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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to make MIL bugger off, without being blatantly rude?

31 replies

sleepfinder · 15/01/2007 19:49

Ok I won't go into particular details about the heinous emotional deficiencies of my MIL but if anyone can help on how to make her give us a bit more SPACE I'd be gratful.

We used to see her 3-4 times a year, when we absolutely had to - her birthday, near Xmas and twice inbetween.

Now we have a 4 month old baby its almost every fortnight I get some form of request to visit and its just soooooooo
unbearable!

OP posts:
bananaloaf · 15/01/2007 19:52

why dont you start say to her we will visit on such and such a day, prempt her. if yiu visit you dictate the time of the stay etc However in her defence i think its naturally she wishes to see grandchild but it is always more difficult when its mil. as a mummy to 2dss i will have to tread carefully myself in the future!

Original poster
sleepfinder · 15/01/2007 19:54

Yes, we've tried that.

Its ok, you don't need to defend her, I'm not hanging her out to dry here, I just need help in terms of getting some space from her.

I can deal with her on the small scale but anything too "regular" or frequent is so traumatic and energy sapping I can't face it. (Reasons unimportant in this thread.)

OP posts:
bananaloaf · 15/01/2007 19:57

my friends mil is like that and she has great trouble stopping it. does she phone or just turn up?

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 19:57

Oh, go on, you know you want to vent about her .

Original poster
sleepfinder · 15/01/2007 20:03

I know what you mean NQC, but honestly, no I don't - I just don't have the energy to do so, its too exhausting and dull...

It sounds horrible, but sometimes I wish she would just disappear...

And I look at my beautiful boy and I think, Christ, some woman is going to think the same of me one day.

But that's not really important, its about "management" and I find her very hard to manage no matter how much effort I put into it.

She was here 1 wk after the birth (arrived late, stayed too long, did nothing to help etc etc etc ad nauseum) then was phoning every day about coming again a week later and I had a conversation where I found myself saying "please bear with us, its new, its exhausing, we can't be tidying up and making tea for visitors every weekend right now" and I had to say it 4 times before she stopped asking "well, WHEN can I come over next???"

urghhh.....

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 15/01/2007 20:10

Can you not get you dh to have a gentle word and lay down a few ground rules re how often she gets to see your db and how those dates are agreed?

bananaloaf · 15/01/2007 20:17

invest in caller ID then you can chose to answer the phone or leave it to the answerphone

Bozza · 15/01/2007 20:25

Is once a fortnight really excessive?

Ceebee74 · 15/01/2007 20:33

My feelings/situation with MIL is similar - we didn't see that much of her before I had DS (which suited me down to the ground) but since we had him 6 months ago, it has become much more frequent - mainly because DH feels that she should see her grandson on a regular basis (we managed about fortnightly before Christmas but DH has been feeling guilty and wants it to be a weekly thing - aah!)

We have kinda got round it by DH taking DS to see her without me sometimes - so I get some time to myself and I don't have to see her as often - is this a possibility for you?

When I came out of hospital with DS, we had visitors lined up for the next 3 days/evenings - I was really looking forward to that 4th day/evening where it would just be me, DH and Ds but as soon as MIL found out that we had no visitors planned for that day, she announced that she would come - we fobbed her off (as politely as we could) only for her to cry down the phone to DH the next day about how nobody wanted her, she might aswell not be here, felt like killing herself (this is a common statement so we don't take it seriously) blah blah blah.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 20:53

If you just keep saying the same thing, until she hears you, that is a good management technique, it just takes time. Being clear, establishing boundaries, and not putting up with any emotional blackmail nonsense (hang up the phone, walk away, whatever is necessary).

It's not fair to her to spend time with her that you really resent, it will just make the relationship worse.

Original poster
sleepfinder · 15/01/2007 21:23

bozza - well if you think of the difference between 3-4 times a year and 26 times a year, yes, once a fortnight is excessive and we're not able to accomdodate that.

CB74. I'm so sorry your MIL with her death threats sounds like mine but one Big notch up in the wrong direction.

Yes NQC you are right. Its about repetition. I find that so tiring and I know its her technique - brow beat until the boundaries collapse, but I shall persevere!!

Thank you!

OP posts:
TLV · 15/01/2007 22:03

once a fortnight!!!! you lucky thing she is probably just excited about her grandchild, just wait till you need a babysitter you will be biting her hand off for some help believe me

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/01/2007 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cappuccino · 15/01/2007 22:07

say 'god, that would be nice, it would be so lovely to have some help around here'

when she comes, say 'ooh lovely to see you, put the kettle on won't you, you know where everything is'

make damn sure there are no clean cups

turn her into the kind of mil you want her to be I certainly wouldn't be tidying up for her like some kind of visitor.

