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Original poster

Friendship Issue - how would you proceed?

64 replies

CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:20

This isn't an AIBU and I felt uncomfortable with taking 1 part of the issue and turning it into one which I could've done, and made it very clickbaity, but actually the whole thing just makes me very sad Sad and I just didn't want it to end up in the Daily Mail. I regularly post and have NCd and will lose specific detail to make myself and my friend less identifiable.

I think I'm being dumped as a friend.

Have known both my best friend and her now DH for a very, very long time. I was one of her bridesmaids when she married. In the run up to the wedding, everything very much revolved around my friend for about a year, but nobody minded, I didn't mind, I absolutely loved being her bridesmaid felt touched and proud and she wasn't a bridezilla or anything, but post the wedding she has found it impossible to 'let go' of being the centre of attention, making things about her/her wedding that aren't about her. I don't want to give the specific example but a tragedy happened and she tried to link it to the wedding in a superbly crass way.

Last winter, I became very ill and had to be hospitalized. Despite repeatedly reassuring me that she would be there for me THIS TIME if this illness recurred (I've been ill before and she hasn't been) she not only wasn't there, but was very dismissive, and sent me texts that read like they'd been written by a stranger. I still totally believed that she would at least be up to visit when I was discharged and not only did she not, texts petered out almost totally too, even when it was her birthday I only got a perfunctory one thanking me for my gift. I did try and address it months ago, but was told "everything's fine, just very busy etc"

To add insult to injury she has made the effort to meet up with another friend to "support" her with something highly trivial (imagine local baking competition) even though it's a further distance, I suppose because it's more light and fun Sad I wasn't trying to "bring the drama" I just wasn't well! And it's just VERRRRRYYY fairweather of her. I see these memes about "dumping friends who aren't worth the energy" and can't help but feel that this is what she's done.

I literally haven't seen her since the wedding almost 3 years ago, and have now received an (unsolicited) list of pre-approved gifts for her PFB Shock which I wasnt aware was even a thing!!!! And the worst thing is is that some of them aren't for baby but things more suited to a wedding list.

I just think she's disappeared up her own arse and I don't even feel like getting the baby anything now even though I'm expected to.

I miss my friend. It's a long friendship, but I not only feel like she's a different person, but that maybe she was ALWAYS like this and I just didn't see it til now. Have examples but won't drag on.

What would you do?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 19/05/2016 12:22

Sack her

INeedNewShoes · 19/05/2016 12:30

Friends come and go and this person is not interested in being there for you. I know it's hurtful, but I'd be distancing myself if I were you.

It's a hard thing to do but I let go of a friendship after being let down too many times and now a couple of years down the line I don't regret it.
I felt guilty for a while but it really is not my fault that our friendship didn't survive her self centred approach to things.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:38

She's already dumped me is the worst of it. Or so it would seem.

OP posts:
mumofthemonsters808 · 19/05/2016 12:41

I would not be friends with anyone who sent me a list of pre-approved baby gifts. Fortunately, I don't know that many people who are that up their own Arse that they think this is normal. I understand that close family members may agree to purchase certain essential items, but if you can't help a friend in need, I don't know why you'd have the audacity to think your friend is obliged to buy you a gift. Send her a card when she has the baby and cross your fingers that you never hear from her again.

Arfarfanarf · 19/05/2016 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

INeedNewShoes · 19/05/2016 12:45

She doesn't sound like a friend worth having. She might have been a good friend three years ago so it's hard to let go of that friendship you used to have and that's probably the friendship you are upset at losing.

Given the past three years, you should be glad to not have to have anything to do with her and try and put your energy into nice friendships with others.

I know it's easier said than done, but it would really be better for you to move on rather than allowing her to be a rubbish friend.

