How did you decide to leave your DH? How bad does it have to get?

[chol]

I don´t love my DH anymore, it´s not that he´s a bad DH or bad father, but we are just going through the motions together. He is happy in his work and adores me.

I hate where we live (he couldn´t get a better job anywhere else and will not find another job that pays as well) and I hate the fact that I can not get the level of work I am used to. We´ve been where we are for years now and still don´t have any friends or acquaintances. He has never gone out with his colleagues and is not at all sociable generally. Few people where we live even speak English so Í have problems even chatting to people, never mind making friends.

I´m considering moving away with DS, which will mean DH could only visit DS/us every other weekend or so. I don´t want to keep him from his DS but don´t see another option. How long should I stay in a crappy situation and poor marriage before getting out?

If you moved away would there be any guarantee that you would be socialising there?

Yes, I´m sure of it. Part of the problem is establishing the degree to which my feelings towards my DH have changed because of the circumstances he is forcing me to live in. All of the other places we have lived in, I have had my own friends and own life. I could go back to an area where I have a good social network and/or family.

i think it took me about 4 yrs from when i knew i was unhappy to admitting it and doing something about it, the final straw came when he drove drunk to get the kids from school, and i told him during a relate session that i wanted him to leave. He still didnt take any notice tho so he didnt actually go until a few months later when he thought i was having an affair (i wasn't).

even then it was v hard getting him to accept it was over, but i knew it was, i had got to a point in my marriage where i thought anything had to be better than how i was living

i dont regret it for a second, i am so much happpier without him, and the kids are doing great, and i love the fact i can do what i like when i like

my social life improved as well, tho he did lurk about intimidating my male friends for a while which wasn't good.

Have you discussed how you are feeling with your DH?

I decided to end my marriage back in 2003 because we argued non stop and although I went to Relate, he wouldn't entertain it.

Even if we hadn't seen eachother for 6 months (because of army) when he got home we wouldn't bother with eachother unless it was to argue.

I thought that while dd's were still young to end it then rather than years down the line when they had been subjected to nasty battles between me and their dad.

Is there anyway that your DH could get re located nearer to your family? Do you think this would help?

DH will not consider moving. He really couldn´t get a better job and it is already very difficult for him to find work with anotehr company in his field. He was devastated when I told him I was considering moving away with DS, about 6 months ago, and I said we´d give it more time. I have.

We have never really argued. More the problem that we don´t talk at all, or rather I do all the talking and he doesn´t have anything to say for himself. I think if there were other people in my life the situation would be different, but as things stand I am very alone and lonely. He isn´t a bad man but am have been so unhappy for years. When should I do something about it?

when you feel you just cant go on and anything has to be better than what you have, and you can honestly say you have tried your best to make it right

unfortunately if he doesnt think the problems are big enough to do anything about, then you will struggle to improve your relationship i think

chol whereabouts do you live? Are you in the UK, in a rural area?

I think from what you say the main problem is that you're lonely. Perhaps you could still be happy with dh if you had another ventil. At the moment obviously, he's your main social focus and unsatisfactory since he's probably tired from work and not bringing much new interest in your life. Perhaps you'd appreciate him more if your social needs were fulfilled a bit elsewhere. Hard for me to express this. Perhaps you do still love him but at the moment it feels like he's a stone tied round your neck, forcing you to live somewhere you hate and then not even answering you when he comes home.

Why is it so difficult to make friends there? Lack of people on your wavelength? Unfriendly people? Are you too isolated?

THanks for your posts. I live abroad in a very rural area. I´ve made huge efforts to get to know people but we seem to be living on different planets. Some (other expats)are deinitely also very unhappy here but seem to have just given up and don´t go out to meet people. It is such a battle to get someone to go out for a 20 minute coffee. It´s not that I´m a social leper generally, I do have good friends, just not here.

SSShakeTheChi , you could be right, I resent DHs lack of ability to fulfill my social needs and for basically forcing me to live here and this is poisoning our relationship. Hating the situation here is bringing me to hating him.

Sorry to hear it chol I can sympathise, honestly. I live in Germany but we're in Berlin and being in a big town makes such a difference. I think if I were out in the wops here I would be totally depressed.

