AIBU to be upset and miserable about selfish husband?

[Laurajay84]

To start off, let me say that my husband is a good person and I know that he loves me and the boys....he is just extremely selfish, so seems like he doesn't care most of the time and it is making me progressively more and more miserable.

I am a SAHM to our 3 year old twin boys who are gorgeous but can be a handful at times. My husband works 9-6 most days and will come home and barely speak to me, won't ask me about our day, etc. He is home for about an hour before the boys go to bed, yet he doesn't play with them at all or even speak to them. Sometimes I will go upstairs to get some chores done when he gets home and downstairs will be silent - no talking whatsoever... To say I find his behaviour with the boys strange is an understatement....I feel guilty for them not having a better daddy.

Most of the time he is to be found in the kitchen googling on his phone or whatever. He will never do anything unless he is asked to do it....and if I didn't do things then quite frankly nothing would get done.

Once the boys are in bed he is in a mad rush to get back downstairs to do something terrible important i.e. watching tv and falling asleep on the sofa. He never wants to spend any time with me unless he wants something .

He will go out for the day and tell me he'll be home at a certain time only to turn up two hours late and no explanation, he doesn't even think it matters.

I am becoming increasingly miserable with his lack of effort and selfishness...I have bought it up in the past but nothing changes, so it seems pointless. He just really couldn't care less....he didn't even bother to buy me a Christmas present last year because I mentioned in passing that I didn't need anything .

I just don't know what to do anymore - I'm at a complete loss....

Laura, why did you continue a relationship, if he has been like this for a long time? How do you know he loves you and the kids? How does he show love/care? Can you continue to live like this? Do you want to?

Could he be having pressure at work? I was a SAHM and while that was a joint decision and the right thing for us it did make things a bit scary for DH when things got difficult at work sometimes. Different people respond to stress in different ways - his may be to withdraw into himself.

I tend to find men like this are perfectly able to function well, politely and sociably with friends and work colleagues. Their unacceptable behaviour is reserved for their wives, behind closed doors where no-one can see the misery and disrespect they inflict

Stress my arse

Was he always a bit like this or did he start out different? Sounds so much like my ex ... A real charmer with everyone else but started doing exactly this with me. Now I realise he was deliberately avoiding me and the kids. Turns out he was getting friendly with other women at work and starting to think he might leave me. Was telling other people this while not making a single complaint to my face.

And at the time I would have said he was a great guy who would never dream of cheating ...

Has he been like this always since the children were born? Do you ask him for help or invite him to do stuff with the boys while you go and do something else? It's ridiculous and a bit precious I know, but could he possibly be feeling that the three of you are a self-sufficient little unit and that he's not sure how to make himself part of that? Maybe as you're with them all day and he's not, he might feel that he can't contribute or that he's not welcome?

I'm not making excuses, just trying to think of some genuine reasons for his behaviour....

I'm not sure you actually have to leave him.
It sounds like he's already left you, just hasn't found anywhere else to live yet.

He isn't a good person and he is not acting like he loves you or the boys.

Laurajay

Of course you are not unreasonable to be upset. That's not a nice life for you or your boys is it?

It must be awful for you - you must already want to protect your boys from the realisation that their dad doesn't like them enough to want to be with them. And how sad for you that he doesn't want to spend time with you.

I know you feel that he loves you but that must make it harder for you. If you see him as a good guy then you must believe on some level that you are just not interesting enough for him. It must crush your confidence - to believe that his treatment of you is what you deserve.

I know others have said it quite baldly but you do need to shift your view of him. You say he is a good man. You say other people like him. But that's just social manner isn't it?
A good man simply does not Ignore his wife and children.
A man who loves his children does not endlessly ignore them.

You have to see that 'love' is not a vague feeling uselessly swimming around in him. It has to be present in your day to day lives or what's the point. He doesn't love you and your boys in any way that means anything.

YANBU - it sounds like you could do a lot better tbh. This is not a relationship is it? Much less a marriage.

I presume he was not like this when you got married?

To start off, let me say that my husband is a good person and I know that he loves me and the boys. Thanks for making that clear because everything that you wrote after, didn't back it up.

So you've been rationalising and excusing his behaviour for so long now that it became the norm and now that your sons are of an age to realise you realise that it isn't good, let alone good enough. Yes, you've enabled the situation but you aren't the cause of his lazyitous.. So what can you do to change him, nothing but that doesn't mean you can't change your role in the dynamic. Let him be in charge of his children a couple times a week including a Saturday and a Sunday. Don't take full responsibility for preparing his meals or doing his laundry - having a job doesn't entitle him to check out of your marriage or parenting.

Been there and done that and the scary (and later liberating) fact was, I had much much higher expectations of him as a parent then I ever did as a partner. After this realisation, I came to the conclusion (DV being a catalyst), that I was not prepared to parent an adult or be a single parent in a relationship. Unfortunately for DD, her Dad isn't a good father but in the end, I think it's better that she's not constantly exposed to his disinterest even though him voluntarily terminating contact makes it pretty clear.

He's not a good father, he is not a good husband despite being kind helpful towards others.

He doesn't bother with the DC he doesn't bother with you, you deserve far more.

I suppose I'd tell him to ship up or ship out - I did it with my DH over our relationship, he has chosen to ship up but it take me telling him I was moving out (and having to leave my DC behind as he is the main carer) for him to make that choice.

Actions speak louder than words. How do you know he loves you if he treats you and your sons in such an uncaring way, and spends as little time with you as he can get away with? YANBU to be miserable - i would be too, but I'd be making sure I did something about it...

Your DH may be a good person in other people's eyes, but the fact that he can put on a show for everyone else, but treat you this way doesn't make him sound like a good person, and he certainly doesn't sound like a good husband or father, and that's what's relevant here, not what other people think.

If you want to work on things then you need to have full and frank conversations with him about your expectations within the marriage, with counselling. But honestly, I doubt anyone would blame you for throwing in the towel, he sounds dull as shit and he certainly seems to have emotionally checked out of the marriage.

Have you told him how unhappy you are? I agree that he doesn't sound like a good person, and if he loves you and the boys then he's not showing it in any way, which makes it meaningless.

Oh gosh ! I don't post here very often but this sounded like me a few months ago.
DP was behaving exactly like this and it was frustrating but most of all heartbreaking. He came home, barely spoke and actively avoided anything to do with me and DD. I to knew he was a 'good' person but when I look back i hated his guts! To cut a long story short he got a new job beginning of the year and his behaviour totally changed for the better. After a pretty frank discussion and many questions about what the f was going on it turned out he was being bullied at his previous job.
This was (and he knows it to) no excuse for his behaviour I will make that clear! But I suppose he felt so small and low in himself that he couldn't/ didn't want to relate to anyone anymore. He was also humiliated by what was happening and felt too embarrassed to say, he turned everything onto himself and we felt the brunt of that.
I'm not saying this is what is happening with your DH but to me it does sound like something must be going on, if he truly is a good man and loves you dearly then something else must be making him behave like this.
Talk to him, tell him what you see.
If he keeps it up though and doesn't change you really need to look after yourself firstly. Hurting like that every day is not good for you or your boys....

Looks like he's decided family life isn't for him.

Of course he's still Mr Charming to the outside world, that's where he sees his future, not with you and his children.

So, if he's made his choice, what choice do you want to make ?

And I agree with all the others who say he's not a good person. Sorry.