Better to keep my son a secret? Or tell the family myself??

[Sudoname]

It is my first time posting on the boards but I need advice and hoping I can get some on here. Sorry it is long winded.

Met my now ex and we were together almost 3 years. He had just broken up with someone as had I so it was more a casual relationship than a committed one. We broke up and a few weeks later I find out I am pregnant which is when he divulges that he actually got back with his previous ex while we were together and she was also pregnant. Gave him the option of being in my sons life and he chose not to be, to stay with the other girl instead. Agreement was that he will meet our child when the child wants to meet him and leave it at that.

Roll on 5 years, my son wants to meet his dad so I get in touch with him and they begin a relationship. They have met perhaps 7/8 times in the past year. My sons dad has since married the other woman and has another child with her but never told her, or anyone for that matter, that he already fathered a child with me. My son is effectively, his dirty little secret. I know I sound like a doormat when I say i have not minded being a single mum to my son but it was easier for me to be on my own with him than drag everything through courts etc over the years and I thought I was doing the right thing by my son from the start.

Roll on again to this year, this month in fact. I find out that not only are my exes relations (sisters, parents etc) living down the road from me (as i said we were casual so i never met any of them) but one of them works with my very close friend and there is a party coming up and ALL of my exes family will be there. My sons family.

My question is, what do i do? Is it right that my son stays a secret? That these people meet him and think he is just another child at a party? Or do I tell one of them? He will not do it. There is no point in advising to advise him to come clean because he is the most incredible liar and charmer I have come across in my life. I could just not go to the party of course and then all this could be avoided but I feel sad for my son that he has grandparents and aunts/cousins etc that live SO so close (we are talking under a ten minute drive) and that he will potentially meet them when he is older in social circles. He will also meet his sisters in the same circles which causes other concerns. I am at a loss here. I genuinely do not know what the right course of action is and if anyone here has been through it and can advise me I would be very grateful. Feel free to ask any further details you think would be helpful with your responses.

Conversely, his mother could try and protect her son by colluding with him (just as the OP did) by trying to deflect or extend the life of the secret.

There's no easier way of doing this, just as there's no way of preventing people thinking bad of the OP. All the OP can do, is withdraw her contribution in keeping the secret.

I didn't say the OP was wrong in encouraging a relationship between her son and his father but colluding in the lie with a liar, was never going to end well for her son. Given her Ex's form, it really shouldn't have been a stretch that the best interests of her son is a priority for this man.

I agree with Madam DS

It's a small work and being a similar age to his half sisters you wouldn't want a case of them getting together in years to come.

It's not acceptable that your son is kept a secret. On another message board I read there was a woman in a similar situation. Except she was most definitely the OW and knew it. She told the father he could not be in her daughter's life unless he told his wife about the affair.

He accepted that and 6 years later he told his wife as he wanted to be in her life and can now start to form a relationship with his DD.

She also kept him updated of progress like you and he never paid CS as that wasn't how it works in their country.

I'll look for the thread and PM you. I think you'll find it useful.

I think you need to differentiate between what is your issue, because as a mum you want to protect your son, what is his issue.

His wife finding out is not your issue, it's his and his to decide what to do about it. His situation is that: He went through a rough patch with his wife, temporarily separated (or not), and made the massive mistake of having unprotected sex with you. You got pregnant and YOU made the choice to keep the baby. He decided not to be involved. He goes on with his life, but in the back of his mind is his son. It doesn't leave him but can't do anything about it. He debates on and on about telling his wife, but then knows that if he does, there is a good chance that she decides to leave him, and since he was no contact, it seems like a pointless move.

Then you get in touch, he is delighted to get to know his son, but then torn apart at what to do. If he tells his wife now, the betrayal will be double as she will question why he didn't say anything much sooner and would be even more likely to leave.

If that happened, the hurt, frustration and anger would likely mean that he would want nothing to do with your son anyway.

My advice is not to rush things. The reality is that he and only he is holding the strings as to what to do with your son. If you take actions to make him face something that he is dreading more than anything, he will highly resent you for it. You also have to respect his family and what finding the truth will do to them.

I would go to that party if you are truly desperate to go and say nothing. Whether his family finds out is his problem, not yours. In the end, either he will finally find the courage to come up with the truth, hoping that they forgive him and stand by him, or he won't and in that case, I expect contact might dwindle as it will become impossible to keep the secret. You have to be prepared to support your child whenever this happens. The sad reality is that this scenario is more likely than that he admits the truth and they all accepts your son as a result, but it's not impossible and obviously, that would be the best outcome all around.

Sounds like an impossible situation. Assuming you can't bear to drop your selfish awful ex out of your ds's life, I think acting selfishly yourself to protect your son is your only realistic course of action.

Sounding out the family by going to the party with or without your son would be a convenient starting point. Unless your ex happens to be there then don't take your ds.

Is your ex likely to drop your ds? In which case you both have a bumpy ride to come. You need to look into how you prepare your ds for that massive disappointment. I'm not sure but surely it happening when he's younger will be better than when he's older.

I wouldn't be rushing to introduce yourself to the family. It is going to come out eventually. Your ex has every interest in keeping it secret. Sounds like such an unbelievable tangle. Is there no getting through to the ex that the reveal would be better handled by him now not accidentally come out in future. Make it clear that you and ds are the weak links here and you aren't going to keep his secret forever.

You need to tell them - the current situation is unsustainable, and it will all come out anyway.

How will your son feel if it comes out a few years down the line, knowing you colluded in keeping him a 'dirty little secret'?

I can totally see why you did it the way you did - however whilst it's easy when they're very little, it will get very complicated - bumping in to him in the street when he's with his family, for example.

