Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How do you fulfill your role as a wife/mother when you have a demanding baby?

71 replies

WhisperingSeagrass · 22/05/2016 09:41

DH works full time and I'm on mat leave, going back to work 3 days a week soon.

Apparently my roles and responsibilities include feeding everyone healthy meals, cleaning, anything domestic (although he makes allowances for ironing), making sure we are all well turned out/groomed, looking after everyone's health (ensuring he has healthy food available etc). Apparently this is what all mums do. I also do most of the baby care including night wakings but 'can't even get that right'. It is my fault baby doesn't sleep well and wants to be held all the time (according to DH) as I am with him all day/night and have failed to reach him to sleep/play independently. He is right in some ways.

DH is annoyed because he thinks he does everything. Admittedly he does help and he cooks now and then. But he is helping me to fulfill my role, and keeps reminding me of that. He's a high earner, takes care of all bills, paperwork, DIY, car related things, he also takes out the bins as they are 'his' roles.

I would love to have it all together. I'd love to be the sort of mum and wife he wants. I really thought I would be before DS came along.

I am just so TIRED. I hate leaving baby to cry and grizzle while I cook and clean. Right now I'm not interested in food, I'm too tired to eat. I've been 'cooking' a lot of ready-made things or pasta. I am irritable and snappy all the time. I feel like such a failure. DH keeps comparing me to his mum and to all the 'millions of other women with babies who still manage to run a household and look after their families properly'.

Any coping tips? Any time-saving energy-saving ideas?

OP posts:

Kitsa · 22/05/2016 15:34

BrendaFurlong spot on.

NickiFury · 22/05/2016 15:34

In answer to your original question, I think what I would do is resign from the role of "wife" thereby shedding all "duties" your prick of a husband has designated to that role and I would concentrate entirely on just the one role of mother. You may have to sack him from his role of " husband" but I think you'll find that's no great loss.

annandale · 22/05/2016 15:36

Can I just say that my mum and aunts were all housewives and mothers in the 50s and would have exploded if their husbands had dared to talk to them like this.

Does his mother know about this? I would ring up and ask a few questions about her life tbh. Some women do like to put on the rose coloured glasses though.

Madratlady · 22/05/2016 15:40

I have a 2yr old and a baby and I just about manage to feed everyone and do some washing daily. A sling is essential to keep baby from crying while I try and do other stuff, the toddler watches too much TV. The house is cleaned enough to be hygienic but is rarely tidy or spotless. Your dh is being a dick.

Crinkle77 · 22/05/2016 20:31

Yeah I'll give you some advice. Ditch the cunt. Sorry for the language but your post has really angered me.

lozengeoflove · 22/05/2016 20:53

He's a true prince, isn't he OP?

I have a two year old and a four week old DCs. The only reason why our house is clean, our laundry done and our meals cooked is my mum, who is staying with us for a month.

Come middle of June and we'll be pulling clean clothes out of mountains of washing, eating meals which take no longer than 10 minutes to prepare, staring into mainly empty fridge and concurring that having small children is hard. On both of us.

He needs to learn about the division of labour as well as supporting his partner. What he's doing is an absolutely abhorrent way to treat anyone, especially a new mother.

Here are some for you. You are doing brilliantly. Don't listen to his shit. Also, have some

goddessoftheharvest · 22/05/2016 21:17

Jesus, what is wrong with these men? There are hundreds of like-minded pricks,it seems

Tell him to go fuck himself

crazyhead · 22/05/2016 21:39

Wow. What was he like pre kid? Did this attitude come out of the blue?

He does sound jaw droppingly arrogant. Wtf does he think he knows so much about raising kids? I'd hope most decent blokes would just work with their partner to get through the first tough years with young kids and would just take it as it comes. I would beg my husband to come home as early as possible, sling our ds at him and run off for space in the first year.

You mention he is a high earner. Do you think he feels entitled to some gold plated hausfrau arrangement because he is earning a lot?

I agree his attitude seriously needs to change.

