is, but he's been in a black mood today and when I tried to find what, he said it's something to do with me, but won't say what.
I feel like I have tried to change a lot about myself in the 10 years we've been together, and lately I've been trying to lose weight as he said during a counselling session that he finds me less attractive now I'm heavier than I was when we met. I'm also trying hard not to do a habit that I have in front of him (like biting my nails, but not that, too outing) even though it's something I've always done and he never used to have an issue with it, he now hates it.
I thought after counselling sessions that things were better, but he still isn't happy, and I feel like if I bend any more I'll break. I don't want to live in fear of judgement. But am I just being awkward. Should I change to make him happy?
We are married, and have a toddler, and he's a great dad, really involved, genuinely 50/50 parenting. He has a history of anxiety and depression, but I don't know if that's really relevant here.
I'm rambling. Just really upset and don't know what to do.

amen

It is a secret!!!
Secrets in marriage are good! Yeah like fuck they are.
You are meant to change something but you are not allowed to know what it is. Do you like how immature your DH is? Are you going to tell him or are you going to keep it a secret so he can be forever unnerved and unhappy?
Do you like you? A much more important question.

thestamp - I remember reading your OP at the time, reading it again now a lot of things really resonate. I'm glad that you're happy now, your post gave me a smile.
I like myself sometimes, other times I look in the mirror and think I'm a mess. I am very aware that fear of being alone is not a reason to stay, but the thought of being a single parent scares the hell out of me. I hate being on my own in the house for just one night. And I do love him, even though he's being a twat. Essentially the only thing that will work is if he turns around and says 'I was being a nob, I love you, warts and all, I'm sorry'. And even if he did that, how do I trust him not to change his mind?

Please don't try to change yourself for a man, especially one who is too nasty and manipulative to even tell you what he wants you to change! This is all a ruse to keep you unhappy and destabilised. The poster up thread who said about your relationship with yourself is spot on. Be proud of who you are, if you find failings in yourself then address them for you only. Never let another person make you feel
You aren't good enough.

What is this, a treasure hunt? 3, 2, 1 with Ted Rogers and Dusty Bin? Relationships aren't meant to be guessing games. There is absolutely no way you should engage with him saying 'ooh something's wrong but I can't possibly tell you'.

Yes I would try to change something if my husband wanted me to. That's because he loves me and the sorts of things he would want me to change would be doing a bit more exercise because I'm always more cheerful when I do, or spending more money on myself.

See this mind game for what it is. 100% manipulation, keeping you on the back foot.

You haven't caused his black mood he's just projecting his problems onto you. You controlling your weight is going to control his depression, really?

How would he feel if you said you found his depression and anxiety annoying? (Not suggesting you should), it's an example of something that would be very hurtful to him.

Personally I would tell him that you find him so spectacularly upsetting that you've decided to leave him. And follow it through.

Absolutely not! I agree with all the PP who say that your H is a giant dick. Here is my cautionary tale, don't let your H waste your life.

I was with my exH for 30 years, all my youth. During that time he used to periodically out of the blue criticise me (usually for being too fat or too socially inept). He was never very loving and never praised or complimented me. Unfortunately my upbringing meant that I had learned never to expect anything other than criticism or silence so I did not twig how truly abusive this was. One of his favourites was to say "For God's sake say something interesting" which was, of course, absolutely paralysing.

Over time I changed from an intelligent high achieving, outgoing young woman with a bright future to someone who was chronically under confident and avoided all social interaction. I ended up losing my job and hugely overweight.

When I found out about his affair and then that he had cheated throughout our long marriage, the light belatedly went on. Actually he had never liked me and never really engaged with the relationship, I was convenient and practical (he was a lazy git who did sod all to do with the house or children -everything was done by me) and he liked the money I earned.

At that point I realised that all the years of criticism were his sick way of making himself feel good. I could never be anyone other than who I am and whilst that may be fatter, older and stupider than he would have liked, I am a decent person who did not deserve to be treated that way.

I filed for divorce and I have never regretted it. My DC who are teenagers now, barely see him as they recognise him for the narc he is.

Come on OP, are you seriously telling me your taking self improvement advice from someone who clearly hates with himself?

This isn't about saving you a marriage, this about you avoiding your responsibility of loving yourself, just like your H's finding fault with you, are an excuse to not take responsibility for loving himself.

The biggest tragedy here is, you and your H marriage is the primary relationship model for your children and what healthy lessons do you think your dissatisfaction with yourself and each other, are teaching your children?

You need to stop hiding in your dysfunctional marriage and start, mending the relationship with yourself.

are hallmarks of a dysfunctional relationship with each other as well as a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

Why are you delegating Don't bother exhausting yourself trying to take shots at forever changing goal posts. Your marriage is unhealthy and your H is using your dissatisfaction with yourself as an opportunity to ma

Loving someone who obviously doesn't love you says so much about you

If you find out what this thing is and fix it, he'll find something else next week and make you feel shit about that. It's not you, it's him.

You are you and can't change who you are. It's exhausting to pretend (which is what my sister does). DH does lots that I would prefer he doesn't but it's part of the bad and ugly I have to accept along with the good bits.

