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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Repeated lying

30 replies

wifeofliar · 26/05/2016 13:59

This is such a long story and I don't know where to start. But bascially my DH (been together over 20 yrs) has been lying to me - says he does so because he thinks I'll get the wrong idea, so he does it for an easy life. I have asked him to show me the messages on his phone so that I can see there is nothing going on and he refuses. Says he's nothing to hide but it's a matter of principle. I threatened to contact the woman I know he's spent time with to find out from her what is going on and he has told me not to and if I do he will leave.

Reading this back, I am thinking what the hell am I doing with him. But I love him dearly and can't imagine life without him. He has also been suffering from mental health problems and is very fragile at the moment. I am surviving on very little sleep at the moment and do not feel strong enough to handle this. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 26/05/2016 14:02

Tell him to go, until he can behave like an adult and stop telling lies there's nothing to discuss.

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2016 14:15

Jan45 mirrors my thoughts entirely. Until such a time, he needs to leave. I do try to see the good in both sides & I'm struggling with any at the moment with his PoV

1ofthosedays · 26/05/2016 16:35

He wont show you messages and has told you not to contact the woman... Alarm bells are ringing!

I would assume that something was going on. Is the woman someone that you know? Do you know the nature of their relationship or how long they have known each other?

Regardless of whether your DH has actually done something wrong, the fact that you feel upset by this should be enough for you DH to do everything he can to prove to you that you don't need to be upset! If you have nothing to hide then you have no issue showing your phone/text messages or have any issue with you contacting the woman.

MrPony · 26/05/2016 16:37

You won't be able to picture your life with out him now but a break will help you figure out what you want. You'd be surprised how much being lied to wears on you but it's the sort of thing you see with hindsight.

Original poster
wifeofliar · 26/05/2016 20:23

Thank you for your comments.

MrPony you are right, I can't imagine anything worse than being without him. Been crying my eyes out for hours and now calmer, or numb. I am going to try and go away for a few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
wifeofliar · 27/05/2016 09:16

I have had about 2 hours sleep and felt absolutely awful all night, sobbing and feeling sick, retching in the bathroom.
I don't feel physically or emotionally strong enough to go away somewhere on my own. I just don't know where o get the strngth from to carry on.

Just to give some more info - I don't know the woman personally but have seen things on social media. They met through a shared sporting interest.

OP posts:
ArmfulOfRoses · 27/05/2016 09:23

Isn't that knot of worry every time his phone beeps worse than being without him?

Wondering who he's meeting every time he goes out?

Not knowing if he's really staying late at work?

Wondering why he's bought you those flowers?

Why is he staying up later than you?

New aftershave.

He should be falling over himself to reassure you Flowers

Original poster
wifeofliar · 27/05/2016 10:41

You know what, I really do think that being without him would be worse. He and our kids are everything to me, I feel physically ill at the thought of not being with him.
I haven't drunk alcohol for a few years as it started upsetting my stomach. I haven't missed it, but am thinking of having something just to numb the pain (not right now, but later today!)

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 27/05/2016 11:55

What exactly has he been lying about?

Playing devils advocate here but if I had a male friend and my partner was suspicious so asked to read my messages then I wouldn't let him (unless I had done something to make him suspicious other than having a friend of the opposite sex), if my partner then said he was going to talk to/confront this male friend and ask him what's been going on (and there hadn't been) then I would lose my shit and tell him he confronts my friend (and thus embarrasses me AND my friend) then I would leave him. I would not allow anyones insecurities to eat into my privacy.

Like I said though, it kind of does depend on what he's been lying about - ie spending time with said person etc now IF I had lied about seeing male friend and therefore created his suspiciousness then I would allow him to read messages and I would feel some level of responsibility.

Original poster
wifeofliar · 27/05/2016 12:00

Yes he's been lying about where he is - saying he's one place when he has been with her. This is just a few times that I have found out through social media - I don't know what there is that I haven't found out about.

Also he went away last weekend and I saw a comment from her on FB which suggested that she was there too - although he says she wasn't, she must have just been there another time. Also, he has blocked me on facebook, I have a friend who told me about the comment

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 27/05/2016 12:06

Okay then yep, he should (IMO) do everything (including showing his phone) to prove to you that you have no reason to be concerned, that's super shitty behaviour - especially the blocking you on Facebook!

ArmfulOfRoses · 27/05/2016 12:29

You can't stay in a marriage where you have to drink to block out how your husband treats you Sad

SendTheNextOneIn · 27/05/2016 12:35

Your own husband has blocked you on his facebook account?!

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 27/05/2016 12:38

Blocking you on Facebook is crazy. He's blackmailing you - saying he'll leave if you try to find out if he's lying or not? You have every right to want to know what's going on. He needs to grow up and start telling the truth. Fuming for you OP Angry. Don't give up. You need the truth or you will never be able to trust him. Flowers

mickyblueyes · 27/05/2016 12:39

He's blocked you on Facebook!?! Your married 20+ and he's blocked his own wife on Facebook...has he given you a reason why he's done that?

