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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to be upset and miserable about selfish husband?

43 replies

Laurajay84 · 20/05/2016 19:06

To start off, let me say that my husband is a good person and I know that he loves me and the boys....he is just extremely selfish, so seems like he doesn't care most of the time and it is making me progressively more and more miserable.

I am a SAHM to our 3 year old twin boys who are gorgeous but can be a handful at times. My husband works 9-6 most days and will come home and barely speak to me, won't ask me about our day, etc. He is home for about an hour before the boys go to bed, yet he doesn't play with them at all or even speak to them. Sometimes I will go upstairs to get some chores done when he gets home and downstairs will be silent - no talking whatsoever... To say I find his behaviour with the boys strange is an understatement....I feel guilty for them not having a better daddy. Sad

Most of the time he is to be found in the kitchen googling on his phone or whatever. He will never do anything unless he is asked to do it....and if I didn't do things then quite frankly nothing would get done.

Once the boys are in bed he is in a mad rush to get back downstairs to do something terrible important i.e. watching tv and falling asleep on the sofa. He never wants to spend any time with me unless he wants something Hmm.

He will go out for the day and tell me he'll be home at a certain time only to turn up two hours late and no explanation, he doesn't even think it matters.

I am becoming increasingly miserable with his lack of effort and selfishness...I have bought it up in the past but nothing changes, so it seems pointless. He just really couldn't care less....he didn't even bother to buy me a Christmas present last year because I mentioned in passing that I didn't need anything Hmm.

I just don't know what to do anymore - I'm at a complete loss....

OP posts:
Dozer · 20/05/2016 19:09

LTB?

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 19:09

if I had a pound for every woman that said "my husband is a good X, Y Z but ...."

I would be a millionaire

Original poster
Laurajay84 · 20/05/2016 19:14

That's the thing though....if you met him you'd think he was a really nice guy, and he is, but he also would make more effort for a complete stranger than for me Hmm

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 20/05/2016 19:14

Why are you with him? Sounds horrid..

Peppapogstillonaloop · 20/05/2016 19:15

So what is people think he is nice, he clearly isn't!

Original poster
Laurajay84 · 20/05/2016 19:20

It's been this way for a loooonng time, so I suppose this is just a normal way of life for me now.

OP posts:
Buttons23 · 20/05/2016 19:25

That's awful, he doesn't sound like he hasn't anything good going for him at all. I have a 2 year old and when my oh comes in, he runs up to his dad and gives him a big hug. They then play together and oh spends some real time with him. Not sure I could be with a man who completely ignored his children, let alone you.

Time for a real serious chat with him.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2016 19:27

Why would you put up with this behaviour? Have you never tackled him on it?

PhloppysFonics · 20/05/2016 19:28

I can relate in some way. I think you need to sit down and be clear about what you need eg quality time. Otherwise in years from now there will no redeeming features of your relationship. There needs to be a little more give on his part.

If he is unwilling or incapable of changing then you perhaps need to consider a future without him in it.

Flowers
AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 19:38

why do you care what other people think ? They are not living your life.

SoddingPufflers · 20/05/2016 19:39

He doesn't sound very nice. Mine is older now and it all goes in a blur, but I remember early days of him coming home from work, taking the baby, running me a bath then bringing me a g&t whilst he chatted to the baby and started the dinner. He carried on much in that respect of doing his bit round the house and equal childcare. He's not mr perfection by any means, but our relationship is built on joint enterprise. I would hate selfish behaviour like this. It makes me cross.

buckingfrolicks · 20/05/2016 23:45

How's he a good person?

Cakecakebaby · 20/05/2016 23:48

Why are you with him? Doesn't sound very nice?

Hillfarmer · 20/05/2016 23:49

I agree. How can he be a 'good person' and 'extremely selfish' at the same time? They are mutually exclusive qualities. If he is extremely selfish then you ain't married to a good person. You are making excuses for an arsehole. Sorry.

icedcherrytea · 20/05/2016 23:55

He is a lazy selfish dick. You are a single mum existing with a male stranger in your home.

Time for a serious chat with him. Shape up or ship out.

Pigeonpost · 21/05/2016 00:00

He sounds like an absolute cocklodger. DH and I often pass like ships in the night and he normally pisses me right off when he is here but he always steps up to the mark with the kids and makes the effort to play with/chat to them.

SeemsLegit · 21/05/2016 00:01

You say you know he loves you and your sons...well it certainly doesn't sound much he likes you much let alone loves you. He definitely doesn't sound like a good person

ouryve · 21/05/2016 00:02

My DH has a lot of aspergers tendencies and really dies need some no people time, so i can deal with silence after work it suits the boys, who both have ASD, down to the ground, so long as they're not locked in a battle.

I can also deal with his late evenings when he hardly says a word. I relate to that totally - it's a strong family trait, it turns out.

But, you know what? he pulls his weight with the mundane kid stuff. That mundane kid stuff has extended to a far greater age than typical, on account of the boys' SN, but he mucks in with baths, refereeing and all that. If he just buggered off upstairs, for hours, after work, I'd have made his life such a misery that he'd have cleared off and left us to it, for a quiet life, long ago.

It's not just you your h is not engaging with, it's his own children. He needs a flick on the nose for that.

BubblingUp · 21/05/2016 00:11

He sounds emotionally checked out from his wife, kids, family life. He needs to check back in or it's time to LTB.

MistressDeeCee · 21/05/2016 01:07

To start off, let me say that my husband is a good person and I know that he loves me and the boys

REALLY? This is how you describe a man who behaves as he does?

He clearly isn't that good a person and I hope you can eventually just admit that to yourself and then think through what you may want to do about all this

LellyMcKelly · 21/05/2016 01:14

Has he always been like this? If not, could things like unexplained absences suggest he could be having an affair/ gambling addiction etc.

RiceCrispieTreats · 21/05/2016 06:40

He is not a good person. He is selfish, doesn't care for you, and has no desire to change.

You get to choose between more of the same misery, or leaving him. Those ARE your choices, since you can't change other people.

Justnapping · 21/05/2016 06:57

I couldn't deal with this. So disrespectful and sounds like a miserable life for you. And your twins

hesterton · 21/05/2016 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/05/2016 07:04

To start off, let me say that my husband is a good person

How?

By appearing friendly to people who don't know him very well?

That's not my definition of a 'good person'. Not by a long shot. I suspect it's not really yours, either.

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