He's shattered my world, how can I cope?

[tobbay]

We had a love at first sight relationship and prided ourselves on the fact that from the second "we just knew". We were the same person, same type of parent, same interests, the connection was unbelievable, great sex, total and utter love, soul mates.

We did do everything pretty fast because the feelings were so intense so integrated our boys (2 each), said I love you, thought moving in together etc...

3 weeks ago he proposed. Not just a fleeting thought... he'd planned it for months, made loads of pictures and things (he's an artist) and sent it all to a woman, hired a beach hut as the beach is my favourite place to be, then planned a local restaurant to bring us breakfast and coffee after he'd done it... It was amazing! 1 week ago his first text was "you are my first and last thought and everything in between. Can't wait for our weekend to start to show you how much I love you". That's how most of our texts were and they carried on through the day. By 6pm he'd ignored me which was unusal and to cut the story short by 10.pm I was so worried I went round and he said he was having feelings for his ex girlfriend (not the boys mum) and from then he cut me off his phone, Facebook everything.

I can't tell you how devastated and shocked and hurt to my core I am. We were perfect and blissfully happy.

Apparently this ex had emailed to say she missed him, he asked advice on something to do with his son and then carried on messaging her to the point he thought she was a better bet.

He ignored me amm Thursday night and Fri but came to see me sat and said he was worried about the four boys living together and that he had feelings for her as it was easier and more relaxed. I spent the weekend distrught and crying, haven't eaten or slept. He emailed to say he would think alot.

Monday he emailed saying sorry I panicked, we have an amazing thing, could I go round Tuesday night which I did. He promised me he wasn't in touch with the ex.

Tuesday night we talked about slow g ot all diwn and just seeing each on our boy free weekends and just enjoying us rather than the steps of moving house and making our family's combine quickly. He kissed and cuddled me and told me he was scared of losing me and that he loves me. The next day we were going to get a plan together although he was still saying he wasn't sure if he wanted his ex.
Next morning he emailed yo say he hadn't been truthful and he had met up with her and been messaging her and he can't give me what I want.
I kept trying to say but look what we had, it was nothing compared to his marriage or ex as his ex wife told me (we are friends).

I kerp contacting him saying I don't get it and why wont he try as he said he's feels he may be having a mini breakdown so I'm willing to stand by him.
Yesterday he said he can't turn his emotions and he still has feelings gs for me and he hasn't gone back to and isn't with this woman.

I said so why arent we together? Why can't we start again and date, just us?

His reply was "I don't know!"

That's the last contact. But I so desperately want to email and say if you haven't gone back to your ex let's try. We are worth fighting for but I have said that numerous times already.

What do I do? I am hurting like you wouldn't believe, I thought our live together was forever and it was so out the blue I just wasn't expecting it. I miss him dreadfully... I want him back...

Is me contacting him pushing him away? Should I stop all contact and let him miss me? I'm scared if I do he'll not miss me and go to her or someone else. I hate not seeing his name on my phone or seeing him. It's killing me and I don't know how to cope. I've turned into the woman who begs and has no self respect but ant help it. He was my soul mate and I love him...

Please help and give advice on where to go from here x

This is the thing... He didn't do it to his ex wife, in fact he was a bit under the thumb. And the ex... I think it was a very causal, on/off thing. So why do this to me?

Blimey - stop discussing anything. Delete and block. The red flags were there from day one. Who cares about the ex, of whoever else he is in love with this week. He is a git. Find your self respect and go no contact with him immediately.

Oh god I've had a couple of relationships like this. Not for yonks mind; its more of a teenage type thing.

But at any age, the rule of "the quicker they fall in love the quicker they fall out" seems to hold true.

Men like this don't have "real" feelings; they gat carried away with the idea of the big passion/deep love etc. All very silly of them and I doubt he intended to hurt you (being generous) but do yourself a favour and bin him off.

Four and a half months love. Come on, I've had longer colds. He's a silly shallow man and you have your boys to think of. Chalk it up to experience and walk away.

5 months and you were thinking of getting engaged and moving in? Come on. It sounds like he's been love-bombing you and that's why you're so off balance now.

Unfortunately he's only capable of a short-term, shallow type of love. It might look deep and meaningful but it's only reflecting what's on the surface.

My ex was a bit like this. He only ever wanted what he hadn't got. Once he was with me he kept hankering after his ex, despite telling me it was a crap marriage and he had no idea why they had been together. After he left me (for a different ex!) he then started texting me afterwards saying he'd made a mistake and he was so unhappy, blah blah blah.

I replied "Sucks to be you!" You could learn from my example. Right now you're chucking your dignity out the window with every text. Go silent. If it's meant to be, he'll come back. But by that time, you may have come out of your lust-coma and realised he's a waste of space anyway...