Have you considered teaching English, maybe just conversation classes? (If you're in a non-English speaking country that is). I found when I taught English that the students I had were lovely to me and very welcoming. It is a very good way in.

How about sport of some kind? Could you see yourself doing something in that line and getting some relaxed social interaction that way?

I´ve tried evening classes and met lots of other (non-English speaking) foreigners, after the same thing I think..

English teaching could be an option but would mean a long commute at a time when I fulfil all school run commitments. It´s also far from being my ideal job though I´m tempted, just for the social aspect.

I feel for you as I know what this can be like. I have often thought about moving away and leaving my dh to his job but somehow I always find one point or another to outway the final decision.
I don't really want to leave him but I want to live somewhere else - he won't socialize much and if I do find friends he won't join in if we plan anything or go on day trips. On the other hand he is ambitious in his work and earns enough so in a way he is doing it for us too.
Could you not imagine atleast spending all your holidays away? That has been my solution up to now, every school holiday I fly back to the UK with dd and ds on the first possible day and come back just in time for school. In school time we are all kept busy anyway so apart from the odd boring weekend I can suffer it as I know the next school holiday is coming and I am then surrounded by people and have lots of socializing opportunities.
Which country are you in? Is it easy to fly out?

Hi Admylin, I do go away every school holiday, but it´s just not enough anymore. I would give up all the holidays at the drop of a hat just to have a bit of happiness. As it is I think I´m just numbed into spending life in neutral and on a good day getting into 1st gear. Is it good enough just to make life bearable? Is it good for DS to see me as some depressed version of myself? I´m consicous that I can spend years and years of my life miserable here. Isn´t it better to get out?

It's really hard to decide, isn't it chol?

Is this job of dh's a permanent position? Is he happy to stay there long term, settle?

We have at least another 5 years here... DH has never really complained about living here (he is working most of the time!) but he doesn´t like it, just not enough to make him actively look for another job. To be fair, it will not be easy for him to get another job.

Five years in a place you hate sounds grim. Is there the option of moving to a slightly less rural area so that dh can still commute to work but you feel a bit more in the hub of things? Depending where you are, can you cross a border, say live in one country whilst dh works in another and put up with longish car trips (depends where you are of course). I know British people for instance who live in the Netherlands but commute to work in Germany.

Atleast we've got MN! Sometimes it is the only way I get to converse with an adult during the day! Dh goes out to work at 9am and isn't back till 9pm on a good night but can be out till 10 or 12.
What about the school gates? I know it's a hard place to make friends but what are the other parents like?
I'm trying to get some sort of voluntary work for myself for the mornings but it seems up to now that most places need help in the afternoon. I did some teaching to a student but in the end I found it was not of great benefit to me. The student came to my house, did her hour and then had to rush off to her busy life style which just got me depressed as it reminded me of the life I used to have!

Thanks, yes I have already considered this, but decided against it for a variety of reasons... seem to have exhausted all possible options really.

How old are the dc chol? One big problem with a trial separation of course is interrupting schooling. How do you feel about that and do you see a way around it?

Hi Admylin, gosh you have a long day on your own...I had thought that the school gates would be the place to be but have never met such women in my life before. I couldn´t stand the bitching and have left them to get on with it without me. The mothers there seem to travel in packs, and I´ve had no luck trying to integrate in one of the groups that seems to be made up of folk I might have more in common with.

Think that's a problem the world over from what I've read on MN TBH

I´m not very concerned about the schooling situation. Would rather DS went to an English school to be honest. It would be a good time to move.

would your dh not consider moving to save the marriage?

Is ds at an English language school at the moment? Well it depends on age of course and how developped their friendships are, how well they cope with a move. Seems a shame if you move back to the UK and dh cannot find work there but you need to be happy too.

So what do you think you'll do?

Custardo, I have hesitated to give such an ultimatum, and that´s what it is isn´t it... Though I have told him that I was considering taking DS away with me, I didn´t say that it would involve separation/divorce, just a practical move. He just said he won´t find another job ... I frightened to acknoiwldge to him that I am thinking of separation.

are you scared that if you do, there'll be problems with you taking ds?