Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ever get over being the OW?

61 replies

Cantgetpastit · 24/05/2016 20:39

I've NC for this but do post under another name.

When I was 18 I had a relationship with a man who was in a long term relationship with young children. We met at work and he lived a way away and came to stay in town for the week, coming back at weekends. It first started off as just friendly chatter and then turned into more. It eventually ended when I left to go travelling, although when I returned he wanted to restart things, although I had met my now DH and didn't respond. I knew he had a partner and still persued it.

This was almost 10 years ago now and after recently having a dd of my own, have been thinking about this time constantly. I am wracked with guilt and don't know how to deal with it. I know that I did something awful, but at the time I was able to brush that away. Now i feel like i have to make amends for being so selfish. I dont think this is coming out right but I dont seem to be able to articulate the remorse I feel.

Obviously I know it takes two to tango, but I really pursued him. Not that it is an excuse, but I was an extremely naive 18 year old with crushing self esteem issues and remember feeling desired for the first time. Lots of girls at work fancied him and he picked me type thing. He was my first sexual experience.

Sorry this was so long. I really want to move on from this but find the guilt crushing and cant seem to move past it. I guess that is my punishment. My dh is very supportive but I dont want to keep bringing it up and I dont really think he understands.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 25/05/2016 09:02

Are you afraid your husband will cheat on you and that be your karma? I just wonder as its strange your just suddenly become obsessed over this.

Believeitornot · 25/05/2016 09:08

It might be the birth or it might be that now you've bonded with your dd, you're putting yourself in the place of the wife who was cheated on?

My dh was the "OM" when he was younger. He never really thought about it from the perspective of the husband and child until we had our children. He then got very upset about what he'd done although the affair was never found out. I think it made him question and reevaluate himself as, at the time, and for quite a bit afterwards he didn't think it was "bad".

springydaffs · 25/05/2016 12:08

Perhaps seek out a therapist who is experienced in traumatic birth trauma.

Therapists know to take their time. There are things I know I need to talk about and, like you, I can't bear the thought of opening that Pandora's box. But I have had a lot of therapy in the past and know it's not a case of going in there and spilling the beans in their entirety; I know I can take my time and go at my own pace. The therapist is there for me, I'm not there for the therapist. I can set my own agenda; I can say 'I can't talk about it - yet' and we talk around it, talk about things I can cope with.

Re misdirected anxiety: when my first baby was born I became terrified my husband would die. I gradually realised it was my baby I was terrified would die (my sister had lost her first baby soon after he was born) but I couldn't bear to face that fear, so redirected it towards my husband. All subconscious, of course, even though I felt vulnerable and felt I needed my husband by my side.

deluxetruffles · 25/05/2016 13:21

I think anyone that does that, regardless of age, has very questionable morals. Not all 18 year olds behave in that manner, so saying you had low self-esteem really does not make it ok.

I feel terribly sorry for the wife and have no sympathy for your current remorse. I hope your husband does to you what you did to another woman.

Original poster
Cantgetpastit · 25/05/2016 13:56

Rebecca I'm not worried about my husband at all, despite what other are wishing. He has been really lovely.

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 25/05/2016 14:07

You should feel responsible because you are.

You were 18 and you knew what you were doing.

It's bollox that he was the only one to blame. Do we not have a duty as human beings to respect other people?

That said there is nothing you can do about what you did now.

I suspect you are thinking about this because you have your own family now and it's nothing to do with the birth of your baby.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/05/2016 16:43

Bet that makes her feel loads better. Nice one.

timelytess · 25/05/2016 17:20

It's bollox that he was the only one to blame. Do we not have a duty as human beings to respect other people
No. We don't. Mrs X has no right to expect me to send her husband home if he comes calling on me.

As it happens, I've turned down three (significant to me, there were others also) married men in the last three years. Two of them were 'I'm leaving her for you' serious, and as we are (ahem) of mature years, one 37 years married and one 33 years married. I could easily have been happy with either, for a while at least. As far as I know the third just wanted a shag but that could have been fun - if I hadn't known he and his wife are 'still madly in love' after five years together - oh, really? And I'm the only woman you've approached since you married, am I? I wonder!

I didn't turn them down out of concern for their wives, but out of concern for myself and my personal and religious beliefs. For women who don't hold those beliefs, I don't agree that they should refuse a man just because he has a wife. His marriage is his responsibility, not the responsibility of all women.

The OP was eighteen, the married man was her first sexual experience. He should have known better, and he should have behaved better. If a man is unfaithful it is entirely his fault, not that of his wife and not that of the OW.

TizzyTime · 25/05/2016 17:29

Wow, what bitterness would drive someone to post negatively about the OP when she is so vulnerable?! Shock You should be ashamed of yourselves and reflect on why someone's your H might be attracted elsewhere.

Boolovessulley · 25/05/2016 17:41

Op- you were not to blame , he was.

There are lots of slime balls around.

Recently I've been hit on by a married father of 3.
I don't know his wife but wish her happiness.

2nds · 25/05/2016 17:49

As it happens my friend is always shagging married men, I ask her why is she falling for another bloke who is spoken for and she always tells me "Because he loves me and he's deeply unhappy with his wife". I remind her about how the last one and the one before that all said the same thing.

How many women are told that the guy is unhappy? IMO if a man is unhappy in his marriage he should leave. The other woman might just be his way of making the wife put her anger on another person.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2016 19:14

I think counselling/therapy will be helpful to deal with your feelings on this one.

deluxetruffles · 25/05/2016 19:46

I didn't turn them down out of concern for their wives, but out of concern for myself and my personal and religious beliefs. For women who don't hold those beliefs, I don't agree that they should refuse a man just because he has a wife.

