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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it the same ..?

29 replies

ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 06:09

My H want to leave me after 24 years. He says that he doesn't consider that he is leaving our children, but he is leaving ME. He doesn't love me anymore (did he ever, I ask?) He swears there is no OW and I can find no trace, but I think only time will tell. He wants us to work something out about the kids. I have really struggled this weekend - I have been really busy with the kids, taking them to friends houses, taking them for a walk, watching films, testing timetables - all the usual. He has barely been here - nothing dodgy, but barely here. It struck me that if he gets what he wants, there will be long empty weekends ahead for me. I am not exactly awash with friends. This really upsets me - my H is saying "well - it is just the same for me." But is it really? He is choosing this and I am not. In fact I am without any agency. I feel so upset and so angry ... Any comebacks when he claims it is the same for him?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 06:19

It doesn't matter what he says - if he wants to leave, he will

Are you worried about being on your own when he has the children? Can you take up a hobby so you get out and meet people, do something just for you?

Original poster
ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 06:27

But such long periods of time to fill with a hobby ... I can't really contemplate new people when I am feeling such a mess. And really, why should he get to set the terms?

OP posts:
Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 06:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorksAreMessy · 22/05/2016 06:47

Time for Project Byron!

Time to get yourself back again and find out who you are
Travel, hobbies, friends, education, fitness, reading, gardening, Languages, write a book, politics...the world is out there
You are not just somebody's wife and somebody's mother. This is an opportunity not a problem

Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 06:52

Well he doesn't get to set the terms, if necessary a court will do it, but it's better if you can agree between you

You won't always feel like this, it will be rough for the first few months or longer, but it will get better

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 22/05/2016 06:55

Oh Byron I really feel for you.

It's so easy to say 'get a hobby' but you must feel heartbroken. I know it's a cliche but do give yourself time to grieve. Xx

CassandraAusten · 22/05/2016 07:19

I agree it's not the same for him at all because he's chosen this and you haven't. His pain is not comparable to yours.

But, unfortunately, there's no clever comeback from you that will make him change his mind or see it from your perspective. At the end of the day, if one person doesn't want to stay married, then that's how it is, no compromise possible.

Flowers for you. Of course you feel upset and angry.

Original poster
ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 07:32

Yes. a complete surprise. Don't think I am some helpless flower sitting around being a wife and mother and nothing else. I have a full time and busy job and I am in the middle of doing a Masters. I also pick up casual work as a photographer and sell my arts photography in a local gallery. I speak pretty good French and am involved in a local society. I also have a dog that I love to bits (and he is so not having the dog) and would love another, which I will sooo be getting when he fucks off as he has always resisted. But none of this is going to anywhere near address the pain of losing my children halftime.

I know that there is no point in trying to get him to change his mind - but is it so wrong to really really wish things to go tits up for him? I have 10 years on you inlaws - what are the chances of someone knocking on the door of 50 moving onto another relationship? - pretty slim I would say. However, it is not about his - my pain is tied up with what I perceive to be the time that he will steal from me in respect of spending time with the kids. I am so hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 07:35

And I am a reserved kind of person living in a tiny community in the middle of nowhere - hence I am not awash with friends. AND I know that this will be hot gossip once it gets out.

OP posts:
Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 22/05/2016 07:36

Did he not give you any warning or chance to try to work on things? Of not, well one reason it's not the same for him is that he's already had plenty of time to plan ahead and process things.

But that's not a suggested comeback. In fact my advice would be not to discuss this subject with him at all any more. Then you won't need comebacks. These conversations will just leave you pissed off, with a load of new insults to think about.

I tried talking to my ex, thinking that at some point there might be an apology or at least recognition that he had fucked up (I found out all about OWs), but at some point he just rolled his eyes and said "We've already discussed this" and I realised I would not get any remorse from him.

It is weird, when you have been together so long, to realise that you are not going to talk things through. But that's a split...

At first I imagined myself just becoming a hermit, but things worked out differently. I had counselling, antidepressants and am in a better place now than during my marriage (now have more friends than before for a start). I'm very glad we are no longer together, and happy about the changes which resulted from the split. It's very early days for you but I hope you end up feeling the same....

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 22/05/2016 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 22/05/2016 07:39

How old are your children?

Original poster
ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 07:41

They are 9. Twins.

