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Original poster

He's got an STD

52 replies

Completelyknackered · 25/05/2016 14:31

Met up with an old flame in 2014 through a course at uni. We hit it off, I'd been single 6 months. Next thing I know I'm pregnant, big shock, was on contraception, obviously didn't work. Had the STD chat as we were ditching condoms, said he was clear, knew I was.

Told him the shocking news that I was pregnant, he accepted, but then told me he has herpes. I thought it must have just shown up as I know it can lay dormant. Basically had to have blood tests to see if j carry the virus, and was told no sex by the doc. I carry the cold sore virus hsv1 so expected that. HSV2 was negative (what he has).

Anyway time went on and I realised he knew about the fact he carried it at the start of the relationship. I was livid! Told him f**k off.

Fast forward had DS, ended up having a heart to heart with the Ex p and was told he was scared of being rejected, told me he's had it for years and was advised that it can't be passed on without symptoms showing. I think I believe this as my own experience with GUM staff is that it's not an important thing unless caught in pregnancy, which is why they said no sex in pregnancy!!

My thing is I'm now scared to have a sexual relationship with him. I get cold sores on my mouth so don't fancy them down below. But I fancy the pants off of him and I'm dying for some intimacy! Not sure what I'm asking really, just needed to vent!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Completelyknackered · 25/05/2016 20:33

Salene, you're right, herpes is herpes. Not nice to have on your mouth, I imagine it's not nice to have on your most sensitive parts of the body, the genitals.

Suppose you're right about prospective partners being told about my cold sores, now I have all this insight into herpes, I'll also bring it up in the STD chat as I now know GUM clinics don't test for it, so prospective partner may not know.

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 20:39

Salene how is what I speak utter rubbish. I would not be put off shagging someone that had a cold sore but I would not sleep with someone that had genital herpes. Might be the same virus but impact a relationship in a completely different way.

You are taking it personally because you have herpes.

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 20:41

Completely- you are getting a hard time unnecessarily. You don't have to tell a partner that you get cold sores but of course you should tell them if you had genital herpes.

Hidingtonothing · 25/05/2016 21:04

Oddsocks so if someone with cold sores did not inform a partner and then infected their genitals via oral sex that would somehow be different to transmitting either type of HSV genitally? Sorry but I'm not following your logic here, both types can infect either area so both can be sexually transmitted, how does one require disclosure and the other not?

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 21:10

I didn't say that.

If someone has a cold sore and they are aware that performing oral sex could infect them then that's shitty, of course it is.

What I'm saying is that shagging someone with a cold sore is very different to shagging someone with herpes.

People are less bothered by cold sores than they are genital herpes.

Hidingtonothing · 25/05/2016 21:23

It's the same thing! Anyone engaging in a full sexual relationship (assuming that includes oral) with a cold sore sufferer is exposed to exactly the same risks as they would be from someone with genital herpes. I think the fact that there are two types confuses some people, they think type 1 is exclusive to the face and type 2 to the genitals but that isn't true at all, both types can occur in both areas and a cold sore sufferer is just as likely to engage in oral sex without realising an outbreak is imminent and accidentally infect their partners genitals as a genital sufferer is by penetrative sex. Sufferers of both types of herpes carry equal responsibility to inform and protect their partners because the risks are identical.

LadyAntonella · 25/05/2016 21:46

I wouldn't be put off someone I was in a long term relationship with just because they have an illness. It's not like he caught it on purpose and he wasn't with you when he caught it, which is what I thought this might be about when I read the thread title. There is no way of completely curing it (afaik) either so it's not like he has been negligent about treating it. I do know what you mean about the not disclosing, but I can kind of see why he was scared to, based on the whole "I wouldn't shag someone with herpes" type attitude (and I don't have herpes FWIW so I'm not taking anything personally).

I kind of agree as well, that if it is mandatory to disclose genital herpes then why not cold sores? I know someone who ended up in hospital as a teenager with cold sores all over and inside his mouth, poor thing. You just don't know how these things might affect you before you catch them and he probably just caught that from kissing a relative hello.

Re having sex with him, if you aren't pregnant, he isn't symptomatic and you are in a decent relationship, then it wouldn't put me off. Do condoms go some way to protecting? Maybe do that?

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 22:15

Condoms don't protect.

Same with warts.

Original poster
Completelyknackered · 25/05/2016 22:31

Lady - thanks I think that's what I wanted to hear, you seem unbiased, like I said I get that he was scared to tell me.
My ex wasn't bothered when I get a cold sore, he'd still want oral, I'd explain you could get it on your privates, again he wasn't bothered but I'd refuse as I didn't want it transferring to me genitally. He was a dirty shagabout though, so what do you expect 😖.
Thing is I got warts when first with that ex, couldn't blame him as it could've been dormant but now realise he probably cheated. He later gave me another STD, so you can see, I really don't want to go through anything like that again.