Really? You sound like a pleasant person. Your beliefs are the only ones that matter.... You would happily have sex with a married man regardless of his marital status? That makes you a whore.

TizzyTime · 25/05/2016 20:07

You would happily have sex with a married man regardless of his marital status? That makes you a whore.

Whoa. Shock Are we back in 1953?! What kind of crazed misogyny is that? Call another woman a whore and you lose the moral high ground immediately.

What on earth does other people's marital status have to do with you? Marriage means a certain thing in law - after that it is whatever the two people involved decide to put in.

Original poster
Cantgetpastit · 25/05/2016 20:20

I've made an appointment with the GP for next week, so thank you for all the encouragement with that. I guess even if the two things are not related, dealing with the birth will be one thing done.

Some people have said that I have no morals which I don't really think is true. In my life before meeting him I never would have considered it, and obviously think its shocking behaviour now. I guess I am disappointed in myself because I brushed that all aside because I was so desperate to be loved by anyone.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 25/05/2016 20:28

Having a child, becoming a mother brings up all kinds of memories...

He groomed you, please don't blame yourself.

Some extremely weird posts on here. Ignore them.

timelytess · 25/05/2016 21:13

Really? You sound like a pleasant person. Your beliefs are the only ones that matter.... You would happily have sex with a married man regardless of his marital status? That makes you a whore
You seem to have problems with comprehension. Relationships with married men wouldn't work for me, due to my beliefs. That's it. Final. But other people don't share my beliefs. If they want to go with married men, that's their choice. I won't criticise them for it. Maintaining the sanctity of the marriage is the husband's role, not the 'other woman's.

I'm quite entertained by being called a 'whore'. The definition of 'whore' is prostitute. So you're wrong on both the definition and in applying the term to me. I won't question your sexual history - it won't match up to mine. [Smiles smugly].

deluxetruffles · 25/05/2016 21:18

You know what TizzyTime it is disgusting to have a relationship with a married man or woman. Regardless of gender. A man or a woman who does that is not someone that I want to associate with.

Call a woman a whore and you lose the moral high groud immediately? Again, that is subjective. I think it is vile setting your sights on someone who is married. Yes, it takes two etc, but she has to take responsibility for her own actions.

Most of us are not angels and I have certainly done my share of reckless things. I am not a fifties throwback and I am not a religious zealot or a misogynist. I am proud to be a feminist who has marched for women's causes. However, I get fucking sick to death of hearing that the OW is not to blame and it is all the man. As for selfish comments like those of timelytess , I do hope that one day she reflects on the pain that such actions can cause. Maybe we should all go through life with the "fuck everyone else" attitude. I prefer to think about others as well as myself.

timelytess · 25/05/2016 21:33

As for selfish comments like those of timelytess , I do hope that one day she reflects on the pain that such actions can cause.
Get a grip. My actions hurt only the disappointed husbands who think they'll make off or get off with me - and I take their sorrow seriously, these are people whom I could have cared about. Who, incidentally, find me as I go about my normal life, I don't go looking for them.

And I speak from a position of experience. I've been the other woman, I've been the wronged wife, I've lived alone, I've been the moral-superior who won't and consequently doesn't.

I just don't blame women who go with other people's husbands. I blame the husbands. Because they are the ones in the wrong. If the adulterer was a wife, I'd blame her, not the other man (unless he'd put pressure on her in some way). The married person is the person responsible for upholding the marriage, not the 'other wo/man'. To claim anything other than that is to place an unreasonable burden on unmarrieds - that they should support and uphold the marriages of others.

TizzyTime · 25/05/2016 21:47

Vile? Disgusting? Are you kidding? Read the thread.

People make mistakes, of course. But yes, the other party ISN'T somehow responsible for your anyone else's marriage.

OP, pleas ignore comments from posters like Delux. The world is a complex and nuanced place and you are absolutely entitled to forgive your 18yo self.

timelytess · 26/05/2016 06:26

Definitely. Forgive yourself, get on with your life, be happy.

greenfolder · 26/05/2016 06:31

You really do need to forgive yourself. No doubt the bloke knew exactly how to play naive young girls of 18 to his advantage. He probably still is.

britmodgirl · 26/05/2016 07:15

Urgh some of the posts on here are vile. Stop projecting your shit people.

You were 18, barely an adult. You made a mistake and have learned from it.

Would you do the same thing now - definitely not.

Talk to someone in real life to get some perspective. There are some real fuck ups on Internet forums, don't allow their judgements to drag you down further.

SandyY2K · 26/05/2016 08:20

People are responsible for their actions, however you can't change the past. You can only be a better person with the benefit of life and experience.

You were young, but you still knew at the time what you were doing was wrong. You're now married with a child of your own and to be the wife and mum you want to be, you need to put the past behind you.

You are remorseful for your part in the affair. Many OW couldn't give a damn and are even boastful at getting a MM. They target MM and enjoy the taboo of the illicit sex, you don't fit the mold of the heartless OW who at an older age with more exposure still continue to make those choices.

You need to forgive yourself and focus on the present and the future. If those who reconcile with cheaters can move forward, you should cut yourself some slack.
People do make huge turnarounds following really bad behaviour and it's not like you went to be a serial OW.

That was the younger, immature you.

RebelRobin · 26/05/2016 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.