OP posts:
springrollsarenotbreakfast · 22/05/2016 07:43

Sorry for you OP. It's a sad situation.

Ive chosen to separate from husband. It's not the same as its being forced on him. And if it's a surprise to you that's really awful.

But just to add, being the one making the decision is still very sad. Losing the life I thought we'd have, losing my family as it is is devastating.

And it's not easy knowing you're responsible for it.

It feels tough that I'm the one recognising this is no longer a healthy relationship and it's not right for our children but I still have the burden of guilt that I'm ruining everyones life.

I don't know if it helps at all to see a different side. Probably not. I think it's just going to be a tough time to get through. I don't want to try undermine your pain.

I have been calm and worry I might look cold to DH but it's because I don't have the right to cry etc. as i've made the choice.

Sorry and I hope you both find a way to make things work, shouldn't be on his terms. Flowers

springrollsarenotbreakfast · 22/05/2016 07:47

Sorry that post isn't really helpful. Sorry and Flowers

category12 · 22/05/2016 07:47

I can only say, the first few times the dc went to the ex for the weekend it was hard. But I enjoy those times now. You get used to it.

ravenmum · 22/05/2016 07:50

Sad Nine ... It does make it harder when they are so young. Shitty situation to be presented with so abruptly.

Original poster
ByronBaby · 22/05/2016 07:56

It's OK springrolls.

I am trying to act like a grown-up. It will need to be amicable so that it's not awful for the kids. But then there are times i feel such violent hatred. Last night I couldn't even breathe the same air as him and once he went to bed, with a smug, holier than thou look on his face, I drove to work and slept in my office (well, I didn't sleep, I lay awake) and then went back home for 6 so that the kids wouldn't know. When I arrived back, he came down the stairs and asked if I had slept on the sofa.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 07:58

When is he leaving? Maybe make it sooner rather than later

ravenmum · 22/05/2016 08:07

Until he leaves can you get him a mattress in another room?

My ex even managed to retain the holier than though attitude after I found out the smutty stuff he did with OW. It's a kind of survival mechanism they have, persuading themselves that they are great and so you must be awful. Rather than everyone being a bit shit sometimes and great at others. The black and white version is far easier to swallow.

CassandraAusten · 22/05/2016 08:14

I agree. This sounds unbearable. Can he move out immediately? When did he tell you all this?

TooSassy · 22/05/2016 08:34

OP

Firstly . Sorry this has come out the blue. As many others have said, given his mind is made up there is nothing you can do.

Yes it's grossly unfair and I can totally see that from yours perspective he gets to set the terms. But if he wants out, he wants out. Re the twins, his default access is automatically 50% / 50%. Plus the more he sees them and stays involved, the better it is for them in all respects.

Do whatever you need to do to process this. It is incredibly heartbreaking. But you need to move on from the anger and quickly and form a plan. Maybe this makes me incredibly logical and cold but getting to a lawyer and knowing my rights (financials/ access) helped me move through the early weeks and months. The mediator was golden and was able to separate some very fraught emotions from the legals. I initiated the split (had no choice) and appeared very cold throughout the first 6 months. I had to stay that way to maintain the courage to press on with the separation/ divorce.

I'm 9 months in. I will say this, the house is a calmer place and I am a happier person. It hasn't been smooth but I'm far happier now (even not seeing my DC's all the time) than when we were all together. You will come through this and you will adjust. As will your DC's, so long as they see you both stay calm and amicable.

Re the gossip? I remember at some level being unhappy enough to contemplate leaving him a few years before our actual split. The thought of what people would say was actually a huge component in my shying away from it. So I recognise your fear in this area. These are my learnings.

  • people care about your life a lot less than you think. Far fewer people actually gossip about it than you think
  • everyone is fearful of something similar happening in their environments. So they actually keep relatively quiet
  • the ones who aren't tactful (and there are some) and have the gall to openly question what happened only deserve one response. Next to
nothing. The less oxygen you give it (so barely give any info), the quicker the fire goes out. My stock response to people outside my inner circle was that it hadn't worked out and for the sake of the children especially, I didn't want to discuss it anymore.

Hope that helps OP.

Boolovessulley · 22/05/2016 09:18

Perhaps it would be best if you told him to leave now.
He has made his decision so it will happen anyway.
It will be awful at first but eventually you will look back and realise that you are better off without him.