Also, your son will start asking questions about his dad's family - not right now maybe, because he's just chuffed to have his dad around at the minute but kids are curious little blighters.

Does your friend who's hosting the party know the situation? Btw, I'm not suggesting the party would be a good time to tell them - it would all be a bit Eastenderish! But maybe she can offer guidance on the best way to approach it.

Have you discussed telling people with your ex? He must realise it's inevitable he will be caught out sooner or later and it will sound much better if he's coming clean rather than getting caught. I would however be making it clear that if he doesn't, you will, even if he threatens to cut contact.

If you tell them this will, in all likelihood, destroy any relationship between your ex and your son.

The only thing we know is that the Ex had sex which resulted in a pregnancy and the birth of a child. He decided not be a part of his child's life and not to tell his gf and now wife. He later accepted the invitation of being in his son's life but still chose (with the help of the child's mother) to keep the relationship a secret. Despite his wife, children, family and 'secret' child all living in close proximity, he still continues lie.

At some point the truth will out and given that this man has lied for over six years and is still, actively maintaining the lie by keeping contact with his son a secret, it's fair to say that he ain't in any hurry to come clean.

This slow moving train wreck of poor choices and self interest will reach a conclusion. It's up to the OP wether she leaves it entirely in the hands of a man who (up until now) has shown no interest in taking responsibility for his past and present day lies and the impact of those lies on his wife, family and children.

At the centre of this is a little boy whose parents behaviour has made his existence an unexploded grenade in the lives of so many others.

I wouldn't say anything. I don't think you will need to. Either someone will see how much alike they look or your son will see he is dad and go up to him. Secret will likely come out on its own and it will not be your doing.

I had to go to bed last night and have a lot on today but wanted to come back on to say thank you for so many viewpoints on this. Some are things I had not thought of myself and will be worthwhile thinking about when my son is in bed this evening. I will come back later and have another look at replies. Its all so hard because i think no matter what at this point, my son is going to get hurt but I am starting to realise that while i thought i was protecting him, i actually may have made things worse in the long run. I do really appreciate the honesty of the replies even though one or two have stung a bit but thats the good thing about asking strangers for advice :)

Linda thanks for the pm will have a look at it tonight.

I've just thought of something else. Imagine if none of this comes out until your DS's dad is on his deathbed. Imagine if there's an estate to be settled. Surely your son would be entitled to some of that as his father's heir? IME family secrets only get harder and harder to keep. I'd still advise telling the truth - maybe your friend can help you with breaking the news?

Half sisters of a similar age? Genetic sexual attraction is a real (and horrifying) possibility if they're going to be at school together.

The truth will set you free...

I would go to the party. Id also have a conversation with your ex, without ultimatums, about how this will appear if it goes public. Contact in your own home is open to all sorts of salacious interpretation from people with more time than sense. You don't want your son to experience that. I would be asking for child maintenance if you haven't already.

There are many ways this could do - it could be fine. You could end up dealing with an extended family who are abusive.

Realistically, if you're son looks a lot like his father, people will notice

So this man is coming alone to your house to spend time with his son? sooner or later someone will spot him and you will be accused of having an affair.

Or you and your son will meet him out somewhere and he will call him daddy .

Or your son will ask to go to his house or ask why you can't all spend Christmas/ holidays together.

So it's impossible to keep this secret forever - he needs to tell his family now . And he needs to start financially supporting his child. And taking him out places when he has access, not just sitting in your house .

Just a small update - the secret is out.

I did not go to the party but i was at another party a few days later and his cousin was there - I did not know she was his cousin just to add. I was talking to a friend of hers who is also my own friend and knows the whole background. The mutual friend had a few drinks on her and the cousin made a comment about how my son looked very alike to her cousin then our drunk friend asked his name and pretty much gave the game away. It was quite awkward. Anyway the next day I got a phonecall from my exes wifes sister who said she had found out all about my son and wanted to hear the full details from me so I answered all of her questions and Friday I got an email from him simply saying ' everyone now knows'. I have not responded to him, I have no idea what to even say to him at this point. I am leaving him and his wife and their families to deal with this and IF they get in touch i will update but for now, my son is no longer a secret and being honest, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks for coming back to update us, I was wondering how it was going . It was just a matter of time I think, before it all came out .

I'm glad you are feeling better about it all and I hope this makes things easier for you and especially for your little boy .

I think so too, it really was always going to come out and to be honest it gets harder to cover up someone elses lie the longer it goes on. I have no idea what the future holds but I will protect my son all the way. I really feel so bad for his wife right now though. I cannot imagine what she is going through. How could you get over something like this? Its unfathomable.

Thanks for the update. Glad your son is no longer a secret.

FINAL UPDATE! All very positive :)

Yesterday myself, himself and his wife met up. We sat down, discussed things and the outcome of it all is that they BOTH would like a relationship with my son and want him to meet and bond with his sisters. It was such a postitive meeting, I am a little bit in awe of his wife and how strong she is but she agrees my son should not be a secret and should be treated the same as the other children. The kids will meet up in the coming weeks for a playdate and hopefully they will get on well and it will set a precedent for life. Thank you all for your input, it has been invaluable on this very emotional journey.

His wife does sound fabulous. I hope it continues to go well.

Lovely update

I have been following the thread and what a lovely update from you op. His wife sounds great and I am sure you will realise how very, very difficult this will have been for her. I have a grandson in a similar situation and I wish the paternal family were like this because they are absolutely horrible people. Good luck to you and more importantly your son.

What a lovely update and what a lucky boy to have you all supporting him together.
I hope it all works out ok x

Wonderful news, OP. I'm so glad

Fantastic OP.