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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

pathetic and hurt

29 replies

patheticandhurt · 25/05/2016 14:29

I feel so pathetic but am really hurt by recently activities.

I woke up last week to my partner having a wank beside me.

I know men do this and I won't lie i have to but never when my partner was sleeping beside me.

I think what upsets me is that I've told him countless times if love him to wake me up by softly touching me etc etc until i woke up then dtd.

He won't talk about it and I feel like he doesn't want me anymore and that I'm not enough.

Need advice cause I feel so down and hurt and can't stop crying about it

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 25/05/2016 14:38

Just reiterate what you said about DTD in the morning. If the sex & frequency is good, this wouldn't bother me. Did he not ask you to watch when he realised?

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 25/05/2016 14:42

When he realised I'd woken up he denied what he was doing which bothered me cause he has lied before and knows I hate lies! Our sex life isn't great cause he never seems interested and won't talk about what he wants needs like etc. I don't know what to do or who to talk to as I have no friends to listen to me

OP posts:

Wheresthewine36 · 26/05/2016 23:29

First of all,stop calling yourself pathetic. You're not pathetic. Has your sex life with him always been like as you've described or has something changed? My ex-partner was quite shy about sex - didn't like to talk about it, didn't give a lot of indication of what he did/didn't enjoy and on several occasions told me that he didn't masturbate and had never watched porn. May be off with the amateur psychology but I think it stemmed from an Irish-Catholic upbringing. I would try to again to talk to him about it, or, if you think it would be more comfortable for him, write him a letter. Let him know that you don't think him having a wank is dirty and that you were hurt because you feel rejected by him. Ultimately, it is up to him to open up so you can both make an effort to enjoy your sex life. If he won't do that, you have to think about how important this aspect of your relationship is to you.

I hope you manage to sort it out.x

iLikeBoringThings · 26/05/2016 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 07:02

I like boring things

What a cruel and nasty person you are, I'm not upset that he had a wank at all I'm upset that he keeps fucking lying to me!!! And won't trust me to open up and share his life with me, I'm upset cause I have no idea what he wants not just in bed but in life and I'm upset that every second of everyday I wanna shoot myself so maybe today I should then he wouldn't have to put up with me!!!

OP posts:

whirlygirly · 27/05/2016 07:08

I wouldn't like this. It's a bit grubby somehow. Dp is v open about his fondness for a fiddle when I'm not about but I'd hate to wake up and find him at it right next to me. I totally get what you're saying.

I also get that this probably isn't the only thing making you miserable so ignore the bitchy post above and keep posting if you need support.

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 07:19

Thank you, I'm struggling because I live in a town all alone with him, no friends, family not one person I can talk to, I had his sons 9 months after we got together and I feel so alone this incident just made me feel so rejected and what hurts it that I'm obviously not satisfying his need but I have no idea how to, I want to make him happy in bed but I don't know how to cause I have no idea what he wants, likes, needs and when I ask him he just clams up and either walks away or changes the subject.

The sex isn't all the problems tho see I wanna have a real long term Future with his but I don't know if he wants one too because we never really got chance to discuss it before I found out I was pregnant so sometimes it's like he's only here because he had to do the right thing and stand by me

OP posts:

Sadandfedup72 · 27/05/2016 07:28

Men with a perfectly happy sex life wank! It's not that you don't satisfy him, it's just something that some men do. It's not about you. He lied because he probably knew how you would react & you have proven him right! Next time reach over & say can I join in, bet that will excite him. Someone above suggested it's dirty, it's not, it's natural. Don't make him feel dirty and he won't lie. Stop being a little pathetic (sorry) and plan a date night

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 07:36

I tried to join in and he walked away, he has no idea I feel this rejected. I've never made him feel dirty but it's not the only thing he lied about and it's the lies that hurt me.

I give up

OP posts:

iLikeBoringThings · 27/05/2016 08:07

Not cruel or nasty at all. Read your original post - it's all about the wank!

Can i suggest that if you post on the internet looking for advice, that you say what the actual issues are. Not once in your original post did you mention being lonely or your partner excluding you from his life. It really was all about the wank, so that is what i commented on.

If you had said that you were in a relationship that makes you want to shoot yourself every second of every day my comments would have been different. I would have told you to stop posting on the internet and seek RL professional help because you sound like you are desperately unhappy.

Before you insult people that comment on your posts, make sure what you're posting is actually what you want advice about!

Sadandfedup72 · 27/05/2016 08:12

You never said either you tried to join in. Hard to comment without the whole story sorry. You MUST talk to him, somewhere he can just walk away, believe me I'm with someone that doesn't communicate and after 20 years realised he will never ever change.

kerbys · 27/05/2016 08:23

OP, do you mean that you got pregnant when you first met?

How long have you been together?

NavyAndWhite · 27/05/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 27/05/2016 08:46

From what you said it's clear he walked away because he was embarrassed. And that's fair enough too. I probably would be, a bit.

Try to get a bit of a grip. He's probably mortified enough without you keep crying over it.

