Anger management help for DP

[Yellowsunshine90]

Hiya, looking for a bit of advice really about how to approach my DP'S anger issues, what help is out there for him etc.

We have been together for a year and a half and have a 13 week old DS. We were work friends before getting together and I thought I knew him really well. A couple of months into the relationship we hit some testing times at work - we worked in the same team and once my male boss found out we were together he made work really difficult for my DP, resulting in management getting involved and my DP was moved departments. I ended up going off on the sick for a few weeks due to the stress of work and my DP blaming me for my boss's behaviour (I had previously had an affair with my boss a couple of years before I started a relationship with DP). DP would get angry after work each evening and punch walls, throw things, etc.

Fast forward a year and DP still has almost daily outbursts of anger, unrelated to work but 'due' to other things such as stress as he is working full time as well as studying for a uni degree and all the stress that comes with having a baby. He continues to throw things, kick things, punch walls and generally breaks stuff in the house. He has also thrown things at me (a ruler, plastic wrapping from easter egg, hard chocolates from easter egg, soiled baby wipe) and the hard chocolate actually hit my son on the head as I was nursing him at the time.

Yesterday he got annoyed at me because I told him I had a bad tummy. He said I should go to the Dr and I said that I don't need to go to the doctor as it's mild and only come on that day. He punched the side of the sofa repeatedly and then grabbed my leg and squeezed hard. I have woken up this morning to blue bruises.

After his outbursts he always apologises for his behaviour and goes in a strop with himself for how he has behaved.

The leg squeezing has been the final straw and I know he needs to get help for his anger. I am worried about my son growing up seeing his behaviour and thinking it's normal.

What should I suggest to DP - would it be counselling and if so does he need to see Dr?

"He has messaged me back saying that I would be much happier without him and that he thinks he should move out for a while. I don't want him to. I just want him to be all better"

He is right, he does need to move out and with a view to that being permanent as well. He is not good for you or your son.

What you want from him and what you currently have are two very different things. You are a nice person and want to think well of him through your own conditioning. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

He is abusive and you cannot help him, you are not qualified to help him and besides which he does not want your help. You can never act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

If this man genuinely wanted help with his anger issues, he would be seeking it.

Take him up on his offer to move out. Unless of course you want your child to grow up punching walls and throwing things and thinking its normal behaviour.

Bite his hand off for that offer.
Tell him you'll help him pack!
I really think it will do you good for him to be gone.
You will feel like a weight has lifted.
Your home will be calm and abuse free.

Once he's had some help, away from you and your DS, then you can talk about the future.
By the way, abusers that get help don't often get 'fixed'
only around 30% improve.

Unfortunately, he is an abuser. It's always been there.
Anyone will tell you that abuse very very often rears it's ugly head after the birth of the 1st child.

He'd seek the help then if he was really wanting to stop his behaviours. Disgusting the way he treats you, bloody disgrace and all this within 2 years - please count your blessings and get out, there are men out there that don't bully and mark their partners fgs.

This man is very bad and he is going to get worse. You are either in deep denial or very naive to think that his behaviour is anything other than abusive. He threw something and it hit your little baby! He has caused you injury!

You and your child are not his punch bags. Leave him or get him to leave. Protect yourself and your child.

That's my worry ChicRock - I don't want his behaviour to set a standard for my son.

I don't know why I'm so tolerant to be honest - I think my nature is that I worry more for other people than for myself and I'm extremely forgiving generally (my ex partner was quite possessive about what I wore, often told me I couldn't go on nights out with friends etc and I stayed with him for 12 years!)

I had a lovely childhood with parents who never argued in front of me and are very kind and caring people.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to have to have a proper chat with DP tonight to see where we go from here. Thank you for your replies.

Your ex was abusive too.
You need to do the Freedom Programme.
If you do talk to your partner tonight, be prepared for him to get angry, possibly physically violent, and for him to blame you.
You have been warned.

Your own child is not having a "lovely" childhood.

He is witnessing domestic violence. And learning that women have to tolerate it.

