Friendship Issue - how would you proceed?

[CarpoolKaraoke]

This isn't an AIBU and I felt uncomfortable with taking 1 part of the issue and turning it into one which I could've done, and made it very clickbaity, but actually the whole thing just makes me very sad and I just didn't want it to end up in the Daily Mail. I regularly post and have NCd and will lose specific detail to make myself and my friend less identifiable.

I think I'm being dumped as a friend.

Have known both my best friend and her now DH for a very, very long time. I was one of her bridesmaids when she married. In the run up to the wedding, everything very much revolved around my friend for about a year, but nobody minded, I didn't mind, I absolutely loved being her bridesmaid felt touched and proud and she wasn't a bridezilla or anything, but post the wedding she has found it impossible to 'let go' of being the centre of attention, making things about her/her wedding that aren't about her. I don't want to give the specific example but a tragedy happened and she tried to link it to the wedding in a superbly crass way.

Last winter, I became very ill and had to be hospitalized. Despite repeatedly reassuring me that she would be there for me THIS TIME if this illness recurred (I've been ill before and she hasn't been) she not only wasn't there, but was very dismissive, and sent me texts that read like they'd been written by a stranger. I still totally believed that she would at least be up to visit when I was discharged and not only did she not, texts petered out almost totally too, even when it was her birthday I only got a perfunctory one thanking me for my gift. I did try and address it months ago, but was told "everything's fine, just very busy etc"

To add insult to injury she has made the effort to meet up with another friend to "support" her with something highly trivial (imagine local baking competition) even though it's a further distance, I suppose because it's more light and fun I wasn't trying to "bring the drama" I just wasn't well! And it's just VERRRRRYYY fairweather of her. I see these memes about "dumping friends who aren't worth the energy" and can't help but feel that this is what she's done.

I literally haven't seen her since the wedding almost 3 years ago, and have now received an (unsolicited) list of pre-approved gifts for her PFB which I wasnt aware was even a thing!!!! And the worst thing is is that some of them aren't for baby but things more suited to a wedding list.

I just think she's disappeared up her own arse and I don't even feel like getting the baby anything now even though I'm expected to.

I miss my friend. It's a long friendship, but I not only feel like she's a different person, but that maybe she was ALWAYS like this and I just didn't see it til now. Have examples but won't drag on.

What would you do?

Bet you barely get an acknowledgement for it. Please try not to expect it to break the silence. She may not have any interest in doing so. She may have put you into a box as being not as much fun as others.

I can relate as in my early twenties had a breakdown. And my best friend decided rather brutally that I was no fun anymore. I wasn't! But she also knew I had touched Base with appropriate services and was getting treatment and it wasn't going to be a permanent situation. All my other mates understood that and stuck around on the periphery.

But she labelled me as a head wrecker and basically went very cold. She also had made plans to move city so had mentally checked out and moved on. God it was hellish.

A year later I was well and she was invited to a group night out. I was shitting it but resolved to show her how much like my old self I was. There was certainly an element of "See? You were too quick to write me off! See how easy company I am again now!"

But it didn't work. She basically spoke as briefly as possible to me and it was hurtful. But I thought fuck it I'll have a laugh regardless. I remember we were playing darts, having a right laugh, she was sat with a face on at the table and I happened to get a bullseye. All us round the dartboard whooped and cheered and went back to the table all excited. Someone said "Did you all see? She got a bloody bullseye!" And ex friend said very rudely "Well we certainly heard it loud enough anyway". Silence ensued. Awkward.

And at that point I realised I was still in that box in her head. That negative association box. And I could literally win an Oscar and she'd still think I was boring and hard work just because I had been once upon a time.

It was a hard night. But it opened my eyes and at least I had the satisfaction that the other friends there that night took her aside the next day over breakfast and reamed into her for blanking me all night!

It was a few weeks ago Elspeth, I got a brief text.

Your post makes you sound local to me - colloquialisms etc

carpool I had a "friendship" similar. Where she was only interested in herself. As soon as I needed support I was left on my own. I no longer have anything to do with her. My life is much easier now. but honestly, it was horrid.

I got people to babysit while I sat with her when she was in labour and her dp couldn't be arsed, I left my dc (one a newborn) and struggled up to the hospital on my crutches to sit with her when her new dp hit her in the stomach (she was pregnant).
Yet I got nothing. She knew I was struggling. She new I was in pain, but she never made the effort. For 2 and a half years it was only when she needed me that she bothered with.me. she didn't care that.I was struggling.
When I needed her she wasn't there, when my DPs brother committed suicide her only thought was getting baby clothes off me. They were in my attic and dp hadn't even buried his brother. She wasn't even bothered. She kicked off because I refused to send him hunting for them when she didn't need them (she still had months left) and he was grieving. That was the end of our "friendship". Because I put my DP above her.

You are better off without.

Fatty have you written that on another thread I'm sure I've seen something similar.

Update is: I bought something cheap and VERY DELIBERATELY not on the list but, did mention that it wasn't the only thing I was getting (as t was cheap)

I was told that what I had bought was 'insert polite word' but to 'not get any more of X type please' I read it out to my friend who was appalled.

She was basically trying to refer me back to her list in a passive aggressive way.

She is doing herself and her PFB no favours, I will not be buying half of what the child would previously have received from Carpool precisely because of this carry on.

Even if she hated it (and it's lovely) the ONLY acceptable response is THANK YOU

I have mentioned it before on here.
Never mind not getting half! I wouldnt be getting anything in future. If she cant be grateful that you've actually bothered! Cheeky cow.

carpool I can only say cut ties with this 'friend'. I would never expect my friends (none of whom have children yet) to buy my child a gift for their birthday. I certainly would not send them a list and be PA about it if they bought something else.

