He's shattered my world, how can I cope?

[tobbay]

We had a love at first sight relationship and prided ourselves on the fact that from the second "we just knew". We were the same person, same type of parent, same interests, the connection was unbelievable, great sex, total and utter love, soul mates.

We did do everything pretty fast because the feelings were so intense so integrated our boys (2 each), said I love you, thought moving in together etc...

3 weeks ago he proposed. Not just a fleeting thought... he'd planned it for months, made loads of pictures and things (he's an artist) and sent it all to a woman, hired a beach hut as the beach is my favourite place to be, then planned a local restaurant to bring us breakfast and coffee after he'd done it... It was amazing! 1 week ago his first text was "you are my first and last thought and everything in between. Can't wait for our weekend to start to show you how much I love you". That's how most of our texts were and they carried on through the day. By 6pm he'd ignored me which was unusal and to cut the story short by 10.pm I was so worried I went round and he said he was having feelings for his ex girlfriend (not the boys mum) and from then he cut me off his phone, Facebook everything.

I can't tell you how devastated and shocked and hurt to my core I am. We were perfect and blissfully happy.

Apparently this ex had emailed to say she missed him, he asked advice on something to do with his son and then carried on messaging her to the point he thought she was a better bet.

He ignored me amm Thursday night and Fri but came to see me sat and said he was worried about the four boys living together and that he had feelings for her as it was easier and more relaxed. I spent the weekend distrught and crying, haven't eaten or slept. He emailed to say he would think alot.

Monday he emailed saying sorry I panicked, we have an amazing thing, could I go round Tuesday night which I did. He promised me he wasn't in touch with the ex.

Tuesday night we talked about slow g ot all diwn and just seeing each on our boy free weekends and just enjoying us rather than the steps of moving house and making our family's combine quickly. He kissed and cuddled me and told me he was scared of losing me and that he loves me. The next day we were going to get a plan together although he was still saying he wasn't sure if he wanted his ex.
Next morning he emailed yo say he hadn't been truthful and he had met up with her and been messaging her and he can't give me what I want.
I kept trying to say but look what we had, it was nothing compared to his marriage or ex as his ex wife told me (we are friends).

I kerp contacting him saying I don't get it and why wont he try as he said he's feels he may be having a mini breakdown so I'm willing to stand by him.
Yesterday he said he can't turn his emotions and he still has feelings gs for me and he hasn't gone back to and isn't with this woman.

I said so why arent we together? Why can't we start again and date, just us?

His reply was "I don't know!"

That's the last contact. But I so desperately want to email and say if you haven't gone back to your ex let's try. We are worth fighting for but I have said that numerous times already.

What do I do? I am hurting like you wouldn't believe, I thought our live together was forever and it was so out the blue I just wasn't expecting it. I miss him dreadfully... I want him back...

Is me contacting him pushing him away? Should I stop all contact and let him miss me? I'm scared if I do he'll not miss me and go to her or someone else. I hate not seeing his name on my phone or seeing him. It's killing me and I don't know how to cope. I've turned into the woman who begs and has no self respect but ant help it. He was my soul mate and I love him...

Please help and give advice on where to go from here x

I've been there. Once. The pain, oh my word, the shock and pain. I was a little bit off my rocker for a while there, a total headfuck.

The twat who did this to me buggered off into the sunset with someone else the next day. Cut me dead as if I'd never existed.

The best advice I was given in that time of turmoil was not to beg or grovel or try to make him see what he was throwing away. Dignified silence. No matter how hard it is - dignity & silence.

About 5 years later, he contacted me out of the blue - full of apologies - & tried to start it all again.

Like fuck!! At that point I finally had the pleasure of calmly telling him exactly what I thought of him. :)

From what I hear he's still doing it, over & over & over again. He's toxic, an emotional terrorist.

Look up Narcisisstic Personality Disorder, see if it rings any bells. ...

tobbay I am so sorry to hear you're going through this, I can empathise completely as I'm going through something similar. I was with my now XP for 15 months when he pulled an almighty heartless stunt (he'd asked me and DS to move in with him as we were given notice to leave our rented accommodation only to change his mind and leave me facing the possibility of losing my son and becoming homeless) and I foolishly gave him another chance last week. He has let me down (not called when he said he would, not turned up when he promised to) 3 times in a week.
Please cut him loose. I also feel that I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone again or if I want to but I know I have to look after myself now. Please do that, look after yourself. He is not worthy of you.

Tobbay - you are doing really well. Just know that however awful you feel now, it will pass. No way can you give him an inch. Don't contact him about the holiday or anything. Is it really worth it after all he's done? He will make contact - I more or less guarantee it (he sounds exactly like the twunt I've just wasted 2 years on who tried to get me to do the 'pick me dance' nearly 2 weeks ago now - I walked away and have been NC and despite all the hurt, the self respect is so worth it, I promise).

Anyway, he sounds like. Narcissist and he will make contact. Wait til he does, stone wall all apologies or emotional bullshit and then ask for your watch back and payment for his share of the holiday. But do not, do not get sucked in by any bull shit. What he had done is unforgivable and how would you ever trust him again after that? Just remind yourself, it sucks to be him - an emotional terrorist with no real feelings. Being you is much better but you have to get away from this total and utter bastard. X

I think you might be in the throes of a relationship with a narcissist. The intense romance, the overblown gestures, the grand plans etc., followed by cheating and the silent treatment, are classic signs. If you are, it will only get worse, not better. Google narcissism, and if it strikes a chord, pick up your kids and run for the hills. Go no contact, and don't get him talk you into going back.

