I'm growing to hate my partner

[Topsy1980]

Just wanting to get this off my chest and don't want to talk to friends or family.
Been with my partner 10 years and we have a DD 4.5years and DS 2.5years. Their dad has always been the moody, grumpy type. But it's getting worse and worse. I love it when he is not home, the atmosphere is happy and positive. Me and the kids have so much fun together (even with the tantrums...). When he gets home from work or is off work, the atmosphere changes. He brings us all down. He's miserable and negative about everything. Any time we take thekids out together as a family, it never goes well. Kids kick off and he usually wants to get back home quickly.
This week, it came to a head as he said that everyday is the same. Goes to work in job he hates, comes home to kids crying/tantruming, then he plays on his xbox when they go to bed (that's his choice!). I told him to do whatever it takes to make himself happy - I honestly would've been over the moon if he'd said he wanted to leave us. He has decided its his job and is looking for a new one. However, he has always been depressed. When I met him it was due to a previous relationship, then it was because of money worries then it was his last job. There is always something.

He makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I can't make him happy. I'm a really sociable, free-spirit type person. He is the opposite. I do a lot of stuff on my own. He never comes with me to parties etc. But I prefer that - his mood generally spoils everything we do together.

He sucks the life out of me. I've had enough. He adores the kids and it would break him if I told him to leave us. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm not good enough.

I think you need to have a massive conversation and tell him it all, warts & all. He seems like he's in a massive rut & needs to make some massive changes as he'll lose you. He sounds slightly depressed to me & is being an ostrich with the Xbox rather than talking. I do feel for you, it sounds like a hideous situation

I had similar after my DFIL died. My DH was awful, but it wasn't like him.

For a while I avoided saying anything and wrote it off to grief. After a while it was clearly not going away.

So I grabbed his hand, told him I loved him but told him I could clearly see he was unhappy as he wasn't himself and that it was getting to the stage his relationships with us could be permanently affected. I told him it was time to see the doctor and get help.

You could do similar. If it's him job or anything else he thinks is the issue then ask what you can do to support him to make changes so you get the old him back again that you miss so much.

If he can't respond positively to that, perhaps it is time to consider seperation. Yes he'd be unhappy but there is you and the kids to also consider here.

he needs to see his GP, sounds like he's suffering with depression.

But, that doesnt excuse him being an arse to you and the children. If things are better without him around, ask him to leave for a while and get his head straight, think about what he wants and give you space to think about what you want.

I think you do need to have the conversation - and tell him how it affects you and the children - they do pick up on this

Does he brush them off - yeah later - yeah in a minute - and leave it to you to pick up the pieces?

Do you feel it would be less work of he's not around?

How would he find being a weekend dad?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you there to date with this moody and grumpy joysucker?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this role model of one when it comes down to it. Your son could well become a carbon copy of his dad and your DD could very well learn how to kowtow to men and their moods. They are also learning from you as well; they pick up on all the unspoken bad vibes at home.

You state you do not want to talk to friends and family; why is this?. Is this out of a fear of "we told you so". Have they given their own perhaps all too honest or forthright opinions about him and wonder why you are with him?.

What are his parents like; are they pretty much the same as well?. Such behaviours can be learnt and its a way to get attention albeit negative attention. He may also be doing this because he can, it works for him. He has you running around after him trying to be his cheerleader or trying to jolly the children along without him. Short of working in a job he hates and playing on his x box (is he a manchild) what else does he do, what does he contribute to family life exactly?.

What is the situation re the property?. My guess as well is that if you did tell him to leave he would pointedly refuse to do so.

He makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I can't make him happy
No-one can make another person happy. Its an unreasonable ask. Stop expecting it of yourself.

He sucks the life out of me. I've had enough
Then arrange not to be with him any more. I've been in your position, where you and the dc dread dh coming home. Honestly, you'd have a better life without him. We did.

You're all right! We do need to talk but it often breaks down into me crying and him saying sorry and that he is hopeless etc which just makes me feel bad for raising the conversation. I do think getting help from Dr would be good for him. I will try to have that discussion.

Yes - I most definitely feel like it'd be less work and so much easier if wasn't around. But he honestly adores the kids. The point about relationships and role-models was very well made - I really do not want the kids to end up in a relationship like this. His dad left when he was 6 so there was just him & his mum. His mum is very negative too and his dad had problems with gambling I think.

I don't want to talk to friends/family because, yes, they always thought I could do better. To be honest, he's had very little to do with my friends/family in the 10 years we've been together.

His contribution to family life is that he helps me with some housework - ironing, cooking, picks kids from nursery if I'm at work, reads DS story & puts to bed.

Everything we own is in my name due to his previous financial difficulties so the property would be mine.

We do need to talk but it often breaks down into me crying

Write it all down. open up a word document right now, write it out, order your thoughts.

you could even write him a letter, hand it to him and tell him to read it whilst you and the kids go out for an hour. Tell him you want a discussion when you get home.

I used to live with a 'dementor'

Good to discuss & definitely try and fix but you must draw a line if he doesn't put the effort in.