It's hard to do so and it will hurt for a while but you don't need friends like that!

fatty your story is awful! Who needs enemies when you have 'friends' like that. What a horror.

I don't think you should be getting anything else.

A friendship of this length is hard to let go of Bikini. Looking back I can see so many red flags. The biggest of which involved where I live. The list itself is horrendous but I have found some nice things I'm happy to buy.

I have said I am buying another thing so I will but I legitimately feel like this could be the end of our friendship especially as we live long distance now. If this is it, then I want to do the decent thing and get the child a nice gift and then the balls not in my court and I haven't done anything childish or petty. I want to have the high ground here

You already have the high ground as you have already provided a gift!

It is very hard to do but you do have the moral high ground already. Buy the other gift as planned, otherwise she will think you're being petty and slowly pull back. Ghosting as suggested is a good idea!

"otherwise she'll think you're petty"

Exactly. Things changed as soon as she married to be honest. Felt completely dispensed with.

It's not her DH, I'd far rather talk to him at this point frankly!

She obviously thinks now she's married you are surplus to requirements, which is a complete bitchy move. I really feel for you as it's a crappy situation to be in and frankly you're handling it better than I would be!

Well I have a theory, that a person's partner can bring out the best or the worst in them. I would say that she does have a lovely side that was what you enjoyed about her, but unfortunately her husband is bringing out a less savoury side to her. And I'm not blaming him, it's just the way combinations of people work.

Don't waste your time or money anymore. You won't look like the better person because she won't see that. She will probably bin your present, why waste your money.

Walk away. Some friendships are not forever even if they were long and started young.
I stepped away from a 20+ years friendship last year, all we had left was our history and it has got painful. No regrets but I still cherish the memories.

Present buying for an emotionally abusive person, which she is, is not a good idea. It looks like rewarding bad behaviour. She won't see it in the way you intend, because she's not normal. She will think her behaviour is acceptable, because here you are buying a present, so things must be ok the way they stand, right? You're actually doing more damage in making this person think her behaviour is ok. Why would you want to do do that? She thinks you're wrong, she has always thought you were wrong, bad, unacceptable. Don't chase people, not even "for the moral high ground". The girl is clearly a bit of a shit and you are still trying to win her good opinion.

Save your money. You shouldn't care any longer what this person thinks of you. I've been there recently with a friend of 30 years. So I get it. I have excused her behaviour for years and yes, I have even bought presents after a particularly spiteful bit of behaviour. Got me nothing but more shit because I looked like someone who would crawl up another person's arse rather than cut loose, she despised me for it. Things got worse and I just laid it all out for her really gently, and her response was so awful I had been there for her when her parents died and she wasn't there for me when I cut ties with mine, and then she blamed me for the abuse saying "Go and add me to your list of people who you claimed ruined your life". I hadn't claimed she'd ruined my life at all. But my abusive parents had done me over all my life, she knew the ins and outs and why I was close to suicide a lot of the time and then I get that at the end of 30 years. Fuck her :) I might send her a poo in the post but that's about it ;)

That was a joke, by the way. I literally couldn't give a shit for her even if I wanted to lol

What would I do?

Drift away quietly.

She's no friend.

It might hurt in the short term, but soon you will be free!

Then you can look back and wonder why you wasted so much time on her.

And if you want to send a naice gift for the baby, when it's a few months old. Babies love plastic noisy crap. That plays awful tunes when you touch it.

Usually so much loved by parents that you can get them for a quid in the charity shop

Yeah, a full drum kit oughta do it.

This is crappy for you. Your friend sounds very selfish and the list sounds utterly ridiculous!

Just to add a bit of balance though: I changed when I was expecting my first child, had any of my friends been ill or in need of support I couldn't have been there for them. I became very depressed during my pregnancy and distanced myself from everyone, I was also quite sick for 9 months. My friend took it personally and things have never really been the same since.

Yor friend sounds rude and unreasonable, particularly with the list (which is a very American thing to do!) But don't rule out the possibility that she's herself struggling with her pregnancy. If that's not the case then she's a twat and you should give her the present you've already bought and walk away xx

I was ill way before she got pregnant it was winter last year.

Her DH had a chat with me in which he basically said he's been encouraging her to be selfish about getting too involved in things that don't concern her but also clarified he didn't mean me - there's A LOT of family drama but I was a bit like are you dropping a hint here??

The friendship is over. It's sad, but either she's turned into someone dislikeable or she's always been this way and she got away with it.

Save your money, your energy and your emotions and walk away.

I've had this situation too. I'm sorry but yes she is 'dumping' you. It's not fair and it's not OK and its most definitely NOT you, it's her. It took me ages to realise I'm not an awful person to be around and actually my friend just couldn't be bothered anymore (but was too immature to tell me). Basically the contact just tailed off, even when I had a horrific miscarriage she did bother to even pop in to see me (despite living up the road). Excuses, lots of excuses, she wanted to be friends with other people and I guess found me too much work (I wasn't, it was just awful stuff going on for me at the time that she couldn't cope with).

My advice....wish her well, don't hold onto bitterness or anger it's useless but definitely don't hold onto hope that it will get better it may not (if you love something let it go) and above all remember 'it's not your fault' repeat this mantra!!!!

*didnt bother to see me

I am starting to realise how much I don't care though - which I think is good. I've been in such shock this last month at how simultaneously false AND yet entitled she's being