As for weight, your body changes after having children. You don't know if it will change for the better or not. As long as you are healthy is all that should matter.

For the sake of your children do not change who you are or put up with his crap of 'making changes'. If he was invested in your marriage he would be willing to accept you well before having children.

Your 'counsellor' needs their credentials stripped!

Counselling is not advisable where there is abuse. Your 'counsellor' should have said there is abuse in this relationship therefore it is not appropriate to continue. Are you paying for the counselling?

As for your husband, what a twat! Personally these days I'd be outta there but I also know sometimes you don't realise till you're out of it. Definitely get counselling (not from relate I really don't rate them anyway) to boat your self esteem. I rather suspect once you have your confidence back and are immune to his tactics you'll be heading for the door!

I've never met you and I can tell you right now that there is nothing you need to change about yourself for this or any other man. You are a great you, just as you are.
He's keeping you guessing because it keeps you cowed, malleable, biddable and non-challenging. He doesn't want you to change. He wants you to feel this worried, anxious and prepared to do anything for him and he wants you to feel this way forever. Even if you did lose weight ( I can think of a good way of getting rid of 80kg of excess, useless, toxic fat in just one day, for example), he'd just start going on about something else or start accusing you of flirting with other blokes.
The real question here is whether or not you're prepared to go on like this?

You guys have said such nice things about me, and you don't even know me. DH says nice things about what I do, but never about who I am. So he'll say thank you for a nice tea, or for giving him a lie in (and he also cooks teas and gives me lie ins, he's not a lazy person and seems to want to do nice things), but he so rarely says anything nice about me, about how I look or how I am. He does occasionally, but rarely. I don't think he is deliberately trying to hurt me, but I think you're right, and it's what the counsellor said to me too ( we did have one solo session each with her) - he's so fed up of hating himself that his unconscious brain has decided that it must be me that's the issue.

Please stop the joint counselling .qnd see someone BACP accredited by yourself.

When you say you're a "him pleaser", why is this? Why is he the boss? Why have you already changed things about yourself and do you walk on eggshells?

What has he done for YOU?

Why do you strongly dislike spending even one night without him? Even in a good relationship that'd be unhealthy.

That counsellor really sounds shit, and like s/he has an agenda to keep couples together even in poor or abusive relationships.

Last night I said that I didn't want to know what the 'thing' was, and that he needed to think about whether or not he could live with whatever that was. So I spent the evening on MN in our bedroom (by choice), whilst he entertained MIL who is visiting this weekend.
This morning I've just asked him how we can achieve some distance. He didn't seem massively upset, and asked if I wanted to play 'happy families' in front of MIL. I said I don't think I can not be sad in front of her (really teary today) so I don't know what we're going to do. MIL lives 2hrs away and is due to go home later this afternoon, we were supposed to be going on at outing all together today.

Anyone out there? Not expecting solutions just feeling very on my own. Also not a troll. Obviously (not NCed so many many posts in evidence).

Don't go out with him today: he can take the DC out, you do something nice.

If the thing was important, he'd tell you. If he won't tell you, you can't possibly do anything about it, if it even exists, which I doubt. He's being an are. Fuck him.

Its a tough situation. personally i'd be asking myself if i was happy, if this person was making my life better or worse by being with them.
If i couldnt answer yes to both questions, it'd be the end of it.

Would i change to make someone happy? that depends what it is i guess. If my GF asked me not to leave my pants on the bathroom floor (which i don't, she's more likely to do that) then i'd stop doing that. If it was something in my personality? i doubt i could change it.

Trouble is, your pathetic man child isn't telling you what it is he's upset about. How can you change anything if you dont know what the problem is? You wouldnt go to the Dr and tell him your ill but you're not going to tell him where it hurts, he has to figure it out himself.

I know it's very simple to say it but think about where you want to be in life, think about 5 years time, do you want to be worn down, spirit broken, going through the motions and doing all you can to make a selfish twat happy or do you want to have a supportive partner that bends over backwards to make you happy and supports you through any issues you have?

Then think whether your current OH will be who you see yourself with in that vision.

I wouldn't hide the situation from MiL if she's nice, or play "happy families", that just increases the pain and secrecy. The situation is that for some specified and some unspecified reasons your H is unhappy in your relationship and it's uncertain whether it will continue. If your H wishes to hide that, that's just further mindgames IMO.

I would tell him to go on the outing without you. And I wouldn't bother to hide from his DM that you are upset and he's the cause. Why should you put on a face for her when he's a twat. Have a nice quiet day on your own.

I'm sorry he's being such a prick. Can you take the toddler out yourself for a day out? Leave mardy arse at home with his mother?

Why do I have a feeling that this "thing" that bothers him about you is something ridiculous that is designed to erode your self-esteem slightly more.

And he knows he'd be a dick to say it, so he's telling you he won't tell you, making you beg him to tell you, so he can eventually "give in" because you've totally badgered him and worn him down.

And then he'll say that your boobs aren't big enough/too big or you don't give him enough blowjobs or you won't do anal or he doesn't like pubic hair, or something pathetic like that.

But you won't be able to "complain" because he never wanted to tell you anyway, and you FORCED him to, so he can't be considered a dick for saying it because you made him so it.