YellowSunshine

re your comment:-

"I think my nature is that I worry more for other people than for myself and I'm extremely forgiving generally (my ex partner was quite possessive about what I wore, often told me I couldn't go on nights out with friends etc and I stayed with him for 12 years!)"

I would second the recommendation to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap particularly as your ex was abusive as well. You've basically gone from one type of abusive men to yet another; your boundaries are way off and you need help to regain these.

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency and see how much of that resonates with your own behaviours in relationships. These men targeted you OP and they have used your niceness and too forgiving nature against you.

What I can't understand is why your worry for others extends to your abusive partner and not to your tiny son.

Yep, save your consideration for those who rely on your protection.

Your hairy arsed abusive husband can look after his own needs

OP, this isn't something you can help him with and you and your child should not be around him.

Constantly screaming, shouting, punching walls etc will affect your child's emotional well being and they should not be around it at all. What if the next thing he throws at you while your feeding is heavier than a chocolate and it causes serious damage? Please get this man away from your defenceless baby.

Another thought - how many times has he been arrested since you've been with him? As if he is genuinely unable to control his temper he must be getting into fights left, right and centre when he's out.

Or is it just his gf and baby he can't control himself with?

AF I don't know where the "hairy arsed" bit came from but it made me laugh

He needs to move out asap as well as seek help.
I dread to think about what he might do to the baby when it annoys him, let alone you being with a man who's incapable of managing his temper.

You cannot fix him or persuade him to not abuse you. All you can do is ditch him and do the Freedom Programme and ensure you never, ever choose such a man ever again. And you need to report his abuse to Women's Aid and the police and HV/GP too so when he tries to gain unsupervised access to your precious son you have some proof of the abuse he has subjected you both to.

Emma, it was the first thing that came into my head to help convey my contempt

Although on reflection, I am not 100% sure there is anything really wrong with hairy arses per se

It depends what kind of person is attached to them

OP is not taking this seriously, or protecting her child.

where is your tiger mother protective instinct for your son? Why are you condemning him.to a toxic, unsafe and violent family environment?

You either retrain to be a mental health nurse so you can help your partner while handing your baby over to social services or you look after your baby and say goodbye to your partner.

You cannot do both. They are incompatible. I dearly hope for your baby's sake social services get involved because you do not have your baby's best interests at heart at all if you are oblivious to the danger you are putting your baby in.

When you keep on putting the same ingredients together, you will keep on producing the same shit sandwich, and your hope of 'fixing' him just delays the inevitable. You need to take action and kick him out whilst you still have some choices over the life you want you and your son to live. If he wants to change and prove himself worthy, then that's great. He can go away and change, come back when he's all nice and fixed, and stop fucking you all up in the meantime.

If you don't kick him out then one day someone will see your bruises or hear screaming and smashing going on, and they'll call the police. Try explaining to the police or SS how you are protecting your baby in an environment like this, and imagine how that will wash with them.

Your talking of him feeling 'depressed' and 'stressed' beforehand and apologetic, remorseful etc afterwards are classic behaviours of abusers. The 'nice' him afterwards is to keep you with him.

www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html

You need to wise up and get away. He is abusive and dangerous. You can't and shouldn't "help him": help your DC and self, and reflect on why you have got into two abusive relationships (plus an affair) and ignored big red flags early in your current one, and are denying the problems even when you have a DC to consider.

Read the BBC online article today on "shaken babies".

Does he do this sort of thing with his work colleagues, or is it just you?

Yes I bet he doesn't lose his temper and shout and break stuff with everyone does he? He'd get the sack. He only does it to you which means it's a choice. Your priority has to be your son, not him. You and your son aren't safe and you need to get out. You cannot help him and neither should you be. He is abusive. How long before the punching walls turns to punching you or your child?

Just so you know and I am sure it's been said already, he's building up to beat the shit out of you. Gradually pushing to see how much he can get away with. It's gone to far already, this is the dynamic of your relationship and it won't change. Your relationship needs to be over, right now but from your posts it's obvious you're not able to see that and finish right now. There's nothing to save here but I suspect it's going to take quite a while for you to accept that