Going to Relate for the first time tomorrow - feeling nervous.

[fannyannie]

I want to go, badly, as I want to make this relationship work. DH reluctantly agreed to go - and I'm so scared that at the end of it he's going to turn round and say that he actually wants us to seperate. Also I've no idea what to expect never been to anything like this before.......

I'm not expecting anything to happen overnight - I just want him to agree to try and make things work.........

Actually it's a male counsellor - called Barry (which I must admit makes me smile as I have pictures of someone like this or this - ie really geeky and wierd looking . - I suppose it could be worse - could have been a Norman).

I know it's a first step - I'm just scared incase DH sees it as a first step towards the end of our marriage

I suppose that's true - I guess I'm just scared about the fact that some 'home truths' are probably going to come out - some of which I already know (things that I have said and done in the past which have contributed towards the decline in our marriage) but I'd rather leave in the past.....but then I know we can't leave them in the past without addressing them properly and dealing with them........if that makes any sense.

I suppose - and I guess if I'm 100% honest I don't think DH will say that he wants us to seperate.

A week ago, before he agreed to go to Relate, when he was going to back later than usual from work he wasn't bothering to call - we were living 'seperate' lives, but in the same house.

He's just called me to tell me he's passing through Ramco's (local corner shop run by a family of Zimbabweans) so he'll be late....would he really bother calling to tell me if he wasn't bothered???......or am I clutching at straws.......anyhow - hope he's not long as I want to nip to the other corner shop (yes we've got 2 within 1 minute walk ) to get some more Twix fingers LOL.

relate is very good Fannyannie. It has brought me from wanting to murder (and I mean really) dp this time last year, to actually trying to make him happy. Which I certainly wasn't doing this time last year

well another little ray of hope - we still had our Christmas decorations up - as when the time came to take them down I told DH I couldn't bear to do it then as it was too hard thinking it was going to be the last time I took them down in our 'family' home. He agreed we'd keep them up until whenever I was ready to take them down/moved out - even it was into February.......he's just started taking them down!

Fanny, just to prepare you, he will at some point ask, in a hushed and reverent tone "..and how are things sexually?! (A la "Dear John" if you are old enough to remember it.. oh GOD how old do I sound saying that? )

Just so you know.

PMSL - my answer will be.........well I'm pg - and in my last 2 pregnancies I went right off the idea of sex......so - hmm lets see - non-existent.....oh and in between whiles I've had a gynae problem which has made it almost entirely impossible LOL

So you conceived immaculately then? That should be a good ice-breaker for the first session

Seriously though, it is nerve wracking to begin with but remember that the counsellor is dealing with couples in similar situations every single day (it's his job and he wouldn't be allowed to carry on doing it if he wasn't any good at it) and will be doing everything he can to put you at ease.

He also might suggest sessions that are just you, just DH and then both of you again. DH will hopefully see the benefit of this and it's actually a very good sign that he is willing to go at all. If if wanted you to just split up, it would probably have happened already. My DH is NOT the sort to open up (like many men) and yet he used to go to the sessions quite eagerly including those where he got to go on his own!

Good luck.

(But they really do enquire about the sexual side of things in hushed tones, I wasn't kidding.. everyone I know who has had relationship counselling seems to have had the same experience with that subject! )

I am lurking as me and DP will hopefully be going to relate soon

Relate were brilliant - something about talking to a third party who doesn't know you and is objective (but does gently point out when one is being an unreasonable, emotional woman just makes comunicating easier and gives you a sort of saftey net to really be honest and open without it all getting out of control. Worked for us so well and would recommend it to anyone - give it a few sessions before you see a difference cos is hard at the start (getting all the cr*p out can make you feel worse to start with)

Good luck. and PS we did get asked about the s*x in hushed tones but chose not to tell her about it - none of her business I thought (rightly or wrongly and wasn't a big factor for us)

I thing they bang on about the sex aspect because it is an important part of the relationship, not so much for the act itself, but for the closeness it brings and the emotional connotations. If there are problems within a relationship, in any area, this will usually impact upon the sexual side, particularly for the woman, her enjoyment, and how she feels about doing it, even if it is still happening regularly. Our problems are/were not a bedroom one, more stress/anxiety causing knock-on relationship issues, but the counsellor rehiterated time and again how important it is to make time, forcibly if necessary, for each other, even if only a short time, but on a regular basis and making love is one of the ways to do that, even if you don't actually have sex It is something just for the two of you (any couple in question) that is (preferably!) nothing to do with anyone else; and when it's going well, will give you that special closeness even when chaos may be errupting all around (as in our case where we have a very stressful, high maintenance lifestyle which can easily leave us with no time for each other if allow it to happen, which was what we were doing. So many other problems can manifest from this one aspect - lack of quality time together - that you end up thinking ARE the problems, but counselling can help you see that they are symptoms of the REAL main one... the 'forgetting to MAKE time to nurture your relationship' one.)

Sorry for rambling!

well we've been - feels "good" in one respect to have got things out in the open. Some things, as I suspected were hard for me to hear - but one thing which DH said - and he answered the question first was the he wanted to try and stay together - but with 'conditions' attached (ie I HAVE to learn to control my temper and not lash out at him physically and verbally during disagreements - ie he's been a victim of domestic abuse and ashamed).

It was hard to hear my outbursts talked to in that way, but also a realisation of truth for me that really that's what it amounted too.

He (the counsellor) has recommended that if we decide to go for more sessions (which I would like to, and I think DH would too) is that firstly we go invidually - me first as the perpetrator of the abuse, and him second as the victim - and then after that have some sessions as a couple.

It really was good to 'clear' the air with some of issues with the 3rd party listening in - at one or two moments it felt like it was just me and him (DH) slogging things out - but all the time the counsellor was sat there listening and taking it in.

Could post more - but still collecting my thoughts on some of it.

well done for going. You have made the biggest step and the session will really help.

We went to relate last summer and his bags were virtually packed and he was leaving. We are still together and happier than we have ever been. It is like we stopped competing and started cooperating.

Best wishes.

yes it was quite constructive.

DH asked me afterwards what I thought of more sessions - he's slightly concerned about the cost factor but I'm sure it's not going to be a sticking point. We didn't really discuss too much about what was said in the session, apart from me telling him how relieved I was when he said that he wanted to use the sessions to try to stay together, rather to use them to help seperate.

He also said, looking further into the future, and he stressed it was only if things didn't improve between us, even after Relate, that if it still came to a point where we felt we had to seperate he would move out and continue to pay the mortgage - but then went straight on to discussing how we go about booking more sessions LOL - so not reading too much into that comment other than he's thinking practically about if things don't work out even after proper help.

Not sure when we'll be going again - if he's not too late in tonight I may try and discuss it with him - we may leave it about 2 weeks or so (I've got a manic week next week - only 'spare' mornings are taken up with my scan and consultant appointment!) but hopefully then we can start to move forwards again.

oh please book some more appointments - you sound like exactly the kind of couple they will be able to help.

With regard to the price our relate sessions were on a sliding scale. ON the second appointment they told us it would be £40 if that is okay and if you cannot afford it they will offer you a reduced rate.