Me and my son live without him now. He seems in a better place (perhaps it was our relationship!)

I got to the point I was feeling murderous - the resentment weighs down heavy!

Yes, he can only sort himself if he wants to. The journey into sorting out anxiety and depression takes a lot of courage and comittment and can't be started if your heart isn't in it.

If he is happy to chat about it maybe you could suggest he seeks some guidance on how to help him with what is probably an ongoing problem since childhood. If he is generally a kind person but is lumbered with this depressive side then the chances are he could do something about it.

Topsy,

You cannot act as either his rescuer and or saviour here; acting as either in any relationship does not work. It also takes two to make a relationship as well. It is not solely down to you either to solely try and fix a relationship; he has to want to fully do his bit as well to improve things. I would hope some of your family would be decent and give you support if you were to separate and not simply put their own boot into you as well.

I would also look into further improving your own self worth; living with someone like him will drag you (as well as your children in turn) down and such men do take a long time to recover from.

re your comment:-
"You're all right! We do need to talk but it often breaks down into me crying and him saying sorry and that he is hopeless etc which just makes me feel bad for raising the conversation. I do think getting help from Dr would be good for him. I will try to have that discussion"

My guess is that such a discussion (only one mind you, no more than that) will not go well but you may well get further clarity for your own self re him from it. I do not think he really wants to talk either because doing this at home on some level works for him.

Why do you cry?. Is this because he dismisses your concerns out of hand?. FWIW I do not think he is sorry. Him saying that he is hopeless may well be a tactic to further manipulate you; because he is so called "hopeless" he has basically handed all the responsibility over to you. The words "uphill struggle" also springs to mind. I can imagine he acted just the same in previous relationships; he has not fundamentally changed and he is very much a product of his own upbringing. It is not your fault that he is like this.

Re this comment:-
His contribution to family life is that he helps me with some housework - ironing, cooking, picks kids from nursery if I'm at work, reads DS story & puts to bed.

Its really the barest of bare minimums isn't it?. He's not really being much if anything of a father to them at all is he?. He likely spends more hours per week on the X Box than with you people.

I take it as read you are not married to this individual.

If you can't say it. Write him a letter. Put everything in because it would be unfair to add on afterwards.

Also cut him off at the pass with the sorry thing. Say in the letter that sorry isn't the answer and ask him to think about it and then to tell you what he's going to do. Get help? Counseling? Leave? (Put options in)

Explain that status quo stops now because this is not the relationship that you are going to model for your kids.

Good luck.

Thank you for the advice. I have written a letter and included the points you've all mentioned.

No we are not married. I've always wanted to but I'm still waiting to be asked! A blessing now, I think.

Be strong. It doesnt sound like this phase is going to pass. Youre not married, hes sucking the joy out of you and your childrens lives. You dont have to live like that

I hope he does not disregard your letter but I would be prepared for the eventuality that he may not take you at all seriously.

Also he may well promise change and/or be there for you more (particularly if you become serious about separating from him but you may have heard that all before as well).

He adores the kids but moans about them crying and can't wait to get home when he takes them out. Oh and he's grumpy and miserable all the time. I don't get the impression he likes them very much at all.

I've always wanted to but I'm still waiting to be asked

Be mindful that some people will dangle this as a type of carrot. You may hand him the letter and he make all manner of promises, if marriage is one of them, don't fall for it.

Exh was the same, the kids & I started to dread him coming home. He especially hated the kids getting older & no longer going to bed at 7 (he used to get in at 6.45pm) and strop about them staying up. I couldn't relax , he'd be pacing and stropping & asking when the kids were going to bed (youngest is 9 now!!)
Life is so much more relaxed now although there are problems like keeping the wolf from the door & whatever long term implications there could be for the kids I worry about but I'd never go back

Thank you for all your comments. I really appreciate it. I thought this was a minor thing - that I was just being stupid as he is a great dad. I'm so pleased I wrote this & have been given honest advice.

I've written him a letter. The kids and I are going out later so I'm going to leave it for him for when he gets in.

Women as well Topsy tend to write the "good dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Don't see how the marriage thing is a carrot being dangled? If it was that important to Op she could have asked him. I think that is a red herring. Agree with the other poster about the good dad thing. That should be a given, not praised. I really hope he takes the letter in the spirit intended. Hope all goes well

I totally chickened out. Couldn't give him the letter. I got home before him & put it away. Couldn't face the confrontation. Since he's come home tonight, he has been trying hard - he's chatted to us, done washing & is now bathing kids. I will try to talk to him when kids are in bed.

It doesn't sound like you actually love him or want to be with him.

Also sounds like his parenting isn't that great if how he is when with you all leads to the DC "kicking off" when they're usually OK.

Your family and friends don't like him? Unless your family and friends are all toxic that says a lot ImO.

If he has MH issues he should seek help. You don't owe him time to "sort himself out".

Also, those little things this eve are just normal family stuff that shouldn't require him to "try hard" or be a change from the norm.

I could’ve written this post myself. I really hope you’re happier now and have sorted it out. If you see this, would you mind sharing what happened? Thanks :)