Original poster
wifeofliar · 27/05/2016 12:48

I think he said it was because he thought I'd be paranoid about what other people wrote

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 27/05/2016 13:10

Hi OP, really sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. Is this the first time in 20 years that he has given you reason to be suspicious of what he's up to or has this happened before?

TheHuntingOfTheSarky · 27/05/2016 13:15

By blocking you he is basically saying your feelings are invalid, that he has no respect for your opinions, and that he values his other friends more highly than you as they are allowed to say whatever they like and it's your fault you object to what they're saying. He's treating you as the "little woman" who should be seen and not heard and is only fit for keeping her mouth shut while she brings up his children and he can bugger off and have fun doing what he likes with no consequences. Makes my blood boil Angry

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 13:53

He's blocked you on facebook?!
Fuck that - he'd have been kicked right out of the door!!!
How are you not seeing what is going on here?

The fact he won't show you the message out of 'principle' if laughable and reads from 'The Script'
If he loved you and wanted to put your mind at rest and have nothing to hide then he would have shown you without hesitation.
The fact he is making you feel ill with all of this just shows you how much love and respect he does actually have for you - That's NONE by the way!

I know the physical pain you are feeling.
I know the lack of sleep is truly awful but the adrenalin somehow gets you though.
I know the wanting to be sick all the time.
But you have to look after yourself.
If you haven't drunk alcohol for a while then don't start now. It's a depressant and will just make you feel worse. (not preaching here as I drank a lot when this happened to me)
Keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
I got through on ice lollies and sugary tea.
Anything that you don't have to chew and try to swallow is the best way to go.
Soups, smoothies would be good to keep your strength up.

Do try to get away.
Could you visit family or friends?

You cannot bury your head in the sand on this.
He's being disrespectful and disloyal to you and your DC.
Ignore this at your peril.
You will feel worse and worse and your self esteem will be on the floor in no time!
Respect yourself enough to do something about this.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 13:58

he said it was because he thought I'd be paranoid about what other people wrote
OMG this is actually laughable! And not in a good way.
What a crock of shite.
So for 20 years it's been OK and you've not been paranoid but now he is shagging an OW you might find something that make you paranoid!
Holy hell - not shit Sherlock!
And he's doing it on a open forum.
That's so fucking out of order I don't even know what to say.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2016 14:01

This man is really bad for you.

If you need a drink to cope with your husband, you have the wrong husband. Keep away from the drink and tell him it's over. I've never heard anything so horrible as him gaslighting you like this.

Lotsofponies · 27/05/2016 14:34

I am so sorry you are being put through this. The fact that he may not have crossed the line with this woman is immaterial. The fact that he thinks it is OK to cause you this distress is cruel and unnaceptable, he could quite easily show you the messages, but won't, out of principal. What an evil that. For what it's worth I think it sounds like he is up to something with this woman, or at least he is having a very inappropriate friendship with her.

As he is so fond of ultimatums, perhaps you could give him one. Acess to his messages and face book or he leaves, or perhaps you jus to tell him that you can't be in a relationship with a cruel self entitled man. You might be surprised how a few weeks away will allow him to see what a wanker he is being, and might show you how strong you are and how you could go it alone.

AnyFucker · 27/05/2016 16:42

OP, you refusing to deal with this won't make it go away

Your husband is treating like you like a fool. I expect people feel sorry for you because they know what he is like.

This is not a marriage. You are the housekeeper and he is Lord of The Manor who shags anything he fancies and has no compunction about lying to your face.

Drinking to block out the hurt he causes you is a very slippery slope. There is a solution. You just don't want to do it. But one day, if he hooks up with someone he thinks can offer him better, you won't see him for dust

Best to pluck up your courage now and hang on to your dignity, self respect and the respect of the people around you

SandyY2K · 27/05/2016 16:54

Stand up for yourself please.
Maybe she doesn't know he's married by the comments on FB.

If my DH blocked me on FB and I caught him in lies finding out he was with a woman, I'd be done.

Your fear of leaving is your worst enemy right now. If he says he'll leave, just say ok. I'll see a solicitor and we can sort out visitation informally for now until the divorce is finalised.

Then see his reaction.

If he had nothing to hide then he'd have no issue with you contacting her. If she knew about you, then they would have concocted a story.

I'd consider creating a fake FB page and message her saying "do you know that [insert DH name] who you spent the weekend with on [xx date] is married with 3 children]"

You'll soon find out by his actions when she contacts him

Don't allow him to treat you like this.

cherrypepsimax · 27/05/2016 22:06

If he can see you in such a terrible state and is doing nothing to reassure or comfort you then that is appalling. I know mh issues can complicate things and can cause a lack of empathy but really it is basic to just give your wife of 20 years a hug .

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