Flowers
UptheAnty · 19/05/2016 12:47

I think that sometimes the hurt we feel when we are in a friendship like this can really dent your confidence.
I recognise your position from past experiences and I know for me when I reflect, one of the reasons I felt so used was that she dumped me Sad I was doing all the things friends are supposed to do, being kind , supportive, flexible , non demanding etc. My friend was not doing anything worthy of my friendship yet...she dumped me.
It makes you feel foolish and naive.
Flowers

She isn't your friend op, I suspect she's not a very nice person. You should distance yourself and try to be more mindful in the future for your own protection.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:47

They've sent it to basically everyone they've met, like many PFB I suppose they seem to think they are the first to ever have kids, but several of her friends have had kids before her and she had no interest in them and sent nothing, these friends have had THE LIST

OP posts:
Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:50

I've known her my whole entire life, it's hard to accept she's gone. It's like a death.

OP posts:
Felco · 19/05/2016 12:51

Some people change irrevocably when the first child comes along. It's a sad thing but it's just a fact. Ignore the list, send a breezy card, and be sad but accepting that you're not friends in the same way any more (if at all).

Athena314 · 19/05/2016 12:51

After three years of her being a fair weather friend, I think I'd send the list back saying ''did you mean to send this to me? is it a mistake? oh, by the way, hi, hope all's well, byeeeeee'

and then GHOST her.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:55

Ghosting is tempting I've got to admit.

OP posts:
Liska · 19/05/2016 12:57

Oh carpool this is rough. I've had that experience of people who disappear when you're ill and it's weird how often the people who step up aren't the ones you expect. It sounds as if you've reached the point where you would be backing off from the relationship, but it hurts that she's already doing it to you. I suspect she's one of those people who prefers all her friends to not have any "baggage" that gets in the way of her priorities. Move on, leave her behind and grieve as you need to. One day she will have her own "baggage" - illness, family problems, tragedy - and she'll understand a bit more about what life, and friendship, is about. You'll find better friends. Take care.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 12:57

And the fact that I can say that means the friendship is well and truly moribund. I feel so sad. I was thinking about the past excitement of getting ready to go see her this morning, and I just can't imagine wanting to now.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 19/05/2016 12:58

I think it's definitely like a bereavement when this happens. It also sours all your many memories of good times together. You wonder "did they like me then? Or then?"

But in this case the only dignified thing is to ghost her. Cos you've already asked her before and got a bullshit "just busy" answer. So don't bother.

Liska · 19/05/2016 12:59

Oh and just send her some muslins for the baby as a parting gift Wink

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 19/05/2016 13:01

It is like a bereavement, definitely. So you have to go through all the stages - get mad, get sad, but then eventually you will be able to let it go and look back at the good times. I'm sending hugs though because I know how hard and horrible it is.

Summerwalking16 · 19/05/2016 13:01

I think it depends with what you were ill with (not meaning to sound harsh). Some can deal with some things better than others.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 13:03

It was ALWAYS ALWAYS on her terms, but as her terms suited, I didn't even notice....until upon reflection Hmm one very specific thing. That might be too outy to relate...

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 19/05/2016 13:03

Wow.

Ignore.

Or if you're feeling very generous, send a reply back saying you hope they all have a lovely day.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 13:04

Can't be too outy Summer there is and isn't something to that, claimed to be ok, possibly wasn't.

OP posts:
MrsBed2b · 19/05/2016 13:07

Sounds like she's already written off your friendship but is just after a gift now.

Sometimes knowing someone for a long time isn't enough of a reason to fight for a friendship...I'd say cut your losses and ignore.

frieda909 · 19/05/2016 13:16

So you send this woman birthday presents even though you haven't seen her for three years? And now she expects gifts for her baby from you too, from a pre-approved list no less? Wow.

I have friends I see far more often than that, and I don't buy them or their kids birthday presents! She's taking this piss. It's very sad for you to lose the friendship but it sounds like, for now at least, she isn't worth having as a friend. Hopefully she might come to her senses in a few years, but she just sounds incredibly wrapped up in herself right now.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/05/2016 13:17

Yes, ignore.
Think of it as giving her the gift of your absence...as she has already given to you. And I know it is hard, but would you really want to be around someone who wasn't really welcoming to you?

She is a user. Your sense of self respect and self worth are kicking in here and rightly so...don't be her doormat any more.

You didn't mention facebook, but now would be a good time for a Spring Clean out.

Original poster
CarpoolKaraoke · 19/05/2016 13:24

I sent her a present to try and break the silence to be honest, felt like I couldn't let it go by.

OP posts: