How do you fulfill your role as a wife/mother when you have a demanding baby?

[WhisperingSeagrass]

DH works full time and I'm on mat leave, going back to work 3 days a week soon.

Apparently my roles and responsibilities include feeding everyone healthy meals, cleaning, anything domestic (although he makes allowances for ironing), making sure we are all well turned out/groomed, looking after everyone's health (ensuring he has healthy food available etc). Apparently this is what all mums do. I also do most of the baby care including night wakings but 'can't even get that right'. It is my fault baby doesn't sleep well and wants to be held all the time (according to DH) as I am with him all day/night and have failed to reach him to sleep/play independently. He is right in some ways.

DH is annoyed because he thinks he does everything. Admittedly he does help and he cooks now and then. But he is helping me to fulfill my role, and keeps reminding me of that. He's a high earner, takes care of all bills, paperwork, DIY, car related things, he also takes out the bins as they are 'his' roles.

I would love to have it all together. I'd love to be the sort of mum and wife he wants. I really thought I would be before DS came along.

I am just so TIRED. I hate leaving baby to cry and grizzle while I cook and clean. Right now I'm not interested in food, I'm too tired to eat. I've been 'cooking' a lot of ready-made things or pasta. I am irritable and snappy all the time. I feel like such a failure. DH keeps comparing me to his mum and to all the 'millions of other women with babies who still manage to run a household and look after their families properly'.

Any coping tips? Any time-saving energy-saving ideas?

Agree with all the above and just wanted to add that, if he is reminding you that he is helping you fulfil "your role" then you can remind him that by looking after the baby you are also helping him fulfil "his role". By allowing him to not have to think about anything but work, you are ensuring that he does well at it.
Entitled prick.
I was just going to start a thread about calling out sexism and inequality at home. I've recently started calling my h out every time he says something slightly sexist. He doesn't realise what he's saying half the time. I make sure to do it in front of the kids so we all learn what is acceptable/unacceptable.

Yeah exactly what Anyfucker said.

Btw you have not failed with your child. It all sounds completely normal. Also if he gives you crap about being a high earner tell him he is high earner if his income allows you to stay home and hire someone to do what he should be doing. He is doing about 5% of the work that goes into running a household, if that.

If he won't listen leave him on his own at the weekend with the baby while you go out and have a break. Leave him alone for 4-5 hours.

You have married an unsuitable person. It seems from your post you don't realise this.

Your partner should be understanding and supportive. There are no roles in a marriage except the ones you define yourselves following agreement and compromise from both of you.

How is he fulfilling his role as a husband/father? Does he think that going to work, taking the bins out a couple of times a week and putting the car in for an annual MOT covers it? I think you're doing fantastically and the problem is that you're married to an arsehole. He 'makes allowances' for the ironing? How fucking dare he, you're not his employee!

What was he like before the baby came along? He seems to think that now you've given birth everything house and family related is your domain. Responsible for his health indeed! What a cunt he is.

What a pompous arsehole. You don't need tips, you need a divorce lawyer.

You've married the wrong man. It's not your job to look after him, you have a baby to care for.

If his mum's so amazing tell him to fuck off back to her house.

Theres two options here - the first is if your dh has just misunderstood the level of work a new baby entails. I think in that case you could itemise all the things that need doing re childcare, wakings, house, car etc and then show him that its not possible to do all that in a day. You need to work in at least 7 hours sleep for you too. Then look at options for how to manage it all - him taking on dinner in evening / laundry / last feed in the evening / getting cleaner etc.

The other option is that he is a just a misognystic twat who wants a 1950s housewife - in that case you need to think seriously about whether you want to take on that role and have that as a model for your own children. I wouldnt!!

Also are you happy with working 3 days a week? Are you happy that your career will always be the lesser career because you are putting in less hours?

If not than you need to go back FT and let his higher income take care of childcare and housekeeping.

You poor thing OP you're not in any way failing! If you're still on maternity leave then your baby is so so young. I'd love to meet the mum's who have it all "together" all of the time at this point (or any point!!)