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 09:04

He's never seen me cry, I'm sorry if I've upset people but yes I do need help and have done since my babies were born but I don't know where to go or what to do and no idea what to say, me and my partner had been together 9 weeks when I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant, we are almost 2 years down the line. I'm sorry if I didn't make sense in my op our problems are much deeper than that but that just made me feel so rejected because he won't have sex with me but will wank on a daily basis. I just want to feel loved and wanted that's all.

OP posts:

iLikeBoringThings · 27/05/2016 09:24

I think you should make an appointment with your GP as you sound like you are struggling.

You also need to tell your partner exactly how you feel, about everything. If he won't listen or take your concerns seriously, then you need to reconsider if this is the man you want to spend your life with.

Do you think you would still be together if you hadn't fallen pregnant? Not all relationships are built to last and children are no reason to stay in an unhappy situation. Many people successfully co-parent so you do have options. Regardless of what you decide to do, relationships of any kind cannot survive without communication.

Good luck OP, i genuinely hope you find a solution to your problems. No one should go through life feeling so miserable on a daily basis.

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 09:35

Thank you and I'm sorry I was so harsh in my reply I didn't mean to upset you.

Sometimes I think we would have still being together sometimes I don't.

It's hard because I've been hurt so much physically and mentally before and like to be open honest and share every part of my life with my partner but he won't trust me to talk about his deepest inner most thoughts ( not sure that makes sense) like I do. but what I mean is he will talk about every aspect of our life with his dad (which is fine and I'm glad he does) but not me so I have no idea how to make him happy. He has no idea how down I feel cause he makes me feel bad if I ask him to open up to me and he just says he never has with anyone but I don't want to be just another notch on his half eaten bed post if you get what I mean

OP posts:

n0ne · 27/05/2016 09:37

My xhb used to do this. Was almost completely uninterested in sex after the initial honeymoon period, but would wank every morning with me right next to him. It was extremely hurtful. Eventually he told me he didn't fancy me anymore as I'd put on weight (we'd both put on a couple of pounds, that's what happens when you're in a [seemingly] happy relationship). I went on a diet to make him happy (this makes me sick to think about now) but nothing made any difference. In the end, he told me he didn't love me anymore and that was that. I was devastated at the time but looking back, he did me a favour. I realise now the relationship was horrible and he had always been a selfish bastard. Now I have a wonderful DH who loves and fancies me no matter what I look like.

My point is, if it's a one-off, no big deal, most people wank secretly. If he's doing it all the time and doesn't want to involve you, big red flag.

iLikeBoringThings · 27/05/2016 09:47

I appreciate the apology OP, but don't worry, you didn't upset me at all.

Wheresthewine36 · 27/05/2016 09:47

Jesus, some of you are seriously harsh! PH said in her OP that she feels he partner doesn't want her and that she isn't enough for him - that's why she's upset!
OP, I say it again, you're not pathetic. There are plenty of arseholes out there who are not than happy to put you down, don't help them out by calling yourself names! It seems to me that you need to take a bit of control.
If he is making you feel unloved and unwanted, you have every right to expect him to discuss it with you. If you don't get the answers you need then it's time to seriously consider your future in the relationship.
Aside from all that, I think you should see your GP. You sound like you're struggling with loneliness and possibly depression. If you need someone to talk to more privately, feel free to inbox me and I'll give you my email address. I know it's not the same as having a friend you can pop for a coffee with but sometimes just being able to get things out stop them from becoming bigger problems. Take care of yourself.xxx

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 09:49

None( don't know how to tag) that's what I'm scared off, it's like I'm losing him and I don't know what I've done wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 09:54

Where the wine, thank you that means a lot, it is because I feel like he doesn't want me, and I try so hard to try keep things exciting and interesting in our life, not sure I can face life entirely alone without him if he doesn't want me anymore. What do I say to my GP can't really say I'm so sad that a wank on top of other things has made me feel depressed and lonely

OP posts:

Wheresthewine36 · 27/05/2016 10:36

You definitely need to try to get him to talk, even if he doesn't want to pour his heart out to you, you need to be able to tell him how you feel and he needs to respond to that!
I know the idea of leaving is daunting but would being alone really be worse than being with someone who makes you feel so unloved?
As for the GP, I personally wouldn't mention the wanking :-D
Tell the GP that you're feeling down, that your relationship is a source of sadness at the moment and that you feel lonely and isolated. They may refer you to talking therapy etc. You do seem depressed, to be honest and you said you've needed help since your sons were born so I'm thinking if you see your GP and explain everything, they will be able to help.xx

n0ne · 27/05/2016 11:11

You haven't done anything wrong, as far as I can see. If he's never going to open up to you and tell you what's wrong, I honestly can't see how you can make it work. You don't deserve to be miserable, OP, with no chance of making things better. I think you need to let him know things need to change drastically or you're done

Original poster

patheticandhurt · 27/05/2016 11:14

I know i don't expect him to be something he's not and do things that make him uncomfortable but all I want is for him to be honest and open about our life together but feel like I'm asking too much or somehow torturing him

OP posts:

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