Such brilliant advice and insight from everyone. Op you have had a very lucky escape and please put your dc first for a while now as you may have been emotionally distant to them throughout all this.

They need good role models in their lives not a poor male role model like this who upsets their mum and tells lies.

I think getting your watch back and deciding what to do will send the message that you are done with being messed around and that you want to put a line under things and move on.

Can you get the holiday money back?

I suspect at best you'll loose some of the money if you don't go.

He's not the man you need in your life. Too flaky.

OP, what are you doing?! Stop messaging him, stop letting him come over, stop meeting up with him. You have all of the information you need and more to equip you to make a very straightforward decision about this. I know how painful it is, but there will be a lot more of it heading your way if you continue to play a role in this man's circus

He's a player and an asshole.

Move on. You are so much more worth than this shit of a man...

Hi Thanks for all your advice...

I never see the conclusion to any of these posts so thought I would let everyone know that this morning, after telling me 1 day ago How much he was hurting and that it shouldn't be like this and that he wanted to meet me this Friday, he emailed to say he didn't think it was a good idea. That was the last straw... He continually played with my emotions and I found some strength somewhere and ended it all, told him he has lost oit and he's a liar and not worth my time and that's it now, no more contact. I'm nowhere near over it but that knot is my stomach is not as bad x

Tobbay! I'm sorry you've had to deal with such a shit, and I hope you're feeling some semblance of control returning. That response will have made him jump out of his skin, believe me, he won't have been expecting that at all.

But now the NC. You know this is necessary.

Keep posting every time you feel the need to contact him or reply to anything subsequent he sends (not easy, but I think you've given yourself a massive headstart by telling him to fuck off).

tobbay that must have been so incredibly difficult, well done to you to doing the right thing for you

It was but it was needed. I couldn't live like that anymore xx

well done op!

Well done tobbay, you are doing the right thing. Now delete his number and block him.Takes a while to get over shit like this, but I can pretty much guarantee that in a couple of months you will be feeling so much better.
Onwards and upwards x

Well done on regaining your life and dignity, albeit with some degree of pain. See what you can salvage of the holiday for yourself and dc? Or by way of a refund?

Be prepared to reject him a few more times because his flimsy mind might not actually understand there really is a wall around you, blocking his way. He might think to play Romeo and scale that wall. Get ready to push him off it with determination.

What did you mean about not seeing the conclusion to posts? Do you have a screen display problem?

slugs leave slime, they can't help it. You and your dc deserve soo much better than what he can ever offer and thank goodness you know that now.

No doubt he'll try and crawl his way back into your lives but don't let him near. Find your protective tiger mum instinct and protect your dc from ever having such a low life example of a male in their lives.

Well done! I know it's tough but this is 100% the best thing for you - stick to it.

You're doing yourself a massive favour.

Well done OP.

Just remember you only "knew" him for 140 days. That's nothing at all.

well done OP!! positive action
He is NOT worth the headspace.
it must feel satisfying to end it and have called the shots

He didn't do it to his ex wife, in fact he was a bit under the thumb. And the ex... I think it was a very causal, on/off thing

But presumably you only know what he's told you about his former relationships, so this is very possibly all BS.

He sound like a pretentious fantasist, and, quite frankly, a major twat. Be thankful that you found this out so early on, before you'd invested more time and emotion in it.

I agree with the above post, you only have his version of past events and he's not the most reliable witness is he?
Realistically he was never going to say "I was a nob and that's why my wife left me"...
My ex told me initially that his first marriage failed as they "married too young", his second " she did a runner for no reason" and his third " they grew apart"…I found out much later that he walked out on wife number one and 4year old kid (didn't see her again until she was 20), second wife did indeed do a runner when he was at work, had been moving her stuff out bit by bit so he didn't notice, getting her ducks in a row and escaping when she could, and marriage number three failed when he developed a serious drug habit and ran up thousands of poundsworth of debt....and he even had the cheek to be indignant when wife3 threw him out and changed the locks!
So just a slight difference in his version of events and reality....and I wouldn't have touched him with a bargepole if I had know the truth...
So glad you got away from this one. Lucky escape x

Well done tobbay, can we have a hand hold? I've just had XP on the phone and had to tell him that it's over, again. It's so difficult as he was quite convincing in his protestations of love and I felt weak for crying but I know it's the best thing to do and I'm glad you do too.

Oh dear, you've done the right thing - sounds like he gets off on the drama of the Big Romance, star crossed lovers etc etc. Just keep reminding yourself that you've dodged a bullet.

Sounds familiar. I had one of those; " you are the one" types.
He is a drama llama. I knew one and he fucked me up good and proper.
My exes mom did warn me tbh, and my mates were a bit " cautious" .
Cut your losses OP. He was "a paper moon sailing over a cardboard sea."
Try to picture it in the two dimensional frame he saw it as.
I'm sorry for the way things have turned out.
You are special and deserve to meet a lovely man , a real 3 dimensional man who doesn't make empty promises and isn't perfect in every way.
There are so many nice decent uncomplicated men in this world. They won't promise you the Earth , but you will know when you meet a good 'un.
Take care xx