He's telling you what he needs to to keep you waiting in the wings.

He did the same thing when you went round... and it's the same this time. He says he was wrong, he doesn't have feelings for her, he wants it to work, can you go over... and you run over and dote on him, keep him company, generally give him a good evening. And then in the cold light of day, he goes back to her.

He's counting on the fact that he's created enough of an illusion that you love him and you'll take any amount of crap. And you've said yourself that you are - you want him back. The hardest part of this will be ignoring that.

Don't stop talking to him to let him miss you, stop talking to him because you're worth more. He will prove you right, and run off to someone else when he gets bored. Maybe her, if she'll have him, maybe someone else that he can mirror just like he did with you, and start a whirlwind with. It doesn't matter. He just wants multiple women to adore him, to love him enough that he can behave in any way that he wants and know that he's wanted everywhere. He doesn't want a true love and a relationship and a family with you and all of your combined children. He wants Romeo and Juliet, forbidden love, falling fast and leaving everyone heartbroken. He wants the drama and the pain and the rawness.

You need to move on. It'll hurt whenever you do it but if you don't do it this time, it'll be next time he's bored and goes out to find that excitement. You could be married then, or living together, and he could hurt your sons. However many months he manages to go without hurting you, you'll know that it's coming. You'll never be able to trust him again.

Cut all contact. Prepare yourself for him to send you monologues of his pain and Shakespeare sonnets and sing to you through the window, because unfortunately he's probably going to be more interested whilst you're fulfilling his need for drama. Be strong. You don't need him, and neither do your sons.

So why do this to me?

He did it because you let him; you fell for him hook, line and sinker, and you were more than willing to let your heart part company from your head.

Think of it as a learning curve; a lesson in not giving your heart away lightly. You had a mad fling which was immensely enjoyable while it lasted, but now it's over you should be relieved to be back on terra firma and fully in charge of your destiny again.

Have you noticed this man just cares about himself?

He has traumatized you but you are still worrying about him and considering nursing him through his "nervous breakdown".

Please PLEASE run for the hills. You have had a lucky escape. Stay with him and continue to be head-fucked. It was fun while it lasted, now you realise you are not Alice in Wonderland in the real world this man will just cause you a lifetime of pain.

Thanks everyone. Have you ever been in the situation where if it was a friend I'd be saying the same thing and I know I'm worth more but the act of cutting toes completely is harder than it seems. Especially illy when someone has told you " you complete me, I've never felt like this, I love you so much it hurts etc etc" and planned a whole future with you and then ripped it all away. I'm still reeling and adjusting to being on my own and possibly never findng love or aan I can trust ever. It's hard

It just hurts so bad that our whole world and plans have been ripped away from me when there was NO sign of anything apart from love and commitment

It's incredibly painful and so hard to believe when you're inside the madness. But, if you stuck with this mess, you'd get more and more signs, believe me. Don't put yourself through that. (And yes, we all got told similar things, it's like they all bought the same book.)

I'm with Resilience, I wasted 18 months on my feeble chancer. I suppose it was good in a way because I never hit such a total wall of pain, I just became slowly disillusioned and eventually pissed off. But that was obviously at a time cost. If you can pull yourself out of this emotional tailspin now, you've only lost 5 months.

Stop interacting with him now, don't tell him or you'll create drama, just stop doing it. Come and post here if you have the urge to contact him. In fact block his number and whatsapp or whatever else you use - this is amazingly calming when you know they can't contact you. But I promise you you will some day regret every message with emotional content you send him now. Every single one.

If it helps, tell yourself the cutting contact is not forever, it's just to get you some space. I think you will be amazed at how much more in control you feel within a few days. It is literally something chemical that's happening to your brain right now, and getting through it is something like withdrawal - but it can be done.

Also, I guess you'll have to do some work on the whole longing for true love thing. It's a healthy instinct in moderation but taken too far makes one vulnerable to exactly these sorts of men. But that's for another day

Been there, got the tee shirt.

My friends reckon he is bipolar.
It's been over 15months since he dumped me (badly, a third time) and yet hardly a day goes past and I don't wish I had him near me. My heart would have him back in the blink of an eye.

My head however tells me he was mean to me and about my son, and I could never ever take him back. It's this but that hurts more than anything.

I can't give you a magic wand, cos if I had one I'd be waving it around so fast I'd take off.

Time love. All I can say.

I try dating, it's going through the motions, but it keeps me busy. I can't think I'll ever love anyone as I did him.

But it was not real. It would have destroyed me and ruined my life and that of my son.

I'm sorry Hissy

I've been through this, twice

It's a massive headfuck.

You will get over it and you will trust again. But you will be much more cautious and if you have any sense at all, you will learn from this and never again fall for a shallow man's pretty words !