Earthworms · 22/05/2016 21:51

My mum had/has oc personality disorder - not the same as OCD. She kept the house spotless, perfect meals , as children we were perfectly groomed et etc - you get the picture. Unfortunately, in order to do this, .......we were completely emotionally neglected - I won't bore you with the results of this sort of "nurturing" on us as young adult women but I can assure you I would have loved to have had a mum like you

^ me too :(

PerspicaciaTick · 22/05/2016 21:56

What NickiFury said.
He sounds like a terrible burden.

upaladderagain · 22/05/2016 21:57

I hope that one of the three days a week you are going to be working is on a day when your arrogant prick of a husband doesn't. Leave him alone from dawn to dusk with the kids and when you get home expect dinner on the table, everything spotless etc etc. That'd learn 'im.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/05/2016 22:05

Coping tips? WTF? You feel like a failure? Eh?

He is being an arse. He has decided that all other women are Stepford wives and it seems you agree with him.

My coping tip? Get a therapist to work through how you've bought into his warped ideas about how most couples run their lives to the extent that you get distressed when he comes out with this crap, instead of laughing and saying "fuck off!" like a normal woman would followed by handing him the basket of washing to sort and put away.

Watch out, soon he will be telling you how often everyone else has sex and will be engaged in aggressive sulking if he doesn't get to do sex on you enough. Aggressive sulking is of course the greatest aphrodisiac and the most effective foreplay (for a bully with a downtrodden victim).

pointythings · 22/05/2016 22:10

I'd say you bury him under the patio and then drop your standards, relax and prioritise your baby. Obviously that isn't a legal option, so you tell him that the 1950s want their attitude back and that he needs to shape up and support you, or ship the fuck out.

When I was on mat leave with my DDs, my DH mucked in - I'd prep dinner in terms of chopping and cutting, he would then cook it. I'd hold baby while he ate, then vice versa. Everyone got fed, everyone had clean clothes to wear, everyone got cuddled, the rest could go to hell.

Bloody hell, can we do something to cause a mass extinction of these loser manchild types? Is there an asteroid that would work selectively enough for these dinosaurs?

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 22:12

he makes allowances for ironing

WTF... How very decent of him!

Can't believe the number of women who put up with men like this!

TendonQueen · 22/05/2016 22:18

What a dick. Energy saving ideas? Ditch him and just look after your baby. You'll find it surprisingly refreshing.

Echoing Annadale, my dad, who comes from that earlier generation, never acted like this.

Foofoobum · 22/05/2016 22:50

The woman who can have it all is a myth. Something has to give... And why should you have to give equal attention to each role? Prioritise and get oh helping at least 50% This isn't 1950

SueTrinder · 22/05/2016 22:51

You abdicate your 'role' as wife, concentrate on your DC, and tell your DH to do more in his role as husband and father. Because at the moment he is doing next to nothing. He is the one that needs to step up, not you.

It will get easier when you return to work, mainly because hopefully you will regain some confidence if you have a job you enjoy and are good at. But to facilitate that you need good childcare, a husband who does half the childcare (especially when you have a poorly child) and a cleaner / gardener / windowcleaner / whatever other staff you need to make life easier. You are at the stage of life that you just need to throw money at solutions to make life easier.

As your DC gets older, and crucially you get to STTN again, life will get easier to cope with and you will begin to feel like ourself again and it will get easier to cope. And eventually the kids will start helping round the house!

Jengnr · 22/05/2016 22:57

Perfectly groomed kids? Bahahahaha!!!!!

He's a bellend and he is severely lacking in his role as a husband. Fuck the bins, he ought to be supporting his wife.

AHellOfABird · 22/05/2016 23:06

You should both have equal leisure time. How will that happen in his fucked up work?

BeBesideTheSea · 22/05/2016 23:11

The 1950s called.- they want your husband back

DooblieDooo · 22/05/2016 23:25

When the children were really little Dh would come home and I would say "we have had a very busy day" which meant, try not to step on the toys on the floor that I haven't tidied away. His response? "Would you like a cup of tea?" whilst taking a child off me for a cuddle.

That is a husband's role. It is called understanding.

It's maternity leave, where you look after a baby. If you manage to do housework that's a bonus. You haven't failed in your role as a wife. He is failing you by not recognising you have had a baby.

Flip

1 2 3