I'm on maternity leave and I manage by keeping my house simple. I have tried to put "systems" in place for easy housework where possible. I think it's all about making life as easy as possible. As for the sleeping/playing, baby will get there. They all have different levels of need. If I'm cooking, I bring the bouncer in to the kitchen and sing and dance while I make things. It works for now but who knows if it'll work for much longer!

I was a SAHM when my DC were little, while my DH worked long hours in a stressful job. I did see most of the domestic stuff as my role.

However, the huge difference is that my DH valued my role. He didn't criticise or undermine me and he knew that my priority was looking after the DC, not cooking and cleaning.

Your DH sounds like an idiot.

Just in case you need another voice to tell you what I suspect you already know; your husband is a mysogynistic, unsupportive, dillusional arsehole. So yeah, fuck him and the horse he rode in on with his 'role' shite.

I had great intentions and ideas of what maternity leave would be like before my DD came into the world. What I didn't factor in was the hard slog just keeping her alive and well would be. The pre-baby plans for healthy cooking and a nice clean house were the first things to fall by the wayside. This is where my husband stepped in and rightly so; we shared the load. He doesn't want or even deserve a medal, because that's normal behaviour and that's what should happen.

So, what are you going to do about it, OP?

Per cassandras post, when I was on Mat leave I did kind of do those 'things' quite naturally.
BUT I did them out of choice and STBXH helped a lot. The key difference was that it was a team effort and that's how it felt. A baby is wonderful but hard work. We pitched in together. I viewed it as my role to get that stuff done because honestly speaking it was his income that afforded my staying at home for 10 months.

Being made to feel like you are shit at everything when you sound exhausted and overwhelmed is not on at all.

Tips? This is only going to get trickier when you return to work 3 days a week. And it really requires both of you to up your input, because you both will be WOHM.

Tips I can give? Organisation, organisation, organisation. Have bags pre packed (work, nursery bag etc) night before.
Get a cleaner. Preferably one who irons also.
Food delivery service, plan as much as you can and order two weekly/ weekly deliveries.
Stock up freezer with nice ready made meals. I used a store called cook and it was a godsend.

The biggest tip I can give though is to sit your H down and ask how this 'division of labour' is going to work moving forward.
I don't know what childcare you are using but what happens if your DC/ nanny are unwell?
Who takes the time off to cover? Is the expectation going to be that it's you?
Does he still expect you to be able to do all 'your chores' plus WOHM?

He sounds awful, but I think you need to try and bottom this out.
Have you spoken to anyone? You sound a little overwhelmed. . It does get easier as little ones get older. Promise.

Per cassandras post, when I was on Mat leave I did kind of do those 'things' quite naturally.

But I think this is the point. I dont know anyone who on mat leave wouldnt want to keep a spotless house, make healthy organic meals, socialise serenely, pursue hobbies, sort long overdue stuff out - most people do want to do that. No one says "oh great 1 year of ready
Meals, 2 min showers and a messy house".

The problem is you dont know what kind of labour you will
Have / how feeding will go / what kind of baby you will get and
So the best laid plans may have to be set aside in the face of reality. Which is why you need a DH who is not a patronising entitled dick.

I had great intentions and ideas of what maternity leave would be like before my DD came into the world. What I didn't factor in was the hard slog just keeping her alive and well would be.

This, all day long. Keeping upright and soothing, feeding and being a bed for my high strung baby meant that my life whittled down to a nub and housework never really got a look in. I barely clung on to my sense of self in those early months and if I had had your dh I would have been sunk.

Has he had any time at all on his own with your baby? Does he know how tricky it can be to get stuff done? Younger babies often crying a lot needing attention, older babies mobile and hence needing constant supervision if they're not happy to stand in jumperoo etc.
How is your relationship with MIL? Does he have rose-tinted specs? For what it's worth, I think more of our mum's generation had family support when they had their young children. My MIL is no support whatsoever to me and has been most unsympathetic to me when I once let my guard down and cried and said how hard I find having very young kids. It made me feel 100 times better when my own mum told me that she was aware from a conversation with MIL that MIL's own mum was at her house virtually every day when the kids were young. Being on your own all day with one or more littlies is tiring.
But mainly, I'm afraid, your DH is being an unsupportive prick. Being back at work will hopefully give you a change and more confidence in yourself.

