How did you decide to leave your DH? How bad does it have to get?

[chol]

I don´t love my DH anymore, it´s not that he´s a bad DH or bad father, but we are just going through the motions together. He is happy in his work and adores me.

I hate where we live (he couldn´t get a better job anywhere else and will not find another job that pays as well) and I hate the fact that I can not get the level of work I am used to. We´ve been where we are for years now and still don´t have any friends or acquaintances. He has never gone out with his colleagues and is not at all sociable generally. Few people where we live even speak English so Í have problems even chatting to people, never mind making friends.

I´m considering moving away with DS, which will mean DH could only visit DS/us every other weekend or so. I don´t want to keep him from his DS but don´t see another option. How long should I stay in a crappy situation and poor marriage before getting out?

depends on how you couch it

your not happy - he is

there needs to be some equity of happiness. will he help you?

you must talk to him honestly and let him know how unhappy you are, otherwise how can he have the chance to try and make it right with you?

Don´t know what to do for the best.. Give up secure financial situation for happiness or stay stuck in this rut for years to come? Think it depends on how bad our relationship gets over the next 6 months. Think I´ll also start applying for work at home. Might take some time for me to get back in the workplace too.

DH knows how unhappy I am. I give it a year here to make a go of it then only then told him how much I hate it. It´s been a few years since then now and I´m getting more and more resentful that my whole life is on hold.

Wouldn´t be an issue to move with DS. DH is good father but doesn´t have so much to do with him, being at work all the time.

I would agree about the school gates but if you are desperate sometimes you manage to do things you normally wouldn't! I've been at some stages ready to drag mothers in off the streets and force them to have a cup of tea with me!
Did you have really good friends in the last place you lived? I left quite a good network and friends in our last place which makes it even more difficult to be suddenly alone most of the day. Do your dc have many friends?
By the way I had 3 years in a very rural small village when my dd and ds were born and I would never again move to that sort of place. I can visit countryside on day trips. If dh had to move somewhere for work like that I would have to go back to the UK for my own sanity. Atleast in the city you get the impression you have people around you.

It doesn't sound hopeless to me. Just from what you've said, I don't know the whole picture of course but he adores you, he's a good father and loves your ds. He doesn't like living there either but puts up with it to have the job. He has a good well paid job where he is and can support his family. If you move, he will not be able to find work and will not be able to do this or contribute to the family's upkeep.

He's in a really difficult spot, you know? What would you do in his shoes?

You care enough about him still not to want to present him with an ultimatum.

Wish I saw a clear way forward but I don't. Good luck with it all. Hope things improve.

and you need to give him a hand in exiting - getting out of, a situation which is very difficult at home - but great at work.

I also think you still care about him or you would have left by now. It is an awful situation to be in I know, I'm still in it myself but I do see that my dh is willing to apply for jobs back in the UK. Could your dh not start applying for jobs in other places just to get the feedback on availability even if he has a contract for another 5 years? If he knows there might be a possibility somewhere else he might go for it?

If you love him but not the place you're in, why don't you move back to the UK with ds and rent another place. You're not separated you're just in a long distance relationship.

What do you really want - to be back in the UK/living somewhere more enjoyable or to leave dh?

Thank you for helping me clarify my thoughts! You have no idea for much you have all helped me think more clearly. On balance, I think I would be happy with DH if only we didn´t live where we do. Whether I move away on my own or not is something I will have to think more about.

Thanks again.