Stop doing the pick me dance.

If he can't decide between you and another woman then it isn't the great love he professed it to be.

Cut him off. Block him and go no contact.

He had his chance. Then a second. Then a third.

He is keeping you dangling with words while his actions show complete disrespect for you and no care for your feelings.

He is not worth it.

There are lots of red flags here from day 1.

Don't engage with him.

You'll cope. He was in your life for a very short time. You coped without him for your entire life before you met him so after a few months with him around, you'll cope without him again.

I really feel for you, it's awful to be hurt like this - but you really must listen to the advice here and try to accept that you should not contact or engage with him. You're only opening yourself up to more pain and prolonging the inevitable.

You just don't go from being in love and proposing to such indecision - his ex contacted him was enough to spark all this and you said yourself that she was a casual on/off type thing? Puts it into perspective if you think how little it took for him to walk away from you.

I'm really sorry, I know that sounds harsh but I've also been here and he really doesn't mean what he says.

Oh, and you will drive yourself mad trying to understand why and make done sense of it - but there isn't any sense, it's just a man getting attention and not thinking about your feelings.

Can I add stop asking yourself why he is behaving in the way he is, and start asking yourself why you picked a man like this. It is hard and painful to look inward and question the choices you make, but that's what they are, choices. I was oblivious (or chose to ignore) the fact that I deliberately (if subconsciously) picked wronguns and then wondered why it inevitably went tits up.
I'm not saying that anyone in an abusive relationship deserves to be in one, but I am saying you can chose to see the signs and try to avoid the heartache, or you can jump from one disaster to the next if that is your default setting.
I have finally at the grand old age of 49 realised there is a pattern, and that it is within my power not to choose someone loopy next time round!
Do the Freedom course, it will help you avoid another toxic relationship x

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but your entire post has red flag written all over it.

Best case scenario, he's the kind of person who can fall in love quickly, which also often means falling out of love just as quick.

Realistically, it sounds like it was all just telling you what you wanted to hear. The fact you believed it all suggests that his methods of wooing you were exactly what you were looking for.

It must be awful for you, but you really need to cut him adrift and move on. Honestly, I also think you need to question why you were ready to move a man and his children in with you and your children after a few short months. I'm afraid yours is a cautionary tale that proves that while you can feel like you really know someone within a few months, the reality is that you know very little about who each other is on a fundamental level.

The more you keep jumping when he calls, the worse he's likely to treat you.

OP I don't have much in the way of constructive advice but I really, really feel for you and I think he has treated you atrociously. But I totally get how disappointing and what a complete shock it is :( to find out that you don't know this person very well, too. and it's so so hard to get all worked up anxiously waiting ages for a message and then not forget all of that and reply immediately when you finally get one.
How dare he ignore you! Time to get angry I think, no? It's so rude and just says 'we will deal with this in my way and I am controlling the situation'. He is not taking care of your feelings, he's not imagining what you're going through or hurting because you're hurting. You have done nothing wrong so he shouldn't be ignoring you. I could understand if he was justifiably angry or something, but keeping you in limbo like this is cruel.
I watched Gilmore Girls as therapy (esp Rory and the wallowing ep!)....and lots of sleep...talked to people for their perspective and also just sympathy (do lean on your friends at this point)...and went to the charity shop to buy cheap thrillers and chick lit so I could escape for an hour at a time.
I do feel better now after two weeks, please hang in there and know you'll will move past this stage.
I feel really bad for you I am sorry my lovely x

Stop op, he's a manipulative twat, enjoying pulling your strings because he knows you'll respond like a kicked puppy.
He doesn't give a toss about you or your feelings, he's enjoying watching you suffer.
It is very painful but believe me, you're in love with love and a false image.

Love bombing is a massive red flag for relationships that become abusive in the future - I would say you had a very lucky escape!

Thank you for your understanding. It hurts so bad. But yes, how DARE he ask me yesterday to meet him and then cut all contact.
I want to send one final email tying up loose ends as we have a holiday booked so need to sort that out and he has my running watch, is that acceptable on all your valued opinions? I have never had this happen before so am acting with my emotions rather than head. Also I don't want him thinking "haha, I cut all ties and ended it" I want him to know I've ended it because I don't want him

Let's just leave it that you're not going to send any such email this week. You need the time alone. When is the holiday booked for? The critical thing is that you can't allow yourself any sneaky hopes that the email will prompt any revelation that it's all been a giant misunderstanding and he does want you after all. Because if you go down that road it'll lead to more of the same.

Wait till you've had a few days alone, at your own pace, and then decide what to do about the money/stuff. You might need to think about e.g. asking a friend to go round and collect the watch.

I think you're doing amazingly