Your husband is a vile sexist. He is assigning you a whole list of roles and expectations simply because you have a vagina. Interestingly the roles he assigns himself are far more achievable and absolves him from the shit work. Funny that, isn't it?

Keeping a family going requires teamwork and an approach that supports all members of the family in their day to day life. You are not his employee/ maid/ housekeeper/ and he doesn't get to imply that you are the household dogsbody.

Apparently this is what all mums do. - sez who? Him? The man who will never be a mum? Who will never get the hormones, the breastfeeding tiredness, the overwhelming guilt when you just can;t do it all?

Tell him all decent men support their wives, their b/fing children, their family, by doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning...

My mum had/has oc personality disorder - not the same as OCD. She kept the house spotless, perfect meals , as children we were perfectly groomed et etc - you get the picture. Unfortunately, in order to do this, we were barely breast fed and were completely emotionally neglected - I won't bore you with the results of this sort of "nurturing" on us as young adult women but I can assure you I would have loved to have had a mum like you.

It is not possible to be the way your husband thinks you can be and not emotionally neglect your children. I suspect, from what he says of his mother and his ridiculous opinions, he has been emotionally neglected himself- that doesn't mean it's too late for him to grow and develop, he just needs help (I'm a bit of an optimist). When your baby's a bit older , some counselling could well help him and hopefully there will be possibilities for him to develop more constructive relationship and emotional skills.

Your dh has to lower his standards for cleanliness and cooking.

Frozen food. Takeaways. All fine. This period of your life won't last forever.

Also, a sling.

My second baby would have benefited from being firstborn with n attachment parent. As it is, she spent a lot of time crying while I did the laundry. Etc

There's so many women on MN whose partners haven't evolved from the Stone Age. I don't know any in real life.

As I said to DH the one and only time he commented on the state of the house when I was at home with a high needs ebf baby who took weeks to regain her birthweight: I'm on maternity leave, not house leave. My job at the moment is to take care of the baby. IF I have time I will also do things towards the house, however they will be a bonus, and are not to take priority over the DC. (I could have done a lot more around the house, but only at the expense of DC's health and my mental health; ignoring a baby's cries in order to finish mopping the floor is not how I chose to parent .)

And OP, make sure you know what's going on with the household expenses. That money is family money and you are entitled to know what is coming in and where it is being spent, regardless of who earns it.

That post was not intended to be a comment on a previous post which I hadn't seen. Apologies if it looks like a judgement.

Arrrggh that's awful! You are doing exactly the right thing looking after your baby and not leaving him to cry/grizzle. That's your job. Not the cleaning. Your husband needs to read some research and realise that it's normal for babies to want to be held all the time. It's normal for them not to sleep at night. Even at six months plus. Early independence would be convenient for your husband I'm sure but he's living in a dream world. Please don't feel down. I pretty much stopped doing housework and cooking when my baby was born - my husband did it. Yes, after a day at the office. One person being at home does not make the whole home their responsibility. You work all day looking after baby, he works at the office. When he comes home, work that is left should be shared. If your baby is cared for you are doing a great job and if he can't see that I'm sorry for him.

whisperingseagrass,

Its not you, its him. And no not all mum's do what he suggests they do either. Presumably those ideas have come from his mother.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours does he meet within you?.

You do not so much need coping tips but to see a divorce lawyer instead.

I would also think you will be soon working three days a week as well as keeping house to his current all too high standards. You will be still fully expected to do this by him. Such sexist entitled men like this do not change and likely hold you up to their own mother's standards (he has and will find you wanting on that count as well). I would tell him that you and him are now through.

Do not wait around for the next 3-5 waiting for him to change or have some epiphany because he won't . He acts like this as well because he can and also enjoys wielding the power over you to boot.