OP posts:
Salene · 25/05/2016 22:37

Odd socks there is no logic to what you say though the risk is exactly the same for contracting herpes during sexual contact if a person has a current out break be it on face or genitals the risks are identical

Assuming most people engaging in sex partake in oral sex of course

You say you wouldn't shag someone with one but would with other, that is such a contridiction and shows you have no understanding of the virus

That said I would worry too much chances are you most like carry it anyway and are just unaware of the fact as a high majority of the population do unless of course you have never had sex

If anyone has ever had sex they could well have it, same going forward any form of sex and you are exposing yourself to catching the virus.

Salene · 25/05/2016 22:41

Comp no one wants to contract a STD but anytime you have sex included protected you are putting yourself at risk it just goes hand in hand with having sex

And of course there is a element of trust , you hope husbands wives partners aren't cheating, strangers are honest etc but it's not always the case.

I think your over thinking things , STD and sex and just something that unfortunately can go hand in hand , yes you are at risk but that risk will always be there no matter who you are with only way to be sure you never contract anything is to become celebate 😂🙈

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 22:42

I could have it, yes.

If I met someone that suffered from cold sores It would not stop me having sex and I would never have oral so for me it would be no problem. If they told me they had genital herpes then I wouldn't bother.

I just wouldn't risk it.

Salene · 25/05/2016 22:46

Fair enough each to there own I guess. But yes if you didn't have oral then there would be no risk , I just didn't realise that would be the case

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 22:50

I appreciate that my posts probably make me sound like a bastard, which I'm not.

My ex husband gave me an std.

I will have it for life. Bastard.

So for me the worry just wouldn't be worth it.

Veterinari · 25/05/2016 22:51

Lysine supplements have made a significant difference to my cold sore outbreaks and actually prevent some outbreaks occurring. Assume would work as well for genital herpes

Salene · 25/05/2016 22:56

Odd socks I'm very much of the thought of you have sex your at risk of std , anyone who gets one is unlucky and those who don't are lucky and that's all it's comes down to basically

When humans get close nasty litte virus spread about , it's part of life. No one wants virus but we all bloody get them , horrid little buggers they are

I've heard lysine is a great supplement to take too

Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 23:27

Yes I agree sex comes with risk. It comes down to luck to a point, depends whether your told if someone has one and you knowingly take the risk yourself.

Original poster
Completelyknackered · 26/05/2016 08:38

Salene I now realise that there always a risk associated with sex. But the STD scares I've had in the past have scared me. Seriously unnerved me, and I got to a point a few months ago when is reserved myself to celibacy.
But I miss the intimacy and emotional positives that sex brings 😞.
Oddsocks-I get it, that's why I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I've been diagnosed with lichen sclerosis, a kind of psoriasis of the vulva, looks like it may have started when I had DD 8 years ago, and pregnancy with DS has flared it again. So that's why I don't know to take the risk

Thanks for your points, still stuck on what to do.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 26/05/2016 08:46

Oral sex is not the only way a cold sore virus can be transferred to the genitals. The other person can get the cold sore (through kissing or whatever) and then transfer it to their own genitals by touching them. Yes, hygiene and all that- but it's no stranger than giving yourself conjunctivitis through accidentally touching your eyes when you have a cold. I once knew someone who developed genital herpes while still a virgin. I think the only answer is total honesty and risk assessment.

BrienneAndTormund · 26/05/2016 08:52

completely you do know your HSV1 can't be transmitted to your own genitals right? You now have antibodies that would prevent further infection

Natsku · 26/05/2016 08:57

I got it from someone with cold sores so I consider them the same. Only ever had the one breakout though and have never passed it on.

Original poster
Completelyknackered · 26/05/2016 09:02

Brienne-that's not actually true, you can transfer cold sores elsewhere on your body, it usually happens in the period during a primary outbreak, as your body hasn't had time to build up antibodies, the possibility for it to happen after antibodies have been built is low, but still possible. I was still but on suppressive therapy at the end of my pregnancy for this reason even though my hsv2 results were negative.

OP posts:
charliedontsurf · 26/05/2016 09:03

Cold sores can be contagious even when there isn't one present. It's called viral shedding. The same happens with genital herpes. I'd say he was as likely to catch yours when you have no cold sores, as you are likely to catch his when he has no sores present. Very small chance indeed.

Sorry you're worried OP and it sucks that he didnt tell you at first, but there isn't anything to worry about. It's the same as the virus you have on your face - you didn't think to tell him you have it because it's nothing to be ashamed of. Attitudes need to change around this illness - as PP have said, 1/3 adults have it!

You have a DS together. You should focus on him and if you can both make it work together then you should do so. I speak from experience and I have yet to catch it from my DH of 8 years.

Original poster
Completelyknackered · 26/05/2016 09:04

Natsku-hsv2 tends to cause more outbreaks on the genitals than hsv1, something about its preferred host sight so it thrives more...literally that is what puts me off, the thought of having recurrent outbreaks 😞

OP posts:
BrienneAndTormund · 26/05/2016 09:08

Ok it's technically possible but so unlikely as to be negligible (unless you're pregnant)