Bozza · 15/01/2007 22:08

Well personally I think you are being unreasonable. Although if you follow ceebee's advice about DH taking the baby on his own sometimes that would cut down on the pressure on you.

Fireflyfairy2 · 15/01/2007 22:11

I used to complain that my MIl didn't visit our kids enough, I love seeing them come up to play with the kids, & I love seeing how excited the kids get when they see Granny & Grandad. Tonight MIL was here, as was my mum, the kids were spoiled rotten as they had both their grannies to fuss over them...

leave the poor woman alone, would it not be far worse if she didn't give a shit... this is coming from me, who has had serious issues with ILs but who gets over them for her kids future

fruitful · 15/01/2007 22:13

When she is there, don't wait on her hand and foot. And don't just sit around. Hand over the baby and say, don't mind me, you're here so often and there is so much to do, I'll just pop on the computer and do the online shop. And turn the screen so she can't see you're on MN.

I don't know what the issues are - perhaps you don't want to trust her with the baby. Or perhaps she'd be horrified. Could you get away with "we really want you to be involved with him so would you like to get him dressed now - don't forget a new nappy while you're there"?

When the baby is older you may be able to suggest that she meet you in the park or at toddler group or somesuch. Then when you go home, she goes home to her own house.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/01/2007 22:28

Um, given that sleepfinder hasn't said what her MIL does that's so difficult, so it's a bit random to accuse her of being unreasonable, isn't it?

I found my MIL much less annoying when DS1 got old enough to spend a weekend there. I value her a lot more these days ... but I still find her quite annoying.

Bozza · 16/01/2007 09:00

Well I would be prepared to change my view but on the evidence I have, that is what I think. I do agree with the ideas of getting her DH to take her DS, or the fantastic one of the, er, "online shop" from fruitful.

Original poster
sleepfinder · 16/01/2007 09:28

Thanks NQC - I logged on this morning and sighed. Its just so boring to find every discussion thread has to be reduced to some kind of major emotional two sided playground event.

I wonder if those posters are just hung over and looking for an outlet for all their frustration...

I don't trust her with my son. Partly because she neglected her own children so badly and partly because I've witnessed some awful and physically threatening behaviour she's shown towards existing, slightly older grand-children.

I should never have posted about her in the first place...

OP posts:
hettie · 16/01/2007 09:30

Erm those of you who think the OP is being unreasonable by not allowing MIL to see GS once a fortnight- you should really consider that some people (who also happen to be MIL?s) can be horrible, demanding, unpleasant, and abusive. You wouldn?t let an abusive emotionally unstable person into your house would you? Why does it matter if they are related to you. In my opinion if someone behaves in an inappropriate manner you have a right to limit their impact on your life. Just because someone is related to you (or your other half) it doesn?t give them the right to treat you like shit. OP didn?t mention exactly what it is that?s difficult about MIL, but I if her and her partner find her difficult (and remember they were only seeing her 2-3 times a year before so it hardly suggests the woman was high on their list of nice people to have around) then I think we should accept her judgement of this woman and try and be a bit more supportive.

Fireflyfairy2 · 16/01/2007 09:32

How did you get on with MIL before baby came along? I found I had a better relationship with mine before children.

You have said you don't like the way she is with slightly older grandchildren, well, that's good enough reason for me to not want to leave my kids in her care when she is alone, but at your own home... would it be a first step to ask her to put ds in his pram & walk to the shops?? That way she gets time with him, you get a few minutes to yourself & ds gets some fresh air

whatkatydidntdo · 16/01/2007 09:43

my inlaws never visit us (transport issues) and I rarely see them not becuase I particulally dislike them, just because I don't want to! DH takes them into see them whenever he can be bothered and the kids arent busy and I stay at home to have a hot cuppa or tidy out he toy cupboard (a job I cant do with "helpers")

I do worry sometimes about what I will be like as a MIL!

cinnamontam · 16/01/2007 09:51

Can you say to her that while you understand her wanting to see her grandchild...it is a real adjustment for you to go from seeing her 4 times a year to every fortnight. Put that out there rather than having to find reasons not to see her because of your very legit concerns about her behaviour with the other grandkids - which would be extremely confronting to discuss.

You can lie and say 'I'd love you to come around' and then tell her your 'rules' (for lack of a better word) on how that access will work and the assistance you would like from her while she is there. I had to use this approach and would unshamedly soften the person up by asking their advice on something or telling them it was great to see them and then laying down the rules on what i was comfortable with. I found it easier to be tougher if I had sucked up to them first and often the tougher stuff went down better with them because instead of the usual butting of heads from the beginning i had complimented them or made them feel important or needed.

It's such a delicate bloody game of manipulation - exhausting too. Good luck 'Sleep finder' and let us know how you go and what if anything works!!

Original poster
sleepfinder · 16/01/2007 09:58

excellent advice cinnamontam - thank you!

OP posts:
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